Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship with boss. Need friendly advice please.

153 replies

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 16:10

My boss made his feelings clear for me as soon as I started working for him two years ago. He’s not my normal type, much older, grey, very heavy but a lovely man. I’d come out of a relationship so I was very uncertain at first. Not long a after we became close emotionally he told me he was married and had been for over 20 years with no kids but that they aren’t close, live very separate lives, separate beds and no sex. We embarked on an emotional and intimate affair although not fully sexual as he’s impotent. We’re looking for a house for him to rent so that he can leave his wife but we’re struggling to find something suitable. I want him to tell her he wants a divorce pending finding a house, he wants to wait until he find a house so that he doesn’t have to live in an uncomfortable environment. I’m getting fed up of waiting, he says all the right things but no evidence of leaving other than looking for houses. Work will be incredibly hard as we work so closely as I’m his assistant and I love him dearly. Please give me some advice on what you think. I know there will be the usual, are you sure they don’t sleep together and aren’t close but yes, I’m 100% positive, far too long winded to go into detail. He had a lot of trauma in his early years with abuse etc and I know that making a decision which is such a change is hard for him but I’ve waited long enough. Do I hang son for a few more weeks to see how the housing market goes and test his promises or do I really look at whether I want to be in this relationship.

OP posts:
happytoday73 · 27/12/2020 16:12

I'd put your tin hat on OP.... this isn't going to go well.....

Sunflowergirl1 · 27/12/2020 16:13

What are you hoping to get out of a relationship with a much older, impotent married man? Sorry if this is blunt but I don't get it

Oh and you work for him which is worse.

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 16:15

@happytoday73

I'd put your tin hat on OP.... this isn't going to go well.....
Oh I realise that
OP posts:
UnsureAndUnsteady · 27/12/2020 16:17

You have been incredibly brave to post on here about such things. I think you know what you should do and you want MN to give you the push that you need.

If this man truly wanted to leave his wife and be with you then he would have done it. He hasn’t. That says the world! Anyone can look on Rightmove for a house and find reasons why they aren’t suitable, that is not showing any commitment to you at all. I would call it lip service and nothing more.

You were vulnerable when you got into this relationship but you aren’t now. Be strong for yourself and get yourself out of it!!!

Suzi888 · 27/12/2020 16:19

Could he move in with you? If not, I’d give it a few more weeks and call it a day.
I don’t think he will leave her. Hmm Time will tell.

EreLongDoneDoDoesDid · 27/12/2020 16:19

New year, new start. Look for a new job and when you get one make they break.

mrstea301 · 27/12/2020 16:20

This is very tricky! What is so difficult about finding a suitable house? Is this potentially a delaying tactic to string you along? And why do you want to be with him? Have you broached the subject of what would happen if this relationship implodes, as it appears that you would be left in an extremely vulnerable position!

It just seems to me that if he was so keen to be with you, his own comfort could be dropped down the priority list - there must be a million places that could be rented in the short term that would be suitable, it doesn't need to be perfect!! Is he putting himself out at all for this relationship? How will your employer view it? Will you have to resign once / if it all comes out? What's your plan?

Clymene · 27/12/2020 16:20

Well he's lying to you about wanting to leave his wife isn't he so I don't know why you're choosing to believe any more of his lies.

And he came on to you as soon as you started working for him? Eugh

gypsywater · 27/12/2020 16:22

Why do you want an older, "heavy", impotent boyfriend? Yuck.

Somethingkindaoooo · 27/12/2020 16:24

Oh boy....

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 16:27

Hmmm, moving in with me isn’t an option, I have two older teenage daughters and to go from him staying once or twice a week to permanently won’t do any of us any good. Very temporarily perhaps but there’s have to be a house on the way.

He currently lives in an incredibly large home and says he would happily live in a flat or house but we need furnished and over the last 2-3 months they have been incredibly scarce.

Regarding the job, he’s the MD of the business so if all went to plan we’d continue to keep things quiet until his rental of six months would be up, neither of us would need to leave, there is no policy against relationships in work.

I’ve thought about leaving the job so that I could move on in the event of a split but I’m on a good wage for my job and the area and id have to take a considerable pay cut to move which wouldn’t help my finances at all.

OP posts:
Omeara · 27/12/2020 16:27

If I wanted to move to be with someone I loved then I could probably find a dozen houses that would do the job, even if they were a shorter term prospect than I wanted.

He's not going to leave his wife but I think you already know that.

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 16:28

@gypsywater

Why do you want an older, "heavy", impotent boyfriend? Yuck.
I’d have asked me the same question two years ago but I fell in love with the person, I’ve always been like that.
OP posts:
Nomoresleeps · 27/12/2020 16:28

Eh? What are you doing?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2020 16:29

He's a creepy old man who has been playing you for a fool right from the start.

My boss made his feelings clear for me as soon as I started working for him two years ago.

Appalling, creepy and sexual harassment.

Not long a after we became close emotionally he told me he was married and had been for over 20 years with no kids but that they aren’t close, live very separate lives, separate beds and no sex

The oldest story in the book.

I’m getting fed up of waiting, he says all the right things but no evidence of leaving other than looking for houses.

He has absolutely no intention of leaving his wife. He "looks" at houses to keep you quiet and happy. Surely you must realise this by now?

Every minute you've spent with this deplorable cheater has been a waste. Stop being complicit in his infidelity and dump him.

Omeara · 27/12/2020 16:29

He currently lives in an incredibly large home and says he would happily live in a flat or house but we need furnished and over the last 2-3 months they have been incredibly scarce

You do realise that you can buy furniture for somewhere unfurnished!

emilybrontescorsett · 27/12/2020 16:29

Ask yourself this, if you were desperate to leave a partner how long would it take you to snap up a house/flat? The property doesn't even have to be a long term move. It's not like it has to house 6 kids and be within walking distance of a decent primary and secondary school does it? It is merely an escape route.

DM1209 · 27/12/2020 16:29

Older than you.
Overweight.
Impotent.
Unresolved issues.
Adulterer.

Wow OP you've landed on your feet with him!!

Seriously, leave him. Find your self esteem. Spend some time being single and stop settling as some fat, old, impotent mans bit on the side.

New year, new start - the timing could not be better.

gypsywater · 27/12/2020 16:29

He will never leave his wife OP. It's all total bullshit.

BIWI · 27/12/2020 16:30

Why are you doing this to another woman, when you've gone through all the pain of having it done to you?

AS is a very useful tool.

DM1209 · 27/12/2020 16:31

AND you have 2 teenage daughters who would be looking at you to set an example to them!!

Good grief.

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 16:32

@BIWI

Why are you doing this to another woman, when you've gone through all the pain of having it done to you?

AS is a very useful tool.

I agree with you. Someone very wise posted earlier, I need the push and you’re all helping give me strength
OP posts:
billy1966 · 27/12/2020 16:32

OP,

He's slime and you are being played.
Flowers

unicornparty · 27/12/2020 16:32

What the hell are you doing op? This is such a cliche. He's not going to leave his wife.

gypsywater · 27/12/2020 16:33

Also would you like his fat impotent ass if he wasnt a MD with an "incredibly big house"?! Nope.