Husband’s confession of ‘minor’ dalliances

[Whatdirection]

My head is all over the place and l do not know what to do or think.

About four months ago my husband confessed to three ‘minor’ dalliances about 25-27 years ago. They involved him going out, getting very drunk and kissing three different women. The first time was when our oldest son was 3 months old. The other two occasions he cannot place but the last one could possibly have been close to when we got married. His memory is hazy and when pressed for details, he is unable to give much information. Therefore l know l cannot totally trust his version of events and there might be more to these stories.

For some context, l got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and we had only known each other a year when our son was born. We loved each other very much though and were totally committed to each other.

The first two occasions involved him going out with a group of men (one - a stag do) Although l feel sick about it, due to the intense pressure we were under and his relatively young age (he was 25/26) l do feel l can see how it might have happened.

However the third occasion involved him going out with just one other friend, meeting two other women and going back to their flat. He admits going into the woman’s bedroom but insists no more than a kiss happened. I cannot get past this - he has always been a very moral guy so l am staggered that he didn’t learn from the past two mistakes and repeated the same behaviour again.

My husband has said he has felt terrible about these events for years. He has apologised and expressed remorse. However he has also continually minimised his behaviour by blaming it on drink and saying it was not like he had an affair and he never planned any of it and has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’

He said these events have always haunted him and he felt they were a stain on our marriage. He said he didn’t want to die without telling me. He said he hoped as we had a happy marriage l would be able to forgive him. He feels he has been a good husband over the years. It almost feels like he thinks he now has enough ‘credit’ in the bank of our marriage to weather this behaviour.

I do not share such a rosy view of our marriage. He does have good qualities and he can be lovely. But he also can be grumpy, over sensitive , needy, demanding and there have been crunch times where it has felt his needs have triumphed over mine.

I feel l am questioning everything about him and our marriage. I feel so angry and am deeply disappointed in him. His ‘funny little ways’ that l guess we all have now seem intolerable. We have not been physically intimate since and the thought of being so makes me feel sick.

We have started having some marriage counselling. The counsellor thinks he was a bit young and a bit stupid but the drink affected him and he hasn’t done it since. She even used the term ‘mitigating circumstances ‘ to describe the context.

Please help me make some sense of all this. Am l over- reacting, should l cut him more slack? Or should l pay attention to my spidery senses that tell me that something is very wrong here.

'I cheated on you, but it was a long time ago, you should be over it by now and be willing to pick up our intimate life from where we last left it, why not, I don't understand.' Honestly, who is he making you to be the problem here.

While he's away it may be an opportunity for you to start getting any paperwork together and anything of sentimental value to you which you would like to keep and take them with you if you can. It won't hurt to do a little duck rowing now if it will make life a bit easier when the time comes or if you feel he could become difficult if you leave.

He’s just left. The relief is enormous.

You need to think about your finances though OP.

I really would not leave my home - you leave him 'in the driving seat' of your biggest asset. And you take on the expense of renting?!

I really would not do that. I would be looking into divorce and house selling, and I would be keeping myself IN my home to be able to direct that process.

Never hear the end of it?

Well that's the blessing of divorce when you have grown -up children, isn't it? You would absolutely have heard the end of it, because you quite frankly never have to listen to him again. The day that divorce is finalised, you move his number to a PAYG phone for essential communications to do with the children, and you block him everywhere else and you tell him quite cheerfully that you've done so, and you have a peaceful life.

i had to summon all my strength not to tell him that if he fucked off for good all my anger would magically evaporate.

This, along with feeling like you'd rather walk on hot coals than spend the night with him, shows how you're feeling.

Keep reading what you wrote if you're having doubts. You don't have to live like this.

Thanks for all your messages.

I will think very carefully about next steps/renting and will take advice.

Historically l have always handled the money side of things in our relationship. For years he has showed absolutely no interest- never checking statements / no awareness of how much we had in our account / expecting me to pay bills etc. He is a bit more aware now due to mobile banking but not massively so. I could easily access a lump sum of money to cover a 6/12 month rental from one of our accounts.

I also have some money from both my parents when they died. I believe l might have to share this with him if we split. This would really stick in my throat but l am aware due to the length of our marriage this could possibly happen. If l end up using some of this on a rental at least l haven’t had to share it with him:-)

I feel right now my concern is my mental health. I would never have believed l could get so triggered by him. I am concerned that something may really tip me over the edge. So in those terms, l would rather be a bit poorer and keep my sanity.

You need to stay away from him completely. He is dementingly unable to take responsibility or himself or have any empathy at all. He sounds diagnosable quite honestly.

Rent. Get away. Let this be the gift your parents give you. Breathe.

My understanding is that an inheritance from a parent doesn’t enter the financial frame of the marriage unless and until you put in in the family pot. So if it is somewhere else in your name it’s safe - however if you paid off your joint mortgage or did and extension on your home - then it has entered the family pot and can’t be retrieved in divorce settlement - just the asset is shared.

Seems like you have unconsciously been carrying the load here emotionally, financially and practically for decades maybe for your DCs. However they have grown and don’t need you to do this and you can now see and feel what is left when it is just him and you.

It sounds intolerable. No need to live like this. No need to fester and fight for decades. Life is too short - you gave him your best. It’s not enough - you are not compatible.

Don’t get drawn into his emotional web of nonsense - it’s using up your energy, making you become the angry person you don’t want to be, clouding your judgement and trapping you.

Don’t assume that the bumbling dithering fool will be collaborative when it comes to separating - funnily enough their financial acumen springs into action and they seek revenge and punishment in the divorce process. But don’t let this threaten or unsettle you - he’s not above the law - see it coming and get ahead yourself legally.

Take care of yourself emotionally. Lean on your therapists and friends.

Do not leave the family home.

I do not trust him.
All this seems to be playing to his narrative.
You are unreasonable for not forgiving him, you are controlling witholding sex from him, you now have anger isues.
You have been to a councillor, he has, tick.

Where is he for 48 hours, which friend.
He is making you think you are in the driving seat.

Yes get your ducks in a row, but be wary of him, it sounds to me as though he knows exactly what he is doing.
He want's to be the victim.

Sssloou has nailed it completely. You have been carrying the load for years and instead of thanking you he is blaming you.

He will never allow you to be right op.

Morning lovely Mumsnetters - thought l would check in and ask for a handhold.

I have made it to my AirBnB - it is very sweet and the owners have been lovely. I have extended my stay here until mid March to give me breathing space and enough time to look at the rental market.

I left the house on Sunday while H was away. It felt surreal packing stuff up worrying he might come back early. I had a blip as l couldn’t find an important file with financial matters in it. I started to worry that H had taken it with him and got consumed with anger about this. Thankfully my oldest friend talked me down and told me the most important thing was to leave the house safely rather than get involved in a showdown with him about the file. She was right of course so l focused on getting out but then l did send a text asking him about the file. He denied it of course and now l will have no way of really knowing as he will replace it quietly.

Initially not having that file meant l couldn’t access a couple of my savings accounts as things like web user ID’s were stored there. Passwords are safely stored elsewhere so l don’t think H could access the accounts but l couldn’t access them either.

Anyway l have made some calls and now have that information and have been able to login - there has been no activity on them.

I sent H a long email explaining why l had to go citing the sexual pressure from him and other bits. The fact is l had started to feel unsafe being in the house with him just the two of us.

He sent back a typical email full of hope of reconciliation and denial.

Monday l just hunkered down here and didn’t leave the house. Yesterday l managed a (very slow) run and had a counselling session. I felt very weird and strange after my counselling- very unsettled and lost and lonely. The evening felt endless but l ended up going to bed early and reading more of the ‘sulking husband’ thread - this really helped.

We are going to tell the boys at the weekend and are going to email each other tomorrow about a possible ‘script’. Absolutely dreading doing this but l think l will feel a sense of relief once it is done.

I also have no plans at all for the weekend apart from one viewing on a house so feeling a senses of dread there. However l imagine the boys might want more chats after the initial disclosure so think l will prioritise them and just be available to chat whenever.

Re. You inheritance. If your husband has sufficient means to support himself and it's possible to get a fair distribution of the marital assets without accessing your inheritance then it will usually be safe from him.
This is a useful guide to sorting out finances on divorce www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/guide-sorting-out-your-finances-when-you-get-divorced

But well done for getting away. I only saw this thread for the first time today but from the first post it felt like this revelation was like the straw that broke the camel's back.

Well done, you’re being very measured and sensible. I’m sure you will be so when you tell your sons. But make sure your H doesn’t try to control the narrative or get in first. It would be very easy for him to try and portray the wounded party, “she’s left me, I’m devastated etc” so be prepared to counter that. You said he likes to be seen as an upstanding person so I’m sure his image will be important. Just be careful.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4174669-For-those-thinking-of-ending-their-marriages-I-have-this-to-share

Not sure if you caught this thread yesterday - you might find it comforting.

You don’t have to give anyone / everyone details, or get drawn into stuff or even give them edited highlights - if you don’t want to - you can have a vanilla stock phrase “we want different things for the next chapter of our lived / we are not compatible / it will be amicable and straight forward” - but if you want to express your hurt and frustration with a trusted friend / therapist that’s fine too. Just be careful that you don’t fall into the trap of being branded the angry harridan to his Mr Nice. Because he will love that.

I am not surprised that he has taken the file - as I said earlier it’s classic how these financially laid back characters suddenly get back up to speed. With his man-child attitude and bruised ego expect the entitlement to ramp up sharply as he tries to punish you through the financial settlement.

This is where you need to get way ahead of him with legal advice and not engage with him directly as he will be using his usual winy attrition tactics to erode your resolve.

Be careful about the house - it’s often advised not to leave it as he may attempt to frustrate the sale.

Emotionally lean on your friends, therapist etc and physically take care of yourself rest, exercise, yoga etc - almost like training for a marathon - resilience and pace. Build in emotional capacity to be ready for the unexpected.

Also change all of your online passwords especially banking - would even consider alerting the bank?

Thank you everyone- l will have to look at the financial guide later on Middlesexgirl.

Sssloou once again your wise words are invaluable thanks for the link to the other thread.

I am concerned about the house but right now can’t consider being under the same roof just the two of us. Even though he has now promised not to bring up the ‘sex’ issue again, l know he won’t be able to keep to that as he is too needy. When my DS2 comes back from uni for Easter l may consider returning as l will feel safer if he is there. However by that point there would need to be a firm plan in place with an ‘end goal’ in place eg one of us rents somewhere and has a moving in date.

One of the things that l have struggled with is that with some issues he is not obviously being abusive. For example, he is not generally a sulker (prefers to air his feelings immediately ) , he is affectionate and he has never treated me in a contemptuous way. He doesn’t run me down or make me feel rubbish or worthless. If anything he can be very complimentary towards me. If l am honest because l have got so frustrated with him l am more likely to be critical towards him.

However he has been an exhausting person to be married to and l have had to be the adult in the relationship time and time again. My respect for him has been badly eroded. I also think that l have continually reverted to ‘appeasement’ mode and this has averted conflict between us. But at a cost to me.

I don’t feel he sees me as a person in my own right. He sees me as someone to make his life better.

Actually l have just read through my post and l am struck by some contradictions in my writing.

He actually has made me feel rubbish in these 7 months by his continual gaslighting.

It’s weird how subtle his abuse has been.

Does any of the following text ring true? What I think I see in your posts is a covert dynamic going on where he is behaving in a fake way towards you in the surface - the Mr Nice Guy act - the needy, learned helplessness stuff - the emotionally draining behaviour - the leaning on you for everything BUT he suppresses his anger but transfers it to you by overload, overwhelm and covert passive aggressive behaviours which are v hard to see but all accumulate for you to get angry and then because you can’t put your finger on what he did specifically to make you feel angry (because it was hidden in multiple passive aggressive behaviours) you then chastise yourself for getting angry. I think you are looking for a reason to leave but keep blaming yourself. But you don’t need to blame anyone or have a reason - just knowing you are unhappy is enough. As the teenagers say “don’t deep it”

“One of the hardest patterns of behavior for all of us to deal with is passive aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive behavior happens when the person avoids responsibility and attempts to control others to keep them away through his passivity and withdrawal. It is a dynamic born of fear of being controlled, fear of confrontation, hidden anger and an inability to deal straight with people.
Passive aggressive behavior is complex and takes many forms. We all have passive behavior that comes up when we don't want to deal with conflict directly or do a task. We all hedge, fudge and remain noncommittal on issues some of the time. That's normal. It's only when repeated passivity creates severe issues for others setting up continual tension and anger in the household that it becomes a serious problem that should be addressed. Common examples of this habitual, passive retreat style of dealing with confrontation and stress include:
•The person who says one thing but means the opposite.
•The man who acts passive but aggressively gets his own way by not doing what is wanted.
•The person who fears self assertion and confrontation, but says no by sidestepping responsibility.
•Anyone in the family who creatively gets out of doing his or her part of the chores.
•The Mr. Nice Guy who puts on the sweet face to agree, then does what he darn well pleases.
•The parent who refuses to discipline the children and insists on the spouse being the ‘heavy.'
•The person who refuses to hear criticism, discuss his problems or read books about the issue.
•The not ready to be committed man wanting someone there for him but feels entitled to his freedom.
•Any individual who spends his effort into under achieving in school, in relationships and in life!
What all of these people have in common is that the significant people in their life become very, very angry at their resistant behavior. The negative energy in the relationship boomerangs from one partner to the other resulting in an unhappy relationship.
While women can have passive aggressive behavior, this condition is more typically found in men, therefore this article will focus on the typical male version of this dynamic. The typical passive aggressive man has not worked through his anger and power issues with his parents so he replays them in current relationships. His anger comes out in passive way of avoidance.”

Try and use some of your ‘free’ time to make an appointment with a lawyer and find out exactly where you stand if you decide to divorce. You’ll be surprised by how empowering this knowledge will feel. Try and get all important stuff away and into a safe place he cannot access. To not feel safe in your own home, to know he hides stuff from you when you need it and ‘then he’ll return it quietly’... you wouldn’t accept this behaviour from a friend, so why accept it from a husband? I do hope you get some respite from your increasing anxiety and unease soon, it’s a very unpleasant way to feel for any length of time. 💐 It really is time to take back control of your life and put yourself first for a change.

That information is so interesting Sssloou - l am trying to grapple with it to make sense of it - it’s so difficult to pin down what he’s doing but he has been resistant to multiple things that have created much frustration within me.

We ended up having a long phone conversation last night - he sent me a long complex email all focusing on his OCD and how it has created distortions in his thinking. I emailed back focusing on the way forward with telling the boys and stating we could no longer live together. My tone was more certain and final so he struggled with that and he ended up phoning me.

We spoke for well over an hour. It helped that l was in my own safe space - several things struck me - he sounded so rational and convincing - if l hadn’t experienced all the recent behaviour from him l could have been really taken in by it.

However after the call l realised that;

He had dominated the call by talking for far longer than me
He had exaggerated the goodness of the things he had done to help me eg leaving the house to give me space
He had minimised the impact of his actions - ‘Are you really going to end our 27 year relationship for two short kisses all that time ago?’
(By the way he recently has changed ‘his story’ from three women to two women by saying he really couldn’t remember what he did)
He felt we had been getting on better recently and was confused by my ‘sudden’ decision to go
He hoped my therapist was tackling the issues of my childhood trauma with me as this is at the root of my distress
Plus he has been very hurt by my behaviour of leaving the house at the weekend before he got back etc etc

And so on (and on and on)

He is also saying he is thinking of driving up to see the boys on Saturday ( they both live in the same big city 200 miles away) He says he feels very uncomfortable telling them over Zoom tonight. So do I and l have been fully prepared to be there at the end of the phone all weekend.

However l feel if he drives all that way, he is hijacking the situation and casting himself as ‘the one who cares enough’ and making a martyr of himself. I did stress he should only do this if the boys want to see him but l do feel deeply uncomfortable and quite wrong footed about it.

I can’t stop him though and it has given me a taste of what he is going to be like with the boys.

I’m very suspicious of his motives. If I were you I’d insist on a joint call first to the boys, if he then wants to go afterwards then you can’t stop him obviously. At least that way you can temper and steer the initial conversation.

I think if he pulls any stunts with them I’d be pretty candid with your boys. They are old enough to hear the truth if he distorts the narrative.

Thank you Katherine- we are going to do a joint call this evening so the news will be out there. I have emailed a potential script to him.

The thing is l would never jump in the car to see the boys like he is proposing out of respect for him. It would feel like l was ‘jumping ahead’ in an unfair way and excluding him.

By the very fact that he is proposing this means l can’t make the same decision. Of course he is dressing it up as being a support to the boys and being there when they need him He even directed a dig at me by saying we were brought up in different ways and that my parents weren’t supportive towards me so l don’t have that in my DNA. He on the other hand can’t do enough for his children because that was the way he was brought up.

Good, that sounds a better plan. Hopefully they will see him jumping in a car makes it all about him, rather than them (which it would be). He’s expecting them to talk and be talked at when he wants.

I think your gentler approach to your sons of take some time to process and then offer to talk whenever they want might be more appropriate. They might well prefer that.

Good luck later on. I’ll be rooting for you. 💐

They know.

They know him and his winy, self absorbed ways.

They know who has busy a gut and held this family together for decades.

You both already have your reputations earned with your sons.

100% agree that they will see his OTT “mercy dash” as being all about him (also breaking lockdown!) - I suspect he hasn’t asked them if they need him - because guess what - he doesn’t care because he is yet again getting his own needs met.

Just keep tapping into your feelings and your truth - keep dignified, indifferent, detached and distant from him. Focus on moving YOU forward emotionally and practically baby step by baby step - don’t get preoccupied, distracted, derailed by any of his shenanigans - an eye roll will suffice - because that’s what you have done all your life and it is a futile, draining, confusing, exhausting, frustrating wild goose chase.

Once you drop the rope with this character and stop being lured down his rabbit holes - your life will be so much lighter and clearer.

I 100% predict that he will be OLD within days as emotional vampires like this can’t exist without leeching on to someone else.

How dare he gaslight and attempt to emotionally humiliate you saying that you don’t have caring DNA!

What a fkg wkr.

I suspect that he had an OTT engulfing DM who made him the indulged golden child but subconsciously he felt smothered and resentful but was unable to express this to his overbearing parent - so takes it out on you instead.