Wife wants a ‘break’

[Struggling73]

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

I reiterate my earlier comments and those of several others, particularly @fuzzymoon

• OP, having gone back sooner than planned, although you have sound reasons for this you are now in very dangerous territory, particularly without legal advice.

The coffee incident is one example - you made a serious mistake there and you really, really need to have your wits about you and do not for a moment lose focus.
You have been criticised for this quite harshly but it is a taste of how even a small incident could be viewed by a 3rd party so you do need to listen to those views as well.

Do not let your guard down. Do not let her or the situation provoke you again, no matter how much pressure is applied. Stay strong and stay calm.

Oh, and don't keep searching for reasons why. You can get a counsellor for that later. Or do as I do and lurk on Mumsnet forums to watch the pattern repeat for others, as it does from time to time (note: just as often it's a male narcissist).

I think saying the OP was not given sufficient provocation is completely wrong. A tiny event or action could provoke an outburst (or throwing of a cup of coffee) because it is the last tiny straw that breaks the camel's back. The OP has suffered continuous provocation over several days, having received a totally unexpected response from a woman he loved and thought he knew well. No one else can know how much mixed up emotion is inside him, and what the impact could be of a sudden, unexpected but bitchy and rejecting action.

It does not suggest to me the action of an abusive bully but a one-off loss of control, which had been fueled by the events of several days. When one loses control over something major in one's life (marriage, home, future expectations etc), an explosive (but not harmful) reaction might well result. He could have shouted, sworn or run off. It doesn't mean he would also have hit his wife if she had been present. Indeed, given he says no one else was there, it sounds like he had sufficient control to wait until she had left the room.

However, OP, now you know you can react like this, you must guard against it. Have a strategy you can plan to use if you feel yourself getting riled (e.g walking away) or be careful to avoid situations that could provoke you.

It's a given we can only respond to what OP has told.

I think some were waiting to pounce on OP once cup throwing was mentioned. It was an isolated emotional outburst after a week of prolonged stress and shock. Not a stated pattern of behaviour. "showing true colours" etc comments are completely illogical and clouded.

Personally the coffee thing would be more likely to trigger a similar response from me than something far more in your face confrontational. It was definitely not minor in her mind, and had great intention behind it. It was a large statement to say "you've come home now I'm going to beat you up mentally for it" - at the first opportunity she got. Bullying as you like.

It is imperative that OP keeps cool from here on in for reasons given.

My own way would be getting as much exercise as possible. Long dog walks and cardio if that's your thing. Burn off that extra stress best as possible.

op this is all so tough.

I've not posted much but I wanted to say I am so sorry things are so tough.

Re the coffee, when I first read it I thought your wife was in the room. Then I saw "Nobody was there. Nobody was even downstairs." So my only advice is if you do repeat this to anyone I don't think you need to but if it comes up I would start with 'nobody was there, nobody was even downstairs.'

Smashing a cup of coffee, especially hot, is not good - but you know that and now you know how this is affecting you. You need to be aware anything you say or do now could be an issue.

I'd get legal advice asap.

Anyone who let there other half sleep in the car on Christmas is either very mentally ill or very ruthless, or both.

I'm so sorry about the dogs too. Who paid for them? I paid for my dog just in case and I've been happily married for a long time.

I think your situation is heartbreaking and I hope you get help and get free.

Turning off your emotions of love or care must be so hard but for now you just need to be practical and employ some self preservation.

Best stay out of her way and do your own thing. Don't play into her hands...no matter how much you get on with your SDs...their loyalty is with their mum. Be careful.

Her mind is made up...she's done...she just hasn't said it yet.

Hi OP just wondering if you’re back home now and things are sorting themselves out? Best wishes 🤗

Hi,
I’m back home yes. Are things sorting themselves out? In terms of my marriage? No. There no going back.
Yesterday afternoon was quiet and last night I slept for 4hours... which is about as much sleep as I’ve managed in a week so that’s good :)
Thank you for the wishes

What a sad thread.

I wouldn't be overtly worried about the coffee incident despite the cries of abuse, you had the self-control to wait for her to make her own coffee, leave the room and go upstairs before chucking it at the wall. I'm not sure anyone professional would actually find you to be a perpetrator of domestic violence based on that single incident.

If you paid for the dogs (you've not clarified but I expect you probably did) they're yours and are the first thing to go in the car if it's you that leaves the house.

Get the ball in motion, don't wait for her to turn off the life support for your marriage.

If you paid for the dogs (you've not clarified but I expect you probably did) they're yours

I don't disagree, but I can just see her saying how mean he is if he does this....saying how her DDs will miss them so much and if will affect their mental health....blah blah blah 🙄

There's 3 of them for company...you really should have the 🐕 🐕

I agree @SandyY2K or perhaps as a PP said, the person who wfh. I have known split couples to do dog shares successfully but when the break was amicable.

Great to hear that you’ve got some sleep, OP, and that you accept there’s no going back on the marriage. That will allow you to focus on moving forward.

Glad you’ve had some sleep. You need to look after yourself.

Can you get a solicitor appointment next week?

Morning all,
Actually I didn’t pay for the dogs. But that’s how we worked finances. I paid the mortgage and she paid for most other things, with a few exceptions.
I guess I’m going to have to wait and see what happens in regards to them.
Feeling a little better today. Starting to pick up signs that there may be a third party involved. Just little clues here and there. As has been said though, it doesn’t really matter . Now isn’t the time to dissect reasons etc too much
Btw - no I haven’t been doing anything I should have in regards to clues.... just observations

Shouldn’t have*

This thread is so sad. OP speak to a solicitor and start looking at putting the house on the market.

I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way.

I've just read all of this, so very sad. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Based on everything you said, I had a feeling there was someone else involved. It's just too strange that things have disintegrated so rapidly. Also you mentioned she'd started a new job which makes me wonder if she's met someone there.

It is irrelevant though. You just need to move on with dignity. It's very sad and traumatic, but you will get through it. This too shall pass 😘

If as people do suspect, there is a third party involved, her asking you to leave with MH suggestions is just so dreadful.

I hope you can adopt a very steely disposition towards her.

Don't give her the huge satisfaction of being able to smear you by losing control of your frustration.

Try and accept it is over and get on with the practicalities.

I suspect her preference was to not have the upheaval of a house move as she embarks on a new relationship.

The soon the house is on the market the better.

She also wants to keep her appalling behaviour from the wider community.
Keep a sharp eye on her movements.

Let her bear the shame of an affair 3 months after marrying you and then turfing you out.

Most likely it is someone through work.

I don't know the technicalities etc but divorcing because of an affair may be more straightforward. Also, although very painful, at least an affair would explain why she suddenly behaved in this way.

Snooping in a happy relationship is not on.
The current circumstances are a completely different kettle of fish.

Sadly I think most on this thread suspected she had had her head turned.

As Sun Tzu said, keep your friends close and enemies closer.

@kidhelp fantastic input, well done 🙄

kidhelp wow so helpful! A whole 7 words. Really interesting.

It did seem the most likely explanation.
Even though it may be ephemeral.
She needs to take the responsibility for it. She had no right to ask you to give her space over Xmas & allow you to sleep in the car.
You wouldn't allow your dog to sleep in a car over night at this time of year.
The path she is taking, without any truthful discussion shows you a character you could never have imagined.

Hi OP - interesting that there seems to be a 3rd party involved. I thought it may be more that she realised she didn’t want the compromise and constraints which come from being married. Also, I think you may have been a port in a storm for her performing a rescuer function rather than something more equally balanced.

Anyway, there will come a time when you’re looking back on this and the current heat and pain will be gone. Sometimes when I’m under stress (I wish I managed this more often and had started doing it sooner, particularly when my DDs were younger), I will think - when I’m looking back on this moment, how will I wish I had behaved/what will I wish I had done? That can be helpful in taking some of the heat out of the moment and giving you a bigger picture view.

This could be useful

The 180
It's designed to help you move forward with or without your spouse following infidelity.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Seek support from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her, /his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.