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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship with boss. Need friendly advice please.

153 replies

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 16:10

My boss made his feelings clear for me as soon as I started working for him two years ago. He’s not my normal type, much older, grey, very heavy but a lovely man. I’d come out of a relationship so I was very uncertain at first. Not long a after we became close emotionally he told me he was married and had been for over 20 years with no kids but that they aren’t close, live very separate lives, separate beds and no sex. We embarked on an emotional and intimate affair although not fully sexual as he’s impotent. We’re looking for a house for him to rent so that he can leave his wife but we’re struggling to find something suitable. I want him to tell her he wants a divorce pending finding a house, he wants to wait until he find a house so that he doesn’t have to live in an uncomfortable environment. I’m getting fed up of waiting, he says all the right things but no evidence of leaving other than looking for houses. Work will be incredibly hard as we work so closely as I’m his assistant and I love him dearly. Please give me some advice on what you think. I know there will be the usual, are you sure they don’t sleep together and aren’t close but yes, I’m 100% positive, far too long winded to go into detail. He had a lot of trauma in his early years with abuse etc and I know that making a decision which is such a change is hard for him but I’ve waited long enough. Do I hang son for a few more weeks to see how the housing market goes and test his promises or do I really look at whether I want to be in this relationship.

OP posts:

TheRealJeanLouise · 27/12/2020 18:29

Old, fat, married and impotent. What a catch

that they aren’t close, live very separate lives, separate beds and no sex

This is what they all say OP. Some sleazebag wrote a book on it thousands of years ago and they’ve all read it and follow it religiously. He’s seen you coming a mile off from the get go.

Do your teenage daughters know he’s married? I hope to god they don’t. What kind of example are you setting those young women?

Original poster

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 18:31

@TheRealJeanLouise

Old, fat, married and impotent. What a catch

that they aren’t close, live very separate lives, separate beds and no sex

This is what they all say OP. Some sleazebag wrote a book on it thousands of years ago and they’ve all read it and follow it religiously. He’s seen you coming a mile off from the get go.

Do your teenage daughters know he’s married? I hope to god they don’t. What kind of example are you setting those young women?

No they don’t know he’s married

OP posts:

TheRealJeanLouise · 27/12/2020 18:33

And you think they won’t find out? When the shit hits the fan they will and in the worst ways possible. It’ll be fucking hideous for them.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2020 18:33

Don't be a cliche. It's embarrassing. Think through the best and worst case scenario.

Best case scenario with this man:
You end up living with someone you love but who you know is capable of lying, planning a secret life with someone behind a partners back and being unprofessional enough to pursue his much younger assistant while married. You (due to him being much older') will end up caring for him to some extent if he lives to a relatively old age despite being unhealthy due to his weight.

Worst case scenario with this guy:
All of the above, plus not having a sexually fulfilling relationship together, an argument having the potential to involve you not only moving out of a shared home but also potentially losing your job either by being managed out of leaving to avoid having to see (and be managed by) an ex every day.

What would you want your daughters to do? Do that. Would you think this was a relationship they should think they deserve? A garden variety, woe is me cheater who trots out cliches? Jesus wept.

firecracker69 · 27/12/2020 18:34

If he truly loved you, he'd leave her. He clearly doesn't want to, or he would. And, he'd be happy to live anywhere if he wanted to be with you so badly.

TheRealJeanLouise · 27/12/2020 18:34

Honestly, the best thing you can do is dump him and live your life as if it never happened. He’ll sack you of course and you’ll need a new job. That’s how these scumbags work.

JohnMcClane · 27/12/2020 18:35

With respect OP and bear in mind this is the same kind of advice I would give to a friend. You need to pull your head out of your arse and open your eyes. You are becoming a cliche of a stereotype.

You say you have teenage daughters so surely you cannot be this naive. End it and stop embarrassing yourself.

hMG206 · 27/12/2020 18:37

I say take him OP!
Save his poor wife from this shit being in her life any longer

TwentyViginti · 27/12/2020 18:41

@hMG206

I say take him OP! Save his poor wife from this shit being in her life any longer

AND from being his carer in the near future

Wanderlusto · 27/12/2020 18:43

The thing is, its not about love, it's about respect.

He respects his wife of 20 years so little that he has been screwing about, intends to leave her and isn't even man enough to tell her until he has left. Thats really low and cowardly.

He also abused a position of power over a staff member to 'make his feelings ckear'. Again, no respect.

Everything else aside, he is spineless and only thinks about himself. Why would you choose to be with someone like this?

Not to mention, lower yourself to the position of the other woman. The woman who cheats with a married man.

A person should strive to maintain their moral integrity. Anyone who tries to steer you from that path, is a challenge for you to face down, not to embrace. You have kids too so think of the example you set for them with your choices.

Clearly he can talk the talk. But you should learn to see snakes when they behave snakelike.

You deserve better. You need to find the strength do right, not just by others but also, do right by you.

Regularsizedrudy · 27/12/2020 18:44

You don’t love him, he’s groomed you. He has no intention of leaving his wife, why would he, he has a nice life with her and a big lovely house as you say. You are wasting your life on a pathetic man.

JuneFromBethesda · 27/12/2020 18:49

@Somanysocks

And why does the Op deserve better? She has no morals either.

Agreed. And lying to her children as well. Unbelievable 😒

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2020 18:51

Love the idea that teenagers with internet access couldn't find out someone was married if they could be arsed to look on social media etc... there's naive OP and there's absolutely ridiculous!

Original poster

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 18:51

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Love the idea that teenagers with internet access couldn't find out someone was married if they could be arsed to look on social media etc... there's naive OP and there's absolutely ridiculous!

And equally naive to think everyone has social media.....

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2020 18:53

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Don't be a cliche. It's embarrassing. Think through the best and worst case scenario.

What would you want your daughters to do? Do that. Would you think this was a relationship they should think they deserve? A garden variety, woe is me cheater who trots out cliches? Jesus wept.

Any thoughts on this OP?

Thinking through best / worst case scenarios is a surprisingly effective way of making big decisions based on all the facts available.

celticmissey · 27/12/2020 18:58

He's telling you a load of lies OP. That's what a lot of these poor excuses of men say to their affair partner so they can have their cake and eat it. Wake up. He's playing you like a fool. I'm sure if you contact his wife she'd tell you a completely different story. He is playing the pair of you! wake up and smell the coffee!

Original poster

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 19:00

I agree with your best case scenario, not so much with your worst. I’m in the situation so know I won’t lose my job. He’d leave before I did as he’s close to retiring age and he’d find a job easier than I would.

I obviously wouldn’t want this for my daughters, you’re right there. The nasty comments are water off a ducks back to me, I know I’m in the wrong and I’ve only defended myself against those who suggested my motives are money, which they aren’t. I came out of an abusive relationship and low paid job and headed straight into a new job and a relationship I unsuccessfully tried not to get into, with a man whom I naively thought was married as a business arrangement but which was just the way he described it. Here I am two years later asking for and listening to everything everyone has to say and I appreciate the honesty whether I agree with all the comments or not.

OP posts:

Sunshinesky1981 · 27/12/2020 19:01

Sorry if I missed it OP, but this has been going on 2 years. How long has he supposedly been looking for somewhere to live?

I'm not going to jump on you for falling in love with someone, the heart wants what it wants and all that, but from personal experience I dont believe this is going to work. If he really wanted to be with you, then he would be. He would have separated and got a rental. It doesnt need to be furnished. You can get the basics from argos/IKEA/facebook as cheap as possible within a couple of days. Really, he is putting off being with you for the cost of some second hand furniture?

I remember reading somewhere that with affairs if the man hasn't left his partner within 4-6 months then it very rarely happens. It's easy to talk about the future in a fantasy way. But when faced with the reality of it, I dont think it's going to happen

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/12/2020 19:04

He told me he was married and had been for over 20 years with no kids but that they aren’t close, live very separate lives, separate beds and no sex

Oh god, not again ...

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 27/12/2020 19:05

I'm astounded anyone still falls for the separate-beds-she-means-nothing-to-me line. Really?!

Bouledeneige · 27/12/2020 19:07

Does anyone actually know a married couple under 80 who stay together and sleep in separate beds?

firecracker69 · 27/12/2020 19:11

You said you came out of an abusive relationship and then went straight into this affair. Have you had anytime to be by yourself to heal from the previous relationship?

Bouledeneige · 27/12/2020 19:11

I was married to an adulterer OP who had an affair with a woman 20 years younger than him. I'd never dream of doing that to another woman. It's totally heart breaking and destroying. So cruel.

My DC 18 and 20 despise women who sleep with other peoples' husbands and they live with the consequences as well as me.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2020 19:16

@firecracker69

You said you came out of an abusive relationship and then went straight into this affair. Have you had anytime to be by yourself to heal from the previous relationship?

And your daughters to do so too, OP. They were exposed to an abusive and toxic relationship. They deserve to see healthy relationship behaviour modelled by the adults in their life, not exposure to another lying cheating man. They will think all men are like that and therefore tolerate similar behaviour or think they are only worth being in a relationship with a lack of respect, honesty and kindness.

I'm not saying that to be nasty, I'm really not and I hope you don't take it that way. It's not your fault your ex was abusive - at all - the fact is though that your girls have already been exposed to unhealthy relationship dynamics and no good can come from them being exposed to another unhealthy one.

And however you dress it up, all of this is far from healthy and you must know that to have started the thread.

Mintjulia · 27/12/2020 19:21

Last time I really needed to move me & DS, I found a flat, and a full time childminder, took possession of the tenancy, moved 85 miles and started a new job in five weeks. And I did it on a breathlessly tight budget. It just takes an absolute will.

This man is an MD, he has financial resources and 'can't find anything'. Sorry but I think you're being had. You deserve better.

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