No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

I'm trying to keep up with who everybody is and read their situations.

DH had a discussion with mil and it seems they're changing how to approach this and are now denying there's an issue. But can't answer some simple things DH asked.

Apparently he's had a message from another brother and it's looking like he's got to make a number of choices and we also need to "move on as it's in the past" - which has indicated to DH there is something to move on from.

I think, and have said this numerous times to DH, that I'm going to end up taking the choice out of his hands.

I'm sorry, but I can't keep typing, as my daughter is going to wonder why I'm so upset.

@NamechangedNewbie

• how are you today? your situation sounds very draining x

I had to speak to / see briefly H on Monday. It was Ds' first day of GCSE exams and he didn't even realise. Grrr... So tired of feeling tired and disappointed. It's hard when it's family / other parent of your kids as it's pretty difficult to NC completely so you always have a stone in your shoe at best. Grrr...

Well, that's 2 weeks NC for me.
Longest time in 4.5 years.

@52andblue That's good progress.
Have you thought of rewarding yourself with something tangible at the end of a certain period of going NC?
Every day is a step closer to healing and regaining of self esteem.

Thanks! @Ruminating2020

2 weeks doesnt' sound much but given it's been 4.5 years (and 30 years since we were first intimate the first time around when I was a teenager) then it is something. Esp as I'm having a rough time right now and really want to speak to him. But I keep stopping myself, remembering that the 'him' I want to speak to was the future faked him that barely existed (or at least is no longer available). So, it would be pointless and just leave me feeling worse. Progress, huh? :)

How are you doing??

Even though it might not feel like it you are over the worst of it now! You probably won’t feel worse than you have felt even though that may be hard to believe. I’m only on day 3 of no contact and I’m really struggling but I reckon after the weekend I’ll be feeling better. You got this

@52andblue
Sorry to hear you're feeling rough. Is there someone else in real life you can talk to instead of him? You are right to say that "he" doesn't really exist because it was a side to him that pretended to be your idealised version of him.

I am well thank you and enjoying my day off work.

@lucky1212
Welcome to the thread. I don't know what your story is, but it will get easier over time if you remind yourself why you are going NC with the other person.

@Ruminating2020 thank you my story is basically somebody who is very unstable and doesn’t know how to recognise/deal with their feelings. We split up 4 weeks ago then 3 weeks later he came back to say he was sorry and he missed me and wanted to be with me. After spending this weekend together he tells me he doesn’t know how he feels so it needs to end as it’s not fair on me. Very strange situation especially since it was him who made all the effort and initiated contact. I made it very easy for him to get rid of me the 1st time and he still came back. So this is officially day 3 of no contact

I see @lucky1212. Yes, no contact is absolutely the right thing to do in this situation otherwise it would keep going round in circles and you will end up a nervous wreck.

@Ruminating2020 I realise this the second time round and I am glad to have the no contact rule. I think there are some deeper issues going on here and the only way I could see resolution is months down the line, if he tries to get help and sort himself out. But 1. I can’t see that happening and 2. I wouldn’t sit around and wait on him when he decides he needs help. So the only way is to move on☺️

Good thinking. @lucky1212 How apt a mn name, you really did have a lucky escape!

@Ruminating2020
It's difficult as I am in a hard situation long term.
I talked to him about everything. He could be incredibly nice. Then, he'd say something really vicious.
He had been my relief / thing to look forward to for 4.5 yrs.
But if I fall into that trap again, I just go around in circles.
Plus, he will be furious that i've ignored 2 phone calls. Even IF I wanted to be with him long term (and I still daydream a bit, though less now) the only way is NC because if I 'cracked' now then I'd be giving him the green light to treat me badly again. He may not realise I have 're-set' my button, but that doesn't matter if I do?

Hi @lucky1212 and welcome to the thread!
Yes, I think you are absolutely correct to be NC with this guy. At best he is too confused to be of any use to you as a potential partner at worse he is a game player who will drain you of energy. Keep going xx

@52andblue
You are right. You will just go round in circles and it is absolutely no way to be. Does it really matter that he is furious for you not returning his call? That is how a narc's mind works. They rage when they don't get their way but have absolutely no concern for those who express genuine anger for being mistreated.
It will get worse before it gets better so just ride it out.

@52andblue
I've just been reading this article about trauma bonding and how to break free from it and thought of you.

angrytherapist.medium.com/what-is-trauma-bonding-how-to-break-from-it-8b9ef2e30f9f

You may already know about it but the highlighted section near the end of the article really resonated with me when I suddenly changed the way I responded to the narcissist when I was trying to go no contact.

THANK YOU @Ruminating2020
Watching TV with the teens right now but will look at it in the morning.
V kind of you xx

have now looked @Ruminating2020
Good thing I did -it's been really bad this morning :(

So sorry to hear that @52andblue. Did he call again today?

No. Just a difficult week and a belter of a day yesterday.
He's been the person I've turned to for years when things are hard.
He can be kind, gives me time / advice etc so I miss that a great deal.
But he can also be unkind, bitchy, and often tells me how much I'm doing it wrong so that can be painful. It's a real mix, so that's why it's hard to get my head straight about him I think?

@52andblue
Is there anyone else out can lean on for emotional support? Speaking to your NC will not make things better in the long run.

There will be others who can be kind consistently to you and not just whenever it suits them. You will feel worse getting back in touch with him again. Stay strong!

Hi @Ruminating2020
I'm actually critically low in RL friends to chat to. I live rurally, don't work, have two SN kids, no family. I'm really isolated. (I know It would be easier not to miss NC if this were not so) but I was thinking...
There is an old male schoolfriend I chat to sometimes.
But there is a similar dynamic: he asks a Qu. & I answer, fully & honestly.He then gives advice (unasked for). it is based on an incorrect premise so I correct the fact. He then tells me why it's not so bad as I'm making out. I then feel angry. I know this pattern, so clearly I have work to do here but it strikes me that it is wonky from their end too?
If I had the same interaction with a female friend she would probably say: 'oh, that's shit, sorry I can't help but that's shit, thinking of you'.
And that would feel OK (good actually as I've had the chance to get something off my chest and feel like I've been heard and am being thought of). Do men just want to mansplain / rescue and then get irritated / bored when the can't ? NC is 100% this. I don't ask for help, I just answer the Qu I've been asked. but then this dynamic comes about. Maybe it's me, maybe it's them (a bit of both I expect, fwiw the other friend I've chatted to was a boyfriend at school, so, 35 years ago - this is not relevant to me in the chat front but maybe it alters dynamics?) Ach. To hell with it all. I have to see exH today. Bleurgh...

@52andblue That does make things really tough when you are low on RL friends near you.

I can't really comment on whether your style of conversation between these men is because they are men or because of how you respond, but at least you recognise it and you could try something else next time, preferably not with the NC!

Are you on reasonable terms with your Exh? I hope your meeting goes well with him.

I'm baaaack … day 25 today … absolutely the last time this time!
He's been 'typing' on Snapchat but nothing sent so no idea what that's meant to mean.
My turning point was day 21, now I don't expect any ping or phone call to be him.

@outofluckoutoftime
Well done on your progress. Now delete his number, you don't need to look at Snapchat or other messaging apps to see whether he's been on.

@Ruminating2020
Number gone, blocked on everything else but I get a kick out of him checking out my very occasional Snapchat stories aaand the fact that he gets no 'typing' notifications from me makes me feel like the stronger one in this utter sh*t show.