Wife wants a ‘break’

[Struggling73]

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

“You need to detach yourself completely. What did you expect her to do by making her a coffee? I can't think of an outcome that would mean anything positive.

You're playing right into her hands. She could have cause to have police remove you now.”

This. You’re in pain but you know that was a bad mistake. You are giving her legitimate reasons for getting you out. It sounds like you were trying to reach out to her in a civil way, which is completely understandable, but I suppose she would feel that accepting the coffee could be misinterpreted as her accepting you being back home.

As PP have said, start taking the steps necessary for finding somewhere else to live and making a separate life for yourself.

Keep posting here for support.

Have followed this thread and up until now I had some sympathy for OP, however felt that he is a bit flaky- says he'll do something then does the opposite, ( op said he would give her space after Christmas - but then decided to go on Christmas Day, later said he'd give her two weeks, said he'd stay in a hotel, then returns the same day) and now this- I wonder if his (soon to be ex?) partner has some grounds for needing space, even more so now-

Throwing a cup of hot liquid at the wall? this type of behaviour is extremely scary to live with, I grew up with it, and it destroys you.

Also, is it really out of character?- never done any kind of tense, angry behaviour before? if you genuinely haven't, this is a very quick descent into violent behaviour, and as such, you need to distance yourself before something worse and 'out of character' happens, as you seemed to have had very little control on this occasion.

When domestic violence happens in the house, regardless of where and who is directly witnessing it, the other people in the house know-dont kid yourself they dont.

Minimising it as you have done is all too familiar. And she didn't push you to behave this way, you lost control of your behaviour and ultimately you chose to behave this way.

Perpetrators of DV are removed and told not to go back if there has been DV and children/young people are 'upstairs in bed- they didn't witness it' - just because it wasn't visually witnessed, doesn't mean no-one but you knows about it.- I fact it can be even more scary to hear it, because they dont know what happened, or what might happen next.

So, have you cleaned up all of the mess you made? Apologised for your loss of control (by text, ideally?)

And if you really have never shouted (this wasn't shouting, it was violence, btw)
You need urgent help to manage your emotions appropriately, before you can be safe around other people.

Fucking cop on, throwing a cup in a room by yourself is not violence or abuse and yes its normal to get that angry in a week when stress has been so high. But this is mn op, they will try and make everything about abuse now. Get a solicitor first thing monday morning and stay well away from her for the time being. Give her no ammo.

I wouldnt apologise by text as then she has 'evidence' that you snapped.
Book yourself in to see a counsellor asap
you need to get a hold of your emotions and behaviour

You are a man, and you are bigger and stronger than she or her daughters. That makes your outbursts much more frightening, especially given the facts that 2 women a week are killed by partners at the time or just after they break up. Planty more are just battered or frightened.

Dont feed into the statistics. her behaviour may be upsetting you, but if you want to stay in your home until its sorted out, then you need to be able to control yourself.

And yes, you need to have made sure you have cleared up ALL the mess

OP I have been following this thread, unsure what to think until now. Having been someone who reached the point I couldn't cope with exH's behaviour after a period of time (his behaviour significantly deteriorated not long after our wedding) and I couldn't take it any more to the point I just cracked up one day, I seemingly "went crazy" and threw him out with "nowhere to go." He also refused to believe that my MH issues were genuine and came barging his way back in, refusing to give me space after saying he initially would.
You were very quick to give up on your marriage and decide that she's a manipulative narcissist and making it all up. I don't know either of you or your situation, maybe she is awful, I don't know. but after your recent update, I'm questioning if you're as genuinely an oblivious victim as PPs have been led to believe.

@Shaniac

Fucking cop on, throwing a cup in a room by yourself is not violence or abuse and yes its normal to get that angry in a week when stress has been so high. But this is mn op, they will try and make everything about abuse now. Get a solicitor first thing monday morning and stay well away from her for the time being. Give her no ammo.

Are you stupid? If she's as manipulative as he's made out then she will jump on this chance to accuse him of violence and have him removed. He's lost his temper, and it's the oldest excuse in the book to tell police "she drove me to it".

He needs to tread carefully, not indulge in throwing things when seeing red.

Yes, my x did this, obviously he threw things at the wall hundreds of time and I was too scared to ever do anything, but if there is a plan to manipulate the situation, then @Struggling73 needs to breath, in, out, whatever he can do to avoid losing control. Say in your head ''this will pass, this will pass''.

Yep, throwing an object in an empty room is "abuse" on MN. As if! Give over, keyboard warriors and sofa psychiatrists, will you.

OP. Give your head a wobble and stop acting stupid. Don't put yourself in situations giving her opportunity to provoke anger, she's doing this on purpose. She's a right bitch the way she's acted throughout, just leave her be. Look after yourself, you've got plenty to be getting on with. There was so much advice given to you on here, surely still lots for you to do. Do it. You're far too intelligent to give her ammunition like that, come on. Keep away from her and play civil, not nice.

No im not stupid. Op knows he was wrong and has been advised to completely ignore her now. Im just opposed to idiots saying its violence and abuse and he needs therapy because its not normal to snap like that. (it is) and people saying he must always be like it if hes done it once. Im like the op in i never shout or lose my temper until the very same situation last month actually when i found texts and lost my temper for the first time and threw a cup at a wall. My point is op is currently the victim here being pushed to the extreme and some posters are now gleefully victim blaming that a man has snapped therefore he must have been abusive and evil to begin with because victims never snap do they.

Throwing a cup against a wall does not mean he's on a rapid descent into familicide. I am not downplaying his behavior and understand esculation, nor downplaying peoples experiences.

I agree there is probably more to this than maybe even the OP is aware of. The fact she did it over Xmas, come and made a coffee for no other reason than to goad, does not paint a sympathetic picture for her.

Pointless speculating without all knowledge, just hope can get resolved ASAP for all concerned.

Hmm. I think he was trying too hard to appear a 'nice guy' to get MN support. True colours showing through now though.

@unconvinced21, yes.

The OP didn't have to post that update.

Either we believe he's been telling the truth the whole time and continue to support him or we don't.

The advice is the same either way. Stay away from each other and protect yourself!

If I had to live in a house where I felt a constant threat of goading I think I'd wear a body cam every time I left the room. Or I'd cave in and leave. Which presumably is what she wants.

It is abuse if it's done to control.

I lived with this for years and can see that this is different. But throwing things at walls is deemed to be abusive as it is a threat of violence, a warning of strength.

I sympathise with op. I think he is being provoked with a lack of information.

People didnt need to tell him to be careful. He knew himself.

It is abuse if it's done to control

Agreed, and it is completely different to the circumstances described by the OP.

Thanks for all of your advice and comment,
All I can say is I appreciate each and every one of commenting, wether the comments were sympathetic, ridiculing, criticising or just matter of fact.
Re the incident this morning, it’s cleared up (mess and the situation). I shouldn’t have done it, yes. I regret it, yes. Was it physically harmful towards anything or anybody other than the cup? Definitely not. Do I have anger problems? Do you think I’d have spent Christmas Day in my car if I’m the type to get angry? Be your own judge.
I came on here looking for advice and I guess to give me a soundboard ( as I had nobody else to talk to when I was rock bottom. I thank you all truly. Your comments have been amazing and very much appreciated. x

@PurplePansy05

It is abuse if it's done to control

Agreed, and it is completely different to the circumstances described by the OP.

Yes and the @Struggling73 op gets it. But I had to set straight the people saying it's not abuse.

The op is human and he reacted emotionally and it might be used against him. He gets it.

It is other posters who dont get it. Minimising throwing cups of tea at the wall in moments of loss of control is not helpful to op.

He did it. He regrets it. He's aware of the repercussions.

Support the op in this situation without minimising.

The coffee incident tells you all you need to know. Its over so keep your distance and dont play into her hands.

I don't believe you would have spent xmas day in your car if you used anger to get yr way. Not at all.
You are human and you lost control but these circumstances are shocking and without explanation. I have sympathy for the situation you are in.

What soul-searching have you done OP? You have acknowledged things could have been better, and that you could make changes, but you haven't identified what any of these things might be. What do you think was going wrong?

You've kind of answered a question with a question - do Mumsnet readers think you have anger problems...? And implied this is not possible because you were in your car on Christmas Day. Well nobody here knows whether you have anger problems or not - none of us know your situation, we haven't got a commentary from the other person involved in this, and it can't be judged that you don't by virtue of you sitting in your car on Christmas Day.

I would also be concerned about the cup throwing incident. There are many, many people in this world who would never throw a cup under much greater provocation than you experienced.

Now none of the readers here really know the full situation, maybe you have been incredibly hard done by and deserve every sympathy. When you really reflect on the overall situation yourself, rather than relying on internet strangers to bolster your case, what is your take on it?

Hi,
I think I’ve given my take on it (if you’re referring to the cup incident). It was a moment of frustration built up from a week of unimaginable emotions - all emotions. Nobody was there. Nobody was even downstairs. It was a lapse. Nothing more, and no danger ( physical at least) to anyone. I spoke to my wife and SD’s an hour later and apologised. One of the SD’s didn’t even know, the other said it was fine. My wife just shrugged it off.
Will it be used against me? Possibly. But there is nothing I can do about that now. I regret it massively, and I don’t excuse or condone it.
The soul searching: I’ve spent the last week looking at myself. How I live my life etc. I’ve acknowledged in the thread a few times I’ve probably become a bit lazy in terms of the relationship. Lesson learned. I do think it’s been compounded by COVID and being stuck together 24/7 but then that’s the situation for millions, not just me.
I need to work on myself. I do. I don’t think I deserved what happened in Xmas day though. I’m not a bad person. Unless there is more to it (who knows) I still can’t understand why she would give up on us so easily.

That is sad. Hopefully by jan 2021 you will have your own place and finances will be sorted. Idont think meeting somebody who does value you is the holy grail but be free so it could happen 🍷