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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship with boss. Need friendly advice please.

153 replies

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 16:10

My boss made his feelings clear for me as soon as I started working for him two years ago. He’s not my normal type, much older, grey, very heavy but a lovely man. I’d come out of a relationship so I was very uncertain at first. Not long a after we became close emotionally he told me he was married and had been for over 20 years with no kids but that they aren’t close, live very separate lives, separate beds and no sex. We embarked on an emotional and intimate affair although not fully sexual as he’s impotent. We’re looking for a house for him to rent so that he can leave his wife but we’re struggling to find something suitable. I want him to tell her he wants a divorce pending finding a house, he wants to wait until he find a house so that he doesn’t have to live in an uncomfortable environment. I’m getting fed up of waiting, he says all the right things but no evidence of leaving other than looking for houses. Work will be incredibly hard as we work so closely as I’m his assistant and I love him dearly. Please give me some advice on what you think. I know there will be the usual, are you sure they don’t sleep together and aren’t close but yes, I’m 100% positive, far too long winded to go into detail. He had a lot of trauma in his early years with abuse etc and I know that making a decision which is such a change is hard for him but I’ve waited long enough. Do I hang son for a few more weeks to see how the housing market goes and test his promises or do I really look at whether I want to be in this relationship.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2020 20:29

Risk. I presumed a risk to your mental health, career and daughters financial security. You may not feel those things have even / will be affected. That's your prerogative. But you have absolutely put them at risk.

In my personal opinion it is unhealthy to be 'friends' with someone who has abused you in the past. Being civil and coparenting is necessary and admirable. Being friends shows a lack of healthy boundaries as the man abused you.

I'm so sorry you went through that and I'm glad your boss has shown himself to be all talk, please please don't reconsider now you say it's done. You need not have any contact that isn't directly related to work and hopefully he can respect that.

You've dodged a bullet but I do think it would be beneficial to maybe consider some counselling to bolster your boundaries as this was so risky and so unlikely to work but went on for a long time.

You are worth more.

Ginmonkey84 · 27/12/2020 20:32

He’s giving you the run around OP. This man has zero intentions of leaving his wife. He’s dangling you like a puppet and you need to cut the strings. He clearly doesn’t feel the way you do, if he did this would never have been an issue. He would have left and moved heaven and earth to be with you, surely you know that? Walk away

zzizz · 27/12/2020 20:37

You're mad to assume he'd be the same person to you after a breakup, or that other people in the company would either.

Original poster

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 20:38

@zzizz

You're mad to assume he'd be the same person to you after a breakup, or that other people in the company would either.

I suppose without knowing him, me or the company who don’t know about us, you’d assume what you say. You’d be wrong though.

OP posts:

zzizz · 27/12/2020 20:44

Uh huh, so the married shit guy who literally is living the script with you will actually be a turn up for the books in another when you end it?

Come off it. He's treated his wife like shit, why not you?

And once again, how can you do this to her? You apparently know what this is like. Why would you be okay with behaving this way?

AnyFucker · 27/12/2020 20:44

Expect your P45 any time soon

LonelyBlueBauble · 27/12/2020 20:46

He probably doesn't want to wash his own pants.

There, I said it. Does his wife work? I have a feeling she does all the domestic drudge work, laundry, shopping, cooking dinner and all the housework. Leaving sounds great but the reality is he doesn't want to leave because he will be responsible for looking after himself.

He knows you do all this sort of stuff for yourself and your children anyway, he is just waiting for you to take over his laundry and cooking his meals.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2020 20:48

You can be snippy with people saying he is going to treat you badly work wise now you've ended the relationship @lippyliz but you've hardly shown yourself to be a good judge of character when it comes to him, or a good predictor of his behaviour considering you've spent so long thinking he will come good on his promises.

You need to get yourself prepared for the next steps and I think counselling and looking for new jobs would be high on your agenda. And hey, if he really is as great as you say (despite being a cheat and liar) he can give you a great reference when you find a job that doesn't involve you having to see him every day.

Original poster

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 20:49

@LonelyBlueBauble

He probably doesn't want to wash his own pants.

He knows you do all this sort of stuff for yourself and your children anyway, he is just waiting for you to take over his laundry and cooking his meals.

Presumptuous again... she runs her own business, is very business focused and they have cleaners, dog walkers etc. So no, she doesn’t do what you think.

If you’d read the thread, I’ve ended it.

OP posts:

Original poster

lippyliz · 27/12/2020 20:55

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You can be snippy with people saying he is going to treat you badly work wise now you've ended the relationship *@lippyliz* but you've hardly shown yourself to be a good judge of character when it comes to him, or a good predictor of his behaviour considering you've spent so long thinking he will come good on his promises.

I think I’ve been rather restrained if I’m being honest. I’m happy to hear peoples thoughts but I won’t be criticised for choosing to respond to some people.

I’ve received a lot of consistently good and harsh advice and I’m grateful for that and it’s helped me come to my decision, I’ve generally ignored the nasty comments cos it doesn’t affect me like they’d like it to but presuming my future or my state of mind is just silly and I’ve responded to some of those comments.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/12/2020 21:13

You can do better than this, op. Any woman could.

Regularsizedrudy · 27/12/2020 21:17

Oh for gods sake op. You dared to question him with those messages and he’s already got shitty with you. Do you honestly think if you ended this he would take it on the chin and carry on letting you work in peace? Of course not! He hounded you when you got the job to get his way and he’ll force you out when you are no longer of use to him. Your mental health is not great because you’d have to be fucked in the head to think any of this is a good idea, or to be friends with your former abuser for that matter. Face up to what he is and get your self some therapy.

TheRealJeanLouise · 27/12/2020 21:27

You need to wake up OP otherwise you’re going to be up shit creek without a paddle to your name. It’s ironic that you have defended yourself virulently about not being with him for his money but are likely to be in a position very soon, where leaving him will mean you’ll be without a job and ergo, his money.

Every poster here has called it. We don’t need to know him. He’s such a heavy impotent cliche the whole world can see it coming. The only one that can’t is you.

HerMammy · 27/12/2020 22:22

I think you’re incredibly naive in your comments that your work won’t be affected by breaking up with him, he will manage you right out the door to make way for some other gullible ‘PA’.
Make the first move and get job hunting, there’s no way this man will tolerate you ending this.

SunshineCake · 27/12/2020 22:28

@evenBetter

Why do people keep saying OP ‘deserves better’? 😂😂😂 Sounds dreamy-predatory adulterer whose dick doesn’t work. I hope his wife takes him to the cleaners.

I'm not sure someone who more or less shags someone else husband deserves better. She's behaving badly as he is.

Onthedunes · 28/12/2020 00:30

You seem to be offended by the money aspect of this thread, posters implying your a gold digger.

But in all honesty what other goods points doe's he have?
Over weight, impotent, married, a liar, a cheat, a procrastinator.

His enormous house and MD status seems to be the only plus points, other than his predadtory sparking personality.

You have been groomed , he saw you coming, did he actually interview you for the job?
God in heaven surely you can do better than him, respect yourself more, let people speak about you favourably, instead of being labelled the OW.

Your children will not respect or admire you for this.
I he worth it?

I would say the only gain is if you think he will split his money with his wife and the future holds a sizable inheritance from this fat man.

You will have also ruined his wife's life, both of you together.

MsDogLady · 28/12/2020 00:37

So he tried to manipulate you by shifting the blame with ‘If you don’t trust me it’s never going to work.’

You have chosen a surprising path, OP. You’ve previously cautioned other posters to not get involved with married men, having been on the receiving end of cheating. Your daughters were mired in the toxicity of their dad’s infidelity. They actually saw messages from his OW and he lied to them about going NC with her. They were well aware of his harmful, manipulative behavior toward all three of you.

Now you’ve been deceiving your girls about this man’s marital status. Wouldn’t they feel let down that you’ve actually been an OW and, therefore, complicit in harming another woman? I hope you will stick with your decision to end this.

Descant · 28/12/2020 00:38

Gosh, OP, you’re living the fairytale.

BritInAus · 28/12/2020 00:50

I think you’re extremely naive if you don’t think you need to be looking for a new job, immediately. If you’ve actually just ended the relationship, why on earth would he keep you on?

1WildPartridgeInAPearTree · 28/12/2020 00:57

In your heart - do you really think that he will ever leave his wife for you?

If he wanted to - and if he was telling the truth about his relationship with his wife, then he would already be with you.

Waiting for the right house - the right moment - the right... This is such a cliched script. None of these are reasons with any weight.

evenBetter · 28/12/2020 00:58

I know, people keep saying the OP ‘deserves better’ 🤣 like, nah, she does not. But the filthy adulterers wife DOES.

Opentooffers · 28/12/2020 01:03

It's simple, after 2 years, he would of done something by now if he was going to. Assuming somehow you know his impotence is not just with you, consider that this has to do with you having been abused, and him having been abused. Has your abuse led to you not being bothered or interested in a sexual relationship ever again ? A frustrating future if not. Did he tell you of his abuse before you you divulged yours or could he have been manipulating you? It sounds like he's chucked you a bone to keep you interested by dangling the house suggestion, but it's not, and will not materialize, it's good you've called his bluff. "Trust me" is not enough, you already know he's not trustworthy. He'd have to act to prove trust is well-founded. He'd rather not bother I suspect. I bet your not the first, there will be good reason why his wife and him lead separate lives.Past misdemeanor per chance ?

Fearandsurprise · 28/12/2020 02:20

Well done on finishing it with him. Work on your self-respect and, when you are looking for another relationship, look at single men instead. For your sake, for the sake of others, and to set a better example to your children.

OfTheNight · 28/12/2020 06:47

I’m glad you told him you’ve had enough. I think he’s displaying the usual delay tactics - can’t find the ‘right’ place, telling you he’s ‘done something’ but not expressly stating what. You could be in this situation for a long time, waiting for it to progress and him spinning it out.

If you’ve lived with someone controlling, you’ll understand what it is to be manipulated. This guy is doing the same thing, manipulating you to do as he wants.

billy1966 · 28/12/2020 11:00

OP,
Just protect yourself.

Don't be managed out of a well paid job.

Keep it professional with him and don't be drawn into arguing.

Keep it calm and for the best.

Even something like it "wouldn't have worked with my girls"....anything to take the heat out of the situation so you are not put at a disadvantage work wise.

Keep all your texts too, for proof you have ended things.

He is not an honourable man, so don't expect him to have your best interests at heart.
He is completely focused on his needs and whats best for him.

Best of luck.

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