Husband’s confession of ‘minor’ dalliances

[Whatdirection]

My head is all over the place and l do not know what to do or think.

About four months ago my husband confessed to three ‘minor’ dalliances about 25-27 years ago. They involved him going out, getting very drunk and kissing three different women. The first time was when our oldest son was 3 months old. The other two occasions he cannot place but the last one could possibly have been close to when we got married. His memory is hazy and when pressed for details, he is unable to give much information. Therefore l know l cannot totally trust his version of events and there might be more to these stories.

For some context, l got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and we had only known each other a year when our son was born. We loved each other very much though and were totally committed to each other.

The first two occasions involved him going out with a group of men (one - a stag do) Although l feel sick about it, due to the intense pressure we were under and his relatively young age (he was 25/26) l do feel l can see how it might have happened.

However the third occasion involved him going out with just one other friend, meeting two other women and going back to their flat. He admits going into the woman’s bedroom but insists no more than a kiss happened. I cannot get past this - he has always been a very moral guy so l am staggered that he didn’t learn from the past two mistakes and repeated the same behaviour again.

My husband has said he has felt terrible about these events for years. He has apologised and expressed remorse. However he has also continually minimised his behaviour by blaming it on drink and saying it was not like he had an affair and he never planned any of it and has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’

He said these events have always haunted him and he felt they were a stain on our marriage. He said he didn’t want to die without telling me. He said he hoped as we had a happy marriage l would be able to forgive him. He feels he has been a good husband over the years. It almost feels like he thinks he now has enough ‘credit’ in the bank of our marriage to weather this behaviour.

I do not share such a rosy view of our marriage. He does have good qualities and he can be lovely. But he also can be grumpy, over sensitive , needy, demanding and there have been crunch times where it has felt his needs have triumphed over mine.

I feel l am questioning everything about him and our marriage. I feel so angry and am deeply disappointed in him. His ‘funny little ways’ that l guess we all have now seem intolerable. We have not been physically intimate since and the thought of being so makes me feel sick.

We have started having some marriage counselling. The counsellor thinks he was a bit young and a bit stupid but the drink affected him and he hasn’t done it since. She even used the term ‘mitigating circumstances ‘ to describe the context.

Please help me make some sense of all this. Am l over- reacting, should l cut him more slack? Or should l pay attention to my spidery senses that tell me that something is very wrong here.

Please please make your next step be an appointment with a solicitor! That husband of yours sounds so devious, deceitful and manipulative you really need to try and be one step ahead (or three). Like others. I’m deeply suspicious of his last email - or at least, what’s behind it... Do take care op, this is a time to put yourself first.

He was happy to sit on this " intolerable " guilt for many years, so why now .
Like others have said , blindside him and get some legal advice.
I think now it's got to this stage , this marriage is on its last legs .

@Tzigane

If he has had glandular fever at any time in the past, it can reactivate in times of stress.

This is very rare, and is unlikely to be an acute episode (causing symptoms) and therefore detectable on a blood test.

It's not that rare. It can reactivate when your immune system is low.

Not saying he hasn't found someone to kiss in lockdown but it's not the only explanation.

I can't decide OP whether DH intentionally nuked his marriage because he wants out or whether he depended on your support and forgiveness.

He seems to have overestimated your feelings for him, banking on you liking him enough to forgive him, and underestimated the impact of his weird revelations.

I can't decide OP whether DH intentionally nuked his marriage because he wants out or whether he depended on your support and forgiveness.

From the beginning of this thread my sense is that his intention is to end the marriage - but it’s intolerable for him to be seen as anything other than Mr Nice Guy so has manoeuvred everything so that it’s you throwing him out.....

Wondering if he has been trying to antagonise you for years and only had to reach for the nuclear option declaring an historic dalliance because you had tolerated it all?

So sorry for all you are going through.

H's glandular fever is just another excuse for his behaviour. Oh poor me, poor me, look at how hard I'm trying, I'm not well, this is not my fault.

Your sons will have a lot to process and their own take on the whole thing. They are pretty much adults now, and you have done your best in raising them while stuck in a crappy marriage.

It's time to focus on you now. Your life belongs to you, and nobody has a right to steal it. Your H has been an utter shit, and continues to gaslight you because he's afraid of his future knowing his chickens are coming home to roost.

I suspect he will want to you go back to the family home after your rental so that he can "work on you" to change your mind and accept his version of events.

Stay away from him. You've handled this so well, and you're doing brilliantly. (I know it doesn't feel like that, but you are.)

OP , I’m so sorry .. as others have said he is very devious and manipulative.
You are being totally played here .
He’s up to something right now that you will not know about until you have ended this ..
He wants out but wants you to be the bad guy .. “ so sorry about all those years ago - “nonsense .. wish she could forgive me .. etc etc playing to the gallery....

He will bravely get on with things because he didn’t get another chance and will be the victim and then she’ll appear - “ brand new relationship .. ...
Text book ...

You deserve so much better ...

I wouldn’t leave your home with him in it - because I think he will do anything and everything to obfuscate, obstruct and delay the sale - just to be vexatious.

I also think there is an OW or that he will be OLD in a millisecond - and this would then be happening in your family home.

He fucked up - so he gets to leave.

@Sssloou

I can't decide OP whether DH intentionally nuked his marriage because he wants out or whether he depended on your support and forgiveness.

From the beginning of this thread my sense is that his intention is to end the marriage - but it’s intolerable for him to be seen as anything other than Mr Nice Guy so has manoeuvred everything so that it’s you throwing him out.....

Wondering if he has been trying to antagonise you for years and only had to reach for the nuclear option declaring an historic dalliance because you had tolerated it all?

@Sssloou

100% Agree !

Morning Everyone,

Had a really difficult day yesterday.

It started with an exceptionally long email from H. We had said we would communicate on Tuesday about options concerning our living arrangements going forward. I had made it clear that this meant living separately.

All of his options concerned me going back and living with him in some way! Promising space, separate bedrooms etc. The hilarious thing was that he actually said twice that one of the benefits of this was that
‘He would be on hand to help me heal’ like some creepy evangelical preacher!

He is going to his friends for 2 weeks from mid March so that will take us to end of March to try and reach some sort of plan.

I decided not to reply immediately but sent a long email in the evening laying out possibilities of renting, who goes where etc.

I saw some rentals yesterday and my mood really crashed. It really hit me what l was doing. I honestly cannot see him doing the same. So yet again it feels like it’s me doing all the hard work, all the thinking while he sits in the house feeling sorry for himself.

Another possibility is we do have a rental property. Unfortunately due to the new Coronavirus laws surrounding tenants we would have to give them a minimum of 6 months notice to leave. We have discussed this but it’s quite clear that he thinks it’s 50/50 who should move to the rental.

I am feeling that if l have to wait 6 months in a weird limbo then he must be the one who moves out at the end. Otherwise l would rather find a rental now.But part of me screams....why should l go? The trouble is he is perfectly happy to share the house with me while the the thought of doing so for me makes me feel physically sick.

I don’t think l could trust him one inch not to start putting the pressure on again.

Have spoken to the boys again. Eldest has been lovely, but is very shaken by the news. Youngest is now doing his best James Dean impression - all nonchalant and uncommunicative.

@Whatdirection

Morning Everyone,

Had a really difficult day yesterday.

It started with an exceptionally long email from H. We had said we would communicate on Tuesday about options concerning our living arrangements going forward. I had made it clear that this meant living separately.

All of his options concerned me going back and living with him in some way! Promising space, separate bedrooms etc. The hilarious thing was that he actually said twice that one of the benefits of this was that
‘He would be on hand to help me heal’ like some creepy evangelical preacher!

He is going to his friends for 2 weeks from mid March so that will take us to end of March to try and reach some sort of plan.

I decided not to reply immediately but sent a long email in the evening laying out possibilities of renting, who goes where etc.

I saw some rentals yesterday and my mood really crashed. It really hit me what l was doing. I honestly cannot see him doing the same. So yet again it feels like it’s me doing all the hard work, all the thinking while he sits in the house feeling sorry for himself.

Another possibility is we do have a rental property. Unfortunately due to the new Coronavirus laws surrounding tenants we would have to give them a minimum of 6 months notice to leave. We have discussed this but it’s quite clear that he thinks it’s 50/50 who should move to the rental.

I am feeling that if l have to wait 6 months in a weird limbo then he must be the one who moves out at the end. Otherwise l would rather find a rental now.But part of me screams....why should l go? The trouble is he is perfectly happy to share the house with me while the the thought of doing so for me makes me feel physically sick.

I don’t think l could trust him one inch not to start putting the pressure on again.

Have spoken to the boys again. Eldest has been lovely, but is very shaken by the news. Youngest is now doing his best James Dean impression - all nonchalant and uncommunicative.

Oh no, no, no.

You didn't cause any of this. You should neither have to live in the same house as him, nor move out. He did this. He needs to do one.

I feel a bit sick about 'helping you heal'. Just who the fuck does he think he is?! Heal from what? From him, that's what! Jesus. I'm so sorry. It sounds like this is going to be a series of attempts at manipulation.

I don't have any more words.

Stay strong, OP.

This makes me think of the saying "Do you want to be right, or be happy?"

Obviously the right thing would be for him to move out, as he's caused all this. But I think for you to be happy, I'd get a rental for 6 months, give your current tenants notice and then move into your own rental property.

The only other option seems to be to live in the same house together for 6 months.

I would get ahead with ACTIONS.

Ignore his deliberately dithering emails. The BTL flat is a time wasting option. Don’t do that. Living with him is intolerable.

You can insist that you want him to move out immediately - because he was unfaithful he has to go.

Don’t give ground. Rinse and repeat.

You have a month to move things along considerably before you are faced with the prospect of his likely stubbornness.

So have the house valued this week and put on the market immediately - spring / Easter is perfect timing.

Then engage a solicitor immediately and file for divorce on the basis of adultery - get that letter served to him ASAP.

These types obfuscate, gaslight, witter on to wear you down and win you round out of shear boredom. Don’t fall for it. They don’t listen to words - so don’t waste your breath with him.

He has to engage with actions. That will make it real for him.

Just sort the estate agent and solicitor.

Worry about the rest of it later in the month.

@Sssloou

I would get ahead with ACTIONS.

Ignore his deliberately dithering emails. The BTL flat is a time wasting option. Don’t do that. Living with him is intolerable.

You can insist that you want him to move out immediately - because he was unfaithful he has to go.

Don’t give ground. Rinse and repeat.

You have a month to move things along considerably before you are faced with the prospect of his likely stubbornness.

So have the house valued this week and put on the market immediately - spring / Easter is perfect timing.

Then engage a solicitor immediately and file for divorce on the basis of adultery - get that letter served to him ASAP.

These types obfuscate, gaslight, witter on to wear you down and win you round out of shear boredom. Don’t fall for it. They don’t listen to words - so don’t waste your breath with him.

He has to engage with actions. That will make it real for him.

Just sort the estate agent and solicitor.

Worry about the rest of it later in the month.

Great advice.

Do not wait for him to accept or catch up.

Take action while he is gone.

Don't engage with him.
This is what is happening.

He is utterly untrustworthy.

Don't waster YOUR time on him.
He is just out to manipulate and wear you down.

He sounds odious and deluded.

Next time you get a rambling email from him with suggestions, the perfect reply is one-word long.
No.
The longer your reply, the more he has material to work with.

@Bluetrews25

Next time you get a rambling email from him with suggestions, the perfect reply is one-word long. No. The longer your reply, the more he has material to work with.

Love this. I also remember a thread on here where the DW replied to all of her STBXH rambling bleating texts after he had realised the grass was not greener after he left for the OW with a solitary 👍 - each and every time.

I would also hold “Mr Nice Guy” to his honourable high moral standards that he sees as important to maintain with his friends and family and community (church) .... he has been open to them about his adultery - so he should demonstrate that he is willing to atone and behave in a respectful way so as not to cause any further disruption and distress to the injured party - by being the one to move out.

I would also be careful what you put on email because he is likely to share it with someone and somehow use it against you.

Keep the narrative simple - he was a repeat adulterer - that’s a red line for you - it breaks you vows - you have only found out but that doesn’t diminish it because you were not given a choice at the time - but if you were it would be the same as the choice you are making now.

Don’t discuss how he has disappointed you or how the marriage has eroded over the years - let the mud stick solely on him.

How are you doing today @Whatdirection?

Thanks for asking Sssloou- l’ve had a difficult few days but l’m still here, holding on and essentially feeling that l have done the right thing.

During the week, H made some concessions after l made it clear to him he needed to take responsibility.

Unfortunately yesterday he reneged on the concessions saying he needed more time and maybe l should get a rental.

This was followed by a call with DS1 who seemed to have shifted his perspective a bit. This really hurt. H has been happily playing the victim to him, saying how much he wanted to work on the marriage and that as l was the one who had given up, l should find somewhere to live.

It also sounds as if H’s mother has been bending DS1’s ear as well.

I guess as the boys probably want everything to go back to normal that it’s understandable he might be swayed by this narrative.

So I was very upset last night but had a long phone chat with my oldest friend who was so supportive.

Today has been better. I actually went round to the house to have coffee with DS2 (H out on his bike) . What was empowering was that the house did nothing for me. It felt dirty and unkempt and l just remembered how unhappy l had felt there in the last 7 months.

Then l meet my brother and SIL for a long walk. I have only recently told them. SIL (who never takes any prisoners) was so adamant in her disgust for H - it was great. My brother is a lawyer although not an expert in divorce but it was good to pick his legal brains and he will be helpful in a practical way.

The one thing that is stopping me going in all guns blazing is that DS2 has had an awful year and l always felt if possible l would like to keep the family home on for him for a bit longer.

I am starting to think about rentals again - l saw a nice one advertised today that looks promising. What l feel about this is, it’s getting increasingly more likely that the house will be sold BUT if l am happily ensconced in my rental then actually l will be in quite a strong position. I will have done the hard bit and can look around at buying somewhere smaller from a stable base.

H will be awkward and dig his heels if he is given any choice. I also will not be able to trust him not to change his mind. By renting l do have the control and it can be achieved fairly swiftly.

Not surprised that Mr Slippery has cranked up his manipulative skills to full throttle.

How dare he say that YOU ended the marriage.......keep repeating the facts he is a serial / repeat adulterer - those are the FACTS. If you choose to leave make this v clear to your sons otherwise he will use this to say that YOU have deserted the family rather than him deserting the marriage.

Teach your boys that this is a red line.

Expect your DH to time waste and obfuscate the process. Don’t let him drag it out.

It’s understandable that you want to buy some time for DD2 - but he also needs to come to terms with the fact that the marriage is over - often it takes time for house to sell - and you can also request a longer time between exchange and completion if you want to tie that in with him returning to uni.

Maybe get moving on with the legal actions so that your DH is clear what this is now is in progress.

I completely agree with the above. He is the one that caused the rupture in the marriage. Whilst I’m not keen on children being given chapter and verse on your problems they are old enough to hear the basics, which you’ve already outlined to them.

Keep calmly reiterating your line in the sand. He cheated on you, he lied to you, suppressed that lie for many years and you can’t live with that. That’s aside from all of his unappealing traits you are now seeing clarity on. Your ex, your MiL, your children can’t deny you your feelings however much your ex wants to dress this up. Just because he’s sorry now and has had his cathartic confessional release doesn’t mean you have to accept this.

Great advice above.

Getting the house definitively valued without him there should be your priority.

Legal advice too.

Do not allow him to muddy the waters.

He is a snake that cares just about himself.

You have discovered your marriage has been full of decades of deceit and lies.
You are not even sure what the truth is due to his manipulation.
That is your line in the sand.

Move on the house.
Have that information without him there.

How are you doing @Whatdirection? Just checking in and hoping you are okay.

‘Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life”

Have woken up this morning thinking of this quote from Mary Oliver (whose poetry l love) and feel l am finally getting back my one wild and precious life back.

I’ve been reflecting about how my relationship started with H and how it had to fast forward way too quickly because of getting pregnant with DS1. I remember feeling at the time that ‘l didn’t choose this’ and although in my heart l knew l wanted DS1, l was very uncertain about the package that came with it but also didn’t believe l could cope being a single Mum. The first few years were rocky but then we seemed to settle down. What actually happened was l submitted and gave up part of myself in order to have a stable family life.

So when H’s revelations came to light, the very worst thing for me was him taking away my right to choose - this has already happened once to me and for it to happen twice was unbearable.

But l couldn’t bear to think of my life without my sons. And if l had known at the time, DS2 would probably never have been born. That too is an unbearable thought.

So now l do have my life back, l get to choose and l feel lighter and so much more at peace with myself.

Things have moved a bit in the right direction. I’ve got the house back for three weeks from today and then we are going to share the house a fortnight on, a fortnight off. We have given notice to our tenants and H has said he will move back there. I am hoping our tenants who have a young family will want to sort out a new rental sooner rather than later.

I’m feeling ok about this decision. Last week l looked at a few rentals and none of them felt right. It also seemed a bit crazy to do this when we had a perfectly good option ourselves even if we do have to wait a bit. Now this decision has been made, l feel so much better. The summer is coming and l am going to make lots of plans to break up this ‘waiting’ time.

I have to be careful with myself. I have been feeling particularly exhausted. I am a secondary school teacher and the return to face to face teaching last week felt brutal and hit me like a truck. But it is only two weeks until the holidays so l am going to focus on getting through to Easter and using the holidays to take more decisive action. I have had some legal advice but my brother has also drawn up a shortlist of decent solicitors who l will contact soon.

Thanks everyone for your support and thoughts. The other day l was having a wobble and re-read the entire thread and it gave me so much strength. So many wise words.