'D'H threatened me but was it my fault?

[Londono]

Long backstory but to cut it short - DH doesn't pull his weight. I've had a very busy and stressful year (NHS frontline work) and his work has been very quiet although he hasn't been furloughed.

I did the majority of the Christmas prep and cooking yesterday. Asked him to sort the final baking trays full of grease etc and this morning I discovered he hadn't done it, he had put the main one outside the back door. I discovered this by me stepping out onto it and slipping over.

I am not proud at all but I called him 'fucking lazy' and he said 'If you say that again, I will drag you out of this house by your hair'.

He has never threatened me before and I KNOW I shouldn't have called him lazy but did it deserve that response? He has not apologised but I haven't either tbf.

As others have said, it sounds like he has been cruising along whilst you work yourself to the bone in a pandemic, and if he has to do one small thing he not only does it wrong and fucks it up, but threatens you with violent for (quite rightfully) having a go and bringing it up.

A threat is a thought that is action in the making

Sending you strength and good wishes. It's not you it's him

I get that you are shocked, OP. But threatening violence just because you called him f-ing lazy? And not apologising? His behaviour over the dishes seems to be symptomatic of a much bigger problem. One where he thinks it is ok not to pull his weight, leave all the work to you and then blame you when you get tense because you are shouldering all the burden! One where you don’t feel you can say how you really feel, or show your emotions because you aren’t sure he’ll react well. Etc. I’ve lived like this. Don’t be like me!

@Londono, I left because I saw that he treated me badly however he was lovely to the dc. It meant he knew how to control it, it also meant that the dc would judge me as the unreasonable one.

These men often need a whipping boy so once he was alone with the dc his mask has slipped. They have to walk on eggshells at times, at other times he is fine.

I feel sad for them but equally know that they are seeing healthier displays of emotions most of the time. At least I know that the cycle has a chance to be broken as Ex h also had a dysfunctional childhood.

I left for me but also because I wanted the dc to know that their dads behaviour isn't healthy. I believe I am succeeding in that goal as our house is happy.

Thank you for all the messages. I'm not in a good place mentally, this all messes with my mind.

I am quick to get irritated with him obviously in this case it was justified but often he says it isn't.

OP I am so sorry things are so tough.

"I am quick to get irritated with him obviously in this case it was justified but often he says it isn't"

Firstly, I am very unreasonable with my husband at times, he has not once, in over 20 years, done (or threatend) anything violent at all.

Secondly, your husband telling you that you are quick to get irritated with him and it is sometimes not justified isn't necessarily true! And even if it were it does not excuse his laziness or threat of violence.

If you want to tell us some of your supposedly unreasonable behaviour - maybe we could help you think through it.

For example my husband sometimes says I speak to him in a very disrespectful way. This is almost certainly because as kids growing up I came from a family where people sometimes shouted, called each other names and got openly angry.

He comes from a home where people did not do this.

Probably somewhere in the middle of the two extremes is where I would like our family to be. So if my husband accuses me of being rude or disrespectful - I say sorry, change my tone and try and speak more calmly. As that is what he is used to and likes. He can't cope with lots of loud tearful emotion , and neither campus daughter.

It's not that loud and tearful is bad, it's that it's a communication style he struggles with.

However, if he is not being open with me, I push him to be more open and he usually manages it.

That is I get him to work to my communication style sometimes.

At no point do either of us threaten violence. We do not have a perfect marriage but I have learnt I can be unreasonable at times, and so can he, and we both work on this stuff.

I don't know if your husband can work on stuff and change and I wonder of there he a been other threats.

Anyway, some posters have been a little harsh with you, i feel.

Are you scared of your husbsnd? Certainly, that recent response is scary. Would speaking to women's aid be of help to you?

campus daughter should be can our daughter.

I think he can be volatile which is scary but I have never thought he would hit me. He claims to be an easygoing person and that it is me who 'sticks my anger into him because I'm so dissatisfied with life'

An example of me being unreasonable would be the night before the schools went back in September I had got everything ready (uniform ordered, cleaned, bags packed etc etc) for our DC including DS who was starting secondary. I went upstairs after tea to get them ready for bed and final bits done etc and when I came down at 9.30pm the dishes hadn't been done as he had been watching TV the whole time - he had moved them to the kitchen side but not actually put them in the dishwasher.

So I started doing the dishes at 9.30pm and snapped at him for not doing them.

Me getting irritated when I've done the food shop after work and he doesn't come to the door straight away to help me bring it in. He says he has to 'jump to it' when I get back so my servants are on hand. I just think if I've been the one, yet again, to do the food shop he should be ready to help me get it in.

That kind of stuff.

Are you 'dissatisfied with life'? No judgement from me either way.

The night before school goes back is a great example. So I would say that maybe your dh didn't know he was expected to do the dishes. DH and I always say who is doing the dishes. So I'll offer shall I do the dishes or do our son's bath... normally an unwritten policy is that whoever cooks doesn't wash up, but if they want to wash up that is fine!

I think assuming your dh will do the dishes is a problem if he is lazy and doesn't expect to do them! It's also a problem that he is lazy!! Of course.

I can't remember do you both work, and do you both share housework, in theory?

"Me getting irritated when I've done the food shop after work and he doesn't come to the door straight away to help me bring it in." Bloody hell this with bells on for us too!

"I just think if I've been the one, yet again, to do the food shop he should be ready to help me get it in." Of course he should!

For me and dh, now I phone ahead, I say I am just paying at the supermarket and I have loads of food and expect help putting it away (especially as I am putting myself at risk by being the one going to the shops!).

So I call, ask DH to put the dog in the crate ready, because the open front door is a risk that our puppy will get out, and then I expect dh to be ready to put the shopping away.

"He says he has to 'jump to it' when I get back so my servants are on hand." That is his perception of your request for help having already acted like the servant and done the shopping.

Under normal circumstances I would say that you have a communication problem BUT I think he is nasty and I am not sure communication will stop him having the thoughts that it is OK to say 'If you say that again, I will drag you out of this house by your hair'.

It's not normal at all. If he'd shouted back "You can fuck off for that comment" or something along those lines, I get it but to threaten you is disgusting.

Ah yes so you're to blame for his anger.

Surprisingly I expect he's able to control it with his boss and other people most of the time isn't he?

No.

Next question.

@Italiangreyhound I'm not sure I am dissatisfied with life, but with him maybe.

I think what he senses from me is resentment towards him for not pulling his weight so now even when he does do something I can't be grateful as I still think about all the other things that aren't done.

@zzizz He would say that is because they don't treat him the way I do

But he'd be lying to you.

Have you had time to google the free PDF of "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft? If you get a chance, please do. Its really informative.

Its got an especially telling and chilling bit where he asks the men, "So, you say you lost control - why didn't you snap her neck then in your rags?" And they reply horrified "oh I'd never do that!" - so he observes that they do have limits and they stick to them. They don't really lose control.

Your husband is absolutely fine treating you like shit because that's what he consciously or unconsciously has decided is okay for you. Its not a slip or an error, and its not caused by anything you do.

*rags should be rage there!

Why would you be 'grateful' it's what he should be doing anyway.

He's taking the piss out of you.

He thinks it's women's work and he needs to get out of the 1950s.

When things have calmed down you need to speak to him and make it very clear what you expect because the way it's going is not and never will be sustainable for you.

I think when you're in a relationship like this, a big mistake is not to start as you mean to go on. I've been in both and in one I literally did everything.

When that ended there was no way I was going to be caught out again. I think some men (and women) weigh up the situation very quickly and know exactly what they can get away with, and I think your husband is one of those unfortunately.

My DH does a huge amount and I am very lucky but equally I do too.

The night of the dishes... you went to work, did all the 'getting ready' stuff. Who cooked? If you cook, who normally washes up?

Just trying to get a picture of 'normal' in your house.

After the door punching... what changed? Did he just stop? Did he change? Did your behaviour change before his did?

If it wasn't for covid, I would make him get a cleaner in a couple of times a week and pay for it.

So sorry OP it does sound difficult.

@MrsTerryPratchett I think but I can't remember that I threatened to leave after the door punching incidents.

I can't remember who cooked the night of the dishes snapping that I remember, although I will have worked that day and he has had very light work duties all year because of Covid.

Hope you are doing ok OP given all that has gone on in the NHS in recent weeks.

Resentment corrodes. Your H is lazy and your resentment stems from you not accepting it, instead the disappointment of him repeatedly being lazy feeds your resentment.

Something has to change (psst, it probably won’t be him) or you children will be forced to watch the protracted and painful demise of their parents marriage.

The balls in your court. This is who he is accept it or move the hell on, the third option of him being different isn’t on the table.