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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

No Contact Support thread - anyone interested?

810 replies

52andblue · 30/12/2020 11:56

Anyone want to join me?
(I'm currently on Day 6)

I won't go into huge details but I am trying to maintain NC with a narcissist (diagnosed, amongst other dx...) who has been in my life on and off for 30 years and mirrors a Narc relationship with my Mother. I've all the 'intellectual understanding' of it, but find NC hard.

OP posts:
Alwaystheotherwoman · 11/04/2021 18:05

@Ruminating2020 - yes I’m still married. He doesn’t know I’ve had an affair. He thinks things are ok between us. They are the complete opposites of each other. That’s what attracted me to him. I believe he was a narcissist too and really a sex pest. Everything was very sexualised with him. He would comment on every other woman/celeb about their appearance etc. Funny as he wasn’t that good looking himself so I’m not sure who he thought he was!!! However at the time I liked the sexual attention. Now I think it was a bit creepy and am confused as to why I liked it so much.

I’m also sorry you went through what you did. That sounds a bit psycho trying to make you make love to him to get his closure. Absolutely dreadful behaviour

NamechangedNewbie · 11/04/2021 18:16

"Life is peaceful now, as I am no longer tying myself in knots to appease someone who is incapable of being appeased"

I'm desperate for some peace like this - I don't even know where to start with my issue, but I'm scared of actually going NC, as the guilt I'll feel is unbearable to just think about. Sad

Bluedeblue · 11/04/2021 18:19

I've just remembered, that I am also NC with my first husband and that didn't come into my head when I first read this! He went NC with me, despite the fact that he was the cheater and the cause of our divorce (I left him). It's been nearly 13 years now since we separated and about 5 years of NC. Just goes to show that time really is a great healer, so hang on in there folks. Plenty of fish ihn the sea also. Got myself a lovely 2nd DH now.

Bluedeblue · 11/04/2021 18:20

NamechangedNewbie I will try to find your previous posts.

Bluedeblue · 11/04/2021 18:22

NamechangedNewbie I can't see any detail of who you are trying to go NC with?

SometimesIwish · 11/04/2021 18:27

Hi 52andblue, and thank you very much for the welcome Smile I have to say I am very relieved you didn't think I was completely mad Grin.

I see from your posts you are doing great on your NC's (3 of them, right?) so massive congratulations to you too Flowers and don't beat yourself up if you have minor slips, the main thing is to remember you are still 100% committed to a healthier life for yourself and your family without these toxic people damaging it ... and that level of commitment is success in itself.

I've read about people burning things ... letters, photos, clothing or other symbolic items of their pain ... and about journaling too ... but I wanted something that was peaceful, and left no trace. (I am probably the kind of person that if I kept a journal I would read and re-read it endlessly, so for me it could end up being a kind of emotional scab picking exercise which would stop me from letting go and being able to move forward.)

Plus, one of the negative aspects of the abuse or trauma that leads people to go NC is that resulting sense of struggling to deem yourself truly worthy of care ... even self care. I know I suffered a lot with that in the past. So deliberately taking that time to gently and mindfully concentrate on myself and on caring for my body and mind was a big challenge for me.

I know it's different for everyone and we all have our own reasons for going NC, but I do think the one thing the majority of us share is the desire to feel at peace, and for me, that means as much as possible being able to go NC in my own mind as much as I have already got NC in the physical world.

I guess at the end of the day we all struggle with how to actually manage going NC or LC, but if we can learn over time the best ways of protecting ourselves from suffering further damage and pain it doesn't matter what we do if it works for us. There are times to face the demons and times to turn away ... the key is to do it on our terms not theirs.

52andblue · 11/04/2021 19:41

@Bluedeblue
thank you for your post and welcome x
I am sorry you've had such an awful trial with your sister.
I can relate as I have a Mother like that (the pattern for all my self esteem issues). Your comment: 'Life is peaceful now, as I am no longer tying myself in knots to appease someone who is incapable of being appeased' is SPOT ON. I can only imagine what it's taken to get you to this stage. A lot of courage, I reckon x

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52andblue · 11/04/2021 19:43

Hello and welcome too @NamechangedNewbie
Sorry you are feeling so worried at the thought of going NC.
Is it something you can talk to us about here? you don't have to give details if you don't want to, but you could maybe say the themes that you are struggling with? We can offer support to each other here and share hints and tips for what we each find helpful. So far, it's a really nice supportive kind thread I think. I hope you will stay x

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52andblue · 11/04/2021 19:51

Not mad at all @SometimesIwish - I may even try this myself (slightly worried in my normally sleep deprived state I might use a sharpie pen!)

My 'journaling' is to record dreams / things I want to say to NC without putting them in an email (too risky I might send it) so I just keep a pad by my bed and don't re read it. The 'book' I vomited out in a 4 week spurt about 2 years ago. I needed to write it, but I don't go over it now and I won't ever try to publish it but I think it helped me then.
I agree that self care can slide a lot. We can use so much time and energy on them / thinking about them and it all takes away from what we need to be giving ourselves.

'Peace' yes - I'm not there yet but I am clear that is what I am aiming for.

Yes, I am LC with my Mother (who has done some really awful things to me) and LC with exH. I went NC with an old friend last autumn as he was really horrible to me. I am LC with another old friend who went a bit weird on me. But the big challenge is NC with a man I have known since I was 19 (now 53). I miss him hugely. But he isn't good for me so I have walked away. On my terms not his, one day at a time.

Thank you for your further thoughtful post

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Ruminating2020 · 11/04/2021 21:32

[quote Alwaystheotherwoman]@Ruminating2020 - yes I’m still married. He doesn’t know I’ve had an affair. He thinks things are ok between us. They are the complete opposites of each other. That’s what attracted me to him. I believe he was a narcissist too and really a sex pest. Everything was very sexualised with him. He would comment on every other woman/celeb about their appearance etc. Funny as he wasn’t that good looking himself so I’m not sure who he thought he was!!! However at the time I liked the sexual attention. Now I think it was a bit creepy and am confused as to why I liked it so much.

I’m also sorry you went through what you did. That sounds a bit psycho trying to make you make love to him to get his closure. Absolutely dreadful behaviour[/quote]
@Alwaystheotherwoman Don't be too hard on yourself about falling for his attention, that is the purpose of lovebombing. They say things to make you feel special and desirable to lower your defenses. They are predatory creatures.

He sounds very much like the toxic person in my case who I would also a sex pest, but he would use the phrase "making love" as if that made him sound less creepy. I think psycho is an accurate description of the person in my case. After he assaulted me in his car, he drove dangerously and recklessly as he was giving me a lift. I never accepted a lift home with him ever again.

Anyway, have you thought about getting counselling for your experience? It may help in finding your own closure and learn more about yourself.

Alwaystheotherwoman · 12/04/2021 08:59

@Ruminating2020 - I’m ashamed to say that I loved the attention he gave me even if it was so overtly sexual. I thought I was special to him and he was saying and doing things to me because I was special. I think it was because I’m probably the only person he’s found who will do those things! He’s had numerous affairs before so I’m not special. And do you know what. I enjoyed the things we did together. Experiencing completely new things. He brought out ‘kinks’ that I didn’t even know I had. Would I do it all again??? With him??? Probably. But make sure it stayed FWB nothing else. No feelings involved.

I would like counselling but it will raise too many questions. My husband would want to know why I need it. If I did it in secret then he would want to know where I’m going and where’s the money going. I’m also not good at talking. I can write and text everything down but face to face I just clam up and expect people to know what I mean 😬.

How long ago did this assault take place and how long have you been NC?

Breakingupbadly72 · 12/04/2021 09:41

Morning all, I haven't kept up with the thread over the weekend. I hope everyone is OK. So, today's restrictions lift. Anyone else feeling sad this morning? I met my NC during the first lockdown, so did not experience normal dating things, eg going to cinema etc. I wonder if things would have been different. I know I need to develop speaking out loud 'these thoughts are not helpful' and distract but..
I love the idea of the lipstick on body and washing it away. I totally get it. In fact, I think I will try it today Flowers

Ruminating2020 · 12/04/2021 12:37

@Alwaystheotherwoman The assault happened 14 years ago and I confronted him the next time I saw him but he tried to gaslight it away, blameshift and deflect and even hint it was consensual.

To my shame, even after I had told him I didn't want to have anything to do with him again, he hoovered me and sometimes I responded. He was sacked/left the workplace following an investigation for something he wouldn't disclose to me and I thought that was the end of it.

I moved shortly after and he got my contact details from the internet, he accosted me on my way to work, trying to corner me. I simply stopped responding to his emails and averted my eyes when I saw him in public. This was a year after the assault, and the last hoover attempt that I ignored was 4 years after that.

Have you thought of rebuilding your sex life with your dh if that is what you needed at the time?

Alwaystheotherwoman · 12/04/2021 15:25

@Ruminating2020 - strange question but for how long do you class someone as NC. At some point they are just someone that you used to talk to and they are now out of your life???

Yes I need to rebuild my sex life with my husband. Like a lot of people on MN we are more friends than anything else. And it feels strange to suddenly go from pretty vanilla sex to asking for more. I do need to put in more effort and build a connection back with him. This could be a whole other thread!!!

NamechangedNewbie · 12/04/2021 15:48

My apologies for such a delay - I haven't had much time since posting yesterday, and I don't even know where to start. I started panicking too, and I feel so poorly all the time.

I never thought I would even be thinking of NC, but I just can't deal with anything else.

I seem to have really upset my (il) family, to the extent that I stopped hearing from them altogether. They still picked the phone up to message each other - including my DH - but when asked what I'd done to cause such an extreme reaction, my DH never got an answer - he started asking around Christmas, and we are still none the wiser.
It has been more obvious because we've had xmas, new year and a number of birthdays.

So, there appears to be more than 1 issue, but we don't have an answer to the main reason (point 2), which seems to be driving all this.

1)) They didn't agree (and made it clear), with our decision to stick to covid rules. I'm here for my CEV Brother if needed.

2)) There is a problem with me, and apparently I'm the reason that mil doesn't know our DD, (our DD has also been brought up within the same context), but we have no idea why?

3)) DH and his Brother had an uncomfortable discussion re: point 1, but my bil brought my Dad into it - who has passed away - to try and compare the situation, but again, I wasn't here when that happened but my DH was incredibly angry & upset about what was said.

Now, all this seems to be hardly anything (and I agree), but this has led to such an extreme reaction on the il side that texts, when I was still getting them, have changed in wording & amount received.

I now feel that I don't have any option but to distance myself completely, as I can't keep going through this awfulness whenever there is a birthday, anniversary etc.

I've spent months crying daily and tbh, we've (DH & I) had to cope with so much in the last 10 years as it is, that I don't think I should be treated like this every time I do something, or don't do something, they disagree with. Or, should I allow myself to be treated this way?

I can only describe it in the context of like being sent to coventry, and it really does seem to drive you mad. Maybe I'm in the wrong, but I just don't know what I should take, given they're my (il) family.

Just for full disclosure The last 10 years have included us dealing alone with: 2 SEN children, meltdowns and all that entails, 2 of them out of school for a long time, 2 of them being taken to different schools - 1 of them was always late dropped off and picked up, School Tribunal for 1 child, PIP Tribunal for the other child. DH has ended up with mental health difficulties, and the main ones, which were going on throughout all of this is My Dad died (I ended up having therapy for PTSD, but had to stop it because of the following) & my Brother was days away from dying and wasn't 'supposed' to survive what he did, and needed lots of care. Oh, and I've been really struggling with peri-menopausal issues.

Any suggestions would be amazing, as things can't get any worse.

Sorry it was such a long reply.

Ruminating2020 · 12/04/2021 16:13

@Alwaystheotherwoman I think I knew for certain that I was never going to contact him ever again was when I no longer cared what he was doing anymore and what he thought of me.

I knew in my heart that I didn't like him and in fact despised him but all I was doing was allowing him to disrespect me again and again. I had to show that I wasn't just going to ask "How high?" when he told me to jump.

To answer your question about classing them as NC, it was when he kept trying to establish contact with me, and I didn't even try to come up with any excuses anymore to say why I can't keep in touch with him.

I simply stopped responding to anything and felt no temptation to. His last attempt to hoover triggered a strong aversion and feeling of revulsion, that I couldn't even finish reading it. At that point, I wondered why I just didn't ignore him sooner.

I hope you manage to work things out with your dh. MN does have a sex board now so it might me worth a visit there for tips.

Ruminating2020 · 12/04/2021 16:23

Hi @NamechangedNewbie
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation with your in laws. It must be very frustrating and uncomfortable also for your dh when he is trying to find out what it is you had done to cause such reaction from his own family who can't seem to communicate what it is.

You are really struggling, is there someone you trust in RL who you can talk to and support you through this?

Hopefully someone with similar experience will be able to offer some helpful advice for your situation.

52andblue · 12/04/2021 17:01

Hi @NamechangedNewbie
some of that sounds similar to me (as in 2 kids with SN and no support) In my case my exH simply said he found it 'too hard' and excused himself from all responsibilities (just wanted photo opps and to whinge to his family about how awful the kids were and how draining it was for him). After a decade of 'staying for the kids' I left him 4.5 years ago and I haven't heard a word from his family since. But they'd not been in touch for 5 years before that so hardly a loss.
I am sorry you feel confused and hurt by their behavior. I think LC / NC whilst you both try to work through that as a couple sounds a sensible idea. Also perhaps someone in RL you can talk to as well? I think things are starting to open up again now re CAB / Counselling / advice type services so there might be someone F2F but if not online? DO keep posting here though re all of it. I think the Stately Homes thread is good too re very difficult family relations.

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52andblue · 12/04/2021 17:03

@Ruminating2020
Your paras 3 & 4 above are inspirational to me x

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Ruminating2020 · 12/04/2021 17:21

@52andblue Good to hear from you and thank you for your kind words. You can do it. Stay strong and remind yourself of all the reasons you are going NC.

52andblue · 12/04/2021 17:35

Yes @Ruminating2020 - I am trying really hard

I did realise earlier though - he is a Friend on MN. (I have a really locked down account but he is on my Friends list so I'll need to remove him).
Does that also remove him from Messenger, or do I need to do that separately oh wise SM savvy younger than me (probs!) people.

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Ruminating2020 · 12/04/2021 17:47

@52andblue I didn't realise you could have a friends list on MN. I think if you want to remove him from Messenger, you would have to remove him from your Facebook friends list.

Does he read this thread then?

52andblue · 12/04/2021 23:02

@ruminating2020
I am an utter muppet - I meant FB not MNet! Thank god he'd not read this thread, it'd do his ego a power of good, ugh! If I delete him from FB does that automatically delete him from Messenger, or would I have to do that manually? (told you I'm illiterate with tech)

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Ruminating2020 · 12/04/2021 23:23

@52andblue
If you remove them from your Facebook friends and block him from trying to add you, I don't think it will remove conversations on Messenger so those will need to be deleted too. I have not tried myself to be honest.

52andblue · 12/04/2021 23:33

@ruminating2020 ah, thanks! I always assume everyone but me knows this stuff, sorry. It doesn't greatly matter I guess, i was just thinking how I've 'disappeared' then felt annoyed he might see my FB posts (just guff, but my guff iyswim). I'm wittering now, so off to bed I go. Night night x

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