Is there anyone who ^would^ be ok with this?

[ByAnotherNameToday]

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and its exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend all that. Not that it's relevant but just wanted to give some context. He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no.

Yesterday, I spent the day alone - it was my choice. He had invited me over. Anyway, I anticipated a day of self indulgence but ended up just feeling melancholy and sad.

To 'cheer me up' he sent me a short video of something completely innocuous but at the end it transitioned to a brief 'porn' clip of a woman getting slapped in the face by an enormous erect cock. I'm aware it was probably set up but she appeared to be shocked by it and, tbh, it looked painful.

I saw it but didn't reply because I was feeling a bit crap and just couldn't be bothered dealing with it.

That was about 7pm and 40 mins later he sent a follow up message saying he had thought it was funny anyway.

I didn't respond to that either and heard nothing else.

I want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

I can anticipate his reaction that I'm over reacting and it's just a joke but I've been sexually assaulted in the past and raped and i just don't find it funny. I think its probably the sort of thing he and his mates send to each other and so won't see the problem with it.

It just put me right off.

But i am curious as to whether anyone would actually be ok with it?

Sorry but I have to add that you do not have to have a history of sexual assault to be allowed to not find violence towards others funny.

It's completely irrelevant and I can't believe people are asking if he knows. I've never been sexually assaulted and I'd be fucking furious if someone thought I'd find that funny.

I hate to be even more pessimistic, but I can't imagine he'll have a moment of self-reflection. Men like this are basically entitled, self-righteous supremacists.

I am gobsmacked he's 50 and still behaving like this. You are completely right and justified especially as he knows your views on porn and your history. Plus the fact it's just fucking gross and unfunny.

Your second message sounds great. He sounds absolutely grim. I would be horrified to receive a clip like that and would also be ending the relationship

If it were me, I'd ask him if he'd be perfectly happy if it was his own mother or daughter in the clip being assaulted. Then I would delete and block.

What a vile misogynistic aresehole.

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Sorry but I have to add that you do not have to have a history of sexual assault to be allowed to not find violence towards others funny.

It's completely irrelevant and I can't believe people are asking if he knows. I've never been sexually assaulted and I'd be fucking furious if someone thought I'd find that funny.

This.

I’ve seen the clip or one very similar.
I really wouldn’t be offended by it either. We all have different limits though and this is yours.
Its probably best to end it as you aren’t compatible.

@gettingfedupagain

The women who "can't see the problem" have been groomed to accept the depiction of sexual violence against women in order to not upset men. There's an element of Stockholm syndrome "oh look it's happening to that woman, if I upset the men it could happen to me" but it's terrifying to identify this in yourself. Look how much "prude" has been used on here! It's used by men to make women question their sexual boundaries and accept poor treatment.

Yes, absolutely, @gettingfedupagain. I'm surprised that women replying here seem to think this kind of thing is at all acceptable. I'm afraid this is a manifestation of something I was reading recently about sexual attitudes today, compared to when I were a lass. I think it was that because of the availability of quite nasty forms of porn on the internet, young people, possibly men in particular, have come to believe that what (to my mind) should be considered unnatural sexual behaviour, is now considered to be normal and as a result, rape and paedophilia, amongst other things, are becoming less and less of a taboo. I hope that makes sense, I'm a bit jumbled here. @ByAnotherNameToday - no way would I think that was OK. But I'm nearly a pensioner, so maybe a different generation?

I have been online dating for a couple of years on.and off. The sinking feeling when you get something along the lines of that video and realise that someone you thought was fun, educated and normal is a misogynistic sex creep is depressing. And the older ones seem to embrace that behaviour just as much as younger ones. It is an entitlement. Ugh

People talking about ‘being offended’ are missing the point entirely. I’m not ‘offended.’ I’m angry that sexual violence, assault and degradation/dehumanisation of women is accepted as something funny and apparently not a big deal.

We’re definitely on a regressive, retrograde path.

I wouldn't be okay with that. My husband, 47!, wouldn't be okay with that. We would both find the gift wrapped willy mildly amusing in that context, that's okay because it's his body in a context you both recognise and consent to.

Send the text but dont feel obligated to explain any more to him. He's choosing not to understand some very basic ideas here, you dont need to be responsible for showing him why it's not ok.

The gift wrapped knob would have been a deal breaker for me.
What a world we live in.
Is everyone except me sending each other photos of their genitals?
Why the hell would I want a picture of that?

It sometimes feels that as a sex, women have been subject to a mass grooming exercise over recent decades. Boundaries being continuously eroded until we appear to be falling over ourselves to see them as 'prudish' and to reject them ourselves.

Surely this is how we end up in a society where the reality now allows a woman to be blamed for her own murder, dressed up as consensual sexual assault accidentally taken 'too far'.

I would have the exact same reaction as you OP. This is him pushing boundaries.

You can't come back from the ick.

I suspect that IDontMindMarmite is spot on.

That is grim. I wouldn't explain, just ditch him and move on.

I just wanted to say a quick thank you to you all - I was sexually abused as a child and have appalling boundaries in my adult relationships (to the point where I’ve been single by choice to try fix this).

I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid at receiving this text - it’s really useful for me to see how ‘normal’ people react to this sort of thing. I’m going to save this thread so I can try and work on my boundaries. Thank you

Spot on Fluffymule

I think you need to mention specifically why you’re not ok with it so he doesn’t think it’s just you being a prude
I hugely disagree.
He just needs to know it is unacceptable to send that to ANYONE
To answer your question, I would not be ok with it either. And who gives a fuck if he thinks you are a "prude" Even more reason to dump him ( if you needed more reasons!)

he found it amusing, you didnt
you want to end the relationship due to this?
you want opinions?

it is your life op, you have been sexually assaulted and raped in the past so it touches a nerve with you

He sounds very immature, this behaviour would make my skin crawl.

I dated someone similar a year or so ago, became clear he had a porn addiction though I put it down to him being single for a long time, the final straw was when he tried to strangle me during sex (with no warning), apparently it’s a porn thing and all woman like it 😬.

I’m no prude but I wouldn’t be impressed with someone sending me a porn clip or any reference to porn, the gift wrapped dick may have been amusing but still a bit childish.

@HollyandIvyandallthingsYule

People talking about ‘being offended’ are missing the point entirely. I’m not ‘offended.’ I’m angry that sexual violence, assault and degradation/dehumanisation of women is accepted as something funny and apparently not a big deal.

We’re definitely on a regressive, retrograde path.

Totally this. It’s not someone saying ‘shit’ in front of the vicar.

And yes, maybe it was a paid actress and staged. That in itself is a reflection of the problem.

I would send a supplementary follow up and say 'how would you feel if that was your mother or sister (or cousin/daughter)? Porn is for teenagers and boys in their 20s, not adult men in their 50s. There is nothing attractive about porn and certainly nothing attractive about treating women as sexual objects. It's disgusting and I feel so ashamed I knew you'.

We would both find the gift wrapped willy mildly amusing in that context, that's okay because it's his body in a context you both recognise and consent to

Exactly that. He was consenting To send me a picture of himself in the context of a conversation. Although, notably, he deleted it after I'd seen it. Presumably so i wouldn't forward ot to anyone else...

Oh the hypocrisy!

Wouldn’t find it particularly funny but certainly wouldn’t be offended my god. I can understand from your past experiences why this might upset you but other than that I’d just say it’s an unfunny joke and wouldn’t bat and eyelid

I'm not offended by it. I'm angry.

A woman was sexually degraded and humiliated and men see fit to share it around the internet and laugh at her.

Especially when one of the men doing it has deleted a photo of his own cock so that I can't do the same...

Oh, and add 'no woman would be ok with that degradation. If you want to turn women off and end up all alone, you are going the right way about it. NO lady would appreciate being sent that.'

Disorganisedfish

That's also my concern. That the majority of the women who would be ok with it probably have experiences in their background that have normalised the appalling treatment of women.