Husband’s confession of ‘minor’ dalliances

[Whatdirection]

My head is all over the place and l do not know what to do or think.

About four months ago my husband confessed to three ‘minor’ dalliances about 25-27 years ago. They involved him going out, getting very drunk and kissing three different women. The first time was when our oldest son was 3 months old. The other two occasions he cannot place but the last one could possibly have been close to when we got married. His memory is hazy and when pressed for details, he is unable to give much information. Therefore l know l cannot totally trust his version of events and there might be more to these stories.

For some context, l got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and we had only known each other a year when our son was born. We loved each other very much though and were totally committed to each other.

The first two occasions involved him going out with a group of men (one - a stag do) Although l feel sick about it, due to the intense pressure we were under and his relatively young age (he was 25/26) l do feel l can see how it might have happened.

However the third occasion involved him going out with just one other friend, meeting two other women and going back to their flat. He admits going into the woman’s bedroom but insists no more than a kiss happened. I cannot get past this - he has always been a very moral guy so l am staggered that he didn’t learn from the past two mistakes and repeated the same behaviour again.

My husband has said he has felt terrible about these events for years. He has apologised and expressed remorse. However he has also continually minimised his behaviour by blaming it on drink and saying it was not like he had an affair and he never planned any of it and has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’

He said these events have always haunted him and he felt they were a stain on our marriage. He said he didn’t want to die without telling me. He said he hoped as we had a happy marriage l would be able to forgive him. He feels he has been a good husband over the years. It almost feels like he thinks he now has enough ‘credit’ in the bank of our marriage to weather this behaviour.

I do not share such a rosy view of our marriage. He does have good qualities and he can be lovely. But he also can be grumpy, over sensitive , needy, demanding and there have been crunch times where it has felt his needs have triumphed over mine.

I feel l am questioning everything about him and our marriage. I feel so angry and am deeply disappointed in him. His ‘funny little ways’ that l guess we all have now seem intolerable. We have not been physically intimate since and the thought of being so makes me feel sick.

We have started having some marriage counselling. The counsellor thinks he was a bit young and a bit stupid but the drink affected him and he hasn’t done it since. She even used the term ‘mitigating circumstances ‘ to describe the context.

Please help me make some sense of all this. Am l over- reacting, should l cut him more slack? Or should l pay attention to my spidery senses that tell me that something is very wrong here.

He is manipulating and gaslighting you, yet again!
I'd be pre-empting him contacting your sons, by calling them first. Why should he get to dictate the narrative and the timescale?

And no "agreed" script, because you know it won't be agreed, it will be what he dictates and then forces you into agreeing.

New to your thread OP, just read the whole thing. Nothing massively helpful to add, just wanted to add my support and say this; read Sssloou's last post over and over until you know it word for word and it becomes your blueprint to live by. Disengaging from someone like him is incredibly difficult but it's exactly what you have to do, all your focus needs to be on you (and DS's of course but mostly you) and that can't happen until you detach from his chaos

I think I’m married to your H OP— he would react identically

"I don’t feel he sees me as a person in my own right. He sees me as someone to make his life better."

Oh holy heck, OP, I was married to a guy like this and it is soul-killing. He was also an utter champion at the 2-hour-long conversation to "talk me round" about things.

My divorce just went through exactly one month ago and I am FREE!!!

Your life will definitely improve without him but I know it's hard getting there. Just keep going step by step.

I imagine the boys will appreciate having time to process the news. Rushing to comfort them is a pretty obvious tactic on his behalf.

OP,
Great wisdom and insight being given above.

He is a horror.

I suspect you have never truly known him.

He reads as a deeply vain, selfish, self absorbed man, who wouldn't know, nor recognise the truth if it slapped him.

He reads as so deeply untrustworthy.

He also reads as utterly without honor.

Your children know who you both are and remaining calm and dignified will serve you well IMO.

I believe that he is the type that could justify ANY behaviour because he is so completely wrapped up in his "poor, wonderful, misunderstood me" narrative.

I cannot stress how much I would not trust him financially.

You sound so lovely, kind and decent but I would appeal to you to find and channel a deeply suspicious person and protect your finances.

Do not expect decency from him.

Prepare for the worst because he will justify anything he chooses to do.

Move as much as you can out of his hands to safety, preventing him from making things difficult.

Wishing you well.

Hi OP. I hope you're ok. I've just read this whole thread.

I am hopping mad on your behalf about his use of your childhood to discredit you and make you out to be unreasonable.

My sister had this with her horrible partner (who I am hoping she leaves soon). He actually brought up in counselling that 'she is from a broken home. Her parent's break up was NOT amicable, so she doesn't know how to have a normal relationship.'

Twat. Using someone's childhood to paint them in a bad light is horrendous behaviour.

Oh yes! Mine also liked to refer back to (wildly exaggerated) stuff about how bad my childhood/family was to "explain" why I was having problems with our relationship.

You don't have to hate every part of him, you don't have to feel like a fool for having trusted him. People are complex and there may in fact be parts of him that are good. But now you see him clearly enough to draw a line under your relationship and move on to the next phase of your life.

Thank you so much for all your messages- l am really struggling today and it’s starting to feel like countdown to ‘telling the boys’

Something else really weird had happened today. H had a blood test a few weeks ago because he has had an ongoing sore throat and been run down ( blaming me of course because of what ‘we’ are going through.)

Anyway it turns out he has had glandular fever. His symptoms were at their strongest over Christmas but have lingered on.

Now not knowing much about this I have done some research. It is nicknamed the ‘kissing disease’ as it is passed through saliva. This is not the only way it is transmitted though but our hygiene levels at home have been heightened due to COVID so it does seem very odd that he has picked it up.

Needless to say we have not done much kissing since early August.

It is also extremely rare for people past 40 to pick it up.

Is it just me on heightened alert but do l smell a rat?

TBH there’s no way l would confront him but it just all seems rather odd. Like my life the last 7 months.

Anyway l have sent H a script. He has not responded with any input so he will probably not follow it.

Hi op,

I think you will find there are a few things that will seem odd over the coming months, you're eyes are open.
I understand you needed to be away from him which you feel is giving you space and the advantage of a clearer head, but something doesn't sit well with him.
I think he has engineered all this, he knew you would leave, he is now talking of being upset that you left. He is on line for being the victim.

I actually think this was his plan, the confession, you're response and the separation.
Be careful, I personally would have stayed in the home, but not if you don't feel safe.
He is at an advantage in the home. He is free to do whatever he pleases now, and that may not be pining over your departure.

Irt feels like you are fitting in with his story perfectly.
Cue the re writing history, and you're break up with him playing the victim.

Glandular fever - how has he caught that?!

I don't think I could stop myself sending him the NHS link about how GF is contracted.

Out of interest, this is exactly how a close friend of mine got concrete evidence of her ex's extra marital dalliances when he was likewise diagnosed in his 40s.

I agree OP.

He is utterly untrustworthy.

In fact I would not be surprised if he has been unfaithful.

I have never heard of Glandular fever in the 30's.
Definitely late teens to late 20's.

Very strange.

Be suspicious of everything OP.
It will serve you well.

Oh dear, glandular fever is a dead giveaway. Let it strengthen your resolve. Sorry you are going through this, but this is the worst bit. The revelations, and his justifications. Like taking a plaster off very slowly. Soon you will be free.

I'm wishing you well and get plenty of fresh air and good food as all these things help when going through a hard time for you

Well the deed is done, the boys know, both very shocked.

DS1 who has had issues with H over the years was very measured but completely took my side - ‘Mum - you have done nothing wrong’ - and tackled H over some of his points in a very calm rational way - l was so proud of him. We had another chat later on and he went into more detail about some of the upsets he has had with H over the years (some l had forgotten about) and how he had felt controlled and that any discussions just went round and round in circles. He said he had an inkling that our marriage wasn’t all that great. However l must be really careful not to over confide in him just because we have experienced the same behaviour - it wouldn’t be fair.

DS2 went very quiet, and l think didn’t quite get why l had taken such drastic action. Being the age where he regularly gets drunk and does stupid things he had some compassion for H. He left the meeting early saying he had heard enough. However he phoned me back late at night sobbing his heart out saying ‘ we were the best two people in the world’ and he couldn’t bear to think of us being all alone living separately and going through this. I am really quite concerned for him as he has had such a lonely crap student year and in his words, the only happy space he has is coming home to us. And now that is gone. I reassured him like mad but he is vulnerable and H might get in there and manipulate him like mad.

I think H knows that his relationship is not great with DS1 so will really put everything into DS2. I feel already he overindulges him. H throughout the entire meeting was very contrite and almost self flagellating in manner. I think this was to get maximum sympathy so the boys would wonder why l wouldn’t forgive him.

I looked at a rental this morning - it’s semi interesting and got potential but l need to think very carefully about my next move. It’s quite tempting to find something quickly, move in within the month and get on with my life. However l do realise l am leaving H in charge of our most valuable asset.

The more l think about his glandular fever, the more suspicious l get.

OP,

Reading that, it screams how manipulative your ex is.
He really just can't help himself.

DS2 is upset for himself.
Children, even late teens onwards, often don't see their parents as individuals, just things that should lie in wait to be contacted for something.

I mean that kindly.

I have heard things over the years of children long gone from home, and being appalled when their parents decide to do things like, move house, downsize, move elsewhere, separate, go back to study etc.

His upset is for himself, but that is ok.

Hopefully DS1 can keep an eye out for him regarding his father.

Ultimately though you will just have to hope for the best.

I think you need to be alert with your assets and the house.
Legal advice is crucial.
Getting some valuations on the property.
Proactive is key, combined with being very suspicious at all times.
Reach out for support IRL too.

I think his real character will reveal itself during the next period and I would not be surprised if he meets someone surprisingly quickly.
He might try and conceal that though as that doesn't fit very well with his victimhood narrative!🙄

Mind yourself

That’s a tough milestone you have passed by telling the boys. Not something anyone wants to do. You will be drained and worried after that so take it easy.

I see that you can now see the manipulation right in front of your eyes. I would subtly tip off your youngest - he doesn’t need to get swept into something unwittingly.

The boys will be fine in their own time - you and DH are 7 months ahead of them. They will adapt. If you keep it civil and dignified they will fare better.

Be v careful with the house and your money. Don’t give him any opportunities to derail and disrupt - because that’s exactly what he will do.

Well done, I’m sure it was difficult but you have got through it. Clearly you are alert to your husband’s propensity for manipulation but it sounds as if your eldest also has his measure too. I’m sure your sons will talk together and maybe your eldest might help his brother. You don’t need to over confide in them but by being open and receptive to their concerns you can support them.

Do you need to give a quick answer on the rental? If the Airbnb/hosts are nice can you maybe extend your stay there to buy a bit more time?

I know glandular fever is called the kissing disease but that means nothing really.
I got it at 13, had never kissed a boy, and no one else I knew in school had had it. So it can be got anywhere, just one of those things.

Thanks everyone:-) Unfortunately l can't extend my time here beyond 2 more weeks as they have a long term booking coming in. I have asked H for the house for 2 weeks after my time here - that will take us nearly to the end of March.

He emailed me today saying he had been for a bike ride today with a friend who he confided in. Apparently the friend's first marriage broke down because of his wife's infidelity and he told H how that felt.

H said ' something deep' connected within him and now he really understands my hurt!

I will put money on it that he won't want to go to his Mum's for two weeks and will get awkward about next steps. Thankfully the boys think it's unfair l have had to move out so some pressure from them will help.

My mind is a bit blown right now and l can't seem to think about the next step. But l have had quite a nice day pottering around:-)

It's a bit insulting that despite explaining your feelings and going to counselling that he's only taken on board the hurt caused because his friend has explained it. Shame he didn't have that little epiphany earlier. He sounds unbelievable self centred. Sorry you're going through this.

If he has had glandular fever at any time in the past, it can reactivate in times of stress.

Well doesn't he sound upset after you,ve left the marital home?

A lovely bike ride, sounds devastated !

He's turning to his peers and talking about divorce, thats always a bad sign, he sounds like he's after his freedom.
He only understands your hurt because it is enabling him to keep separated from you to make his mind up.

God he's controlling the narrative.... the understanding victim.
This isn't about 20 years ago.
He's up to something now.
I wouldn't believe a word he says myself.

I also think he will be ok about going to his mothers, where he can continue to pretend he is single.
He think's he's a clever one.

Why has he been e mailing you instead of texts, a very 'understanding' email, I wonder if he's saving them for something?