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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'D'H threatened me but was it my fault?

174 replies

Londono · 26/12/2020 19:49

Long backstory but to cut it short - DH doesn't pull his weight. I've had a very busy and stressful year (NHS frontline work) and his work has been very quiet although he hasn't been furloughed.

I did the majority of the Christmas prep and cooking yesterday. Asked him to sort the final baking trays full of grease etc and this morning I discovered he hadn't done it, he had put the main one outside the back door. I discovered this by me stepping out onto it and slipping over.

I am not proud at all but I called him 'fucking lazy' and he said 'If you say that again, I will drag you out of this house by your hair'.

He has never threatened me before and I KNOW I shouldn't have called him lazy but did it deserve that response? He has not apologised but I haven't either tbf.

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 27/12/2020 11:40

His attitude to his parents says a lot about his character too.

He sounds lazy, selfish and cold.
And spoiled for that matter; everyone should revolve around him. Everyone else should make the effort. He should do what he likes and make no effort for others.

zzizz · 27/12/2020 11:47

He doesn't need to punch things anymore does he. He got his message across clear and simple.

AcornAutumn · 27/12/2020 11:48

@TheGoodEnoughWife

Furthermore as I am sure others will say, first they threaten...then they do.

That is not a 'normal' thought for him to have and that is why I would leave.

This sums it up.
Sandals19 · 27/12/2020 11:53

Even if he doesn't escalate, he clearly thinks he has the right to be violent and to eject op from their home.

That wouldn't be ok even if op were acting badly towards him in some way ... But it's actually a result of op challenging him about his laziness and lack of contribution.

It seems like fundamentally he feels it's his right/place not to do domestic tasks - and it's his right to be violent towards his partner (and exclude her from her home) if she challenges him on that.

MintyMabel · 27/12/2020 11:56

Is being threatened with being dragged out of your own home by your hair enough to leave your partner over? Well, where would you draw the line if not there? Wait til he actually does it?

Imagine your daughter/sister/mother saying their partner said this to them. What would your advice be?

I'm also aghast that you think what you did was so terribly wrong. He is fucking lazy. You told a truth. What you did was not wrong. But, even if it had been, the response was not right and you should leave right now.

Techway · 27/12/2020 12:12

@Sandals19, excellent assessment.

Op,I am so sorry, you must be in shock and fearful but this is a wake up. I recall the moment I realised I wasn't safe with ex H. He was outwardly polite and well mannered but underneath he was seething with anger. He also felt belittled and controlled (this was due to his highly sensitive ego so threats/insults were everywhere and he was constantly alert). To him your marriage is a power struggle, you vs him...he controls you or you control him. You "making" him tidy = controlling him.

Like you, I was never allowed to be anything other than happy or helpful and if conditions were right he would also be very co operative so it was confusing. I didn't realise how much I had adjusted my behaviour, to live with him, until I left.

10 years seems to be a common timeframe. I suspect I started to stand up to him, perhaps the children were older or I was more aware... but once my eyes were opened it was hard to unsee.

None of us think we are in an abusive relationship as it's a slow decline. Everyone is capable of being unreasonable (at times) and we know relationships take compromise so we "go along, to get along" until something happens such a direct threat you experienced.

Please start a journal, that you keep well hidden, access counselling through work, if possible and read books such as Lundy and Patricia Evans. These will help inform you and understand the dynamics in your marriage.

Abusive relationships are not capable of change as the abusive partner will never accept accountability and usually lacks empathy.

If he had empathy he could not treat you as he did....if he was capable of reflection he would be apologising.

EckhartLolly · 27/12/2020 12:16

Wanting him to take ownership of his behaviour doesn't mean he will. You can't change someone else, just your own response. Do you always walk on eggshells around him? Maybe it's time to just be yourself. I'm not saying be unkind but stop shying away from what you really think or feel.

Original poster
Londono · 27/12/2020 12:20

Thank you, @Techway. I DEFINITELY feel like I am not allowed to express any emotions with him that aren't happy/helpful/overly polite. And it definitely feels like a power struggle. He has hated practically every boss he has ever had too so I don't think it is limited to me.

How is your life now? Do you share time with your DC? He isn't like this with them but I think that is because they are children and as suc don't challenge him.

OP posts:
Pinkyandthebrainz · 27/12/2020 12:42

OP you must take this seriously. If not for yourself, then for your children. As a front line worker I imagine you know better than most. It's time to leave and show your children that when someone threatens you with violence its game over.

CorianderQueen · 27/12/2020 13:29

He was fucking lazy. I've insulted my partner before and he wouldn't dream of ever threatening me. How disgusting.

LannieDuck · 27/12/2020 13:57

I know 'LTB' is thrown around liberally on MN, but that would literally be the end of the relationship for me. I'd be having a conversation with a divorce lawyer today.

No-one threatens me with physical violence. I wouldn't put up with it from work colleagues or from friends, and so I absolutely wouldn't put up with it from the person who's supposed to love me and keep me safe. I trust my husband completely, and his threat would smash that trust into pieces.

...and what a chilling threat it was. Very specific. Not just 'I'll hurt you' or 'I'll slap you', but that he'd pull you out of the house using your hair. That wasn't something he came up with on the spur of the moment. It's something he's thought about.

Alicenwonderland · 27/12/2020 14:18

My ex used to punch walls and doors until he damaged his knuckle quite badly. When I tell people about things that happened in my relationship they are aghast, it just became so normal. In my case it escalated once we split. I made the mistake of trying to be friends with my ex, I bent over backwards for him. I let him see the kids whenever he wanted, he had a key. The problem was that the cycle of abuse sped up once we separated. Whereas things would be okay for a month or two before an incident it was almost weekly. He also stopped hiding his nastiness towards me. I put up with it for a year after the split before I took help from women's aid and they gave me an IDVA (support worker). I won't go into what's happened since except to say it's been a nightmare of custody battles and court dates. I don't regret leaving him but if you have kids with an abuser you're never truely free. 😢

MartiniDry · 27/12/2020 14:23

I have one question for you, Londono.

This afternoon, if you slipped and fell due to a second example of your husband's thoughtless laziness, would you call him "fucking lazy" again?

electronVolt · 27/12/2020 14:23

He has never threatened me before. He has punched doors but that was 10 plus years ago so doesn't seem relevant now

He HAS threatened you. That was the threat. Loud and clear. ‘When I don’t get what I Want I punch things, look at the door. It will be your head next‘

You might not have consciously realised the implication, but your subconscious sure as hell did.

Oh, and saying you are Controlling, yeah, textbook DARVO. There’s examples all over these boards. They all do that one. It’s like there’s an instruction manual somewhere for these dickheads.

Weirdfan · 27/12/2020 14:57

This afternoon, if you slipped and fell due to a second example of your husband's thoughtless laziness, would you call him "fucking lazy" again?

This, because he's made it so you wouldn't dare would you? I wouldn't either in your shoes OP and it makes your choice very clear. Either you leave him (safely and preferably with support from WA or similar) or you effectively live in fear, having to constantly assess what's 'too far' and might tip him over the edge.

A non-abusive partner would never even think what he said, let alone say it out loud and it's shone a very bright light on his overall behaviour towards you. You will be in shock and it will take a bit of time to process what's happened and what it means but you already know something massive has shifted and there's no going back from what he said, I'm so sorry he's not who you thought he was Flowers

Original poster
Londono · 27/12/2020 15:25

@MartiniDry No I wouldn't and I guess I knew that which is why I keep saying that I know I shouldn't have said it - I know he has a mean streak but he blames me for bringing it out in him.

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 27/12/2020 15:58

Ah where's he going to find a woman who doesn't bring it out in him??

How dare you not do all the work in your household, as well as your job outside it, without complaint.

He doesn't want a human partner, he wants a robot slave.

I'm sure other people, like his bosses and work colleagues, and people in authority are perfectly capable of "bringing out" his nasty streak too - but he doesn't let himself indulge it with them ... because there would be consequences. Because he can't bully and abuse them.

He's an abuser.

Sandals19 · 27/12/2020 16:00

What he said is classic abuser script anyway.

Sandals19 · 27/12/2020 16:02

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

It is about physical abuse, bit much of it applies to non physical too.

The Myths about abuse and Abuser profile sections are especially good.

EarthSight · 27/12/2020 16:06

@LannieDuck

I know 'LTB' is thrown around liberally on MN, but that would literally be the end of the relationship for me. I'd be having a conversation with a divorce lawyer today.

No-one threatens me with physical violence. I wouldn't put up with it from work colleagues or from friends, and so I absolutely wouldn't put up with it from the person who's supposed to love me and keep me safe. I trust my husband completely, and his threat would smash that trust into pieces.

...and what a chilling threat it was. Very specific. Not just 'I'll hurt you' or 'I'll slap you', but that he'd pull you out of the house using your hair. That wasn't something he came up with on the spur of the moment. It's something he's thought about.

My thoughts too
Aknifewith16blades · 27/12/2020 16:08

OP, call Women's Aid and make a plan to leave safely. This isn't ok; it's emotional abuse and it's no way to live. Sadly the most dangerous time for a woman is often when she leaves a relationship and he sounds intimidating and dangerous.

Also, there is a thing called DARVO: whenever he says you are controlling, threatening etc, he is trying to mess with you and distract attention from him being controlling, threatening etc.

Finance control (wiping out the joint account after an arguement), isolating you from friends, using threats of physical violence to stop your reasonable complaints - none of this is ok. Get help and get out.

Weirdfan · 27/12/2020 16:27

What you said was the truth though OP, he is fucking lazy and you shouldn't be censored from boing honest in your relationship. The fact that you've focused on 'I shouldn't have said it' tells me (and you) that you were already living with some degree of fear of his reactions, he's just upped the degree this time by speaking his thoughts out loud instead of conveying them via gaslighting and threatening undercurrents.

weemacmum · 27/12/2020 19:31

Sending you a big hand hold.

Please call womens aid, they are so knowledgeable and helpful.

MrDarcysMa · 27/12/2020 21:53

It's not your fault that he threatened you with physical violence. I'd make a point of reporting him to the police.

namechangenumber204 · 27/12/2020 22:01

Why do you come on here for peoples opinions then ignore them? The majority of people are saying LTB - I would say that is a tad hasty - but I would read him the riot act and tell him what you have said here - spell it out for him and tell him that no matter how good the good times may be if he doesn't start changing PDQ you will be leaving - or kicking him out. Then you may see change. As long as you stick it. Grow a pair and show him you aren't a walk over.