NC for this as I want to keep this as anonymous as possible.
Bit of a muddle, this one. I'll try to keep it as simple as poss. I'm in my early 20's and still live with my mum as I've had a rough go of it with mental health over the years and struggle with some of the independence that comes with being an adult. My mum has had chronic pain over the years as well, and also struggles with her mental health.
The family as a whole has an issue with letting the house turn into a tip, and I'm one of the worst offenders. I seem to almost be blind to mess and clutter, and can easily sit in a room for days letting mess accumulate around me. It's been this way since I was very little and all concentrated efforts only last for a few days before it all falls apart again.
This, understandably, has always upset my mum. It's one of our biggest causes of arguments, and while most of these are unpleasant at best, sometimes when she explodes, she, well- Explodes.
Today was one of those times. To cut an already long post short, there was an argument over not being up at an early enough time to help clean the house, and not tidying the kitchen the day before. I must admit that I'd frozen up and was non-responsive at this time, and didn't move when she told me to leave the room. In anger, she grabbed me by the throat and pushed me back into the wall, which was enough to make me hyperventilate from fear and panic while she shouted at me.
After cursing at me to move, and being too frozen to do so, she pulled me hard by the hair once, as if she was going to drag me to the kitchen, which was enough for me to stumble out. I stumbled my way through the tidying in tears, still breathing hard and dry-heaving a few times.
When I brought it up to her a few hours later, after talking with friends and having them point out that, as in the wrong as I was for not pulling my weight, it wasn't right for her to physically threaten me like that, I brought it up to her over dinner. I said it was scary to go through and made me not want to be around her, and that if a partner were to do the same to me I would be told to leave them. She apologised, but countered that it was also abusive and shitty of me to chronically fail to help her out when she asked.
I feel like us being around each other at this point is feeding into our respective mental health issues. I am frightened at not being able to read when she'll get overtly angry (she normally keeps it to raising her voice, slamming doors, and throwing objects), and she is understandably hurt and frustrated at my chronic failures at keeping the house clean. (Recently diagnosed with adhd but that's not a complete excuse, plenty of others with adhd can clean up after themselves).
When I told a friend this he said that I should consider contacting the housing office for help tomorrow, and graciously offered to let me stay with him to create some space and help me feel a little steadier. I know we're in the midst of lockdown, but I can barely look at my mum and the tension between us is thick enough to cut with a knife. I don't know if I can feel the same amount of trust for her again, as dramatic as that is.
So am I being unreasonable to go to my friend's? Am I not putting enough blame on myself?