To flee to a friend's?

[AIBU124]

NC for this as I want to keep this as anonymous as possible.

Bit of a muddle, this one. I'll try to keep it as simple as poss. I'm in my early 20's and still live with my mum as I've had a rough go of it with mental health over the years and struggle with some of the independence that comes with being an adult. My mum has had chronic pain over the years as well, and also struggles with her mental health.

The family as a whole has an issue with letting the house turn into a tip, and I'm one of the worst offenders. I seem to almost be blind to mess and clutter, and can easily sit in a room for days letting mess accumulate around me. It's been this way since I was very little and all concentrated efforts only last for a few days before it all falls apart again.

This, understandably, has always upset my mum. It's one of our biggest causes of arguments, and while most of these are unpleasant at best, sometimes when she explodes, she, well- Explodes.

Today was one of those times. To cut an already long post short, there was an argument over not being up at an early enough time to help clean the house, and not tidying the kitchen the day before. I must admit that I'd frozen up and was non-responsive at this time, and didn't move when she told me to leave the room. In anger, she grabbed me by the throat and pushed me back into the wall, which was enough to make me hyperventilate from fear and panic while she shouted at me.

After cursing at me to move, and being too frozen to do so, she pulled me hard by the hair once, as if she was going to drag me to the kitchen, which was enough for me to stumble out. I stumbled my way through the tidying in tears, still breathing hard and dry-heaving a few times.

When I brought it up to her a few hours later, after talking with friends and having them point out that, as in the wrong as I was for not pulling my weight, it wasn't right for her to physically threaten me like that, I brought it up to her over dinner. I said it was scary to go through and made me not want to be around her, and that if a partner were to do the same to me I would be told to leave them. She apologised, but countered that it was also abusive and shitty of me to chronically fail to help her out when she asked.

I feel like us being around each other at this point is feeding into our respective mental health issues. I am frightened at not being able to read when she'll get overtly angry (she normally keeps it to raising her voice, slamming doors, and throwing objects), and she is understandably hurt and frustrated at my chronic failures at keeping the house clean. (Recently diagnosed with adhd but that's not a complete excuse, plenty of others with adhd can clean up after themselves).

When I told a friend this he said that I should consider contacting the housing office for help tomorrow, and graciously offered to let me stay with him to create some space and help me feel a little steadier. I know we're in the midst of lockdown, but I can barely look at my mum and the tension between us is thick enough to cut with a knife. I don't know if I can feel the same amount of trust for her again, as dramatic as that is.

So am I being unreasonable to go to my friend's? Am I not putting enough blame on myself?

Agree with other posters saying that you and your mum living together is obviously not going to work. She needs to get her own help for anger issues, but that's not your affair. All you can do is focus on yourself. Why can't you 'see' mess? Surely you realise that every object in the house has a place where it lives, and that when you've finished using that object it goes back where it belongs. There's help available out there for people with issues around hoarding etc... That might be a good place to start. But please don't take advantage of your friend and expect him to tolerate your lack of life skills. You're not a child and you should be pulling your weight, ADHD or not. Learn where everything lives in his house, watch what housework he does, then do the same. And make arrangements to get your own place ASAP so your stay with him is only temporary. He's being incredibly kind offering you a place to stay briefly while you get sorted. Don't give him any reason to regret his offer.

@AnneOfTeenFables

I agree you should leave but that doesn't mean you have to move in with a male friend. You're vulnerable just now. Is this friend the best person for you to stay with or is there a relative or someone else who would be better? Although you're thinking in terms of fleeing, you also need to think in terms of where you might end up living for a few months too.

Totally agree with this and others who said similar. You were assaulted and those trying to justify it it any way should be ashamed. However, be very careful about moving in with a male friend when you are so vulnerable. Make sure you present to the council as homeless immediately to start getting your own form of housing so you are not dependent on this man.

I just noticed the move with him part. I too think you are too vulnerable to move in with a male. Ideally it would a female relative or good friend of several years while you get emergency housing sorted.
I can see that you would be very very vulnerable to being locked in another power imbalance, being pressured or manipulated into things you wouldn't want to do of your free will truly.
I also dont think the housing will be buy your story moving with a male as he is just a friend. I think you need to look for someone else to help you.

@AIBU124 I too have reported Garlic Monkeys very unhelpful post! Do please go to your friends for your own safety....

You have been assaulted and you should take it extremely seriously. Go to your friend's house.
You may find that your MH issues stem a lot from having been brought up with her explosive anger. That sort of parent can turn you into a 'freeze' personality (too frozen to act, including tidying up clutter.) You need support, counselling and to put some hours in every day on your own MH, including how to manage your surroundings so they are reasonably clean and tidy. But first, move out.

Ah the domestic abuse deniers out in force I see, and against an obviously vulnerable women as well. Perhaps the OP doesn't do enough, or maybe she's been conditioned to think that. The fact she 'froze up once her mum started kicking off says a lot here though, it's not new behaviour.

@AIBU124, move out but be careful in doing so. Dont become someone else's doormat. I wouldn't worry about your mother, if she's capable of physically violence then she's more than capable of physically cleaning up her own damn house.

Agree @LakieLady - and I didn't mean to suggest in my earlier post that the LA would have a statutory duty to house the OP. More the opposite- she needs to understand what her options will be if staying with a friend doesn't work out. She could be left very vulnerable.

Hopefully the LA may be able to signpost her to some sources of support with moving out. But I agree that they are highly unlikely to house her. The grim reality for many vulnerable women in the U.K. is that they may be safer staying in the family home (at least short-term), even at some risk, than moving out and risking ending up on the streets.

A better option for the OP is likely to be remaining domiciled at her mother's, but staying with a friend temporarily to let her and her mother cool off, and to let the OP consider the future. But she needs to be careful because her mother might then try to claim that she had moved out and refuse to take her back- which is why she needs advice first.

Obviously you need to move out, but have you thought about how are you going to be a good houseguest? You need strategies for cleaning up after yourself and contributing positively

@Labobo

You have been assaulted and you should take it extremely seriously. Go to your friend's house. You may find that your MH issues stem a lot from having been brought up with her explosive anger. That sort of parent can turn you into a 'freeze' personality (too frozen to act, including tidying up clutter.) You need support, counselling and to put some hours in every day on your own MH, including how to manage your surroundings so they are reasonably clean and tidy. But first, move out.

And when her friend tries it on with her or kicks her out - what then?

There is some fucking irresponsible advice on here - and not just from those minimising the violence. I get that lots of MNetters want to believe that we live in a country which houses vulnerable women in the OP's situation- but we don't. Stop giving the OP La-La Land advice that will put her completely at the mercy of a male friend, whose motives are unknown.

I don’t think this is as straightforward as lots of posters have implied.
You say that you have spent years treating your mum and her home like this. Your mum has health issues and this is the first time she has assaulted you. That was wrong. To avoid her getting to that point she should have thrown you out years ago but obviously she was trying to do the right thing by giving you somewhere to live and you abused that.

She in turn did the unforgivable and physically assaulted you. You however have been mentally assaulting her by refusing to engage destroying her home.

I don’t think you have any place there, you mum will probably let you stay but may well physically attack you again so you need to leave.

I would suggest staying and trying to work out your own issues and getting your mum to agree to anger management courses but it seems like you are not at the point where you want to change

All the pp's on here trying to justify your mum's violence should ask themselves if they would physically assault there dc over a messy home.
If your dm is that bothered she could
a) charge more board and pay a cleaner
b) ask you to look for alternative accommodation

Your dm is a violent, abusive woman.
That's not ok.

Loving all the 'get a cleaner' suggestions

Loving all the 'get a cleaner' suggestions.

I know, it’s hilarious. So many people on here have no idea how the other half lives.

Well yes, you need to move out for the safety of yourself and sake of both yours and your mother's mental health.

But you definitely don't need to move in with a male "friend". You are very likely to end up in another unhealthy abusive relationship that you cannot easily escape from.

Do you have a support worker or similar?

OP, I get you. I’m in my fifties and still very untidy and accumulate lots of clutter as I struggle to throw things away. I’m always doing/thinking of several things at once and can’t easily focus on one task at a time. I can be cooking the evening meal then I’ll break off mid-way through to do something entirely unrelated.

Luckily, when I was younger, my mum accepted who I was and didn’t get abusive. She definitely found the situation frustrating at times, but she understood that I didn’t operate in the same way that she and my sister did. My sister is almost OCD in her tidying by comparison and never accumulates clutter. She’s a difficult houseguest to host because you can drink a cup of tea and you’ve just swallowed the last mouthful and she grabs the cup and puts it in the dishwasher. I’d simply rinse the cup and use it all day so I find her behaviour quite annoying.

You are being physically abused and there is absolutely no excuse for this type of abuse. You must move out to preserve your own sanity. You might also find that CBT therapy can help you organise your thoughts a little better and help you learn strategies for coping.

Your DM should not have grabbed you as she did. That was completely wrong and I do think you both need space. What worries me is that you go to your friends and you start accumulating clutter and making mess so they get frustrated and cross with you too and ask you to leave. You probably need your own place but then you have to be responsible for its upkeep. The main priority therefore has to be your own mental health and making sure you are in the right place to deal with normal day to day life.

I think the situation here is a bit more complex than the ones it’s being compared to.

OP I would be very cautious about moving in with a male friend at this point. Do you have any female friends or relatives who could help in the short term? I don’t know whether you would qualify, but a shelter might be a wiser option while you find your feet.

I don’t think it’s wise to stay with your dm. I’ve no idea if this is a once off, or part of a pattern of abuse. But when a person gets physical it takes a great deal of self control not to go there again. You might both be better off apart.

Your behaviour has to be addressed though. It’s not victim blaming to say that. It’s simply that it’s unrealistic to expect to be able to depend on other people to provide a living area if you cannot manage your mess. Other people will not put up with that either, though you’d likely find yourself homeless rather than attacked.

It’s very hard to judge from a short post, but I’m wondering if you might need to look into some kind of sheltered housing. Actually I’ve no idea if such a thing exists - I know there are schemes to help people with disabilities live semi independently. Are you at that level of need?

On the other hand there are some great household management resources online for people with adhd which I’d be happy to point you towards if you think you can improve with some effort.

Again, I don’t know your situation but I wouldn’t be rushing to blow up your relationship with your dm completely. You both need distance from each other. Her behaviour is inexcusable but she’s also been living in untenable circumstances.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow - yes and only on MN are all men potential abusers. Maybe her friend will let her stay for a while and give her some support until she works out what to do next. I wouldn't live with a parent who throttled me. Are you suggesting OP should stay where she is?

i wouldn't be staying. try and move out, and put some space between you and your mum.

i can sort of understand the frustration on your mums part if you weren't pulling your weight and helping with the cleaning etc, but thats no reason to be so abusive. so your mum was absolulely in the wrong here.

Hi, OP, sorry you’re in what sounds like a scary and confusing place. Your initial post suggests this is a complex situation - there’s the clutter issue which sounds familial and can have deep emotional roots, there is your mental health and a serious physical assault by your mum. Abuse is abuse, by the way, and has little to do with someone’s size or physical power especially if emotional abuse also plays into the picture. And grabbing someone by the throat is a very worrying sign of violence escalating. The way you describe ‘freezing’ when your mum attacked you made me wonder if you have had previous experiences of assault. Certainly your family situation appears to have broken down. Is there someone such as your GP or Social Services you could contact and describe what happened as you have done here? The alternative might be your local Domestic Abuse service or Women’s Aid. I hope you get the help you need.

What your mother did was unacceptable.
Is it just the 2 of you in the house?

There's no excuse for assaulting someone like that. And I can't help but think that she raised you so should have taught you to clean up after yourself. It's not a magic skill you develop when you turn 18.
You need to move out. But you need to keep your friends house tidy. And when you get a place of your own, only you will be tidying it.

I really feel for you. She didn’t need to use physical force to get her point across, nor should she have done. I also think you should try to find your own place if that is possible at all. And for everyone commenting on how bad it is that you are making mess, we have no way of knowing how extreme that mess is. Lots of people are untidy. You didn’t deserve that treatment.