To flee to a friend's?

[AIBU124]

NC for this as I want to keep this as anonymous as possible.

Bit of a muddle, this one. I'll try to keep it as simple as poss. I'm in my early 20's and still live with my mum as I've had a rough go of it with mental health over the years and struggle with some of the independence that comes with being an adult. My mum has had chronic pain over the years as well, and also struggles with her mental health.

The family as a whole has an issue with letting the house turn into a tip, and I'm one of the worst offenders. I seem to almost be blind to mess and clutter, and can easily sit in a room for days letting mess accumulate around me. It's been this way since I was very little and all concentrated efforts only last for a few days before it all falls apart again.

This, understandably, has always upset my mum. It's one of our biggest causes of arguments, and while most of these are unpleasant at best, sometimes when she explodes, she, well- Explodes.

Today was one of those times. To cut an already long post short, there was an argument over not being up at an early enough time to help clean the house, and not tidying the kitchen the day before. I must admit that I'd frozen up and was non-responsive at this time, and didn't move when she told me to leave the room. In anger, she grabbed me by the throat and pushed me back into the wall, which was enough to make me hyperventilate from fear and panic while she shouted at me.

After cursing at me to move, and being too frozen to do so, she pulled me hard by the hair once, as if she was going to drag me to the kitchen, which was enough for me to stumble out. I stumbled my way through the tidying in tears, still breathing hard and dry-heaving a few times.

When I brought it up to her a few hours later, after talking with friends and having them point out that, as in the wrong as I was for not pulling my weight, it wasn't right for her to physically threaten me like that, I brought it up to her over dinner. I said it was scary to go through and made me not want to be around her, and that if a partner were to do the same to me I would be told to leave them. She apologised, but countered that it was also abusive and shitty of me to chronically fail to help her out when she asked.

I feel like us being around each other at this point is feeding into our respective mental health issues. I am frightened at not being able to read when she'll get overtly angry (she normally keeps it to raising her voice, slamming doors, and throwing objects), and she is understandably hurt and frustrated at my chronic failures at keeping the house clean. (Recently diagnosed with adhd but that's not a complete excuse, plenty of others with adhd can clean up after themselves).

When I told a friend this he said that I should consider contacting the housing office for help tomorrow, and graciously offered to let me stay with him to create some space and help me feel a little steadier. I know we're in the midst of lockdown, but I can barely look at my mum and the tension between us is thick enough to cut with a knife. I don't know if I can feel the same amount of trust for her again, as dramatic as that is.

So am I being unreasonable to go to my friend's? Am I not putting enough blame on myself?

Your mum was totally in the wrong. But as others have said. You need to stop being blind to mess. You certainly wouldn't be welcome in my house if you didn't tidy up after yourself.

In anger, she grabbed me by the throat and pushed me back into the wall, which was enough to make me hyperventilate from fear and panic while she shouted at me.

After cursing at me to move, and being too frozen to do so, she pulled me hard by the hair once, as if she was going to drag me to the kitchen

How can this sort of behaviour ever be justified? It can’t and I’m shocked at how many apologists there are on this tread

The mother should have used other non violent means to get results. Or if unable to control her anger, taken herself off out for a walk to create space and calm down.

I am completely shocked that violence has been excused because it comes from a woman and a mother would this violence have been excused from a man, I am not saying the op is innocent but when has that ever been a good excuse for lashing out.

I've been chronically ill in my past, and frustrated that my house has turned into a tip while the (young at the time) dcs trashed it, and dh struggled to keep things going while working, parenting, & caring - but I've never physically hurt or raised a hand even to any of them. Absolutely not on. Yes, of course you have to learn the responsibilities of being an adult, but to physically hurt someone like this is not acceptable. I used to have this with my DSM, where it would descend into hair grabbing and slapping - just leave. Leave, and maybe things can progress slowly with boundaries, or give you the space to go nc.

I also wondered if there is a history of your mum physically abusing you or if this is a one off.

Either way, time apart isn’t a bad idea as long as you are safe. You sound very vulnerable- I hope you’re ok.

personally, I think you both need to set up a formal weekly roster.

No one in a household should have to ''ask'' for someone else to get stuck in unless you live in an upmarket motel/hotel and you are paying for full similar type charges.

I think this has come to a head for both you and Mum, unfortunate how it turned out, but frustrations have run high.

Move forward and get a roster happening. You might find the commitment to undertake regular tasks in the household will help you to start putting other stuff into perspective too. :)

I am shocked and horrified by some posters responses condoning your mother's action or minimising them citing financial contributions to the household, impact of mess on mental health of the mum and needing to learn to clean. None of these justify or even marginally excuse your mother's abusive behaviour. It is nothing but abuse.

OP, it is human nature to think that the most scathing, most cutting comments must be the honest ones, particularly if you have low self esteem. I urge you to ignore the nonsense posts and focus on escaping and building an independent and safe life away from her. No matter what you have or have not tidied up you did not deserve to be abused. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is probably as abusive as your mother or an abusers apologist.

As to those posters, shame on you.

Move out, get your own place and start to heal.
Don't live with a friend as you'll piss them off with your untidiness, but you need to grow up, move out and start taking care of yourself abd your surroundings ,

I am chronically ill and have chronic pain. I’m in no way excusing what your mum did. If my dd treated me like you are treating her, I think I’d find you very difficult to live with and tensions would be incredibly high.

All I can compare it to is once pulling my dd’s hair hard and shouting at her. She was being horrible to me about her hair when she was maybe 8 and couldn’t yet do it to her satisfaction herself. She had terrorised me for years with having to have perfect hair when I was so ill and largely bedridden. I was really struggling and had been trying for maybe 15 minutes to get it perfect enough. I’ve never done anything like this since or before and it was an extreme moment of not being appreciated when I was killing myself to please her. It was a big learning moment for both. I had no option to walk away because I was too ill to stand up and walk.... At the time, I had an undiagnosed health condition, which was slowly poisoning me I have since had major surgery.

Your mother and you have hopefully had a big moment of learning. But you are at a very different stage in life to dd and me and what I did was very mild in comparison. Like me, your mother saw blind rage. If the physical attack was a one off, I would see it differently from a series of attacks. My concern, however, is the hands around your throat. That is very violent.

Only the two of you can decide if you continue to live together. On the face of it, I think you would be better apart if you are able. How much support your mother has been with your adhd? Will you be ok living alone? Be honest with yourself and what you actually need. We already know what your mother needs.

Move out then sign up to Fly Lady.

I can't believe all the abuse apologists on this thread. OP's mum grabbed her by the throat and pushed her into a wall, dragged her by her hair and people are talking about her mum's 'hospitality?! ADHD is a condition which causes huge difficulties with things like home management (can't think of a better phrase). It's a neurological condition which, shockingly, has an effect on people's ability to function well. OP also alludes to mental health issues, which again classically cause issues like this. Seriously, anyone on this thread who is making excuses for the mum's abuse - you disgust me. I bet you all think you're really inclusive too .

Would you be as "blind to the mess" in a friends place if you moved in there? I think it's time to fend for yourself, you can't use various different mental health reasons as an excuse to forever live at home and expect mum to baby you, while acting like this.

With such a sad and serious post all some of you can think of is cleaning tips? fucking hell. It's like projection robots central in here.

Nobody is ‘condoning’ the mother’s violence.

What the mother did is not OK.

But what the OP does is also not OK. Does it deserve a violent retaliation? Absolutely, categorically not. At all.

But somehow, the OP’s really shitty unacceptable behaviour is being swept under the carpet, because of the mother’s also unacceptable behaviour.

If the OP goes to someone else’s house to escape the violence in her own, she can’t expect to behave the way she does, and think she will be welcome, because she won’t.

Something tells me - she will suddenly be able to see the mess, tidy up, not blatantly ignore the people rightly annoyed by the pigsty she’s created, and be a contributing member of the household.

Why can’t she just do that for her Mum, I wonder....

Because she can’t be arsed.

Your mother should not have assaulted you, whatever the provocation. Ideally, you would move out, but you need to think carefully about your safety and MH. As unacceptable as your mother's behaviour was, you say that she is not usually violent. She is allowing you to live with her. If you leave to sofa-surf, you will be very vulnerable if your friend cannot tolerate your mess and throws you out.

Please consider contacting the Adult Helpdesk at your local social services for help and advice on moving out without making yourself intentionally homeless.

How do you know that you won't treat your friend's house in the same way?

Has he seen the state of your house?

@BluebellsGreenbells

Your mother was wrong to physically hurt you.

However, you know what you should be doing and her frustration in having to clean up after yourself is no doubt frustrating.

I woulda suggest you leave abs see how others react to your inability to be clean.

I doubt others would be happy to do your dirty work either.

Get some space and learn how to take care of yourself, for your own sake.

This in spades. This situation isn't healthy so behave like an adult, service your needs, and remove yourself from the sìtuation.

How old are you OP? Do you mind saying, it will be a factor in any help the council might be able to give you.

@user1473878824

“You need to get intervention as your mother has assaulted you physically.. I don’t think it’s abuse as you are both equivelant in power and both adult females. But it was assault” oh, so domestic abuse doesn’t count in a lesbian relationship then?

I am amazed by this thread. If a man did this to a woman no one would be telling her well you should have just cleaned up.

There’s a massive difference between continuous oppressive behaviour that is abuse and assault. Much more minor behaviour than the ops mum can be abuse if repeated over time. A single event is assault, or domestic violence. The op nowhere states her mum has attacked her before.

Your mum was completely in the wrong and should obviously never have physically attacked you, even under the circumstances you describe. Violence is never the answer and never acceptable.

However you are an adult and you need to start acting like one. You should leave, go to your friends, but once there please do start to pull your weight. Your friend has offered you sanctuary. Don’t repay them by turning their house into a pit. Once you have your own place you can live how you like, but when you are under someone else’s roof you need to respect them and the way they live.

You need to leave.

You also need to get support and help to live as an adult. You can’t just sit and let mess accumulate.

You should definitely move out, but you may find it difficult to get help from the council.

Councils in England only have a duty to house homeless people without children if they are a) vulnerable or b) are fleeing domestic violence. On the face of it, you qualify on both counts OP, but establishing that may well be a different matter.

When you get an appointment to see a homelessness officer, make sure you take with you evidence of your MH issues and ADHD (if you have an ADHD diagnosis, I haven't RTFT). If you have any visible signs of being assaulted by your mother, take pictures.

If they think they may have to help you, you'll probably be placed in a refuge or a B&B while they investigate and make their decision. It's important that you stay where you are placed, regardless of how isolated or inconvenient it is, as by placing you they will have discharged their legal duty and if you leave, you could be denied further help.

Also bear in mind that in many parts of England, the only help you may get is funds towards rent in advance and a deposit, so that you can rent somewhere privately. The amount of one bed/studio accommodation varies widely between local authorities.

(Should perhaps add that I worked in homelessness support and prevention for 13 years until a couple of years ago, so I have some idea of how this works.)

Good luck.