Husband’s confession of ‘minor’ dalliances

[Whatdirection]

My head is all over the place and l do not know what to do or think.

About four months ago my husband confessed to three ‘minor’ dalliances about 25-27 years ago. They involved him going out, getting very drunk and kissing three different women. The first time was when our oldest son was 3 months old. The other two occasions he cannot place but the last one could possibly have been close to when we got married. His memory is hazy and when pressed for details, he is unable to give much information. Therefore l know l cannot totally trust his version of events and there might be more to these stories.

For some context, l got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and we had only known each other a year when our son was born. We loved each other very much though and were totally committed to each other.

The first two occasions involved him going out with a group of men (one - a stag do) Although l feel sick about it, due to the intense pressure we were under and his relatively young age (he was 25/26) l do feel l can see how it might have happened.

However the third occasion involved him going out with just one other friend, meeting two other women and going back to their flat. He admits going into the woman’s bedroom but insists no more than a kiss happened. I cannot get past this - he has always been a very moral guy so l am staggered that he didn’t learn from the past two mistakes and repeated the same behaviour again.

My husband has said he has felt terrible about these events for years. He has apologised and expressed remorse. However he has also continually minimised his behaviour by blaming it on drink and saying it was not like he had an affair and he never planned any of it and has repeatedly said ‘ l am not like that’

He said these events have always haunted him and he felt they were a stain on our marriage. He said he didn’t want to die without telling me. He said he hoped as we had a happy marriage l would be able to forgive him. He feels he has been a good husband over the years. It almost feels like he thinks he now has enough ‘credit’ in the bank of our marriage to weather this behaviour.

I do not share such a rosy view of our marriage. He does have good qualities and he can be lovely. But he also can be grumpy, over sensitive , needy, demanding and there have been crunch times where it has felt his needs have triumphed over mine.

I feel l am questioning everything about him and our marriage. I feel so angry and am deeply disappointed in him. His ‘funny little ways’ that l guess we all have now seem intolerable. We have not been physically intimate since and the thought of being so makes me feel sick.

We have started having some marriage counselling. The counsellor thinks he was a bit young and a bit stupid but the drink affected him and he hasn’t done it since. She even used the term ‘mitigating circumstances ‘ to describe the context.

Please help me make some sense of all this. Am l over- reacting, should l cut him more slack? Or should l pay attention to my spidery senses that tell me that something is very wrong here.

Thank you everyone - l really feel l need people to tell me that the way he is is not on. I know l am far from perfect but he really has been nigh on impossible to discuss anything with.

I am going to disengage with the weekly chats - l have had enough - nothing changes- l always feel worse after them.

The only thing that seems to work is if l speak very calmly, gently and slowly to him. He can’t seem to bear any sort of accusations or ‘tone’ in my voice.

I have got very angry with him in the past - it feels a bit as if l am not allowed to do that anymore. Not that l want to but he is so frustrating and insufferable in his manner l have to summon all my inner strength not to react to him. I don’t always succeed and that’s when things really go downhill.

I have read 2 of the threads from the sulking husband threads. I have found it very uncomfortable reading and recognise some of the traits all too well.

op, he will do this you now have no voice, he is closing you down.

Forget trying to talk, I would start trying to regain a little power and that means getting one step ahead of him.

Good advice seeing a solicitor, get ducks in a row, tell him nothing.
Play along with his stupid narrative at the moment and do some investigating.

Something is amiss and he's not telling you the whole story.
I'm fuming for you, I'm sorry but this triggers my anger.
He thinks he's clever, watch his financial dealings, as I said before I think he has a plan.

Read the cheater's script, see if anything resonates.
Keep posting, wise ladies here can pre- empt his every move.
x

He can't seem to bear any 'accusations' or tone in my voice.
Well tough fucking shit to him!

This sounds awful. It's ok to want out. You don't HAVE to stay to make things work.
Look at how you're modifying your behaviour - even your voice - for him. He sounds insufferable, sanctimonious - and dangerous too. He will grind you down. Please listen to what everyone says. I know it's hard, but there's no good ending for you as a couple. It's just how much of you he destroys whilst taking you down with him.

@Candleabra

This sounds awful. It's ok to want out. You don't HAVE to stay to make things work. Look at how you're modifying your behaviour - even your voice - for him. He sounds insufferable, sanctimonious - and dangerous too. He will grind you down. Please listen to what everyone says. I know it's hard, but there's no good ending for you as a couple. It's just how much of you he destroys whilst taking you down with him.

spot on 🌺

He can’t seem to bear any sort of accusations or ‘tone’ in my voice.

This is a control tactic. He is gagging and silencing you - your are unable to express your emotions, feelings or opinions.

Emotionally detach in your own head to protect yourself.

Try “indifference” and as PP says - get busy researching all of your legal, financial options - you don’t have to press the button. Get prepared and then see how you feel.

I will say one thing— he’s one cheeky f**er — he lays all this on you and then starts with the ‘we’ and ‘us’ — you have absolutely no obligation to forgive or forget or move on— indeed you could have told him to piss off the minute he unburdened himself - and many women would have done so— do not have weekly ‘chats’ — let him stew and I agree with your plan - be pleasant, be busy and see how it goes whilst keeping your antenna up and being prepared for an exit stage left- either yours or his

My H by the way at one point couldn’t bear any ‘negative tone ‘ in my voice if he felt after finding out he had been a bit of a shit I was not being my usual warm bubbly self. I seriously think they want you to love them so much that you will overlook any old shit— in my case- wrong woman.

I had a really good session with my counsellor yesterday.

I think l may have had a break through moment. My thoughts and feeling have been very muddled as l have spent a lot of time trying to analyse just ‘how bad is it?’ focusing on the actual events all those years ago and also getting extremely frustrated with his default position of blaming external factors/his mental health/his immaturity and so on.

This has become a rabbit hole and essentially no clarity has ever been achieved as his story has shifted and we just go round and round in circles.

My lightbulb moment has been l have been spending too much energy on the wrong things. That’s not to say these aren’t important but l will never get anywhere with them.

The simple fact is the worse betrayal of all is his 25 year old deception. His decision to hide it away, not to tell me. His decision. That he made week after week, month after month, year after year.

He cannot excuse or explain that away through mental health or inability to handle his drink.

He took my power away from me. He silenced me when l didn’t even know l was being silenced. He took away my choice to decide.

I remained in a relationship believing something to be true when it wasn’t. For over twenty five years.

This is the real betrayal. This is what has destroyed the trust.

This has become a rabbit hole and essentially no clarity has ever been achieved as his story has shifted and we just go round and round in circles.

That was / is his intentional plan. It’s all obfuscation, smoke, mirrors and slippery distraction.

You are correct - it’s a futile wild goose chase that he set up and you didn’t know you were on - but he does/did. He has the power and control. The content is irrelevant it’s his behaviours that are highly manipulative.

Sit with that revelation for a while. Tap into how you feel about that - and then drop the rope - you can emotionally detach and not play his games. Stepping back and stepping up allows you to see the bigger picture and what’s been going on repeatedly.

Whether he cheated or not his emotionally manipulative behaviour seems intolerable.

Seems like he enjoys or gets a kick out of goading and provoking your emotions and anger - passive aggressively.

Thank you Sssloou - you are very perceptive and wise:-)

Your words ‘highly manipulative’ really struck a chord with me. A friend a while ago described his behaviour as manipulative and l just couldn’t see it.

I feel very clear today and strong.

I just read all of your posts. I really feel for you. The one thing that jumped out at me, is how much longer can this angst and hand wringing go on, before you just start to feel bored by it (and him)?

I've been in a very similar position, in my first marriage. We were together for 20 years, and like your DH, he had lots of situations, that he would describe as "minor dalliances". It's fine to say, isn't it, for them, when they are the one's deciding how to label it, and we are the saps who were sitting at home with the kids, totally unaware.

I found out about it when one of his mates told me. He had to admit it. I was gutted. He also blamed it on drink, but carried on going out and drinking anyway). I stayed for 4 years afterwards, doing much of what you are doing now (endless wondering why etc). Then one night, I was in a nightclub with friends and got chatting to a very handsome French man, who suddenly just kissed me. It was a light bulb moment for me. It made me suddenly realise that life was short, there were millions of men out there, and that I was totally fed up of living like I was and of investing all of my emotions in to a man that didn't deserve it. I left shortly afterwards, and honestly I have never looked back.

I'm married to someone else now, who knows there will be no second chances if he ever betrays my trust. I'd rather be alone than put up with that shenanigans.

I think you should have a think about what life might look like without him. Can you afford it? Where would you live? Would you like to have you own place, where you can lock the door and the space inside is just yours. Date again in good time, if you want to.

You can only go on like this for so long, before you get over saturated by it and bored.

I think often we stay, because when you're together for a very long time, the thought of leaving is scary.

I love this saying though, and I repeated it to myself constantly when I was leaving my first H :

"The Ship is safe in the Harbour, but that's not what Ships are for"

I was the Ship.

And...if you think about it, you may be financially safe by staying with him, but emotionally you're not really, because all of this is making you feel shit and he's trampling all over your boundaries and fucking with your head as well, with all of this "I can't quite remember" bullshit. Can't remember my arse!

feel very clear today and strong

Hang on to that feeling.

It’s a huge relief and also shifts the power back to you once you “drop the rope” and don’t react to their games.

Some people see it as a tug of war that you choose now not to be in. In my case where the slippery stuff was tricky and nuanced - I envisioned that I was stuck in a complex game of double Dutch skipping that kept changing direction until I got exhausted and confused jumping through random hoops. I realised that the other person was taking pleasure subtlety tormenting me and seeing me emotionally escalate. I then stepped out of this skipping game controlled by someone else and changed the dynamic by putting in indifference - was amusing to watch them then up the ante with zero response from me.

Hi op, hope you are doing ok .

Thanks Onthedunes for checking in with me.
I do have a bit of an update to give and will do that later.
But yes l am still here, the scales have well and truly fallen from my eyes.

Look what do you want to happen now as it appears most people think it's an indicator if something bigger . I personally would forget about it . Yes ican say it that nonchalantly as it happened to me . Same scenario got pregnant really quickly he stayed because he wanted to do the right thing blah blah . This happened 25 years ago . I'd be more cross that he wanted to unburden himself of the guilt

Hugs xxxx

Hope you are ok op.

So l have no comeback

You most certainly do. “Fuck off” seems to the best fit.

Thanks Anyfucker that's exactly what l said to him yesterday! Great minds and all that.

I'm very much hoping for 48 hours peace from tomorrow as the plan is he goes to see his friend to give us both some space.

So to try and condense things so l don’t write a 30 page saga.

I have been feeling a lot clearer about things recently and know in my heart now it’s not if but when.

Up until the last few days things hadn’t been too bad in the house as my youngest son has been home and has been a bit of an unknowing buffer (plus he makes me laugh) However last weekend he went back to uni to complete a project and l felt so desolate and worried about the week ahead. We both had some time off and l was dreading the fact that it was just going to be the two of us and H would want to go over things a lot.

And that’s exactly what happened. He’s really missing intimacy so that kept coming up. I told him that this was putting pressure on me but he still kept wanting conversations about it. Wanting timelines etc.

I have realised that we have two completely different narratives in our heads about what’s going on. He keeps repeating a phrase that ‘this is not the sum of us’ ‘this is not the sum of him’. He seems to feel we have a good marriage that has loads going for it and life is short so why can’t we just put this behind us.

On Weds we had an awful row in the car when returning from a walk. He kept prodding me about going away with him for a night/holiday when restrictions loosen. I kept saying l wasn’t ready to think about that. In my heart l was thinking l would rather walk on hot coals than go away anywhere with him again. He wouldn’t leave me be and wanted to know why. I said because of our ongoing marriage crisis. He said ‘what marriage crisis?’ And then said ‘it’s not as if we are going to split up -is it?

I’m afraid l lost it at that point. I told him there was a distinct possibility we were going to split up, he said l had never said anything like that before (l had but not so forcefully) l can’t really remember what was said after that but l did mention the times he had brought up sex over the last few days. To this he said ‘ l have only brought it up once and then only briefly’ When l reminded him of the other times, he did manage to remember but then we had transgressed into our past sex life and how he thought l had been controlling over it ( because l didn’t want it as much as him) At this point l yelled ‘Fuck off’ possibly several times and he did tell me to F off as well.

We were back at the house by now and carried on inside for a bit. I went upstairs for a bit but later on we had another conversation where yet again nothing was achieved apart from him feeling sorry for himself. He now feels l have an anger management problem. He even said to me ‘what needs to happen for me to get past my anger’ and l had been angry for a long time and it wasn’t good for me. I had to summon all my strength not to tell him that if he fucked off for good all my anger would magically evaporate.

Anyway he has decided he is going to a friends for 48 hours from today. Meanwhile l have booked an AirBnB from Sunday for 8 nights to give me some proper breathing space and l am going to start looking at renting somewhere. I haven’t actually told him this last bit as l just want him to go to his friends today with no more difficult conversations.

I don’t want to leave my home but l need to be somewhere where l feel safe and in control. If he left l don’t think l would ever hear the last of it.

Thank you for the update and I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult.

I think you have got to the stage where what he did or didn't do doesn't really matter so much; what matters is that this has become impossible to live with.

You are doing the right thing by giving yourself a break from him; when you are away think carefully about whether you want to stay in a relationship like this. I am finding it quite oppressive and difficult to read about - I can't imagine what it must be like to live it! Don't continue until it starts to affect your mental health.

(Just to add; the fact that he is complaining about not having enough sex with all that is going on in your marriage is almost unbelievable...! Does he have absolutely no empathy or awareness...?!)

He is a mindfucker and it appears he enjoys it and gets pleasure out of finding new labels to plaster you with

You are doing right to get away from him. Your head is certainly clearing and more clarity will appear when his malign presence is not casting a fog over you