Is there anyone who ^would^ be ok with this?

[ByAnotherNameToday]

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and its exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend all that. Not that it's relevant but just wanted to give some context. He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no.

Yesterday, I spent the day alone - it was my choice. He had invited me over. Anyway, I anticipated a day of self indulgence but ended up just feeling melancholy and sad.

To 'cheer me up' he sent me a short video of something completely innocuous but at the end it transitioned to a brief 'porn' clip of a woman getting slapped in the face by an enormous erect cock. I'm aware it was probably set up but she appeared to be shocked by it and, tbh, it looked painful.

I saw it but didn't reply because I was feeling a bit crap and just couldn't be bothered dealing with it.

That was about 7pm and 40 mins later he sent a follow up message saying he had thought it was funny anyway.

I didn't respond to that either and heard nothing else.

I want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

I can anticipate his reaction that I'm over reacting and it's just a joke but I've been sexually assaulted in the past and raped and i just don't find it funny. I think its probably the sort of thing he and his mates send to each other and so won't see the problem with it.

It just put me right off.

But i am curious as to whether anyone would actually be ok with it?

He sounds dreadful. I am wondering why you are even with him tbh.
I'm not.

I dumped him 3 days ago...

Yuck.

How old is he???? That is so immature. It's also degrading for the woman which he doesn't seem to have empathy for.) It seems like he doesn't know women well at all.

I wasn't sure if it was a statement implying that men who are consumers of porn are all somehow "ruined", which I wouldn't have agreed with at all. But from what you're saying it's almost a fixation with it, to the point of not being in touch with reality. Rather than occasional usage, as such.

Not necessarily to the point of not being in touch with reality.

I think a lot of men who use it more than 'occasionally' are affected by it. Even if it just influences the way they do sex or their expectations of what 'normal' sex is/looks like.

Sex with men who use a lot of porn ends up being quite 'performative' with little to no connection. It's just boring, tbh.

Good for you having high standards!!! Don't lower them for anyone

I think a lot of men who use it more than 'occasionally' are affected by it. Even if it just influences the way they do sex or their expectations of what 'normal' sex is/looks like.

Sorry to derail the thread as I know this is besides your original OP... but I wondered therefore what your take would be on couples who watch porn together as part of their sex life, both enjoying it and feeling that it enhances enjoyment rather than skews perceptions of "normal"?

but I wondered therefore what your take would be on couples who watch porn together as part of their sex life, both enjoying it and feeling that it enhances enjoyment rather than skews perceptions of "normal"?

I think that if you are happy with it, it is completely irrelevant what I think. I don't have an opinion on your sex life or the sex you and your partner engage in.

However, I do think the fact that, as you are posting on an unrelated thread (as this thread isn't about porn use in a relationship) then maybe you are not as comfortable with it deep down as you would like to think you are. Otherwise, my thread wouldn't have triggered a response in you that required you to seek my opinion.

But, since you asked, I find it quite sad that you both need to become sexually aroused by watching porn rather than being able to turn each other on with your minds and bodies 🤷🏻‍♀️

Going for a wank after Christmas dinner 🤮

But, since you asked, I find it quite sad that you both need to become sexually aroused by watching porn rather than being able to turn each other on with your minds and bodies

This isn't the case, at all in the slightest. But since you made the assumption, I'll clarify that we enjoy it occasionally. It most certainly isn't a requirement. Hence my question as there are lots of comments on here to the effect that porn is always abhorrent to women and creates sex pest men. I'm simply offering an alternative viewpoint, in that, this isn't always the case.

maybe you are not as comfortable with it deep down as you would like to think you are. Otherwise, my thread wouldn't have triggered a response in you that required you to seek my opinion.

Again, not correct. I'm entirely comfortable with it. The reason I asked was because I seem to be so vastly in the minority on here based on some of these comments, which prompted me to seek clarification on the "porn ruined" men thing.

What is wrong with men 😒

that required you to seek my opinion.

Also - I didn't necessarily seek your opinion. Another poster used the phrase "porn ruined men", so I sought clarification (from anyone really) on what this means. You just so happened to be the one who answered my question, hence my next question being directed at you. I'm just interested in the thinking behind it, that's all. But maybe this isn't the right thread ...

LouJ85

With respect, if you want to talk about your sex life, either start your own thread or find another one that is more relevant to what you want to talk about.

In my experience, porn makes poor lovers of men. But that isn't what this thread is about.

Perhaps the women posting here just have different expectations of sex than you. And different expectations of men than you 🤷🏻‍♀️

@ByAnotherNameToday

LouJ85

With respect, if you want to talk about your sex life, either start your own thread or find another one that is more relevant to what you want to talk about.

In my experience, porn makes poor lovers of men. But that isn't what this thread is about.

Perhaps the women posting here just have different expectations of sex than you. And different expectations of men than you 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't "want to talk about my sex life". I asked for clarification on a term that was being used, that's all.

And yes, I can see the vastly different expectations and approaches towards sex expressed on here and that I'm clearly in the minority with my views and likes.

For what it's worth, back to your op (and despite my occasional enjoyment of porn), I wouldn't have found the video particularly funny either.

@ScottishBetty

What is wrong with men 😒

Well, exactly.

I do wonder whether some of them think "well, I'm fiftysomething now, I might be dead in 15 -20 years if I'm unlucky, I might as well do what I want and seek out as much pleasure as possible, and to hell with what anyone thinks of me".

LouJ85 I wasn't sure if it was a statement implying that men who are consumers of porn are all somehow "ruined", which I wouldn't have agreed with at all. But from what you're saying it's almost a fixation with it, to the point of not being in touch with reality. Rather than occasional usage, as such.

I must admit I sometimes find the "typical British attitude" to porn can be a little uptight. I grew up in another European country where it was more open to use porn. But I'm talking about what would now probably be termed "vanilla porn" which would appeal equally to both men and women.

But I still understood what was meant by the phrase "men being ruined by porn". Maybe its more of a personal interpretation of this, but for me men are ruined for serious, respectful relationships if they indulge in any kind of sleazy behaviour. So whether that be an unusual interest in anything other than vanilla porn, or sleeping around, they are ruined in my mind for pursuing anything with. I wouldn't even risk casual sex with them if I did casual sex. Wouldn't touch anyone like that with a bargepole and I find them quite easy to spot.

There do seem to be a lot of men who are ruined now, who view women as vessels for their pleasure and nothing more, and who just put fulfilling their own desires at the forefront of everything they do. Someone like that will never be any good for another person to get involved with.

I must admit I sometimes find the "typical British attitude" to porn can be a little uptight. I grew up in another European country where it was more open to use porn. But I'm talking about what would now probably be termed "vanilla porn" which would appeal equally to both men and women.

I have to agree. I suppose the things I enjoy would be more in the "vanilla" category then, perhaps... I certainly don't find it appealing to see men hitting women in the face - with any part of their body!

I suppose the angle I was coming at it from was, if men are "ruined" by porn consumption, where does that leave women and / or loving couples who also enjoy it? They do exist.

I guess it's maybe reference for the more hardcore/ borderline aggressive stuff (which personally does nothing for me), that led to this phrase?

Take it somewhere else, Lou.

It's just irrelevant here.

As you said yourself, as someone who uses it, you wouldn't have found it funny either.

So what you do in your relationship is irrelevant because this thread isn't about mutual consensual porn use in a relationship.

It about a man who seemed quite nice who turned out to be a cock!

LouJ85

Although, based on your last post, the porn you use in your relationship is not what many men are watching on their own and is not what is negatively influencing their sexual desires and practises in general.

Nor is what is made into videos being shared round the internet as funny.

*Take it somewhere else, Lou.

It's just irrelevant here.*

It's not irrelevant on a thread that has blamed pornography consumption for a man's shitty behaviour, though is it? Because that's such a blanket statement, meaning that those of us who don't engage in sexually shitty behaviour towards others yet still enjoy porn (and know men who are the same), end up questioning why an apparently sexually healthy behaviour that we engage in is being blamed for men being dicks.

However - I'm out of this discussion now as you clearly aren't interested in any view point that differs at all from yours.

Although, based on your last post, the porn you use in your relationship is not what many men are watching on their own and is not what is negatively influencing their sexual desires and practises in general.

Exactly. Hence my original query with the blanket term "porn ruined" men. It's not all bad.

Ah sorry OP! That will teach me to RTFT! 
Good for you though @ByAnotherNameToday

Exactly. Hence my original query with the blanket term "porn ruined" men. It's not all bad.

But that poster referred specifically to men who had been 'ruined' by porn. Not those who used it respectfully within a relationship and behave respectfully towards their partner.

It's not that I'm not open to another viewpoint but you were initially offering a viewpoint on a topic that wasn't being discussed.

And more than that, you and I actually agree on the point we are discussing!

Ah sorry OP! That will teach me to RTFT!

He needs to grow up. What you had planned to say to him sounds perfect to me!