To flee to a friend's?

[AIBU124]

NC for this as I want to keep this as anonymous as possible.

Bit of a muddle, this one. I'll try to keep it as simple as poss. I'm in my early 20's and still live with my mum as I've had a rough go of it with mental health over the years and struggle with some of the independence that comes with being an adult. My mum has had chronic pain over the years as well, and also struggles with her mental health.

The family as a whole has an issue with letting the house turn into a tip, and I'm one of the worst offenders. I seem to almost be blind to mess and clutter, and can easily sit in a room for days letting mess accumulate around me. It's been this way since I was very little and all concentrated efforts only last for a few days before it all falls apart again.

This, understandably, has always upset my mum. It's one of our biggest causes of arguments, and while most of these are unpleasant at best, sometimes when she explodes, she, well- Explodes.

Today was one of those times. To cut an already long post short, there was an argument over not being up at an early enough time to help clean the house, and not tidying the kitchen the day before. I must admit that I'd frozen up and was non-responsive at this time, and didn't move when she told me to leave the room. In anger, she grabbed me by the throat and pushed me back into the wall, which was enough to make me hyperventilate from fear and panic while she shouted at me.

After cursing at me to move, and being too frozen to do so, she pulled me hard by the hair once, as if she was going to drag me to the kitchen, which was enough for me to stumble out. I stumbled my way through the tidying in tears, still breathing hard and dry-heaving a few times.

When I brought it up to her a few hours later, after talking with friends and having them point out that, as in the wrong as I was for not pulling my weight, it wasn't right for her to physically threaten me like that, I brought it up to her over dinner. I said it was scary to go through and made me not want to be around her, and that if a partner were to do the same to me I would be told to leave them. She apologised, but countered that it was also abusive and shitty of me to chronically fail to help her out when she asked.

I feel like us being around each other at this point is feeding into our respective mental health issues. I am frightened at not being able to read when she'll get overtly angry (she normally keeps it to raising her voice, slamming doors, and throwing objects), and she is understandably hurt and frustrated at my chronic failures at keeping the house clean. (Recently diagnosed with adhd but that's not a complete excuse, plenty of others with adhd can clean up after themselves).

When I told a friend this he said that I should consider contacting the housing office for help tomorrow, and graciously offered to let me stay with him to create some space and help me feel a little steadier. I know we're in the midst of lockdown, but I can barely look at my mum and the tension between us is thick enough to cut with a knife. I don't know if I can feel the same amount of trust for her again, as dramatic as that is.

So am I being unreasonable to go to my friend's? Am I not putting enough blame on myself?

I think your plan is very sensible. You need to get out of the house now.

Maybe in time your relationship with your mum will improve, or maybe not. You may not want anything to do with her after this incident. Regardless, you need to leave.

Executive function issues are simply a part of who you are, and they need to be supported, not used as an excuse to attack you.

You mention mental health issues, and you will have to examine whether the support of living with your mother is greater than the damage.

Maybe learning more about executive function issues would help both of you especially as she would be able to see that it is part of your neurological wiring.

It is possible that your mother’s forceful approach is not helping you develop the habits necessary to become less of a slob..

It’s also possible that your slobbiness and constant presence in the house without taking on the share of the burden (especially if she is single parent)... is quite triggering for your mother..who tends to “explode!”

So I think you need some mediation.. to follow you up on the right decisions and hold you accountable.

You need to move out, it’s not a healthy environment for you or your mother. You are both at fault and unreasonable in different ways, your mother shouldn’t have physically assaulted you (very unreasonable) but she also doesn’t have to continue to deal with a grown adult behaving in the way you are to her in her house (also unreasonable, as you ARE an adult).

But you need help to become a healthy functioning adult too who can live independently and productively and I don’t know how that can happen, are there some social programs for vulnerable people in your area? Or social housing? Im not in UK. Do you work or study, what do you do with your life on a daily basis and can you support yourself financially etc? What do you want your life to look like in 10 years time and what are you doing to get there etc? You have to work all this out because it’s not up to your mother to keep supporting you forever.

To stay with your mum will mean you don’t have opportunities for personal growth because she can’t help you and you’ve outstayed your welcome, you don’t have the right to stay in your mum’s house forever, no adult should be imposing themselves on another like that.

Your mum was 100% wrong to do this AIBU124. Please, please get help and find a way to move out. Are you working? What support can you get in the community/finances/counselling etc?

I really wish you all the very best for the future, please, please do prioritize yourself and get whatever help you can to move out and move on.

I am genuinely shocked so many people seem to think your mum is not unreasonable in this. She totally is.

“You need to get intervention as your mother has assaulted you physically.. I don’t think it’s abuse as you are both equivelant in power and both adult females. But it was assault” oh, so domestic abuse doesn’t count in a lesbian relationship then?

I am amazed by this thread. If a man did this to a woman no one would be telling her well you should have just cleaned up.

so domestic abuse doesn’t count in a lesbian relationship then?

I’m not sure. But abuse is usually about someone in greater power exploiting the vulnerability of someone in a weaker power dynamic.

These are two adults , same physical strengths... both have the capacity to live independent lives and no one living with the other without choice..

I agree you should leave but that doesn't mean you have to move in with a male friend. You're vulnerable just now. Is this friend the best person for you to stay with or is there a relative or someone else who would be better? Although you're thinking in terms of fleeing, you also need to think in terms of where you might end up living for a few months too.

Has your Mum ever assaulted you before?

It doesn't sound like living on your own would go very well either, you would just let the mess get out of control.

if a partner were to do the same to me I would be told to leave them

True, but it wasn't your partner. It was your mum, someone around your size who is clearly not going to overpower and kill you. It sounds like she has asked for your help with this many times before to no avail, and on this occasion you point blank ignored her and she snapped.

There are some awful replies on here.

Reading the way you describe the mess I thought Adhd. Some people manage some things better than others. My Ds has Adhd he just gets overwhelmed by a big list and needs help to start.

Yes you should go to friends but also worry how you would manage independently.

You may need some sort of supported housing.

You definitely need to move out. Your mother’s reaction was not OK.

But you probably also need to be aware that ...

The family as a whole has an issue with letting the house turn into a tip, and I'm one of the worst offenders. I seem to almost be blind to mess and clutter, and can easily sit in a room for days letting mess accumulate around me.

... is absolutely not OK when you’re on the receiving end of hospitality from others.

So if you are genuinely ‘blind’ to mess and clutter, you’d better find some glasses.

As someone diagnosed with ADHD myself I read your OP @AIBU124 and thought to myself mmmm, that sounds familiar. What you mother did to you was wrong and I’m not excusing it or ignoring it but could she have adhd too, perhaps undiagnosed? It so often runs in families and I know I could so easily get into an explosive dynamic with my adhd diagnosed DD because those of us with inattentive and impulsive type.adhd can have both poor executive functioning (focus, concentration, application, organisation, consistency) and impulsive and poorly regulated emotions and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, the latter meaning we can fly off the handle very easily when we believe we’re not heard/respected or are being rejected in some way. I just wonder if you are two adhd peas in a pod and in the future your relationship might improve if she might consider being assessed herself?

This is a tricky one, I feel for both of you but is it really that difficult to clean up after yourself? You know it's an issue between you and your mum, you know she finds living with your mess very difficult but yet you still leave everything in a pigs sty. Your mum definitely shouldn't have layed her hands on you but I can only imagine she was at breaking point.
I've got to be honest if I was your friend I wouldn't want you living with me as I hate mess. Especially food mess (kitchen). If you do go to your friends you may find they get fed up of the way you choose to live too.

You have every right to report the incident to the police

Nothing makes physical violence ok

"it was also abusive and shitty of me to chronically fail to help her out" Yes. Yes, it was.

Your mother should not have resorted to physical violence. However, if she has asked and asked and asked you to do your bit, I can understand why she exploded and I am finding it difficult to have any sympathy with you. You understand what you should do, but not only do you not pull your weight with the normal cleaning, you cause her extra work that you know mentally and physically pains her. "All concentrated efforts fall apart after a few days" just makes her feel like you don't care enough about her mental or physical health to make an effort. And all this whilst she subsidises your rent. If your mother was posting as herself about a boyfriend, he would be called a "Cocklodger" and she would be advised to throw him out. In your case, she presumably feels less able to do that what with you being her child. Alternatively, a woman would be advised to leave but she can't exactly do that because it's her house.

The best way of ensuring this doesn't happen again is to move out. If you move into your friend's place, I advise you to make more of an effort and treat his home with more respect. You are not ignorant of what needs to be done and you are obviously not stupid, so you can come up with strategies for remembering what it is you need to do. Online reminders, phone reminders, lists, back of the hand if necessary.

I'm sure I will get a kicking for that post, but I don't care and I won't justify myself to posters who object. Personal experience. I would never start a physical conflict, but nor would I accept that I have to live in a pigsty unless I act as a skivvy.

Hi OP,

If you only want to get away for a few days, then yes to a friend's house is fine.

However, if you want to get out of this shit, you need to stay put, call the police and report the assault. Your mother will get a slap on the wrist. But it will work for you to get help with housing. If you stop at your friends, it's highly likely they won't help due to you not being street homeless. Also they may class you as making yourself homeless without the police report to back up your claim of fleeing violence.

You are a messy person, a lot of people are. It's not the end of the world, there is help out there if it's so bad you have rats running about your house.

Don't listen to the people on here trying to excuse your mother's abuse. Yes you can be in an abusive relationship with family. You don't need to be having sex with someone before it's classed as abuse. And yes abuse happens with people of the same sex and build. That's the most stupid thing I have heard @SisterlyCare!

TheNestedIf I 100% agree with you.

@whaa are you the mother?

OP I would suggest that you contact social services and try to get some supported accommodation

@SisterlyCare
It isn't true to suggest that adult children are equal in power to a parent that they are living with. If someone is relying on another to be housed and doesn't have any realistic alternative place to live at extremely short notice there is an automatic power imbalance in the relationship as the person not on the tenancy or deeds has no right to remain in the property and can essentially be made homeless with no notice at the other person's say (and often no right to be rehoused by the council).

The power imbalance in an abusive relationship is normally a lot more than the relative physical strength of the two parties and it is entirely possible for someone of lesser physical strength to abuse someone of greater physical strength. The bigger role for a power imbalance is the impact the abuser can have on the life (or can make the abused believe they can have) of the abused if they fail to accept the abuse of the abuser, whether this being in terms of destroying other relationships, cutting them off financially, making them homeless, impacting their employment etc.