Husband’s confession of ‘minor’ dalliances

[Whatdirection]

My head is all over the place and l do not know what to do or think.

About four months ago my husband confessed to three ‘minor’ dalliances about 25-27 years ago. They involved him going out, getting very drunk and kissing three different women. The first time was when our oldest son was 3 months old. The other two occasions he cannot place but the last one could possibly have been close to when we got married. His memory is hazy and when pressed for details, he is unable to give much information. Therefore l know l cannot totally trust his version of events and there might be more to these stories.

For some context, l got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and we had only known each other a year when our son was born. We loved each other very much though and were totally committed to each other.

The first two occasions involved him going out with a group of men (one - a stag do) Although l feel sick about it, due to the intense pressure we were under and his relatively young age (he was 25/26) l do feel l can see how it might have happened.

However the third occasion involved him going out with just one other friend, meeting two other women and going back to their flat. He admits going into the woman’s bedroom but insists no more than a kiss happened. I cannot get past this - he has always been a very moral guy so l am staggered that he didn’t learn from the past two mistakes and repeated the same behaviour again.

My husband has said he has felt terrible about these events for years. He has apologised and expressed remorse. However he has also continually minimised his behaviour by blaming it on drink and saying it was not like he had an affair and he never planned any of it and has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’

He said these events have always haunted him and he felt they were a stain on our marriage. He said he didn’t want to die without telling me. He said he hoped as we had a happy marriage l would be able to forgive him. He feels he has been a good husband over the years. It almost feels like he thinks he now has enough ‘credit’ in the bank of our marriage to weather this behaviour.

I do not share such a rosy view of our marriage. He does have good qualities and he can be lovely. But he also can be grumpy, over sensitive , needy, demanding and there have been crunch times where it has felt his needs have triumphed over mine.

I feel l am questioning everything about him and our marriage. I feel so angry and am deeply disappointed in him. His ‘funny little ways’ that l guess we all have now seem intolerable. We have not been physically intimate since and the thought of being so makes me feel sick.

We have started having some marriage counselling. The counsellor thinks he was a bit young and a bit stupid but the drink affected him and he hasn’t done it since. She even used the term ‘mitigating circumstances ‘ to describe the context.

Please help me make some sense of all this. Am l over- reacting, should l cut him more slack? Or should l pay attention to my spidery senses that tell me that something is very wrong here.

💐 for you! Hope you have a relaxing weekend ready for school, hard work I know!
You sound more together, clearer in what you want and more ‘sorted’. Once you’ve got the ball rolling with your solicitor and get things even more clear and organised, life will feel even better - but beware the stbx, he’s a slippery eel! Good luck with your precious life - be it wild or calm!

Hi op - so glad to read your latest post and see that you are slowly but surely moving forwards.

I know this sounds a bit naff, but when I was going through separation and divorce the saying "You are stronger than you think, braver than you believe" really helped me to keep going.

I’m glad you have come to an agreement about the house and getting back your own rental property.

You are quite right on the need to focus on your own well being. You sound so measured and calm. I’m sure his revelations and dealing with your sons has been devastating but you have demonstrated such care, consideration and common sense that I’m sure you will come out the other side stronger. You can then resume and recapture your “one precious life”.

All strength to you OP. I remember that calmness once the decision is made. That moment of thinking, "no more - this isn't good enough for me".

Be very very gentle with yourself. That should be your priority every day from here on in. Giving yourself the care that you deserve, and being the one person you can truly rely on.

It is clear to your words that you are moving forward with calm determination.

Good for you.

Sounds like you have done a lot of reflection on the early part of your marriage and how you made significant emotional sacrifices and compromises whilst he did not and which explains why his historic “minor dalliances” have uncovered your core feelings.

You seem to have a practical arrangement in place going forward for the next few months regarding housing which hopefully will work for you just be watchful of under the radar passive aggressive disruptive stuff he might pull - and expect him to start “dating” soon .... where will he be in his 2 weeks away ... because you don’t want his dating taking place in the family home.

H

I could not forgive this at all, he lied to you for 25-27 years then dumped this on you! No way, my mind would constantly be wondering what else he had been hiding.

How's it going, op? How are your dc?

How are you op? I've often wondered how you are getting on.

Morning Everyone - thanks for checking in:-)

I’m not doing too badly but the last week has felt very challenging and things have been getting on top of me.

I’ve been back in the house for nearly three weeks but due to move to another AirBnB from tomorrow for a fortnight.

H was due to spend his three weeks away from the house at his friends who lives in another city - however he started ‘struggling’ and came back early to stay at his Mums. We share a car and due to the permit situation in our city he kept leaving the car bang outside the house. From the moment he came back l felt he was lurking. One minute the car would be there, then gone. I resorted to pulling the blinds down in the living room as l didn’t want to look up and see him outside. He would communicate he would be using the car and then would not use it so l ended up on tenterhooks wondering when he would be picking it up.

He also phoned me on spec and stupidly l answered. He started going on about wanting to properly chat and to know where he had gone wrong. I caved in and started to explain some issues that had upset me. As per usual, he responded by going into denial by not remembering so l would have to explain in detail all over again, then he ignored the main part of my hurt and zoned in on a weak spot and a minor detail in order to derail the conversation. I got inflamed very quickly and completely lost it - l ranted and raved at him and he had to put the phone down on me. In between my rants he said our marriage had failed because of my anger and lack of compassion!

I felt incredibly upset for days after this exchange and have vowed never to answer the phone to him again. I have felt panicky, had a raised heart beat and generally been exhausted. I am actually looking forward to going to my AirBnB because he won’t know where l am.

He’s also been attempting to change the goalposts on our fortnight on/fortnight off arrangement by saying it’s too long and he wants to do a week on/week off. I hate this idea but have compromised and said we can try this for the month of May but April needs to stay the same.

I am hoping and praying our tenants will have found somewhere by then - they are being proactive and looking.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and reading about covert controlling behaviour and l think it is really hitting me how bad his behaviour has been. I wrote out a list of the main types of this behaviour eg denying/lying/avoidance/blaming/shaming/guilting/intimidation/
playing the victim and could think of many examples where he had behaved in this way. I think l have found it so shocking because it is so under the radar and for years l felt the reason l was unhappy (in a way that l couldn’t put my finger on) was because of me, that because l came from a damaged background so l would always find marriage difficult and how could it be him when he was loving and attentive and didn’t display any overt abusive behaviours.

I can now see how my damaged boundaries allowed him to get away with so much but also because it was so concealed on his part.

I think it’s going to take a long time for me to properly heal from this and to be in a position of attempting a real relationship again.

Hi OP, it sounds like he is still pushing your boundaries. Informal, agreed arrangements seem v unlikely to work with someone behaving as he is. (Eg his seeking the ‘one week on/off’ thing already)

Would seek legal advice asap about sorting finance, housing etc formally. So you can move forward.

Why not give the tenants (reasonable) formal notice? So you have certainty on that.

He sounds like he’s trying to destabilise you and whilst that phone conversation upset you, it has shown you not to instantly respond like that. I said previously I admired your measured and thoughtful approach and I think your reflective reading will help. Hopefully as the PP says you can start to move on practically and financially, being in your rental will help. That will then start to get some proper separation between you. I don’t think I’d like a week on/off either, it’s all too nomadic.

How are your sons? I hope you’ve been speaking to them regularly too and they are not being too hoodwinked by your ex.

Thanks Dozer,

We have given the tenants formal notice but under the Coronavirus Act they officially have 6 months to leave. They are aware of our situation so have said they will be proactive but legally it won’t be until September that we can reclaim the house.

I have already had some legal advice but decided not to go with the firm. I have found another firm who look good and have an appointment booked in, for week after next. They are incredibly busy atm. I do want to push ahead with getting things sorted financially on a more permanent legal level but struggle with dealing with too much at any one moment.

It’s disappointing but not surprising that H has ramped up his behaviour recently. It feels like we make a bit of progress and he behaves reasonably for then for him to backtrack and be difficult all under the banner of ‘struggling to process all the changes’ and suffering poor mental health.

Thanks Katherine - my sons are ok.

My oldest has been completely amazing, totally gets the situation and dispairs at H’s behaviour. I have been so impressed by his clarity and wisdom.

My youngest is more of a mixed bag and doesn’t really ‘get it’. Personally he has had a bad year and is a bit all over the place so that doesn’t help. I have spent time talking things through with him and he has acknowledged that H is a terrible listener and referred to him having some sort of ‘learning difficulty’ regarding understanding and processing information. I think he sees that it has been really difficult to communicate with H and understands that.

In between my rants he said our marriage had failed because of my anger and lack of compassion!

Gosh yes it's totally your fault for not being nice enough to the man telling you he cheated multiple times...

Your sons sound great, that’s a big testament to you. I’m sure they’ll be sad but it seems as if they have a good understanding of your ex’s shortcomings. I would imagine they will talk together and you may find your elder son’s clarity helps guide your younger one. I think you are handling them very well.

He’s highly manipulative - even being nice is a part of the process to give you a false sense of security so that he can get close enough to punish you.

He is goading you in EVERYTHING he does. Know this.

His aim is to calmly provoke you into anger and rage - so that you look like the crazy loon and he can point the finger at you.

He is fucking with the arrangements to disrupt and destabilise you.

He is not your friend. Lawyer up. You will need it because he will do everything in this process to manipulate, derail and punish you.

Thanks Sssloou - l am slowly realizing how manipulative he has been and of course he will continue to be. I feel l have been ‘very late to the party ‘ in cottoning onto to this and really seeing it clearly.

This week is feeling a struggle. All quiet on the H front as he is back in the house and full access to DS2 for company.

I am in another AirBNB and it’s not that great - the photos made it look much nicer than it actually is - it’s a bit tired and l don’t feel right here.
There are a few redeeming things about it - there is a little sunny garden and l feel secure here as H doesn’t know where l am. l am here for another 12 days until back home for a fortnight.

The week is stretching ahead of me a bit and l don’t have many plans apart from one meet up with a friend. I have felt very untethered recently - it’s now over 6 weeks since l left and recently l feel l have gone a bit backwards. I have missed company and having someone to tell little things to.

I know that our relationship has completely broken down and l could never be happy with him again. However l sometimes find myself thinking back to a year ago and do find myself asking the question- if I could wave a magic wand and wish everything away - would l?

But l know that’s not possible - our relationship changed the moment he confessed - l have realised he is not the man l thought he was all those years and actually he never was. Moving forward he can never be who l need him to be.

I was talking to DS1 about H’s religious beliefs and attitudes to sin. He said something quite revealing. He said H had said to him that over the first lockdown he became preoccupied with death ( and his in particular) and facing God. The Catholic belief is such that if you haven’t attoned for your sins then you either go to Hell or Purgatory. It seems that H felt compelled to confess to me as a way to clear the path for him being allowed into heaven.

Goodness knows how he can square it with himself the way he has behaved since the confessions but because l have not forgiven him l guess in his eyes l now get the blame.

Why did he feel the need tell you now?

@SweetToffee

Why did he feel the need tell you now?

I thought OP's most recent post seemed to get to the readon why. Makes sense to me. Lots of my family have been getting their wills in order etc since last March so people really have been thinking about their own mortality, IME.

Also Catholic’s make a distinction between deliberately choosing a sinful path or doing something accidentally. The second path carries far less weight in the world of Catholic sin. I am wondering if H’s continued minimising and blaming everything on drink etc is his way to ‘lessen’ the sin and therefore he will not be judged so harshly by God.

I have often wondered why he was so resistant to taking proper responsibility for his actions.

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/7-ways-to-detox-the-narcissist-from-your-mind-body-and-soul/

Have a read of the attached - its pretty hyperbolic but if you can grasp the sentiment it might help. I am not saying that he has Narc traits - but this piece talks about getting the balance right and looking inwards at healing yourself rather than looking outwards and ruminating on the other as the best way to move in with life.

It is important to process and reflect and there is often a whole array of mixed feelings of regret, sadness, anger, hurt, looking again at happy times through a different lens.

But it’s the feeling now that’s important. Of course there is a gap - but in time you will fill it with more fulfilling, mutual and respectful relationships.

Watch out for him manipulating your youngest. Don’t try to discuss this with him as this is too much of an emotional burden but be a role model in dignity, calmness, lightness, compassion and positivity. Be the opposite of the angry, punishing, crazy bitch that your STBXH is trying to paint you as. Provide no evidence (in fact demonstrate the opposite) for this characterisation.

Keep it neutral - “we are not compatible and it will be much better for us both to explore and enjoy this next new chapter of freedom and emotional growth in our lives”

Ah so much of his behaviour makes sense now you have said he is Catholic (& you?). I was brought up in the faith and the issue of sin, forgiveness and atonement are at its core. Interestingly he doesn’t seem to regard his own manipulation and self-deceit as a sin. It’s a strange thing to confess to you to atone for his sins and pass the baton to get forgiveness from you whist still manipulating and massaging the truth. I have seen many Catholics outwardly do the right thing yet in reality they often cover up some nasty behaviours.

In my childhood there was a core of very nasty older women who religiously attended mass but they were some of the most unpleasant and spiteful people I’ve ever met which even as a child I recognised. They seemed to believe turning up to weekly mass (having arranged the flowers) and the occasional trip to confession absolved them of their daily nasty behaviour.

Thanks for the article Sssloou - much of it resonated with me. The following paragraph so sums up my feelings;

'What does “letting go” really mean? It means recognising that this person is destroying you and can’t stay in your life so you need to detach.

Letting go is a powerful act of loving yourself.

It’s difficult because everything within you is screaming at you not to do this. You want justice. You want recognition. You want this person to get it. You want to hold this person accountable. You want them to pay for the damage that they have done to you.'

I found the article painful to read and got quite tearful. I REALLY want to find a way of detaching so he can't whip me up into a fury. The article seems to suggest that I can learn from this and identify my 'weak' points and by paying attention to them, can invest in myself and get stronger. Not sure how I can do this but it has given me much food for thought.

Yes Katherine - I think so much does make sense reflecting on the Catholic belief system. I am not Catholic but was brought up in a Christian household. H insisted the boys were baptised as Catholics and attended Catholic schools. They both have now rejected the faith and couldn't be more critical of it now - they see it as very hypocritical.

I realise that obsessing about his behaviour and his motivations are for the most part a waste of energy. However I have always struggled to understand the 'why' of his confessions and felt that I was looking at a jigsaw with many important bits missing. I don't discount the theory that he is doing something more in the present but the 'sin' theory makes sense to me in a way that nothing else has.