Husband’s confession of ‘minor’ dalliances

[Whatdirection]

My head is all over the place and l do not know what to do or think.

About four months ago my husband confessed to three ‘minor’ dalliances about 25-27 years ago. They involved him going out, getting very drunk and kissing three different women. The first time was when our oldest son was 3 months old. The other two occasions he cannot place but the last one could possibly have been close to when we got married. His memory is hazy and when pressed for details, he is unable to give much information. Therefore l know l cannot totally trust his version of events and there might be more to these stories.

For some context, l got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and we had only known each other a year when our son was born. We loved each other very much though and were totally committed to each other.

The first two occasions involved him going out with a group of men (one - a stag do) Although l feel sick about it, due to the intense pressure we were under and his relatively young age (he was 25/26) l do feel l can see how it might have happened.

However the third occasion involved him going out with just one other friend, meeting two other women and going back to their flat. He admits going into the woman’s bedroom but insists no more than a kiss happened. I cannot get past this - he has always been a very moral guy so l am staggered that he didn’t learn from the past two mistakes and repeated the same behaviour again.

My husband has said he has felt terrible about these events for years. He has apologised and expressed remorse. However he has also continually minimised his behaviour by blaming it on drink and saying it was not like he had an affair and he never planned any of it and has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’

He said these events have always haunted him and he felt they were a stain on our marriage. He said he didn’t want to die without telling me. He said he hoped as we had a happy marriage l would be able to forgive him. He feels he has been a good husband over the years. It almost feels like he thinks he now has enough ‘credit’ in the bank of our marriage to weather this behaviour.

I do not share such a rosy view of our marriage. He does have good qualities and he can be lovely. But he also can be grumpy, over sensitive , needy, demanding and there have been crunch times where it has felt his needs have triumphed over mine.

I feel l am questioning everything about him and our marriage. I feel so angry and am deeply disappointed in him. His ‘funny little ways’ that l guess we all have now seem intolerable. We have not been physically intimate since and the thought of being so makes me feel sick.

We have started having some marriage counselling. The counsellor thinks he was a bit young and a bit stupid but the drink affected him and he hasn’t done it since. She even used the term ‘mitigating circumstances ‘ to describe the context.

Please help me make some sense of all this. Am l over- reacting, should l cut him more slack? Or should l pay attention to my spidery senses that tell me that something is very wrong here.

A friend of mine was in a similar position where she was getting emails saying "I'm sorry but..." and she would just reply with "I'm sorry for your loss."

How are you doing @Whatdirection?

Thanks for checking in with me Sssloou:-)

Emotionally l am feeling very sad. I think l may be allowing myself to grieve more for the loss of the relationship now - l can’t see any way back but l am now experiencing my second weekend totally alone and it’s hard. I have had some great support but it really feels like friends are getting on with their lives possibly assuming that l am now past the worst. I am trying to strike a balance between asking for help when l really need it and accepting there are going to be quiet times where l need to occupy myself. I don’t want to become a burden. I have looked into joining a walking group and am making plans for the summer but things until end of May look quiet.

There have been some developments. H did a massive U turn a fortnight ago saying l could have the house back full stop and he would base himself at his friends until our rental became available. He apologised saying he was ashamed of his actions and he needed to bear the brunt. However l know speaking to DS1 that H didn’t fancy being in the house on his own and preferred the idea of being with his mate. So not a totally selfless act.

Some good news is our tenants have found somewhere else and should move out end of May. H and I are negotiating a budget for him to furnish the house. He has been quite self entitled wanting the exact same bed, sofa and TV - the 3 big ticket items in our house. I’m actually glad the rest of our stuff is from IKEA and hand me downs! I had to smile though as when he worked out how expensive these 3 things were, he suggested he take our current TV and l have the old one in DS2’s bedroom - l replied that his philosophy of like for like had to apply to me too:-)

So even though he has made this magnanimous gesture in turns of housing, it seems his entitlement is still seeping though with his attitude to furnishing his new pad. Sigh. I can see it’s going to be very painful getting a full financial settlement agreed. I have had some very good advice on this and have a long list of things to do.

I think l need to just allow myself to sit with my emotions and let the sadness just ‘be’. I have been reading some good books that help and l feel l have much to work through. I do feel very bewildered that our marriage has come crashing down in such a way and our dynamic turned so toxic.

@Whatdirection
I remember your first posts back in December and have just now read through all of your posts since. I just wanted to say that I think you’re amazing, the way you have dealt with all of this. It’s been great to see your progress and your journey of exploring what has happened and why. I think your reflections on your marriage will help and inspire a lot of other people going through their own difficulties.

I also wanted to say that it’s really natural to now start to feel sad about what’s happened. When I discovered my exH’s infidelity and gambling debts, I went into practical mode (I had always taken the lead on practical things in our marriage anyway) and got busy with the divorce process. Looking back (this was 5 years ago) I see that I buried myself in the practical matters and didn’t deal with the emotional fallout of the end of my marriage until much later. I. Some ways it was a survival thing - I needed to get the divorce done and didn’t have the mental bandwidth to deal with the emotional side in any great depth.

So please don’t beat yourself up, or be surprised about the emotions catching up with you now. As you say, sit with it and do what you need to get through it and take care of yourself.

💐

Thanks Treetops,

I’ve been sitting here sobbing and just feel it all needs to come out.

I have had such inspiration from reading posts from other Mumsnetters and also so much advice on good books to read etc. It’s been such a help.

If my story has been any support to anyone then l feel l am paying back the favour. Sometimes we can’t quite put our finger on what is the matter with our relationships and ourselves but reading an account about someone else can clarify things for ourselves.

I think you’re doing really well and I’m glad to hear the practicalities are progressing. You’re quite right to pull him up on the furnishing bartering.

You’re bound to have those seemingly crushing waves of sadness and a good old cry will be a release. A walking group sounds like a sensible new foray.

I’ve been so impressed with your calm behaviour and measured resolution, even though you might not always feel like it. I’m sure many other people will learn a great deal from following and watching your story. Keep on as you have been and award yourself an occasional wallowing day.

I agree @Whatdirection, I’m also inspired by the stories and personal journeys of Mumsnetters. I often send relevant threads to friends who are having their own difficulties. Sometimes the advice of caring strangers can get through to us in a way that those closer to home cannot!

I love your point about paying it back. I guess that’s what we’re all trying to do by posting on here. Something good coming out of the personal heartache and pain that we’ve experienced. You should feel good about choosing to share yours. ☺️

trust your gut...and get a proper counselor.the role is to help negotiate and explore all sorts for you both...not pass judgement on how sinful a sin is

I am glad to see that there is progress and I also am impressed with your strength. Your last posts are calmer and more reflective and sadness is a good emotion at this point. It’s all part of the process - let yourself feel it to heal it.

My suspicion is that he is dating and that’s why he has let you have the family home and he has bagsied the sexy bachelor flat with all the fancy new furniture.....

There is no way this consistently entitled character has felt remorse and is being magnanimous to you. He is gaslighting you.

This arrangement suits him.

I sense he is the emotionally clingy type - so can’t be without a woman/mother.

That bit stings where they can move on so quickly - well it did for me - just need to deal with it.

Don’t be too generous financially.

I would second PP recommending seeing a good counsellor. Invest upfront in your future MH.

You still have a few tough bridges to cross and professional support if you are not the type to lean on friends would get you through.

Books and online resources are a great starting point but can become self selecting echo chamber - where as some challenging support and weekly accountability one to one can really shift you emotionally.

Thanks KatherineSiena and Sssloou. Both of you have really helped me with checking in and following my journey with fantastic support.

I am still seeing my counsellor weekly. She is good and will challenge me and now it feels we have a proper bond. I might have to scale it back a bit due to cost but l am going to try and keep it going weekly until H moves out properly.

He may well have intentions of dating. His viagra is no longer sitting in the bathroom cabinet. I mentioned to DS1 that l suspected H would soon meet someone else and he very sweetly said he very much doubted it as ‘he would need to get over losing me first’. Hadn’t the heart to explain that l didn’t think H worked like that.

Both the boys feel very sorry for H but both see he had massively messed up. Of course they love him and don’t want to see their father as inherently mean or manipulative. I do shake my head and wonder why he seems to be getting so much sympathy though.

I am reading a great book at the moment called ‘Out of the Fog’ by Dana Morningstar. It effectively separates normal healthy behaviours from more problematic behaviours with real clarity. It has helped me see how ‘off’ H’s behaviour was and that l would accept things that were definitely not ok.

Things like he couldn’t understand why l couldn’t trust him anymore and l would have to take time to explain to him my reasons. Just the fact l had to sit there and explain to him was a massive red flag. Any fully functioning adult would KNOW that hiding secrets for 25 years would damage trust. It’s things like that, that slipped under my radar.

Totally committed to each other from thestart obviously both of you weren't 'totally' otherwise all these minor daliances wouldn't occur.
He is feeling guilty and offloading onto you 'some' of the details of his indiscretions

Sorry op just read your last post....moved on somewhat since the original post...must try harder to read through threads

How have you been getting on @Whatdirection?

Morning @Sssloou, thanks for checking in.

I’m not doing too badly. I have had three difficult weekends but the last one didn’t feel so bad. I am slowly starting to make plans and find things to do.

The tenants are moving out in 10 days time - a bit earlier than expected so it’s been all systems go with logistical arrangements regarding that. H is getting very fed up with staying with friend/his Mum so seems happy to have a permanent base on the horizon. There have been lots of emails from him, some very spurious and he has been regularly popping into the house when l am at work to get things etc.

I realise that it is going to be like that for a few weeks now as l know he will take his own sweet time to pack up. However yesterday he sent me an email while l was at work saying he couldn’t work effectively at his Mum’s and he was going to have to work at my home for the next week while l was at work. I felt furious when l read it as he had effectively given me no option and made a unilateral decision with no respect for my privacy.

What was interesting is that my anger passed and by the time l got home l was over it. I’m not happy about him doing it and to me it’s just another piece of evidence of his self entitlement and manipulative ways. However he will have no reason to do that in 10 days time so it really is just for a brief period and it just didn’t feel worth it to have a big fall out about it. If l said no, he would be making excuses anyway to visit the house under the pretext of packing.

He then sent me another email saying he had decided to go back to his friends at the weekend depriving me of the car. Again this does affect me and to do this at short notice is annoying as it disrupts plans. But l just thought ‘whatever’.....

I feel quite liberated by how little effect his behaviour has had on me. It feels a bit like he is a toddler in a paddling pool trying really hard to splash me very hard. However all l need to do is step out of the paddling pool and stand back and observe him frantically splashing all on his own.

I realise l am not out of the woods yet and l am sure there will be some twists and turns on the way. I can’t be naive but with his moving date so soon it does feel like a significant step forward to about to happen.

This was really interesting to read and your self-awareness of how you react to him is spot on. I love your toddler analogy and I think you need to hold onto that image. He’s being deliberately provocative isn’t he, trying to make life uncomfortable or difficult for you. But do what you’re doing, let it wash over you and keep your eye on the prize. I don’t doubt he’ll try and throw a few more curveballs but you’ve got his measure.This will soon pass and he will gradually lose more control over you and the situation.

I hope your sons are well and you are managing to see/speak to them regularly.

In tricky or difficult times I find just having a simple to do list helpful. I make myself do some daily admin, small household tasks, an email or text to a friend, my online language course etc, then I feel I have accomplished something. It’s very satisfying mentally ticking them off and you sound similarly motivated.

I am not surprised that he is being disruptive, provocative and attention seeking.

I admire your ability to see it for what it is - and keeping your eyes on the prize BUT able careful because he is likely to continue to up the ante and you might crack which is the reaction he wants.

Might be good to put in place some assertive non confrontational boundaries.

“No. That doesn’t work for me” - rinse repeat. No need to justify or explain.

He needs to get to know the new calm, assertive and indifferent you.

What are the next steps once he is in the flat? What happens with your shared car and will he continue to drop in especially when your boys might be back. You need to button that down firmly.

How long are you planning to stay in the family home?

Really pleased that you are getting used to the weekends - joy, calmness and fun will be breaking back into your life soon.

Just read your thread op.
Well done for being so strong. What an example to set your boys!

How are you @Whatdirection? I hope you and your sons are ok and that your plans are progressing.

Morning KatherineSiena - thanks for checking in 😊

XH has started moving his stuff into his new place at last although doing it in dribs and drabs. The weekend past felt a landmark as it is now 3 months since we separated.

However Sunday evening, he sent me a mother of all emails on the theme of still trying to save our marriage.

In it, he blamed me for not wanting to talk to him leaving him in a state of confusion and trauma. He kept going on about how much he had loved, adored and worshipped me - he returned to the narrative of ' it was just the drink' and even referenced the first night we got together as we were drunk and l had a boyfriend at the time. That felt really low as it was as if he was saying l was no better than him.

The best line was when he said could l really not see past 'two tiny blips in his lifetime of service to me'

It really unsettled me to see his delusional state so laid bare. So full of admiration for his unwavering devotion to me, so condemning of me.

I guess I need to respond on some level. But l know nothing will get through.

The thing is, all he achieves in this, is an ever deepening conviction on my part that my decision was the right one and a massive sense of relief that l am bit by bit untangling my life with him and l no longer have to endure his presence.

Great that he’s moving out and that you’re getting some physical separation at least.

But that pitiful email is something else. It’s all about him isn’t it and no acknowledgement of your hurt or indeed of your feelings. Right back into the Catholic expectation that he’s confessed, you must forgive and absolve. That indeed is a corker of a line and so breathtakingly ignorant. He’s very full of himself isn’t he, even now.

But you’re seeing through him and you can’t unsee it. It’s good it’s strengthened your resolve. Good luck and check in from time to time. 💐

Funny how when he first told you about these events, they represented a 'stain on your marriage' but now that he's absolved himself by unloading all the guilt on to you, they are 'blips'.

However, I don't think you will be able to get through to him that the separation is not about the events, but about the fact he's just not a very good life partner and you're no longer willing to put up with it. (It doesn't sound like he was much cop as a father either).

I would try to avoid getting sucked into specifics in your reply and just say that you feel you have made the right decision and that it's time to start moving on.

Well spotted tribpot - l had forgotten about the 'stain on our marriage' line he trotted out when defending his need to unburden himself.

He is so full of contradictions, bullshit and hypocrisy. It's actually very sad as he has self sabotaged the whole way through this sorry affair.

I think you are right in keeping the response short. But l do still have a need for justice so it's hard to ignore his self congratulatory nonsense.

Sorry I haven't read your full thread OP, but anyone who can write they have given a 'lifetime of service' needs to fall off some kind of self imposed pedestal of martyrdom pretty quickly. I am so glad to read you have found your own space. If it helps at all, my Dad was a total dick at times and I still felt really sorry for him most of the time, I think it's human nature that your sons will have a variety of feelings towards their Dad, especially as he is clearly painting a picture of self sacrifice to them. Good luck with everything.

Who says you have to respond to him?! You are in charge of you, and if, or when, you deign to respond it should be when it suits YOU. You owe him nothing. You will probably never get ‘closure’ or any acknowledgement of how he has made you feel, as he has ‘rewritten history’, you may write him a letter and then decide not to send it, but it’s all up to you!