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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there anyone who ^would^ be ok with this?

473 replies

ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 06:54

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and its exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend all that. Not that it's relevant but just wanted to give some context. He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no.

Yesterday, I spent the day alone - it was my choice. He had invited me over. Anyway, I anticipated a day of self indulgence but ended up just feeling melancholy and sad.

To 'cheer me up' he sent me a short video of something completely innocuous but at the end it transitioned to a brief 'porn' clip of a woman getting slapped in the face by an enormous erect cock. I'm aware it was probably set up but she appeared to be shocked by it and, tbh, it looked painful.

I saw it but didn't reply because I was feeling a bit crap and just couldn't be bothered dealing with it.

That was about 7pm and 40 mins later he sent a follow up message saying he had thought it was funny anyway.

I didn't respond to that either and heard nothing else.

I want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

I can anticipate his reaction that I'm over reacting and it's just a joke but I've been sexually assaulted in the past and raped and i just don't find it funny. I think its probably the sort of thing he and his mates send to each other and so won't see the problem with it.

It just put me right off.

But i am curious as to whether anyone would actually be ok with it?

OP posts:
NameChangeUnwiseAdvice · 26/12/2020 08:41

I think I've seen that video too. Was it a Bruno Mars song or something? Didn't bother me particularly either but as lots have said above it bothered you so tell him and if you think its a deal breaker then it is.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 26/12/2020 08:43

I have seen this video, didn’t bother me...

Why not?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 26/12/2020 08:45

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

I think I've seen that WhatsApp clip. I just see it as a juvenile joke, it really doesn't bother me. However you have to do what you feel comfortable with. If he's got a silly sense of humour and you're clenching at his sense of humour then it probably won't work long term.
Why is it funny? What is it that makes it a joke?
Springfern · 26/12/2020 08:46

Have you sent the message yet?

Anotheruser02 · 26/12/2020 08:49

That isn't a silly sense of humour, silly is laughing at harmless things.

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 26/12/2020 08:50

@AcornAutumn I found myself one of the fantastic ones 12+ years ago and I’m quite sure that if anything were to happen (god forbid) and I ended up alone again, I absolutely would not want to date. There are great men out there but I couldn’t be dealing with wading through all the nasty shit to find another one.

I have two young adult daughters and I must say I worry for them with the way things are now. I’ve raised them to be strong, independent and aware of their own worth, so I hope they will see red flags loud and clear and not ever take any of this utter shit as being okay and no big deal.

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 08:51

Right. This is what I've composed.

He probably won't be up or read it for a couple of hours. I'd like to think it'll be something that makes him think but i doubt it 🙄

It wasn't funny. It was obviously painful, humiliating, unexpected and an assault.

She clearly didn't find it funny so I'm not quite sure why you do...

Anyway, I think that's probably just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work.

Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here.

Dumped on Boxing Day for being a misogynistic twat. Good going! (Not going to add that bit 🤣)

If that sounds ok, I'm going to send it now. I won't be checking my phone until.much later as my children are back from their dad's today.

OP posts:
gettingfedupagain · 26/12/2020 08:53

The women who "can't see the problem" have been groomed to accept the depiction of sexual violence against women in order to not upset men. There's an element of Stockholm syndrome "oh look it's happening to that woman, if I upset the men it could happen to me" but it's terrifying to identify this in yourself. Look how much "prude" has been used on here! It's used by men to make women question their sexual boundaries and accept poor treatment.

Springfern · 26/12/2020 08:53

Brilliant, well done OP, come back and update us later. Merry Xmas!

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 26/12/2020 08:54

No, I absolutely would never under any circumstances be okay with that. I would be horrified, and feel tainted/disturbed by by the porn clip. I would have to end it, immediately.

Bloodypugs · 26/12/2020 08:54

Wouldn’t find it particularly funny but certainly wouldn’t be offended my god. I can understand from your past experiences why this might upset you but other than that I’d just say it’s an unfunny joke and wouldn’t bat and eyelid Hmm

SonEtLumiere · 26/12/2020 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fluffymule · 26/12/2020 08:56

No, I do not think this is acceptable.

It troubles me that so many people seem numbed to sexual based humiliation and assault on women and have a 'shrug', 'doesn't bother me' response to this. A joke. Perhaps in 'poor taste' but still 'just a joke'.

When did this become so normalised?

CornishTiger · 26/12/2020 08:56

Only thing I’d change is remove the probably in the sentence

Palavah · 26/12/2020 08:56

@ByAnotherNameToday

Doubly fast if he is aware of either why you declined the original porn request or your previous sexual assault.

He is aware. I know a lot of people advise not to say anything but I feel safer if I'm upfront about it.

Beside, it reveals these men more obviously.

I was about to agree that you don't need to tell him about your own experience to explain why - it's not your responsibility to educate him - but then read that he already knows! Eesh.
LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 26/12/2020 08:56

@ByAnotherNameToday

Right. This is what I've composed.

He probably won't be up or read it for a couple of hours. I'd like to think it'll be something that makes him think but i doubt it 🙄

It wasn't funny. It was obviously painful, humiliating, unexpected and an assault.

She clearly didn't find it funny so I'm not quite sure why you do...

Anyway, I think that's probably just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work.

Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here.

Dumped on Boxing Day for being a misogynistic twat. Good going! (Not going to add that bit 🤣)

If that sounds ok, I'm going to send it now. I won't be checking my phone until.much later as my children are back from their dad's today.

Your message is perfect. Don't engage further with him. At least you found out relatively soon in your time with him that he's a misogynistic arsehole.
Twinpeaksdancingman · 26/12/2020 08:57

Bloodypugs

Wouldn’t find it particularly funny but certainly wouldn’t be offended my god. I can understand from your past experiences why this might upset you but other than that I’d just say it’s an unfunny joke and wouldn’t bat and eyelid hmm

Exactly this

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 26/12/2020 08:58

@Fluffymule

No, I do not think this is acceptable.

It troubles me that so many people seem numbed to sexual based humiliation and assault on women and have a 'shrug', 'doesn't bother me' response to this. A joke. Perhaps in 'poor taste' but still 'just a joke'.

When did this become so normalised?

I absolutely agree with you - when did this become so normalised?? It's just horrifying.
IDontMindMarmite · 26/12/2020 08:58

Shit like this makes me fucking terrified of what men talk about when they think women can't see/hear.

chuffedasbuttons · 26/12/2020 09:01

Porn and absent fathers. Two huge factors that are wrong in our society. Not talked about enough in my opinion. Angry

Dances · 26/12/2020 09:03

Well done OP.

Although I also would not have been happy with the unsolicited dick pics, and agree with others that he was boundary testing.

He has found his answer and you are well rid.

moomin11 · 26/12/2020 09:03

I wouldn't be ok with it either. Really grim.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 26/12/2020 09:04

Great post OP. I've been raging about this one!Sexual assault and public humiliation is not funny, jokey or silly. The women at the receiving end of these things are being physically violated for someone else's pleasure/fun - what kind of twisted mindset finds that funny!

And the prude thing has to go, absolutely agree. It is a word that exists to describe boundaries by someone who does not benefit from those boundaries. And it's meant to make women feel bad for not wanting to do stuff they don't want to do.

Run for the hills OP, never let that poor excuse for a man anywhere near you again. You're better off on your own that with a manchild who does not respect you or your boundaries.

Frenchdressing · 26/12/2020 09:05

@IDontMindMarmite

Shit like this makes me fucking terrified of what men talk about when they think women can't see/hear.
This.

I think if I was OLD I would have ‘no misogyny or porn please’ in my bio!

I fear for the world my teen daughter is entering. Where boys have instant access to extreme porn and expect anal sex as standard. She’s 13 and already boys ask for ‘nudes’ and she tells me they share porn clips.

Ugh. I realise this is off topic but porn and SM has a lot to answer for!

I would dump,him too OP.

Dances · 26/12/2020 09:07

'Wouldn't bat an eyelid'

Gosh what a cool girl. Good girl, pat on the bum.

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