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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'D'H threatened me but was it my fault?

174 replies

Londono · 26/12/2020 19:49

Long backstory but to cut it short - DH doesn't pull his weight. I've had a very busy and stressful year (NHS frontline work) and his work has been very quiet although he hasn't been furloughed.

I did the majority of the Christmas prep and cooking yesterday. Asked him to sort the final baking trays full of grease etc and this morning I discovered he hadn't done it, he had put the main one outside the back door. I discovered this by me stepping out onto it and slipping over.

I am not proud at all but I called him 'fucking lazy' and he said 'If you say that again, I will drag you out of this house by your hair'.

He has never threatened me before and I KNOW I shouldn't have called him lazy but did it deserve that response? He has not apologised but I haven't either tbf.

OP posts:
OhBollocksToIt · 26/12/2020 21:31

He isn’t going to change, you’re hanging on in the hope he might. His anger and laziness is a problem. I imagine things are good as long as you are doing everything and keeping him happy right? Google sunk coat fallacy.

OhBollocksToIt · 26/12/2020 21:31

Cost, not coat. I’ll get mine...

GingerBeverage · 26/12/2020 21:33

And is the tray clean now - if so, who cleaned it?

billy1966 · 26/12/2020 22:05

He is utter scum.

Lazy scum.

He has shown you clearly what he thinks of you.

He feels comfortable threatening you.

He is an angry nasty man who feels comfortable telling you that he would drag you out of the house by your hair.

And you think you have a good relationship.

You poor woman if the above is what constitutes a good relationship.

Flowers
ArrowsOfMistletoe · 26/12/2020 22:14

This isn't a good relationship. He doesn't do his share of the housework, he isn't working and you are keeping the household afloat financially, you are walking on eggshells around him because otherwise he will get angry. If you pull him up on anything, you're provoking him and it's all your fault. And now he's threatened violence.

You need to get rid and do the Freedom Programme.

LouHotel · 26/12/2020 22:17

His threat screams 'how dare the help talk back to me' it's very telling that the threat was to remove you from the house. Does he earn more than you to back up his false claim of ownership over the domain inside his head or just plain Misogny?

He basically left the tray in the garden for you to sort later like a 19th century maid.

LobotheBotanist · 26/12/2020 22:18

So what happened after he said that?

Did you get angry?

Or did you go and clean the tray yourself

lilylongjohn · 26/12/2020 22:18

So you call him lazy, because he is, and he threatens you with violence.

A best friend would never do this!

Tbh for me it would be a dealbreaker.

You don't threaten those you love (or anyone for that matter) with violence.

Original poster
Londono · 26/12/2020 22:47

To answer some questions: Afterwards I was so shocked I took the DC and we went for a very long walk.

He is working and his job seems secure. The house is in both of our names but it does stretch our finances to afford it by ourselves.

The tray is still outside.

I'm not sure I will ever think of him the same again. I feel like it was a glimpse at the real him. I realise I shouldn't have called him fucking lazy - he says I'm a bully and belittle him and he has to stand up to me.

OP posts:
Mother2princess · 26/12/2020 22:51

Leave ASAP

EKGEMS · 26/12/2020 22:52

Stay with him then,and wait for him to fulfill his threat,right in full view of the children! As a frontline worker you've probably seen victims of domestic violence? Do you want to be the next patient? Do you want SS to come investigate your home as a safeguarding issue? He's threatening to assault you,the mother of his children,his wife. You deserve respect and love,not someone who provides neither. This isn't the relationship pattern you want your children to follow, is it?

CodenameVillanelle · 26/12/2020 22:53

He's not your 'best friend' - far from it

Original poster
Londono · 26/12/2020 22:56

Would that threat be enough to get an occupation order for the house? If it came to it? I know he would never move out.

Surely if he was going to hit me, he would have done it by now? We've been together for over 10 years.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 26/12/2020 23:07

If he says it is something he will do, one day he might.

I was rearranged because I didn’t agree with him. He’d muttered the odd threat. I’d had one slap. I didn’t listen. I didn’t pay attention.

I regret that.

@Londono I’m presuming you read this? I cannot imagine your dh said this as a one off. This is a direct threat. He’s using his superior strength as a threat. He may not have hit you before. You’d be amazed how many times women say this then are amazed when their dh smacks them one.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 26/12/2020 23:38

I was with my partner 6 years.

No sign of anything bad until we were married.

When I say rearranged I’m not being flippant.

I met my ex from when I was 17 in the supermarket a few years afterwards. He didn’t recognise my face.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 26/12/2020 23:39

Listen OP.

Hear him. Flowers

Original poster
Londono · 26/12/2020 23:48

Bloody hell @SheldonesqueIsUnwell - are you out now?

It is textbook how I have been conditioned by him to blame myself even when logically I know it isn't me. But I feel at least partly to blame.

OP posts:
HollyGenneroMcClane · 26/12/2020 23:54

Get a plan to leave op m. He wonf ever tKe responsibility becUse he doesnt want to do anything.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 27/12/2020 00:01

Yes I’m out.

If his idea of ‘standing up to you’ is threatening you with violence then he is not your best friend. He could be the person who injures you or worse.

OhDearMuriel · 27/12/2020 00:03

So according to him you're the one that looks for problems!!
A decent man would be pulling their weight and supporting you, even more so now due to working a lot less.

And now because this lazy bastard has reacted like this, you won't dare ask him to help again because you know that you'll pay for it.

You've got a very uncaring selfish husband.

I couldn't stand living with someone like that.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2020 00:08

His lazy attitdue led to your slipping over because he put the tray outside on the ground. He sounds a horrible man.

"It is textbook how I have been conditioned by him to blame myself even when logically I know it isn't me. But I feel at least partly to blame."

You know in your heart he is cruel, yeah! If he really believed himself not to be lazy he could argue the point politely and point out all he does. But he went down the threat of violence route. He just doesn't sound like a nice man at all.

EarthSight · 27/12/2020 00:20

@lilylongjohn

So you call him lazy, because he is, and he threatens you with violence.

A best friend would never do this!

Tbh for me it would be a dealbreaker.

You don't threaten those you love (or anyone for that matter) with violence.

This ^

Just imagine a friend blurting that out to you!!! Shock

EarthSight · 27/12/2020 00:21

@Londono

To answer some questions: Afterwards I was so shocked I took the DC and we went for a very long walk.

He is working and his job seems secure. The house is in both of our names but it does stretch our finances to afford it by ourselves.

The tray is still outside.

I'm not sure I will ever think of him the same again. I feel like it was a glimpse at the real him. I realise I shouldn't have called him fucking lazy - he says I'm a bully and belittle him and he has to stand up to me.

The thing is, even if you were these things, it still doesn't excuse that particular threat. You just don't threaten partners with violence. End of.
EarthSight · 27/12/2020 00:23

@DrMorbius

He has already asserted his dominance by saying this threat. When a man plays that card, it should be the end of the relationship in my opinion. He has shown is willing to use the threat of violence to control your behavior. Even if he didn't mean it, it's pathetic

I completely agree with this ^^ you DP is pathetic.

I bet if a guy I train with (big Bob, 6'5, 16+ stones, personal security professional) called your DP lazy, the very last thing your DP would say is some crap about dragging him outside. Your DP is a coward and a bully.

That's very true.
EarthSight · 27/12/2020 00:27

[quote GoodBurger]@Londono I had an ex who said this exact thing to me during an argument and it shocked me as he had never laid a finger on me.

Several months later he dragged me out of our bed by my hair. If your partner doesn’t see an issue with what he said then I think that tells you a great deal about not only him but his opinion of you. I’m not saying it’s easy to leave but this is not normal behaviour and you don’t have to put up with it.[/quote]
That's shocking. So sorry. What a pathetic human being.