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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'D'H threatened me but was it my fault?

174 replies

Londono · 26/12/2020 19:49

Long backstory but to cut it short - DH doesn't pull his weight. I've had a very busy and stressful year (NHS frontline work) and his work has been very quiet although he hasn't been furloughed.

I did the majority of the Christmas prep and cooking yesterday. Asked him to sort the final baking trays full of grease etc and this morning I discovered he hadn't done it, he had put the main one outside the back door. I discovered this by me stepping out onto it and slipping over.

I am not proud at all but I called him 'fucking lazy' and he said 'If you say that again, I will drag you out of this house by your hair'.

He has never threatened me before and I KNOW I shouldn't have called him lazy but did it deserve that response? He has not apologised but I haven't either tbf.

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 26/12/2020 19:51

Yuk. I would leave. There is no way I would accept being spoken to like that. It is not on the same level as what you said.

twistedkaleidoscope · 26/12/2020 19:51

No you didn't do anything wrong he is a lazy sod.

mooncats · 26/12/2020 19:52

No, men don't ever get to threaten women with violence because they can and they may cause serious harm .

Menstrualcycledisplayteam · 26/12/2020 19:52

You cant really think it was your fault? He is lazy and you told him so, instead of apologising (which he should have done), he threatened you with violence. Get rid, he sounds a waste of oxygen. Good luck.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 26/12/2020 19:53

Furthermore as I am sure others will say, first they threaten...then they do.

That is not a 'normal' thought for him to have and that is why I would leave.

Cockenspiel · 26/12/2020 19:53

You: told the truth (in a somewhat offensive way).
He: threatened you with physical violence.

What would you tell a friend to do here?

He clearly is a lazy cunt who likes to threaten his wife with assault, Confused

jessstan1 · 26/12/2020 19:54

You did not deserve that response at all, he was lazy. I hope he didn't mean it. I can't understand why he put a baking tray outside the back door!

You have to call a truce somehow.

Sosigsandwich · 26/12/2020 19:54

Absolutely unacceptable. I would be out the door.

Dery · 26/12/2020 19:55

That is a really nasty comment. That tells you that he thinks it’s okay to threaten a woman with physical violence. My DH and I row sometimes and it can get heated - we may swear for example - but in 20+ years, he has never said anything like that. Is there anything stopping you moving on? He sounds like a nasty waste of space.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 26/12/2020 19:58

He was lazy and you were not wrong to tell him so. He's a disgusting person and I wouldn't be able to carry on in the relationship. Flowers

madcatladyforever · 26/12/2020 20:03

I'd have called him worse than that and if he'd threatened me I'd have called the police and had him slung out of the house.

Cherrysoup · 26/12/2020 20:05

Id have told him to fucking try it and see what happens-straight on the phone to the police. What are you going to do, OP?

Cherryberrypies · 26/12/2020 20:07

No matter what you said he threatened you with physical violence which is unacceptable. Calling someone fucking lazy, for being lazy, is nothing compared to what he said to you.

whoamongstus · 26/12/2020 20:11

That's horrendous. What a grim thing to threaten your wife with.

Original poster
Londono · 26/12/2020 20:13

I don't know. I feel like he turns everything round on me and although I know it is an outrageous thing to say to someone, I do feel worn down by it all. He says I always look for problems and make an atmosphere in the house.

He put the tray outside the back door because I had said it smelt. So rather than actually deal with it by washing it up, he just moved the problem - lazy as I said.

I can't even believe he hasn't apologised.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 26/12/2020 20:15

Appalling thing for him to say. That is a very real threat to you to make sure you don't call him out on his crap behaviour again. This really has alarm bells ringing for me.

Drogonssmile · 26/12/2020 20:17

He's a lazy twat.

Regularsizedrudy · 26/12/2020 20:17

It’s hardly outrageous when he is, in fact, fucking lazy. What IS outrageous is threatening your partner - who you are supposed to love - with physical violence. He is scum, absolutely disgusting. My partner would never NEVER say something like that to me.

Ched1 · 26/12/2020 20:19

That’s awful Hmm My fiancé would never say anything like that to me..

Original poster
Londono · 26/12/2020 20:20

Is this enough to leave him over though? We are best friends when things are good.

OP posts:
rollinggreenhills · 26/12/2020 20:25

Yes, it is enough. It only takes one straw to break the camel's back.

My exH used to tell me it was my fault that he hit me, because I'd made him angry.

Original poster
Londono · 26/12/2020 20:27

Oh I'm sorry @rollinggreenhills.

This doesn't sound as bad as that to me but it was a nasty thing to say.

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 26/12/2020 20:28

@Londono

Is this enough to leave him over though? We are best friends when things are good.
You mean - "He is quiet and sometimes pleasant when I do all the work and don't ask him to do anything. When I cook and clean while working and he can watch tv and play games while on furlough. If I just am better and quieter and work harder and bring in more money then he won't be angry." He is NOT your friend. That's like saying a tiger in your house is a pet! If you have to walk on eggshells, then you need to get out!
smeerf · 26/12/2020 20:29

Get rid of him! And if anyone asks why, tell them he threatened to assault you. I guarantee no-one will think that's unreasonable.

You don't deserve to live like this.

girlmummy25 · 26/12/2020 20:35

People on here need to stop saying 'leave him' as the first thing for every single relationship issue!
Talk to him, tell him thats not acceptable and what you will do if he ever does that again (i.e leave etc, if thats how you feel)
Tell him he needs to pull his weight and if after all that he is still isnt helping or is still talking nasty then you need to decide if thats what you want to stay with or not

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