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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'D'H threatened me but was it my fault?

174 replies

Londono · 26/12/2020 19:49

Long backstory but to cut it short - DH doesn't pull his weight. I've had a very busy and stressful year (NHS frontline work) and his work has been very quiet although he hasn't been furloughed.

I did the majority of the Christmas prep and cooking yesterday. Asked him to sort the final baking trays full of grease etc and this morning I discovered he hadn't done it, he had put the main one outside the back door. I discovered this by me stepping out onto it and slipping over.

I am not proud at all but I called him 'fucking lazy' and he said 'If you say that again, I will drag you out of this house by your hair'.

He has never threatened me before and I KNOW I shouldn't have called him lazy but did it deserve that response? He has not apologised but I haven't either tbf.

OP posts:
Original poster
Londono · 26/12/2020 20:39

@girlmummy25 - LTB isn't an easy option for many women, I agree. I think what gets me down the most though is that he hasn't apologised - I am utterly shocked by what he said but we've clearly got to the point where he ISN'T sorry because in his mind it is my fault.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 26/12/2020 20:39

not nice-ive been called lazy i am to be fair but i dont threaten to drag someone out by their hair for saying it

sounds like he doesnt do his fair share any of the time

slipperywhensparticus · 26/12/2020 20:42

Whose house is it?

And personally I would leave for this its unacceptable his first response should have been sorry are you OK?

WhatKatyDidNxt · 26/12/2020 20:45

@Cherrysoup yeah l would have dared him to try it and then phoned the police if he had. If he wasn’t lazy, then you wouldn’t have to tell him he’s lazy. I would be tempted to throw the towel in, failing that an apology and him stepping up (not just making slightly more effort and then slipping back into his lazy arse ways 1.5 weeks in)

EarthSight · 26/12/2020 20:48

Not only was it a threat of violence but it was also a pretty graphic one that he seems to have given real thought to - you are dragged out out of your own home by your hair, an incredibly painful thing that would leave you shrieking and grabbing on to your to his hand to stop him from ripping out clumps of it. It's a form of violence pretty unique to women. You are then dragged on to the street, out of your own fucking home to show you who's boss and to humiliate you.

He has already asserted his dominance by saying this threat. When a man plays that card, it should be the end of the relationship in my opinion. He has shown is willing to use the threat of violence to control your behavior. Even if he didn't mean it, it's pathetic.

Tal45 · 26/12/2020 20:50

I would have said it again right there in his face. I can't see why you shouldn't have called him lazy. He cannot control you with threats of violence.
You need to talk about this. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and he needs to understand that and apologise. This seems like there might be a bigger issue though than you calling him lazy for him to react so badly (if that's not how he normally reacts) does he feel useless because he's not doing much at work for example. Perhaps a reason (but not an excuse) for his very bad behaviour.Perhaps you need to work out together who will do what when it comes to chores x

EarthSight · 26/12/2020 20:55

Also, I think you should take in a valuable message here - he is not sorry for what he said and what he threatened to do. That in itself is another layer of shocking. He doesn't care about his own menacing behavior, because being threatening is exactly what he intended to do.

I think there are loads of women on her who go 'abuse' at the first sign of negative behavior see, but don't listen to @girlmummy25 . This shouldn't be smoothed over. You don't talk through a threat like that. If you do, don't be surprised to experience more incidents and more situations where he feels justified to behave like that. I'd be temped to say 'thanks, but I don't want to be in a relationship anymore with a thuggish chav who makes physical threats against women. I deserve better than that'.

Lemonpiano · 26/12/2020 20:58

Abusive men believe they are justified to abuse.

He hasn't apologised because he meant what he said and he feels entitled to threaten you with violence.

Think about that.

It doesn't matter if things are good in between him blaming you for his shitty behaviour and threatening you with violence. All abusive relationships alternate nice times with abuse - that's how they keep control of you.

If you stay, one day when you stand up to him he will use physical violence to "put you back in your place", not just the threat of it.

If you stay, I expect things will be quiet for a while because you'll be walking on eggshells afraid of his reaction - so he'll have no need to kick off to put you back in your place.

You don't threaten someone you love with violence.

DrMorbius · 26/12/2020 20:59

He has already asserted his dominance by saying this threat. When a man plays that card, it should be the end of the relationship in my opinion. He has shown is willing to use the threat of violence to control your behavior. Even if he didn't mean it, it's pathetic

I completely agree with this ^^ you DP is pathetic.

I bet if a guy I train with (big Bob, 6'5, 16+ stones, personal security professional) called your DP lazy, the very last thing your DP would say is some crap about dragging him outside. Your DP is a coward and a bully.

EreLongDoneDoDoesDid · 26/12/2020 20:59

Going to go against the grain here and say that whilst it’s not on AT ALL that he said that, if he has no history of nastiness let alone violence he just reacted (unacceptably) to what you said, which I imagine hit him hard because he knows it’s true.

I’d be having strong words and wouldn’t be apologising (but would be expecting an apology myself) but I wouldn’t actually leave over this if this is the first hint in the marriage of any kind of bad behaviour.

Lemonpiano · 26/12/2020 21:02

@girlmummy25

People on here need to stop saying 'leave him' as the first thing for every single relationship issue! Talk to him, tell him thats not acceptable and what you will do if he ever does that again (i.e leave etc, if thats how you feel) Tell him he needs to pull his weight and if after all that he is still isnt helping or is still talking nasty then you need to decide if thats what you want to stay with or not
Threatening someone with violence following protracted shitty behaviour is not "talking nasty" or a "single relationship issue".

I think there are too many people who tell women in abusive, volatile and dangerous situations to stay.

Isthisit22 · 26/12/2020 21:02

[quote Londono]@girlmummy25 - LTB isn't an easy option for many women, I agree. I think what gets me down the most though is that he hasn't apologised - I am utterly shocked by what he said but we've clearly got to the point where he ISN'T sorry because in his mind it is my fault.[/quote]
This is why people are telling you to leave. Not because he said something in the heat of the moment: because he is not sorry for what he said. No, he is not sorry because he means it. He will hit you one day

katy1213 · 26/12/2020 21:03

You've got a job - he hasn't, or he's hanging onto it bu his fingernails. You'll manage without him and he can leave any future baking trays in the garden to see if the fairies wash them.
I doubt it's worth talking to a man like this.

Lemonpiano · 26/12/2020 21:07

@EreLongDoneDoDoesDid

Going to go against the grain here and say that whilst it’s not on AT ALL that he said that, if he has no history of nastiness let alone violence he just reacted (unacceptably) to what you said, which I imagine hit him hard because he knows it’s true.

I’d be having strong words and wouldn’t be apologising (but would be expecting an apology myself) but I wouldn’t actually leave over this if this is the first hint in the marriage of any kind of bad behaviour.

Did you read the op's posts that clearly show it's not the "first hint ... Of any kind of bad behaviour" but an escalation ? For example:

I feel like he turns everything round on me and although I know it is an outrageous thing to say to someone, I do feel worn down by it all. He says I always look for problems and make an atmosphere in the house.

I don't care if people don't bother to read properly when it's a chat about meringue or something but when it's about something as potentially dangerous as this to wade in with these comments? No, that's not ok.

cherrypie790 · 26/12/2020 21:10

Why are you running yourself ragged when he is so lazy?

If he can't be arsed, why are you?

mooncats · 26/12/2020 21:12

He says I always look for problems

Classic abuser line

Original poster
Londono · 26/12/2020 21:13

It isn't the first thing he has done - he has punched doors before when angry (but that was 10 years ago so doesn't seem relevant)

The problem is that he is 'fucking lazy' which is why I said it and why he reacted so badly. He doesn't respond to discussions about sharing the load more equally as he says I go looking for issue and he does a lot but I just don't see it (could be possible but there is always more to do! Housework isn't my hobby)

House is in joint names. I don't feel like I want to leave him but I DO want him to take ownership of his poor behaviour but he blames me for it every time and we have always argued first.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 26/12/2020 21:15

If he says it is something he will do, one day he might.

I was rearranged because I didn’t agree with him. He’d muttered the odd threat. I’d had one slap. I didn’t listen. I didn’t pay attention.

I regret that.

SuitedandBooted · 26/12/2020 21:18

Not apologising shows that he really thinks that he has done nothing wrong. That is the crux of the matter.
In his head , it's YOUR fault, and you are a nasty back-chatting bitch who deserves his anger.

I would end my marriage if my husband treated me like that. You have a secure job, he does not. You work all hours, he does not. You shouldn't have to come home and deal with such a lazy, pathetic man-child, who clearly thinks basic domestic tasks are beneath him.

Ilovenewyear · 26/12/2020 21:19

I also wouldn’t accept this but then I spent years in an abusive relationship and promised myself I’d never tolerate this behaviour again.
OP it’s not acceptable.

zzizz · 26/12/2020 21:20

Nope. Nope nope nope. That was a telling unconscious snap response OP, and punching doors and things is yet another huge red flag.

Maybe "LTB" sounds dramatic but on the other hand, what a horrible way for you to live.

GoodBurger · 26/12/2020 21:22

@Londono I had an ex who said this exact thing to me during an argument and it shocked me as he had never laid a finger on me.

Several months later he dragged me out of our bed by my hair. If your partner doesn’t see an issue with what he said then I think that tells you a great deal about not only him but his opinion of you. I’m not saying it’s easy to leave but this is not normal behaviour and you don’t have to put up with it.

Sexnotgender · 26/12/2020 21:23

I’m not sure I’d be able to get passed that. He sounds nasty as well as lazy. I cannot imagine my husband ever saying anything like that to me.

Figgygal · 26/12/2020 21:24

He is fucking lazy and a shit too
Arsehole

MustardMitt · 26/12/2020 21:29

Is this enough to leave him over though? We are best friends when things are good

  1. Any reason is good enough.
  2. Best friends don't make threats when you tell them the unvarnished truth.

I KNOW I shouldn't have called him lazy

A man that you are married to that you can't be truthful to is not worth being married to, IMO. @SuitedandBooted has got it: Not apologising shows that he really thinks that he has done nothing wrong. That is the crux of the matter
In his head , it's YOUR fault, and you are a nasty back-chatting bitch who deserves his anger

Personally, I think without an agreement that he has some solo counselling to explore the reasons why he is such a cunt, your marriage is going to suffer until you never ever put a foot wrong for fear of inciting his ire. He is NOT your lord and master, he is your partner, your equal - the man who is supposed to love you!