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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship with boss. Need friendly advice please.

153 replies

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 16:10

My boss made his feelings clear for me as soon as I started working for him two years ago. He’s not my normal type, much older, grey, very heavy but a lovely man. I’d come out of a relationship so I was very uncertain at first. Not long a after we became close emotionally he told me he was married and had been for over 20 years with no kids but that they aren’t close, live very separate lives, separate beds and no sex. We embarked on an emotional and intimate affair although not fully sexual as he’s impotent. We’re looking for a house for him to rent so that he can leave his wife but we’re struggling to find something suitable. I want him to tell her he wants a divorce pending finding a house, he wants to wait until he find a house so that he doesn’t have to live in an uncomfortable environment. I’m getting fed up of waiting, he says all the right things but no evidence of leaving other than looking for houses. Work will be incredibly hard as we work so closely as I’m his assistant and I love him dearly. Please give me some advice on what you think. I know there will be the usual, are you sure they don’t sleep together and aren’t close but yes, I’m 100% positive, far too long winded to go into detail. He had a lot of trauma in his early years with abuse etc and I know that making a decision which is such a change is hard for him but I’ve waited long enough. Do I hang son for a few more weeks to see how the housing market goes and test his promises or do I really look at whether I want to be in this relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 19:22

@Bouledeneige

Does anyone actually know a married couple under 80 who stay together and sleep in separate beds?

Yes, my best friend and her younger husband actually

OP posts:

VodselForDinner · 27/12/2020 19:26

@AnyFucker

Impotent ? Heavy ? Much older than you ?

You'll be his carer when he has that stroke/ heart attack/other devastating health crisis.

His wife will be the lucky one.

She will when she inherits everything.

Men like these often leave for a younger maid woman, but seldom divorce, for financial reasons.

He’ll drop dead and the wife will get everything. Rightly.

Does he own the business, OP? Make sure to contribute to your pension because you might find yourself out on your ear when his wife takes over.

isthismylifenow · 27/12/2020 19:27

In answer to your initial question OP, I'd go with the latter.

He's not going to find a new place in a few weeks. Or ever.

Walk away now. For your own sake and for your DC.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 27/12/2020 19:27

Yes, my best friend and her younger husband actually

And are they blissfully happy OP or is their marriage dead in the water?

Original poster

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 19:31

@ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule

Yes, my best friend and her younger husband actually

And are they blissfully happy OP or is their marriage dead in the water?

She says she’s happy, she just doesn’t want to lie next to him in bed. It’s an odd concept to me but if it works for them...

OP posts:

Bouledeneige · 27/12/2020 19:32

Also OP how will you feel when you're 55 and he's 75? I'm 56 now and I'd not go near a 75 ye old. It's a huge gap to me.

LaurieFairyCake · 27/12/2020 19:39

You're about to get what every Other Woman 'deserves'

The moment your kids become independent fat impotent old boyfriend will have a stroke/heart attack and need care...

YOUR LIFE IS OVER

nosswith · 27/12/2020 19:39

He won't leave her. Is my guess.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2020 19:42

Was this done to you too OP? By your abusive ex and an OW I mean?

Do you think psychologically you feel a sense of power that now you're in the OW role?

If it's not that and you have been through it yourself then I can't imagine the cognitive dissonance it takes to continue seeing him when you know the damage it causes.

JohnMcClane · 27/12/2020 19:47

From the outside looking in it seems to me that you pinball from one shitty relationship to the next without giving yourself time to recover and understand why you're attracted to men who do not love you.

End it and spend some time alone to concentrate on yourself and your daughters, they are learning from you what is their self worth and what relationships are about.

Original poster

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 19:58

I text him to see if we could meet tomorrow and he agreed and then asked me what was it about? Told him my patience had run out (he would know exactly what that meant), he said ‘agreed, if I don’t trust him it’s never going to work’, ok I said, no need to meet tomorrow, he then asked if I trusted him, I said I did but was not waiting any longer for someone who wasn’t moving heaven and earth. He came up with something like, ‘well I have done something about it and I will leave’. I told him if he had done something then he hadn’t told me. ‘There you go, he says, you don’t trust me’. Told him there’s nothing more I can do and to believe what he wants, I’ve had enough.

OP posts:

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 27/12/2020 19:59

She says she’s happy, she just doesn’t want to lie next to him in bed. It’s an odd concept to me but if it works for them...

So apply that to your boss. The same could be true for him and his wife: separate beds but happy. It's just to you he feeds the line that it's because he doesn't love her. She may be as happy as your friend, and blissfully unaware there's a huge problem in her marriage - his adultery.

TwentyViginti · 27/12/2020 20:01

Oh he thinks you don't trust a cheating, lying married man

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2020 20:06

He's playing silly games from the latest update. It's not about trust. If my DH thought l was going to leave him because of his perceived inaction he would be sorting it out in a heartbeat.

Now you need to sort out alternative employment.

TheRealJeanLouise · 27/12/2020 20:09

she just doesn’t want to lie next to him in bed. It’s an odd concept to me but if it works for them...

Really? Even when you describe him OP he sounds revolting.

You’re obviously not happy with this arrangement, you say you know you’re wrong, you wouldn’t want it for your daughters, you’re taking comments on board. So, what are you going to do about it?

Original poster

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 20:10

@TheRealJeanLouise

she just doesn’t want to lie next to him in bed. It’s an odd concept to me but if it works for them...

Really? Even when you describe him OP he sounds revolting.

Read a few posts up

OP posts:

TheRealJeanLouise · 27/12/2020 20:10

Well, there you go then OP. I’d get job hunting if I were you.

Wanderlusto · 27/12/2020 20:10

So basically 'I'd like you to do the right thing already' is met with 'pft..you have issues'. Already a gaslighting, game playing head worker. Sack him off and mean it.

RAOK · 27/12/2020 20:13

How does he stay over at yours once or twice a week when he’s married? Where does his wife think he is? Don’t your kids wonder why you never stay at his?

HollowTalk · 27/12/2020 20:13

What reason did you give your daughters for not seeing him over Christmas?

zzizz · 27/12/2020 20:16

So you have a friend who sleeps in a separate room but thinks they're happy.

Wonder what she'd think of you assessing that situation and thinking that he was on the market.

He's trash OP and you're being an awful human being to another woman. Where is your compassion? Where is your sympathy? What went wrong in your head that this became an acceptable way to live?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2020 20:17

So you are going to have to start looking for a new job in the current climate? The risks involved in getting involved with your married boss were so great to not just your mental health and career trajectory but also to your daughters security due to you being a financial provider. I can't fathom how a proven liar was worth all this risk. But apparently he was to you.

Original poster

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 20:23

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I’ll respond to this... you have presumed my mental health, career trajectory and daughter’s security. Don’t presume. My mental health is better than ever, I’m no longer on antidepressants after being on them for four years. That has given me the clarity and strength to question this relationship. I will not have to leave my job because I will get on with the job I’m paid to do and therefore I will continue to be financially secure. If I can still be friends with my ex husband of 15 years who emotionally abused and controlled me then I will be able to get on with my job however painful it’ll be at the start.

OP posts:

tribpot · 27/12/2020 20:26

Given his existing health problems, I think he must know that within a few years he could be seriously ill and in need of someone to look after him. Who is the better bet, you who are young and have no real history with him, or his wife of twenty years? It will cost him an arm and a leg to divorce and then he's at far greater risk of being left on his own in his declining years.

He obviously can't tell you that he thinks it's too risky and expensive to leave his wife, hence the convoluted story about needing to rent somewhere furnished.

Imissmoominmama · 27/12/2020 20:28

You’ve said that you are intimate, and ‘don’t go without’, but does he get anything for himself from that side of the relationship? Is his impotence constant, or do things work one way (say, orally), but not another (PIV)?

I’m asking because he might well not be having sex at home, but might be quite content in every other way there. However, if he’s not having full sex with you, he could argue that point, if ever found out.

Does he get any sexual gratification from your relationship?

You don’t have to tell me, but have a think about it.

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