My head is all over the place and l do not know what to do or think.
About four months ago my husband confessed to three ‘minor’ dalliances about 25-27 years ago. They involved him going out, getting very drunk and kissing three different women. The first time was when our oldest son was 3 months old. The other two occasions he cannot place but the last one could possibly have been close to when we got married. His memory is hazy and when pressed for details, he is unable to give much information. Therefore l know l cannot totally trust his version of events and there might be more to these stories.
For some context, l got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and we had only known each other a year when our son was born. We loved each other very much though and were totally committed to each other.
The first two occasions involved him going out with a group of men (one - a stag do) Although l feel sick about it, due to the intense pressure we were under and his relatively young age (he was 25/26) l do feel l can see how it might have happened.
However the third occasion involved him going out with just one other friend, meeting two other women and going back to their flat. He admits going into the woman’s bedroom but insists no more than a kiss happened. I cannot get past this - he has always been a very moral guy so l am staggered that he didn’t learn from the past two mistakes and repeated the same behaviour again.
My husband has said he has felt terrible about these events for years. He has apologised and expressed remorse. However he has also continually minimised his behaviour by blaming it on drink and saying it was not like he had an affair and he never planned any of it and has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’
He said these events have always haunted him and he felt they were a stain on our marriage. He said he didn’t want to die without telling me. He said he hoped as we had a happy marriage l would be able to forgive him. He feels he has been a good husband over the years. It almost feels like he thinks he now has enough ‘credit’ in the bank of our marriage to weather this behaviour.
I do not share such a rosy view of our marriage. He does have good qualities and he can be lovely. But he also can be grumpy, over sensitive , needy, demanding and there have been crunch times where it has felt his needs have triumphed over mine.
I feel l am questioning everything about him and our marriage. I feel so angry and am deeply disappointed in him. His ‘funny little ways’ that l guess we all have now seem intolerable. We have not been physically intimate since and the thought of being so makes me feel sick.
We have started having some marriage counselling. The counsellor thinks he was a bit young and a bit stupid but the drink affected him and he hasn’t done it since. She even used the term ‘mitigating circumstances ‘ to describe the context.
Please help me make some sense of all this. Am l over- reacting, should l cut him more slack? Or should l pay attention to my spidery senses that tell me that something is very wrong here.