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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there anyone who ^would^ be ok with this?

473 replies

ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 06:54

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and its exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend all that. Not that it's relevant but just wanted to give some context. He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no.

Yesterday, I spent the day alone - it was my choice. He had invited me over. Anyway, I anticipated a day of self indulgence but ended up just feeling melancholy and sad.

To 'cheer me up' he sent me a short video of something completely innocuous but at the end it transitioned to a brief 'porn' clip of a woman getting slapped in the face by an enormous erect cock. I'm aware it was probably set up but she appeared to be shocked by it and, tbh, it looked painful.

I saw it but didn't reply because I was feeling a bit crap and just couldn't be bothered dealing with it.

That was about 7pm and 40 mins later he sent a follow up message saying he had thought it was funny anyway.

I didn't respond to that either and heard nothing else.

I want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

I can anticipate his reaction that I'm over reacting and it's just a joke but I've been sexually assaulted in the past and raped and i just don't find it funny. I think its probably the sort of thing he and his mates send to each other and so won't see the problem with it.

It just put me right off.

But i am curious as to whether anyone would actually be ok with it?

OP posts:
Snipples · 26/12/2020 07:41

God these videos sounds absolutely hideous. I would definitely not be ok with that at all. I think you're right to end things. You don't need to justify yourself or tell him about your past. Your message is perfect as it is. He sounds gross. Sorry!

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 07:42

but op it is your decision, it makes no ounce of difference what I or other posters feel about it

Well quite but i curious as to whether any women would find it amusing.

Like I say, men arent quite so keen to share clips of men being sexually humiliated 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
stanlet · 26/12/2020 07:44

@Skipsurvey

i think i have seen that penis thing, it is a joke
Yep it's been around for ages and the slap coincides with the previous music or whatever.
nosswith · 26/12/2020 07:47

I am a man. I don't think what was shared was acceptable, and your decision to end the relationship was the correct one.

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 07:48

I don't think its the same video then. Ive just watched it again. There was no music. The man was standing, she was kneeling next to him and it quite clearly came as a shock. It was a hard slap, she looked shocked, recoiled and instinctively put her hand up to her mouth/mose where she had been hit.

Tbh, it was worse on the second viewing.

It wasn't funny. It was painful, humiliating, unexpected and an assault.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 26/12/2020 07:48

It would be a complete turn off for me. I think the reply message you suggested sounds fine.

Everytime you receive a text from him you'll be sighing and wondering what bit of rubbish he has decided to share with you now. That's not the basis of an enjoyable relationship.

YellowBeryl · 26/12/2020 07:51

No it is not acceptable. You message is just fine. Send it, block and be grateful he revealed his true self now before you got in too deep,

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 07:51

Tbh, given the size of the cock and direction of the hit, it probably felt like a punch in the nose than a joke.

She certainly wasn't laughing.

Hmm, on the basis of this I might revise the message i send.

nosswith

That's good to hear, tbh!

Last night i was just irritated by it. I was tired, distracted and didnt pay much attention to the detials. Now I've seen it again, I'm cross.

OP posts:
JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 26/12/2020 07:54

To the posters who find this funny, just because your boundaries don’t include not wanting to see women being sexually humiliated on your WhatsApp messages doesn’t mean it’s acceptable or amusing to most people.

OP this would be a big turn off for me.

HollowTalk · 26/12/2020 07:56

@YouShouldLeave

Can people just stop with the ”prude” crap?!

That’s some serious internalized misogyny.

Women are aloud to have boundaries, not like whatever sexual behavior or not have se at all, it doesn’t make them prudes.

Who, here, has said that?
Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 07:59

Well tbf, I did in my op. And someone else suggested I explain my background to demonstrate I'm not a prude.

And that poster was right to pull us up on it.

But I guess that is because sexual humiliation of women is so common place that we're all.just supposed to find it funny.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2020 08:02

When I read your op, I gasped. This is way beyond anything I’d be ok with. As others have said, he’s testing the waters and trying to break down your boundaries. My initial thoughts are disgust and tells you everything you need to know about how he sees women.

IrisAtwood · 26/12/2020 08:02

That is a definite no from me. I wouldn’t want to be around anyone who found that funny and funny enough to pass on.

madcatladyforever · 26/12/2020 08:02

Your message is exactly right please send it and dump this horrible man.

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 08:03

I'm thinking I might say something more along the lines of, "I'm never going to find women being sexually humiliated amusing and she certainly didn't appear to find it funny." and then say the incompatibility bit.

Not that I think it'll make him view it any differently but still.

OP posts:
yellowhighheels · 26/12/2020 08:03

I would have said something very similar OP. You shouldn't explain further making this about your background because it isn't, it's about that being a really unpleasant thing to send and find funny. Boundaries are so important.

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 08:04

That is a definite no from me. I wouldn’t want to be around anyone who found that funny and funny enough to pass on

Likewise.

OP posts:
pictish · 26/12/2020 08:04

“It wasn't funny. It was painful, humiliating, unexpected and an assault.”

Say that to him! Those exact words. Ask him why HE is amused by it...what the appeal is?

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 26/12/2020 08:06

He is 50 and on a day you are alone he sends a picture of a wrapped cock and then the cock slapping one.

So much I could say here but won’t. But just no. Don’t waste a second more if your precious life with a man like this

Djouce · 26/12/2020 08:06

I can’t believe you’re even asking if you’re instincts are right, OP. Your message is good — send it.

Snowy0w1 · 26/12/2020 08:07

no I would not be ok with that.

I second the ''how is that funny'?'' question. Maybe I wouldn't bother to even ask it. But that is what he should have to confront?

Snowy0w1 · 26/12/2020 08:08

You are SO not unreasonable to get turned off by that.

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 08:08

I'm not asking if I should be bothered by it. I was just curious whether there is anyone who wouldn't be.

OP posts:
Ideasplease322 · 26/12/2020 08:09

I agree you are not compatible. This sort of thing would put me right off.

I just know he would irritate and repulse me.

Dont let him make you feel like it’s you who has the issue.

Your message is perfect

Sally872 · 26/12/2020 08:09

Would not be ok with me either. I think your message is perfect.