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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

810 replies

52andblue · 30/12/2020 11:56

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 09/04/2021 21:59

@Thewookiemustgo I'm afraid I wish I knew what the secret to forgiving is when they have betrayed you so badly. Only you can know when you are ready to fully forgive your husband. Allow yourself to process the hurt before you forgive because forgiving too early will hinder the healing process.Forgiveness is a very personal thing and you need to know what that means for you.

For me, forgiving someone is not bearing a grudge on that person for the hurt they caused me and willing to let go of the incident and not bring it up again in order to heal and move on.

Like you say, we are not perfect, but I really do hope you can heal from the pain and have a good relationship with your husband.

Thewookiemustgo · 10/04/2021 00:24

@Ruminating2020 thank you for your kindness.
I don’t bear a grudge, but I have trouble letting go. I don’t bring it up or throw it back at him, pointless and very unfair. I don’t want him to stay so that I can punish him for the rest of our lives. If you decide to stay, you really do have to move on and look to the future.
I struggle with feeling like if I ‘forget’ (impossible really) I’m acting like it was nothing, like it was ok. It wasn’t. It isn’t. It never will be. It’s never an ok thing to do to anybody.
The reason we are still together is because we do have a good relationship. We love each other and know we always will, even if in the future that proves to be not enough to keep us together. It pains me to say that the Beatles were wrong, love isn’t all you need. We always did, despite of what people say about affairs not happening to good relationships. They do. It could only continue as long as it did because until it started to get to him and his behaviour became noticeably different I never noticed anything wrong. Life was ok. We laughed, we did stuff together, we shared our bed every night as usual and had sex.
He had no intention of ever leaving me.
If they want to leave their wives for the AP, they do.

Thewookiemustgo · 10/04/2021 00:34

Ugh. I don’t bring it up any more but internally if I’m totally honest I haven’t let it go yet. 🙄 Weirdly it’s almost like a safety net. Like if I let go completely I leave myself vulnerable again. But I need to. He says that when we get really close like we used to be I still push him away. I probably do. He no longer deserves it, however. He couldn’t do more than he’s doing now. It’s the way his betrayal has left me. Hopefully I can change this as I work on myself.
Stay strong, ladies, we’ve all got a lot of work to do. XX

Breakingupbadly72 · 10/04/2021 13:05

@ibelieveinmirrorballs, yes I have started Catherine Gray book. Also your tips on the lists really useful as helps balance out thoughts.
So this morning I took myself off for a walk to some historic gardens. It was very quiet. I just enjoyed the surroundings in a safe place and let my 'feel.' I hope that makes sense. It really is like a grieving process and I must feel deeply as I go through this with every relationship breakup. I can't even say it gets easier, its just another disappointing ending. I'm getting a little further towards the acceptance stage.
Weekends seeks to be the hardest for a lot of us. This is the time I spent with mine.
I need to rid myself of the toxic feelings and names he called me, its cruel and a reflection of him, not me. I'm standing up for myself. How dare he. Maybe like people say, he knew what would hurt the most.
Anyway, just an offload. Hope everyone is having a half decent Saturday Flowers

52andblue · 10/04/2021 13:32

@Breakingupbadly72
Well done for getting yourself out and to somewhere beautiful where you can let yourself 'feel' as part of your healing / growth process.
That is SO important, but can be difficult to achieve, either because it actually IS , or because we think we are 'worth it' (to quote a shampoo ad type soundbite). It's a difficult balance of distracting from feelings when in danger of NC contact and allowing ourselves to feel them enough to process them and learn from them and move on to not repeat the same patterns, I think. (well, it is for me) xxx

I aim to get my two very stressed teens out of the house today. They both have ASD, are lovely but sometimes, when they are monotopic-ing about a special interest or 3, it is hard to have any thoughts of my own. Atm, one is playing the same 3 bars on the piano (and has been for 20 mins). Late at night is 'my time' but then I usually fall asleep.

I've also had an annoying call from exH today. He, who has not paid maintenance since I left him 4.5 years ago, is using my old car (tbf, a rustbucket value c.£500) wants to know 'can you renew the car insurance, I'm a bit broke and I want to be able to drive to see the kids). He'd also sent a plaintive text about 'his tiring week', a row of halloween emojis and a Gif of a kitten (prob meant for someone else, he's a muppet). None of this is a hanging offense, but it's bloody tiring. Also there is no concern for his kids here, all about HIM.
He doesn't really bother with the kids as 'its too tiring'.
FFS. No wonder NC seemed appealing whilst in the love bombing phase when I'd endured a marriage like that (he was no better before)
Righto, we are off out (to look at local military pillboxes, woo hoo)
Sorry for mahoosive vent...
BUT, I've not contacted NC :) Another day down :)

OP posts:
Alwaystheotherwoman · 10/04/2021 15:38

Hey everyone. I woke up to find that my ex AP has blocked me on WhatsApp after 9ish weeks of NC. Why do that after this long? I never had any intention of contacting him and clearly he hasn’t contacted me but I was still checking ‘occasionally’ not obsessively!!! Whether he was online. It feels like he has taken control. There was just no need.

I never had any closure from him. I sent a message about how he made me feel and he never replied. He could have appeased me easily but he chose not too. That’s what our two years was worth to him.

It’s strange that you know the situation wasn’t making you happy and it’s the wrong thing to be doing to your family yet it still takes up head space 2 months later.

Ruminating2020 · 10/04/2021 16:22

@Alwaystheotherwoman Does it matter who blocked who if you are going NC?

What sort of closure are you looking for from your ex AP? I don't think he will give you any and you will have to accept that he just enjoyed the attention, chase etc.

In my case, the AP told me he would get closure if I consented to "making love". Bleurgh. Envy >> Not envy at all. He was not going to let me go until he got what he wanted and assaulted me when I said no.

Given he has now blocked you, then at least you the temptation isn't there anymore. Concentrate on nurturing the relationships with those who genuinely care about you.

52andblue · 10/04/2021 18:11

@alwaystheotherwoman - I agree with @ruminating2020 that you are extremely unlikely to 'get closure' either because he doesn't understand it himself, or because he doesn't want to discuss it, or a combi of both.
Its really hard, but its better to explore what led you into it / kept you there / what you've learned from it if you can x

OP posts:
ibelieveinmirrorballs · 10/04/2021 18:59

Agree with the others - can you block him now too, then delete the number completely from your phone? My therapist said to me regarding my last break up - even if you could strap them down in a chair and force them to give you answers, even that wouldn't be satisfactory. Their best answers wouldn't be good enough. And half the time they have no idea why they do the things they do.

@Breakingupbadly72 well done for getting out in nature today. I was feeling quite blue today too, although had some good 'kick up the arse' chats from friends who reminded me - this is going to be a bloody boring weekend regardless (shit weather, everything still closed) so best to just totally accept that and stop ruminating just because I'm bored. Reminded myself that even though my 'thoroughly decent' ex who will patiently listen and take my calls and do his best to explain, will still leave me grumpy and dissatisfied were I to call him. Because ultimately I just have to accept what is, which is that he no longer wants us to be together. Even though when rational I think he's right, it's the acceptance I struggle with.

52andblue · 10/04/2021 19:03

I've had the two best walks with the kids yesterday and today. It helps to count my blessings (and to remember that's something NC will never have)

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 10/04/2021 21:33

Pleased to hear that you had a good day @52andblue. It is certainly good to count your blessings which the NC can not do because they are never truly happy with anything.

52andblue · 10/04/2021 23:22

Agreed @ruminating2020.
Did I miss it before if you said about your ex assaulted you? Christ that's horrible, so sorry x

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 10/04/2021 23:45

@52andblue
Not an ex, but an EAP who I believe was a narcissist. I didn't know about narcissism then but once I read about NPD on here, it's like the penny dropped to why I was so confused most of the time and why I had difficulty in getting out despite numerous attempts early on.

Yes, this person assaulted me when I said no. Anytime I didn't comply, they would switch personalities and I never knew what to do to make things right. It was a horrible experience but I really had myself to blame.

52andblue · 11/04/2021 00:20

Oh @ruminating2020.
You weren't to blame for an assault. Please dont think that x

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 11/04/2021 09:38

@52andblue Thank you for your kind words.

Alwaystheotherwoman · 11/04/2021 09:59

No I know it makes no difference who blocked who. I just think I’d rather prefer of him to not be thinking of me at all than think of me and think right I don’t want to hear from her again so I’ll block her. I know it’s the wrong attitude to have. So I’ve deleted his number out of my phone. This way I won’t be constantly checking to see if he’s unblocked me and blocked me again like you often hear of these games.

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 11/04/2021 11:42

If it helps @Alwaystheotherwoman there’s more than one reason why someone blocks a person. I’ve done it because I also don’t want to be tempted to get in touch with them, or because I don’t want to be checking my phone in case they’ve messaged.

Ruminating2020 · 11/04/2021 11:51

@Alwaystheotherwoman I think that is the safest thing to do. You will drive yourself mad going round in circles wondering why otherwise.

All this blocking and blocking is toxic mind games that will go and in if someone doesn't do the sensible thing and remove themselves from the situation.

Stay strong.

52andblue · 11/04/2021 12:24

I saw two memes on my phone this morning that I thought were useful:

  1. You can delete me, block me, unfriend me, and even unlove me but you will never forget me.

(I'm not really into SM - MN and a FB account which I look at once a month at most, so I've not bothered too much about the whole blocking/unblocking thing. It's whatever works for you, but I like this)

  1. Your perception of me is a reflection of you. My reaction to you is an awareness of me.

THIS I think is very good. My reaction to NC is not important re Him, but it is important re me improving my awareness of ME.

Happy Sunday, everyone. Stay strong xxx

OP posts:
Alwaystheotherwoman · 11/04/2021 13:05

Thanks everyone. It just makes me sad that he couldn’t be arsed, after a pretty intense 2 years of contact, to not reply to a message where I told him why I was upset.

I feel like I took a massive stupid risk for someone who didn’t care enough for me. It was just sex for him and I made him feel good. Maybe I was more infatuated with him rather than in love with him as sometimes I really didn’t like him as a person but the sex was great and I enjoyed being treated like a woman rather than a mother and wife. Does that make sense?

Ruminating2020 · 11/04/2021 13:25

@Alwaystheotherwoman I guess his lack of reply is him evading accountability for the way he treated you. You should just take that as confirmation of someone who isn't worthy of your time.

I can relate to the being treated like a woman rather than just a mum, which was why I became attached to my EAP. Unfortunately, the EAP in my case really didn't like or respect women and blamed them for all the problems they had, including problems at work. Your AP didn't treat you as a woman of value, to be loved and respected, but as a thing to play around with. Losing them is no real loss at all.

Are you still married? Are you making things work with your dh?

Thewookiemustgo · 11/04/2021 17:07

@52andblue you carry no blame or shame for what happened to you. None whatsoever. A manipulative narcissist assaulted you and played clever, abusive mind games until you had no idea which way was up.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please remember just that, it happened TO you. Because of a damaged individual’s actions. Not yours. You coped as best you could at the time given the abusive circumstances. You caused nothing. XX

SometimesIwish · 11/04/2021 17:24

I have been NC with all my family since 7th September last year, now 216 days and counting ... and I am now happier and more at peace than I ever thought would be possible. This in itself is like a miracle for me after 59 years of being trapped in their manipulations and abuse ...and without doubt my escape was due in large part to the amazing advice and support I had on the Stately Homes thread, so thank you Mumsnet. Smile

But, I have realised during my wobbles (and there have been a few, especially over Christmas and when family birthdays come around) that NC doesn't necessarily mean out of mind. I've also realised that what I really wish for, and maybe some of you all do too, is that I could actually forget them and all the destructive and hurtful things they have done and said over the years ... or at the very least that these thoughts wouldn't keep coming up and spoiling my newly discovered sense of peace. It feels like when I think of these people the thoughts bring not just bad memories but also open up a part of me that still cannot quite get rid of the old habits of feeling fear, guilt and a deep sense of failure and worthlessness. But, I have found something that is helping me let all that go, so I thought I would share it here and hope it might also help someone else.

I had always had an interest in Buddhism, and one aspect I read about just before the New Year was the use of water rituals to help attain clarity, purity and promote a deep sense of calm ... all the feelings I was fighting to achieve.

Now I don't claim to be Buddhist per se, but in a lightbulb moment I decided to create my own form of water ritual to help me deal with these intrusive thoughts and feelings. So this is what I do ...

When I am going to have a bath, or more usually a shower, I get my brightest, most vibrant red lipstick and I write their names on my body with it, usually down one leg or the other, then I write on my torso all the negative feelings that thoughts of them create in me. Then I look at myself in the mirror and acknowledge to myself that these words on my skin represent the internal hidden scars, wounds and memories I carry. Then I go into the shower and using the most luxurious shower gel I could find and with a really soft sponge I very gently and tenderly wash them away. I think of it like gently caring for an open wound. I don't hurry, or scrub hard, but gently stroke my skin and at the same time visualise my internal marks, scars and bruises fading away with the warm soapy water until I am fully clean, outside and inside.

I won't lie, I feel like many of you will think I am a total idiot for this post, ShockGrin and will think its an insane idea, but I will also say the first time I did this I ended up in floods of tears with the force of the emotion it brought out in me. But ... afterwards, when I was warm and dry, I felt so calm and tranquil it was amazing. I also got the best night's sleep I had had in years.

I don't do it every time I have a shower or bath, but I have been doing it 2 or 3 times a month for the past 3 months, and I do truly feel a lot better and the thoughts that used to pop into my head at least every few days are now reducing in both intensity and frequency.

I hold my hands up if you have read this and think I am a crazy fruitloop, but if you do try it I really hope it helps you as much as it has helped me.

Wishing you all strength, peace and healing. Flowers

52andblue · 11/04/2021 17:30

Hello @sometimesiwish and welcome to the thread :)
216 days is AMAZING! I'm sorry you've had to go NC with all your family, that must be hard, but you've obviously had good reason.
Your water ritual is really interesting. Thank you very much for being brave and posting it. It sounds a good idea, and I might just stay it myself. Certainly I use journaling, I know others write letters then burn them, but this is a reallycreative way of expressing feelings and the washing them away.
Sending you love and healing xxx

OP posts:
Bluedeblue · 11/04/2021 17:59

I went NC with my sister in January. It's taken 30 years (since I left home), to get to this point. She is an aggresive Narc for sure.

Lots of nice things I did were turned around to be something negative (eg. large bouquet for birthday was a sad present as it didn't require enough thought on my part). She also blamed me for lots of things that were not my fault. (Eg. her first marriage was a disaster, but as I'm older, I should have made sure she didn't marry him).

She told lies about me too - her DH must think I'm awful, but most of the things she says are twisted or a total fabrication.

During this pandemic she has screamed at people who don't have masks on in the supermarket.

She's also threatened to punch colleagues at work and has had 2 work place tribunals that I know of (there could be more).

She has ruined several family gatherings, by getting drunk and then exploding at some perceived injustice.

What surprises me, is that her DH stands by her though it all. She has alienated some of his family members and some of his friends, but yet he still does not seem to see that the problem is with her.

In January, she was texting me up to 30 times a day, some messages were very toxic and then she sent me one about our old Dad implying that I wouldn't care if he hit rock bottom and something in me just snapped. I haven't spoken to her since.

What helped me, was the realisation that I could be THE BEST sister ever, but in her eyes I would always be the villain of the piece. I could literally do everything right (and I did mostly), but it's NEVER enough, so in the end I just decided to stop trying.

Life is peaceful now, as I am no longer tying myself in knots to appease someone who is incapable of being appeased

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