Husband’s confession of ‘minor’ dalliances

[Whatdirection]

My head is all over the place and l do not know what to do or think.

About four months ago my husband confessed to three ‘minor’ dalliances about 25-27 years ago. They involved him going out, getting very drunk and kissing three different women. The first time was when our oldest son was 3 months old. The other two occasions he cannot place but the last one could possibly have been close to when we got married. His memory is hazy and when pressed for details, he is unable to give much information. Therefore l know l cannot totally trust his version of events and there might be more to these stories.

For some context, l got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and we had only known each other a year when our son was born. We loved each other very much though and were totally committed to each other.

The first two occasions involved him going out with a group of men (one - a stag do) Although l feel sick about it, due to the intense pressure we were under and his relatively young age (he was 25/26) l do feel l can see how it might have happened.

However the third occasion involved him going out with just one other friend, meeting two other women and going back to their flat. He admits going into the woman’s bedroom but insists no more than a kiss happened. I cannot get past this - he has always been a very moral guy so l am staggered that he didn’t learn from the past two mistakes and repeated the same behaviour again.

My husband has said he has felt terrible about these events for years. He has apologised and expressed remorse. However he has also continually minimised his behaviour by blaming it on drink and saying it was not like he had an affair and he never planned any of it and has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’

He said these events have always haunted him and he felt they were a stain on our marriage. He said he didn’t want to die without telling me. He said he hoped as we had a happy marriage l would be able to forgive him. He feels he has been a good husband over the years. It almost feels like he thinks he now has enough ‘credit’ in the bank of our marriage to weather this behaviour.

I do not share such a rosy view of our marriage. He does have good qualities and he can be lovely. But he also can be grumpy, over sensitive , needy, demanding and there have been crunch times where it has felt his needs have triumphed over mine.

I feel l am questioning everything about him and our marriage. I feel so angry and am deeply disappointed in him. His ‘funny little ways’ that l guess we all have now seem intolerable. We have not been physically intimate since and the thought of being so makes me feel sick.

We have started having some marriage counselling. The counsellor thinks he was a bit young and a bit stupid but the drink affected him and he hasn’t done it since. She even used the term ‘mitigating circumstances ‘ to describe the context.

Please help me make some sense of all this. Am l over- reacting, should l cut him more slack? Or should l pay attention to my spidery senses that tell me that something is very wrong here.

'... has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’

But he absolutely is 'like that'

He should take ownership of his skanky behaviour

At the end of the day, he's just trying to get any reaction from you.
He cheated, didn't learn from his mistake and get horrified at himself and change. He did it again. I doubt its just been twice.

He cheated. He broke the vows. He wrecked the marriage. You're just the one who called an end to the abuse.

As soon as he's in the flat, change the locks on the house. He has no need to enter once he has his own place to live in. It's just another form of control.

@Whatdirection How are you doing?

I saw you on the campfire thread offering support & advice to the poor OP there and I wondered if things are settling down a bit for you. I hope you are seeing your sons & they aren’t being too drawn into your ex’s pity-fest.

Thanks for checking in KatherineSiena

The last month has felt like a rollercoaster. At times l have felt very clear, at other times very conflicted.

I had a real crash around the beginning of June as it was both our birthdays ( they are close together ). I distracted myself like mad on mine by visiting my sons and keeping busy but felt exceptionally weird on his. 27 years of celebrating these days together and now nothing.

This was compounded by my oldest friend ( who has
form for sometimes being conspicuous by her absence) behaving in a weird, distant manner and this hurt much more than it normally would.

It left me feeling very fragile and thinking ‘who can l turn to?’ and l really missed the part of STBXH who could be kind and caring and ‘there for me’.

I also started turning in on myself and questioning my behaviour. The good thing is although l have missed things about him, overall l have never felt like l want to try again. I don’t think l’d last 30 minutes.

I still get a weird ‘off balance’ feeling that l find difficult. The only way l can describe it, is it is like when you have been on a ferry and then step onto dry land and your body has to rebalance. It’s almost like a continual feeling of that. It’s very strange and unpleasant.

I have just come out of a ‘down period’ and the last couple of days have felt much happier. It feels like progress is not linear but a bit forward and then a bit backwards.

My DS2 is back from uni and despite the initial chaos of all his stuff and mess, it’s lovely to see him again. There are lots of blurred boundaries around STBXH popping round to have coffee with DS2 when l am at work. Thankfully he has just gone off on holiday and so l have a weeks respite from all this and l know l need to tackle this.

I have started journaling and found this very helpful. As l can chart my downward moods but also see when l lift out of them. When l feel low it’s feels like my mood is never going to change but of course my spirits do lift. It’s interesting to slightly detach and notice this ebb and flow.

Glad to hear from you and sorry your friend has been distant. It’s very interesting and indeed saddening to see which friends step up to the plate and those which don’t. As with a bereavement some people just don’t quite know what to say or how to comfort and then say nothing. Of course, there are others who don’t like it when their source of support might need some themselves and back away.

You always sound very reflective and journaling is an excellent idea. Recovery from a marital breakdown can’t possibly be linear as you are dealing with such a jumble of emotions. I’m sure you do miss the nice aspects of your ex’s personality and it’s only natural and indeed instinctive that you think to turn to him on occasion.

The coffee incursions are tricky aren’t they? Clearly you want your son to feel comfortable and at home but not at your expense. I think a gentle bit of nudging to get him to visit his Dad or pub/coffee shop might be in order.

Anyway, not much in the way of advice I’m afraid, you’ve got a great handle on things. I just wanted to let you know I’d thought about you and wish you well. 💐