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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship with boss. Need friendly advice please.

153 replies

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 16:10

My boss made his feelings clear for me as soon as I started working for him two years ago. He’s not my normal type, much older, grey, very heavy but a lovely man. I’d come out of a relationship so I was very uncertain at first. Not long a after we became close emotionally he told me he was married and had been for over 20 years with no kids but that they aren’t close, live very separate lives, separate beds and no sex. We embarked on an emotional and intimate affair although not fully sexual as he’s impotent. We’re looking for a house for him to rent so that he can leave his wife but we’re struggling to find something suitable. I want him to tell her he wants a divorce pending finding a house, he wants to wait until he find a house so that he doesn’t have to live in an uncomfortable environment. I’m getting fed up of waiting, he says all the right things but no evidence of leaving other than looking for houses. Work will be incredibly hard as we work so closely as I’m his assistant and I love him dearly. Please give me some advice on what you think. I know there will be the usual, are you sure they don’t sleep together and aren’t close but yes, I’m 100% positive, far too long winded to go into detail. He had a lot of trauma in his early years with abuse etc and I know that making a decision which is such a change is hard for him but I’ve waited long enough. Do I hang son for a few more weeks to see how the housing market goes and test his promises or do I really look at whether I want to be in this relationship.

OP posts:
CorvusPurpureus · 27/12/2020 17:14

How do you think he'd react if you said that you'd both been daydreaming & obviously this isn't going anywhere, so best to go back to a strictly professional boss/PA relationship, ditch the affair & pretend it never happened?

Would he take it on the chin, or would you find yourself job hunting?

Because if for a moment it's the latter, he's a predatory sleaze. & if it's the former, he's just a sad dishonest git who's slept walked into an affair whilst having no actual respect for a) his wife & b) you.

Either way, you need to chuck him back in the pond.

tenbob · 27/12/2020 17:15

Btw, they never leave their wives
You’re an absolute mug to think otherwise

Jinglingandnotmingling · 27/12/2020 17:18

His poor wife...

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 27/12/2020 17:20

He's married
Impotent
"Heavier" (euphemism??)

What a great catch.....🙄

gypsywater · 27/12/2020 17:21

I would be genuinely offended if I got a new job and someone like this fancied me and thought he was in with a chance! Like WTAF.

VodselForDinner · 27/12/2020 17:21

Your self-esteem must be incredibly low given you’re settled for someone else’s unattractive, old, impotent husband.

Groundhogdayzz · 27/12/2020 17:24

You can do better, you deserve someone who will put you first and make you their priority. He has no children and could easily afford to move out and rent, he hasn’t because he doesn’t want to. Please don’t waste another hour of your time waiting for this excuse of a man.

HollowTalk · 27/12/2020 17:24

He's had the biggest incentive to lose weight and get his health sorted, knowing that he could have sex with you. He hasn't done that, has he?

I just can't see what you're getting out of this. It's hard to believe that money isn't a factor.

What do you think your best friend would say? What would your daughters say if they knew he was married?

Stationfork · 27/12/2020 17:25

OP if he wanted to, he could view a flat today, sign on the line and get a bed, mattress and bedding delivered on amazon prime by tomorrow.

If he felt that strongly about doing it, he would be doing everything to make it happen.

The fact he hasn't, is a sign that he doesn't intend to leave his wife for you.

I don't have an issue with the age gap, or even that he's your boss but the sex less relationship will absolutely ruin your future and you'll resent him.

Don't move him in whatever you do

Siepie · 27/12/2020 17:26

He's lying to his wife and to you.

Even if there are no furnished properties (unlikely), you can get a bed frame for £35 at IKEA. Surely that's affordable to an MD? If he wanted to leave, he would.

SarahBellam · 27/12/2020 17:34

If he wanted to leave her, he’d have left her. No question.

TwnklTwnklLittleStarfighter · 27/12/2020 17:36

He’s not even just struggling to chose between his wife and you, he’s struggling to chose between his nice house and you. Seems you are pretty far down the pecking order for him! Sorry OP.

WhatsErFace2020 · 27/12/2020 17:47

Sorry OP - There was a thread Recently ‘grass wasn’t greener’ or something sure someone can link it for you. Have a read through all of it.
I’m saddened that at no point have you mentioned his wife in all this?? 🤨 so odd?

Aside from poor Mrs Impotent - he is 15-20 years older than you...By the time your children will be gaining independence - you’ll then be responsible for him - is he really such a catch?

Read the thread I mentioned - Don’t give him an ultimatum, in fact don’t mention him leaving his wife at all (I bet he goes quiet on the subject if you don’t mention it) and Start looking For another job....

evenBetter · 27/12/2020 17:53

Why do people keep saying OP ‘deserves better’? 😂😂😂
Sounds dreamy-predatory adulterer whose dick doesn’t work. I hope his wife takes him to the cleaners.

WhatsErFace2020 · 27/12/2020 17:55

@evenBetter

Why do people keep saying OP ‘deserves better’? 😂😂😂 Sounds dreamy-predatory adulterer whose dick doesn’t work. I hope his wife takes him to the cleaners.
🤣😂😅 Every woman’s fairytale
RantyAnty · 27/12/2020 17:59

I hope you've at least gotten pay rises and a promotion from this.

PennineSpring · 27/12/2020 18:01

He’s having his cake and eating it. If he wanted to be with just you, he’d have done something about it by now.
At the moment he’s got a wife in a big house who no doubt doesn’t the domestic work because he’s a MD of he’s own company. He’s also got a younger girlfriend on the side.
Why would he want to give up this scenario?

You deserve more. You deserve someone better.

ChronicallyCurious · 27/12/2020 18:09

OP- if he wanted to be with you then he would already be with you.

CuppaZa · 27/12/2020 18:11

You want a heavy, impotent man with no loyalty or respect? Or....do you want his money and a nice lifestyle??

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 27/12/2020 18:16

So, if he did actually come through with a flat he won't, he just enjoys the fantasy, you'd have to put up with everything he did because you'd not just be single, you'd be homeless and jobless without a reference?

Or are you just supposed to visit for the occasional booty call?

He's lying to you as much as he is lying to his wife. He's got too much to lose to risk it on you.

Pebbledashery · 27/12/2020 18:18

OP.. You're brave.
Only thing I can say to you is... You aren't the first.. And you certainly will not be the last. Have some more self worth than this.
Think of his wife also. You're about to destroy his marriage.

Somanysocks · 27/12/2020 18:19

He sounds like a catch, who wouldn't go for it? Confused

livefornaps · 27/12/2020 18:22

Tell mr Floppy Dick to sling his hook, although he probably couldn't muster any hook slinging either.

Somanysocks · 27/12/2020 18:23

And why does the Op deserve better? She has no morals either.

AnyFucker · 27/12/2020 18:29

Impotent ? Heavy ? Much older than you ?

You'll be his carer when he has that stroke/ heart attack/other devastating health crisis.

His wife will be the lucky one.