Wife wants a ‘break’

[Struggling73]

Hi all.
On Christmas Eve my wife of 3 months (been together 18 months but known each other 12 years) declared she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t the man she met 18 months ago. I was in shock. I knew things weren’t quite right but I put it down to work stress or something similar. She didn’t say it was over, but that she needed time to figure things out, and she could only do that if I wasn’t there. I agreed I’d try and give her some space afte Xmas but then Xmas morning came and it was torture. I left before lunch and spent the day and night in my car.
I’m now crashing with family. I’m broken, confused and upset. I love her to bits but I think it’s over

The word Pet and the word Rat don't go together for me

Aww I had a pet rat when I was little he was lovely. Little Roland. Though he got quite big I think.

Glad you’re home and comfortable OP. Your dsd obviously is too bless her. Good luck.

A huge well done for finding the strength to do this.
When you do talk don't offer up reasons why you may have done something wrong or contributed to this She will use this to make it your fault.
From what you've said you have done nothing wrong that deserved the treatment you received.
There's a thing called communication , talking to each other. This she hasn't done.
Stay strong.

Fabulous update, OP!

So pleased to hear that OP, I've been constantly checking this post to see how you are.

It’s good to think of you getting some cuddles after all you’ve been through, OP.

Thank you all, and happy new year.
Last night was pretty uncomfortable listening to the 3 of them doing the whole countdown and happy new year thing, but.... I got through it.
Today I’m going to go about my own business, housework, ironing, keeping busy. I’ve made a decision not to hide away. I’ll say good morning etc.
I’m not fighting for this marriage anymore, I’m past that (already), so I’m not playing stupid games.
I’m here, deal with it or go. Simple really.

Lovely that you called her my eldest SD and that she told you she loves you , you have a brilliant relationship with them.

When this happened to dhs friend the wife tried to pick arguments while one of her kids filmed it on the iPad to make him look abusive.

Must have been hard hearing them do the countdown but you do sound much more comfortable now you’re back in your home and you’re sounding resolute, too, OP. Good luck with your next steps and keep posting here for support.

Thanks Dery. Appreciate your help, support and advice x

I'm sorry that must have been hard to hear them see the new year in.

You're doing amazing OP

Update: I just did something stupid which I instantly regretted.
I put the kettle on and made myself a coffee, I also made one for her and messaged her to tell her (she’s upstairs).
She comes down 2 minutes later, ignores the coffee I made and made herself another one. I know I should have shrugged it off but I flipped. I picked up the coffee and launched it at the wall.
I’m so disappointed with myself. I literally never lose my temper. Something just snapped in me :(
I’m such an idiot :(

She is pushing you. That was deliberately goading behaviour for her to come downstairs just after you sent that message to make her own coffee.

Please don’t put yourself in that position again, she may use it against you as aggressive, unreasonable behaviour.

She’s a piece of work. Don’t let her goad you into a similar reaction again, make your own drinks / food and leave her to do her own. She’s bloody toxic

Her ignoring yours and making one for herself says all you need to know. As someone else said she sounds melodramatic and probably has narcissistic traits.

Forgive yourself for an outburst where no real damage was done. I think you know exactly where you stand and what you need to do now. Shes not going to be reasonable about anything and is enjoying the drama. I know it's v difficult but I would do my absolute best not to give her the satisfaction of seeing any distress.

She sounds an awful human being.

You need to detach yourself completely. What did you expect her to do by making her a coffee? I can't think of an outcome that would mean anything positive.

You're playing right into her hands. She could have cause to have police remove you now.

I would put the house up for sale asap.

Oh op shes a piece of work. Please stay away from her now. Dont do anything for her. Get a solicitor asap and start looking at selling the house.

I'm not surprised you snapped though. I felt the same when I shouted at my Dad before Christmas. 35+ years of calling me paranoid and he didn't feel he owed me two minutes to listen to me telling him why that shouldn't have happened. I yelled. But I felt so disappointed in myself, for the loss of control. Tapping in to the anger, I am not berating myself for that though. Sometimes the anger is good. It reminds you to have a bar, a standard. Reminds you to be in your own corner and take your own side.

That must have been frightening for your wife, even though you say you "launched it at the wall"

If you have read any other threads on MN, you will know that men are frightening when they display violence even to inanimate objects, because it displays that men could do it to the woman, if they wanted to

And you can't say you never lose your temper, can you? Because, you just did.

You need to apologise to your wife.
Then you need to leave her alone, until you can mutually agree to talk together.

You have been back in the house, what, one day, and you have tried to engage with her (when you said you wouldn't) and then, because she didn't do what you wanted (drink coffee you decided to make for her) you threw it at the wall?

I am sorry for what has happened to you over Christmas, but I do have to wonder, do you often get angry if she doesn't do what you want?

And yes, I recognise that is a different opinion to others put forward, but something made her ask you to leave on Christmas Eve. Something has caused all this, maybe you are totally blameless and she is toxic, or a narc, or had her head turned. Or maybe, it is due to thing(s) you have done or said.
Or a combination of both.

OP,

Honestly you were very wrong to do that.

Really twatish behaviour.

Completely disproportionate.

If you want to give her some extremely reasonable excuses to ask you to leave the home due to unreasonable behaviour, continue in that vein.

Get a grip.
Get your legal advice and cut the dramatics out.

You will be the loser in this.
She is way ahead of you in this.
Stop making it so easy for her.

I know it was wrong, completely.

Just to be clear though nobody was in the room, or even downstairs. And to answer the poster who questioned me, no I have never even raised a voice. Never.
Just 1 week ago my whole life collapsed. 1 week.

Stop making excuses.

It would be very easy for her to call police, say you've been violent (true) and she's fearful for her and her daughters' safety.

You're being very stupid allowing your emotions to get the better of you.