'D'H threatened me but was it my fault?

[Londono]

Long backstory but to cut it short - DH doesn't pull his weight. I've had a very busy and stressful year (NHS frontline work) and his work has been very quiet although he hasn't been furloughed.

I did the majority of the Christmas prep and cooking yesterday. Asked him to sort the final baking trays full of grease etc and this morning I discovered he hadn't done it, he had put the main one outside the back door. I discovered this by me stepping out onto it and slipping over.

I am not proud at all but I called him 'fucking lazy' and he said 'If you say that again, I will drag you out of this house by your hair'.

He has never threatened me before and I KNOW I shouldn't have called him lazy but did it deserve that response? He has not apologised but I haven't either tbf.

OP he isn't going to apologise... He's going to watch this very closely now... He's going to see how far he can push you... How much you're willing to accept. This will then set the precedent of how things will be for you in the future.
That level of threat isn't normal, but it's what you've come to accept. In the past the punching of doors, breaking things etc has shown you there's a very unpleasant side to him. You've subconsciously tip toed around him to avoid that behaviour. He has shown you who he is.
Things will escalate if you don't show him this kind of behaviour is unacceptable.

I’m so busy thinking wow what a scary thing he said... yeah a previous poster is right.. he didn’t even ask if you were ok at slipping on the pan! Scared at what he said, ex partner used to taunt with specific stuff and then one day threatened to play it out... left ASAP

If you specifically ask him to do one thing, after all you have done with xmas prep and working throughout the year on the front line, and, not only does he not do it, but parks it outside so you slip on it ( which is worse, why not leave them in situ if he CBA?) then yes, totally fair to call him Fuck my lazy.
I don't necessarily feel that his verbal threat will mean he will carry it out, but the description of what he'd like to do, shows what a poor attitude he has to you, and most likely women in general. Fundamentally a mysoginist, who thinks a woman's place is to skivvy after a man and provide comfort while he sits on his arse, even though she works harder than him for a living. He's quite abhorrent, I couldn't stand for that, nor should you. For starters I'd go on strike around the home, show him how much you do. If you cook and wash/clean as well as working, I'd stop that straight off. He can do all jobs himself or realise what squallor he'd be in but for you. It's a slippery slope of his own making that loses total respect.

I can understand that you don't want to leave him but what life are you signing up for. Are you willing to do everything from now on so that he doesn't kick off? Will you now be scared to get angry with him in case he carries out his threat? There are NO circumstances where it is ok to threaten someone ever. It is not your fault.
What would you say if someone treated your friend/sister/ daughter like that? Please think carefully about what you are doing. This man is a total arsehole and you and your kids, deserve better. x

@Londono

Is this enough to leave him over though? We are best friends when things are good.

Depends, do you want to wait until he’s done it?

That would be it for me. I’ve had some terrible rows with DH but he has never, ever threatened me. It doesn’t even sound like this was a serious row, he just jumped straight to threats.

If you don’t leave, now that he’s threatened it, he will follow through. He’ll justify it to himself by saying he warned you. Please stop questioning your own judgement. Leave him.

I would look at it like:

you want him to Take responsibility for his laziness & threatening words

You need him to not be the kind of person who threatens their partner with very specific examples of a threat.

Needs come before wants

Dragging a woman by the hair is literally the definition of a caveman & to me highlight his backwards views on women & their roles in the home.

This whole situation & his reaction is symptomatic of a larger problem.

Op you say he is your best friend when things are good. Do you have any other examples of Past actions when he has not behaved in the manner a best friend would?

No that’s not right , I’ve said some horrible things to my partner beside , called him lazy abc told him he’s been dragged up by his parents even I’ve really lost my patience with his untidiness .. he didn’t speak to me for 2 days but he would never threaten me , this is not ok , speak to him and tell him this is not acceptable and if he does it again your gone

Firstly, haven’t read the whole thread, so apologies if I’m being repetitive. No, you shouldn’t have spoken to him like that, although it would really have annoyed me. How lazy, and you must have had a shock going over like that. He definitely should not have threatened you like that though. Way over the top, and he was at fault anyway. Completely unacceptable. Doesn’t sound like much of a relationship from what you say. Or only if you do everything and don’t annoy him.

Sorry... I’m back! My husband has never said anything like that to me and never would....well, not twice anyway.

Do you have daughters? What happens when they get a little older and start questioning things, or calling him out on not contributing whilst you run yourself ragged?

Do you have sons? Do you want them thinking this is the way to respond to someone’s assessment of a situation in a relationship?

Do you think you would be proud of your children if they reacted like this with their partners? Or would you be horrified if their partners spoke to them like your H spoke to you?

Want better for yourself and your children. Don’t wait for your H to act on his words.

It’s not your fault though is it? He’s hugely entitled and disrespectful. Rather than cleaning the pan he chucked it outside the back door. It’s lazy. I’m really lazy about cleaning pans because it’s a shit job. If I cook my OH cleans the pans. I rarely clean them but we had a phase where he was doing all the cooking and I wasn’t cleaning the pans. He said “come on. Clean the pans” so I did because that’s fair and I was being lazy. His response was disgusting and the main issue is it shows how little he thinks of you. Plus it now sets a precedent. He got away with speaking like that to you so what happens next time you disagree about the pans. I personally think you should dig your heels in about this comment and make him leave. Tell him you’ll report what he said to the police and ask for him to be removed which they will. They are taking threats of DV very seriously during lockdown. You now will be wary of being truthful with him. I hope you’re not sleeping with him and don’t do anything for him. No cooking and no cleaning. He washes his own pants. He’s a disgusting violent slob. How much in reality does he do?

We are best friends when things are good.

You mean when he's not pulling his weight and doing as he pleases.

What example is he showing your dc. A man just gets to sit on his fat arse while the woman runs around and does everything in the home.

Even without the threats of violence, he treats you with disrespect and seems to think you are his skivvy.you deserve much better

This made my heart hurt reading this thread. The fact that you felt that you'd almost deserved him threatening you shows that he's clearly been abusing you (emotionally) for a long time. It's so hard to see it when someone has made every issue your fault, and so hard to leave.

His immediate response to you slipping over on the tray, should've been "oh shit I'm so sorry, I'm such an idiot for putting it there", you in anger "you're so fucking lazy" him "yeah fair point, I'm sorry".

I was with my ex for 11 years. It took 8 years before he laid a hand on me and then HE left me 3 years after that.

Have you told anyone about this? What is your relationship with your in laws like?

Do you and him ever exchange text messages? If you've exchanged any messages about this you must save them, particularly if he's responded to anything you've mentioned about his threat. If you need legal help it will be important to have written proof of what's been happening.

Unsave his contact number so it comes up as the number and not his name (otherwise he can later say you just saved some random number as him to accuse him of something and get a better divorce settlement). Then screengrab any messages with threats or references to threats and save them in a secure place. Email them to yourself and maybe send to a trusted family member.

You need to protect yourself whether you think you're in a bad situation or not. Worst case scenario you've saved unnecessary info.

I would also be open about it. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. Yes it's a little inflammatory but women are always expected to keep it in the home. Why? This is a dangerous situation. If it wasn't your husband and a random man threatened to do that you'd likely tell your friends and family about it because it's a strange thing to happen. Tell people so if anything happens to you they know there was a warning sign and your friends and family will help to protect your children.

I'd throw the baking tray in the bin and buy yourself a nice new one if you can afford it.

You need to put a little bit of money aside every month. If you suddenly have to leave, any amount will be useful. Do not tell him that's what you're doing. Enough for a couple of nights in a hotel at least but ideally a real cushion.

It feels so normal when a partner does something abusive because it's your partner and you know them and it's not dramatic like a film. The women murdered or seriously hurt by their partners aren't any different than you. They weren't stupid or unable to read the signs, they were victims of a very predictable pattern which is designed to make you question your reality. I do feel sorry for him as well, what a shit way to live your life. But your safety comes first though.

Finally, I'd consider doing a police report. If his behaviour escalates you need a clear record and it's so hard to prove what actually happens. He will deny it. He will not say to a police officer that you deserved it. He will say you're hysterical and making it up.

The misogynistic viciousness of his response shows you touched a nerve: he knows he’s lazy and exploitative and wants to make damn sure you don’t ask him to help in the future. Sounds like a waste of space to me.

Oh god, I've hardly slept because it just keeps going round and round in my mind and including other interactions that lead to arguments. I DO get tense with him around housework tasks etc and it isn't that he is a slob or does nothing, I just don't think he does enough.

I can't think straight at the moment and I can't even go over to a friend's house to talk about it in real life because of the restrictions.

Hey OP. Could you go out for a walk and phone a friend? From what you've described, boundaries have been crossed. He is lazy so stop apologising to yourself for calling him that.

I could but I guess it makes it more real @Marmozet.

I think I'm in shock.

He's hasn't hit you yet because he hasn't needed to. He's been very well able to control you this far with gaslighting and turning it all around onto you. As you stood up for yourself he's levelled up. It's a warning. He's hoping it's enough to scare you into complying again. Most abusive men aren't physically abusive, it's all about control. The more you start to fight back the more he'll try to regain control. I was with my ex for 8 years. He hurt me once, about 4 years in and I had him arrested. He was able to turn it around onto me being at fault (He'd thrown me into the bathroom as he was worried I'd fall down the stairs, I was hysterical and he was protecting me!) He was careful after that until the end when he repeatedly smacked me around the face during an argument. I knew then that any argument would always end in violence so I kicked him out. A good course of action is to speak to a domestic violence support worker, they have a great online service where you can chat or you can call their number, it's 24/7. It's very difficult if you've been with someone for so long and have been conditioned by them, to see the reality. It took a long time for me to unpick my relationship and admit it had been abusive.

His behaviour was outrageous. I don’t actually get why you say you shouldn’t have called him lazy. Why not? He was very lazy. What he said was really nasty and crossed a line.

@Alicenwonderland I've read every word of this post and I'm taking it very seriously.

I do think he is controlling, but he tells me I am, I control the atmosphere in the house apparently through my moods.

He has done controlling things in the past like clear out the joint account after an argument - only for a day but still and I would never dream of doing that - he doesn't like any of my friend's husbands so we don't socialise as couples, I see my friends by myself for dinner/drinks etc although he never tries to stop me doing that.

I will start to write stuff down as I can't even remember the arguments we have had or why - just how they feel.

@SuitedandBooted

Not apologising shows that he really thinks that he has done nothing wrong. That is the crux of the matter. In his head , it's YOUR fault, and you are a nasty back-chatting bitch who deserves his anger.

I would end my marriage if my husband treated me like that. You have a secure job, he does not. You work all hours, he does not. You shouldn't have to come home and deal with such a lazy, pathetic man-child, who clearly thinks basic domestic tasks are beneath him.

This.

I know you don’t want to leave OP, you just want him to change.

But it’s been ? At least 10 years and he’s not changed yet. How many more decades of your life do you want to live like this ?

“He has done controlling things in the past like clear out the joint account after an argument - only for a day but still and I would never dream of doing that - he doesn't like any of my friend's husbands so we don't socialise as couples, I see my friends by myself for dinner/drinks etc although he never tries to stop me doing that.”

He’s a nasty bully. He treats you well when you behave yourself but if you make demands of him, he bullies you into submission. I would have ceased sharing an account after a stunt like that, assuming I continued with the relationship. I hope you have your own account too. You should be paying money into that.

Abusers are capable of treating their partners very well when it suits them. That’s why the best measure of an LTR is how things are when you’re not getting on so well. My DH and I get very annoyed with each other from time to time - when we do things are a bit ‘meh’. But we don’t walk on eggshells and we don’t threaten each other with violence.