No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

[52andblue]

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

Waves at @pinkpixie83
Yes - it is REALLY hard to go NC when you are deprived in other ways - as we all are in lockdown in some way. Kudos to us all for trying xxx

@Ineedaslap - I don't drink much - sole parent in charge of two kids with Autism. But I guess I was thinking of when I was younger and sometimes a big drink felt nice at the time but I knew I'd pay for it later? I have that feeling about contact with NC now. It feels bloody lovely at the time but I KNOW I will regret it later. Also to continue the alcohol analogy - I think with HIM I can't have 'just one drink' - like I imagine for an alcoholic my boundaries are not strong enough around him. So 'cutting him out' altogether is better.

Welcome @wonderingaboutlife1
You may feel a fool but you are NOT a fool (see upthread x)
Maybe your 26th start will be the one that works (in which case forget the other 25...)
I've known my NC for 33 years. What matters is not the past but our future. You can do this. xxx

Love to you all from a very wet and windy NE with two bored teens and a NC'er trying to stay strong.

Puts kettle on. Passes round Cake / Fruit / healthy salads
(and strong drink for those that wish) x

I'm on day 2 of NC with someone I love very much. We're not "together" but have a complicated history. I've recently come back into his life and while he's open to it, it's been going a little too fast. I'm trying to give him space to sort his head out, while I sort his out.

Day 2...here we go!

Hi @sungoddess21 and Welcome!

Yes, I think you can love your NC person very much - I do, he's the love of my life, (so far that is!) but still recognise that the pace isn't right / the whole thing isn't right. Good luck with Day 2 x

Hi @sungoddess21. I too have feelings for this man (do not want to admit I love him, it's too complicated!) He says he has feelings for me/loves me but, his actions say otherwise.

Good luck with Day 2.

Why is it so hard?

I broke again today! Well, I woke up to messages from him and I replied I’m so angry at myself. He has literally told me that he is done, and I know it’s not right and it needs to end but I want him to want me, I’m ashamed of how that sounds.

It’s so toxic, we’re either so loved up or we’re at each other’s throats. He says the most awful things to me in arguments, I know he’s been speaking to other women but still I have this knot in my stomach about it being over and I’m constantly checking to see if I’ve heard from him.

I think I have some sort of anxious attachment issue, and a desire to “fix” him but I don’t know how to snap out of this and I’m scared of another lockdown and the loneliness that comes with it. I honestly wish I had never met him.

@brianofhull - I wish I knew the answer to that question! it's because we care isn't it? keep talking here x

I know I will break and reply. I always do. I feel I need to see him and talk face to face and be honest and say how I feel, to try and put this thing to bed for once and for all.

I can empathize with everything you’re saying @BrianOfHull. It’s so hard because deep down we love these people and we’ve dedicated so much time and energy to these relationships. I hate the word obsession because it makes me feel like a bunny boiler, but I am definitely obsessive about my NC person. I don’t know what your case is like, but in my case, when it’s good, I feel euphoric, like I’m floating - nobody else has ever made me feel like that.

I’m worried that I’m game playing without meaning to. I told her that I’d be in touch, but of course what I want is that she breaks first and gets in touch with me because she’s struggling so hard without me. The whole thing feels like a constant power struggle and there is never just a balanced 50/50 relationship there.

I’m so tired of how much room this takes up in my life - like you Brian, I wish I’d never met her.

@Ineedaslap and @Margie32

I’m sorry you’re both going through similar feelings. I wish I had the answer I suppose all we can do is take it one day at a time.

I know he will be back in contact eventually - when he gets bored of who has turned his head this time, or when he needs a favour. I just hope enough time has passed before then to make me strong enough to ignore him.

I agree. All we can do is take one day at a time. That's enough.
Re euphoria - have you read about Limerance?
not saying that is what is going on, but it is interesting to read.

Day 3 no contact with AP
It's killing me. All I do is dream about him
But he's a vile prick and a nasty piece of work
It's the worst pain ever

(((@wetasstenalady)))
remember line 3 that you have just typed - stay strong.
It hurts but you're doing SO well, protecting 'future you' from more pain x

That's all I keep thinking. Those nasty words. The selfish behaviour. Not the times he was charming and fun. The times they are vile have to be the ones we take into account

Keep remembering the nasty things they've said and don't go to their level.

My NC has never said anything to hurt me so can't focus on that!

Morning all,

Like you @Ineedaslap I feel like I need to see her to be able to get any kind of closure, messages just make things worse as I read meaning into them, find holes in her stories and generally drive myself crazy by over-analyzing everything!

Have you decided to meet up with your NC person? My concern is that if we meet up, she’ll talk me round, convince me I’ve got it all wrong, I’ll forgive her and we’ll be back to square one. But at the moment things have just been left hanging...

@Margie32

Meet them if you feel strong enough but make sure you walk away the bigger person. Don't say anything you'll regret at a later date. That way you won't be tempted to message them afterwards or see them again. Walk away leaving them as the person who missed out on a chance to be with you and keep telling yourself that to maintain NC afterwards

Thanks @wonderingaboutlife1, such good advice. To be honest I don’t think I’m strong enough to see her right now, but hopefully I’ll get there. I would rather meet her on my terms and with some prior notice rather than bumping into her with no warning (a possibility in our case).

@Margie32
Completely understand that. I have the same situation here, though I would love to bump in to him at the moment - never happens! Give it a week, see how you feel and then meet her if you think it will help to draw a line under things?

Find it helps to keep a note on my phone of things I would like to say if we do coincidentally meet somewhere, think it's the process of writing it out that helps to remember it. Also make sure I never look like absolute shit as guaranteed that's when I will cross paths with him.

I do the same thing @wonderingaboutlife1 - I write things in notes on my phone, all the things I would say if I wasn’t trying to be NC. And the looking good thing is a great tip - knowing my luck I’ll bump into her in the supermarket when I’m in my trackie bums and no make up!

Been listening to “I Forgot That You Existed” by Taylor Swift on repeat this morning - very therapeutic!

Good morning everyone!

A slow start for me today.
I have a Year 11 v upset by Lockdown and a Year 9 who is upset too. They take all my time and energy (though I do duck in here). It means I try to obsess only at night alone in bed / in shower.
So begins Day 10, for me.
I have a very significant birthday coming up (12th). He is always rubbish at birthday's / xmas etc and expects people to understand that (yet gets huffy if you forget his). He told me he had bought me a modest gift (and what it was). I wonder if I will hear from him now? He has form for going quiet for months at a time, (over many years). -
We've not met since August (we live 300 miles apart) last spoke by phone on 23rd, last texted on 24th He ignored Xmas itself, sent an 'are you awake' at 6am on 26th (which I didn't open) and nothing since. (I accidentally sent a round robin HNY meme to a list of friends forgetting he was on it on WhatsApp - he prob wont see it for 6m but I dont know if I can delete it now???)
Arrgh - back to thinking about messages when I was doing so well. It's lockdown -making me feel vulnerable. I'll KOKO, 1 day at a time.
I dont' have the fear of 'bumping into him' (though we'll all be out less for a while now) but I do have a decades long relationship to NC now.

Coffee? Tea? Scones?

Sorry to hear today is a difficult one @52andblue, sit down I’ll get the coffees.

Night time is hard isn’t it? My children were extremely upset about schools closing too, and last night all just felt a bit too much. Had a good cry, and another one this morning but still haven’t reached out to him and I won’t hear from him either.

I have that anxious, sick feeling in my stomach but I keep getting waves of anger and I am starting to realise that even if he did text me I don’t want to get back into our toxic cycle again. I’m hoping as more days pass I’ll feel stronger and will completely reject him if he does get in touch.

Do you have anything nice planned for yourself on your birthday?

Starting again for me... just had a telephone call and my head has properly gone. This is going to be really hard as I have so many questions I want to ask him and so much I want to say/know.

He takes me off in to a fantasy world - and I love it there but it's not reality

@BrianofHull - thank you, that is SO kind xxx

I've nothing planned so far, except I bought myself a cake in the M&S sale last week - it will be slightly stale but it was £5 instead of £15 :)
The kids and I will enjoy scoffing it. The best gift I could give myself is to not think of him that day and not expect anything in the lead up.
I'm working on it.
I think the thing is to let ourselves 'feel' stuff. Angry, sad, the whole range, and try to sit with those feelings and not 'reach out' (as what we are 'reaching for' is a bit of an illusion in terms of support anyway, we are more likely to find that here).
Easier said than done but worth aiming for nevertheless.

@52andblue completely agree and I’ve really tried to sit with my feelings and not try to push them away. It’s hard but I’m learning.

Also posting here or rereading the thread when I’m tempted to text him has helped enormously!

Roll on the day when we don’t give these people a passing thought!

@wonderingaboutlife1 sorry to hear that it’s set you back, why did he call you?

@BrianOfHull

To "catch up and check how I was with the new lockdown"... 45 minutes later and I'm right back at square 1