No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

Thank you OP! It is stressful but getting better. Having the solicitor until now has really helped - she forwards all his messages on with just a short note from her, usually “No response required.” It means I really have to justify a response to her, which is usually enough to convince me not to bother.

ah, yes, @Bearsinmotion - I can see why having that extra step might be helpful in stopping impulsive messaging.

Hi all, hope you are all well and staying strong.

Welcome @Bearsinmotion good to have you aboard.

Day 2 NC for me. I nearly caved last night, but then remembered how he'd made me feel, how many times I have cried over him and didn't contact him.
I have to do this for my own sanity and self respect.

Hi, bit of a different scenario I think from me. 4yr relationship, long story short we can't progress.. More to it.. Fallen out a lot over it.. I've wanted space before.. He thinks ill just run back.. Like I have. So I'm day 4 of not messaging him and nothing.. Its very hard..

Hi @Ntwa it is hard yes, I am on day 3 now, although I am now wondering why he hasn't messaged me either!! But I'm not going to ask or contact him.

I am going to write down the messages I would like to send in word, but not actually send them and hope that helps.

Stay strong everyone - we've got this!

Ineedaslap thanks.

Think it's hard because I know I could messsge him in a minute and claw it back, this is my decision not his.. Not one I want, but one without a solution. It terrifies me that no one is going to be like him.. I know we all say this but honestly he's amazing
Think I'll do what you've said and write some things out. Hope everyone's doing OK

@ntwa it is hard. I'm struggling right now to not message. Usually by now I would have having a go, he apologises, excuse after excuse. No more. I'm reminding myself how I have felt each time he's let me down so I don't cave.
We can do this!

I was just looking for a thread for support, hope I can join you here.

My relationship has been rocky for ages. We were together five years. Finally split up early December. But the past few days I've totally humiliated myself, begging him to get back together Luckily he had the common sense to say no. I'm now determined to move on, as this has taken up too much of my time and emotions for five years. He's not a bad person, I think I was just on the rebound after my marriage ended and not in the right place for a relationship. I now need to get used to being alone and find out who I am. I'm exhausted from not sleeping well and feel ill. But yesterday I had a really good chat with a very good old friend and she gave me lots of good advice. I'm just so sad I can't see her at the moment.

Anyway, day one for me, but I will do this. No more begging or messaging.

Hope everyone else is hanging on in there.

Hi @MsKL and welcome. You can do this!

Day 4 NC for me, so pleased I didn't cave last night as I would have been annoyed with myself today if I had. I do want to know why he has not contacted me either which is unusual but have realised that if I contact to ask then it shows I am worried about it or care and I don't want him holding that over me any more.

Hope everyone else is doing ok today.

I'm really really struggling today
I really miss everything about him. I've been so tearful today. It's a good job he's blocked everywhere and his number deleted or I would break today.
I feel like he's dead to me and there's no way I can feel better about it 😩

@wetasstenalady

I'm really really struggling today I really miss everything about him. I've been so tearful today. It's a good job he's blocked everywhere and his number deleted or I would break today. I feel like he's dead to me and there's no way I can feel better about it 😩

You can do this x

It is so hard, but try and remember why you have gone NC.
I have done a word document where I have typed the things I want to say and also now have added the things he did to hurt and upset me so I can look at it when I start to weaken. It helped last night anyway.

The pain is just crushing today. I keep bursting into tears and feel so sick

Some days are worse than others for sure. Stay strong, PM me if it helps.

Hello everyone!
Welcome @MsKl - really hard to move on after 5 years but you sound really determined too - well done! So glad you have a good friend to support you in RL too.

@wetasstenalady sorry you are finding it so hard. You are doing really well. Remember you are taking back your power and in time it will feel great. xx

I've had an interesting day.
Yesterday evening I was looking at Facebook and I saw that my very first boyfriend (who I spent a weekend with last Jan and then he totally ghosted me, despite my leaving some things at his including an heirloom of my deceased Fathers :( has a new girlfriend, of 6m. Of course that's fine but it brought back all the feelings re the ghosting.
NC called at 7.30pm with specific questions about when exactly I was going to be awake this morning (my Big Birthday day). I said 'anytime from 6.30am' (he knows this). I slept badly and my alarm went at 6.30, and 7am and I got up at 8. At 2.30 I had a text: 'did you get my card'?
He sent a child's birthday card and in it he says he will 'be sending a paperback some time'. No mention of the radio he said he'd send, of course. So I sent a polite text 'thank you for the unusual card'. Honestly!!
Mind, no contact from exH (supposed to be on good terms) either or my own Mother, so perhaps it's me! OR .... perhaps my childhood was so awful I learned to tolerate awful behavior and it's taken me until now to see it. Strangely I feel fairly cheerful. I cannot change any of them. But I can change how I react to them (and whether I show it).
This feels like a HUGE revelation.

(but please pick me off the floor in a few days when I fall down) x

Thank you @52andblue and @Ineedaslap. I feel rubbish because I'm not sleeping or eating, and close to tears all the time, but I know it's just a matter of time, hanging on in there until it improves. It was a difficult relationship so it had to end. I still miss him though. But I'll get there. I've alerted all my friends and they're helping a lot by chatting. I told my mum today too, I can ring her any time and visit, as I'm her support bubble.

I took my tablet to bed last night and watched YouTube sleep videos until I fell asleep. I didn't want to start thinking about it, because then I can't sleep. So I actually managed 5 hours sleep, which is an improvement!

@52andblue that's crazy. If they cared they'd try harder wouldn't they?

@MsKL I'm glad you've got support - it helps so much.

Re my NC. Yes, it's hard to see that as anything other than gaslighting!

Thank you. Two of my friends have checked up on me today and we had a long chat.

Yes I agree, it looks like it.

Afternoon!
Day 5, it's killing me. I'm also wondering why he's not been in contact with me.
Going to be very awkward if I see him at work. Luckily I don't see him often.
Hope you are all doing well today, stay strong!

Sorry it's so difficult Ineed. We can only hope it gets easier with time.

Weirdly I'm feeling a bit better today after a low point last night. I dropped dd at uni and came home to an empty house, it was awful. I had this horrible anxious scared feeling inside all evening. But I read in bed until my eyes closed. I also spoke online to a friend for hours in the evening. My friends have been so kind. Another is calling soon for a chat.

I found out yesterday a friend from when I was a teenager has Parkinson's and it sort of put things in perspective for a bit. It could be so much worse and really I'm lucky.

I keep reminding myself the relationship was never going to work and we'd just keep repeating the same destructive behaviour, so it's better to end it now. I don't know if he'll get in touch at some point, he said he needed space. I hope he doesn't, as I'll struggle not to reply or to ensure we don't get back together if he should suggest that.

Hello @Ineedaslap - day 5 is really hard I think? The first few days you are bouyed along by motivation but by day 5 it begins to feel real?
I don't know - its different for everyone? Keep On Keeping On - you cannot avoid the feelings, if you do know they'll just come back later, but you are doing really well xx

@MsKL - I hope he doesn't for your sake (at least right now anyway)

It IS very up and down isn't it? I had a surprisingly good day yesterday, considering it was an odd Birthday and some folk who really should have got in touch didn't but I felt okay about it. Less so today but I will just push on because what other option is there? If I go back to old wonky interactions then they will just stay wonky. Others won't change, only I can do that.
Love to you all out there xxx

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Day 5.. Nothing from him.. The odd thing about us is as I've said I'm pretty sure he thinks ill snap out of a mood and get back on touch.. But I won't. Makes me feel like I mean nothing tbh.

@Ntwa
Yes, my NC can 'send me to Coventry' for weeks at a time and always assumes I will get back in touch. It's all about THEM isn't it?
Well, it's time to think of us.

Hi there all
I've been following this thread with interest, having attempted no contact since around Christmas time.

I have been in and out of a relationship with someone for around five years. I can't believe how long it took me to realise that he is a narcissist. For a long time I struggled to believe it on the 'good' relationship days. These good days, however, became less and less at the end of last year and his mask dropped seriously and I realised he is completely hollow. Now that I have seen the other side and can see how seriously messed up he is I know that I can't go back. Easier said than done though, five years of damage has been done and this relationship is seriously embedded in my head and heart. Despite knowing that I absolutely cannot continue with this man I still struggle on the days that I do not hear anything, especially as this follows many years of constant, persistent contact from the man. Having come to terms with some of this has made it easier now, but when I tried to leave the relationship before I would get that awful sense of panic and anxiety, which would lead me straight back into the jaws of the lion :-( It's non-sensical really but we can't change the way that we have been hard wired in these toxic relationships. It's also really difficult to let go when I have invested so much into this and it turns out that he has no empathy or remorse whatsoever. We are basically on our own dealing with this and it hurts bad.
It's never too late to get out though and reclaim our lives. We have to stay strong and not let this beat us. Try to remember that they will never, ever change and we can't fix it.
I came across a really good YouTube post last night, which hopefully it's ok to share - it's about how we wait to hear from them even though we have sworn to go no contact and especially deals with the silence that they are imposing on us for refusing to play their game

I hope this helps. I look forward to being part of this group