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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there anyone who ^would^ be ok with this?

473 replies

ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 06:54

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and its exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend all that. Not that it's relevant but just wanted to give some context. He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no.

Yesterday, I spent the day alone - it was my choice. He had invited me over. Anyway, I anticipated a day of self indulgence but ended up just feeling melancholy and sad.

To 'cheer me up' he sent me a short video of something completely innocuous but at the end it transitioned to a brief 'porn' clip of a woman getting slapped in the face by an enormous erect cock. I'm aware it was probably set up but she appeared to be shocked by it and, tbh, it looked painful.

I saw it but didn't reply because I was feeling a bit crap and just couldn't be bothered dealing with it.

That was about 7pm and 40 mins later he sent a follow up message saying he had thought it was funny anyway.

I didn't respond to that either and heard nothing else.

I want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

I can anticipate his reaction that I'm over reacting and it's just a joke but I've been sexually assaulted in the past and raped and i just don't find it funny. I think its probably the sort of thing he and his mates send to each other and so won't see the problem with it.

It just put me right off.

But i am curious as to whether anyone would actually be ok with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 08:10

Say that to him! Those exact words. Ask him why HE is amused by it...what the appeal is?

Maybe I will... I won't ask him why he finds it funny. I'm not interested in his response. If it holds even the tiniest mirror up to him then that'll be good enough.

OP posts:
FestiveFannyGallops · 26/12/2020 08:10

Ugh. Get rid. Say everything in one message as he'll try to draw you back with excuses but Davy if you send them block. What a disgusting excuse for a man.

Mulhollandmagoo · 26/12/2020 08:11

Another no here! I dont understand why men think we would ever want to see that! It's awful.

You also mention in your OP that he makes subtle porn references, even though he is respectful when you decline, that fact that he continues to do so even though you must have indicated it's not your thing, probably means when you're further down the line he'll push these requests more. You haven't been together very long and he's already repeatedly mentioning it

Snowy0w1 · 26/12/2020 08:12

@Stepintochristmas

I wouldn’t be ok with this. I think you need to mention specifically why you’re not ok with it so he doesn’t think it’s just you being a prude. Then maybe he will think twice about sending things like this to women in the future.
No. I've never been raped or sexually assaulted but I feel completely furious by how many of us have been. I would end a relationship for this. As the OP said, it exposes an incompatibility.
legosnowqueen · 26/12/2020 08:12

Vile. Let him go...

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 26/12/2020 08:13

I think I've seen that WhatsApp clip. I just see it as a juvenile joke, it really doesn't bother me. However you have to do what you feel comfortable with. If he's got a silly sense of humour and you're clenching at his sense of humour then it probably won't work long term.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 26/12/2020 08:14

Nothing about this man sounds attractive.

If I had the energy to get int a conversation about it, I'd ask him to explain - precisely - why he found that clip funny. It's all too easy for people (men and women) to bluster that something like that is a "joke" and it is then quite enlightening to get them to openly articulate is that the reason it's a joke is because they find the humiliation and degradation of women funny.

Maybe skipsurvey could explain to those of us who are missing the punchline precisely why it's funny?

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 26/12/2020 08:16

Life’s too short to debate it with him. Your message is perfect. Get shot. Have a fresh new year without this man child.

Skipsurvey · 26/12/2020 08:17

life is too short @TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

ToffeeNotCoffee · 26/12/2020 08:20

*“It wasn't funny. It was painful, humiliating, unexpected and an assault.”

Say that to him! Those exact words. Ask him why HE is amused by it...what the appeal is?*

That's right. When you send the message to him, he will reply with, 'it was only a joke, what the matter with you ?' Or words to that effect.

I don't know what's worse him finding it funny or him finding it acceptable to send it to you like you're one of his buddies. The fact that this follows on from his gift wrapped willy photo confirms, to me at least, that he is very much testing the waters.

It reminds me of a scene from 'Royal Family' Christmas special where the Dad of Antony's girlfriend remarks to Jim that he's got a bit on the side who is so sexually adventurous, he can treat her like a farmyard animal.

Yes, I also agree that would he find it funny if it was a man being sexually humiliated and the clip being passed round electronically for ever more.

OK, porn models are paid for their work or coerced into being humiliated and degraded. He doesn't have a problem with that and actually finds it entertaining......

ChaToilLeam · 26/12/2020 08:26

I would not be ok with this either. Sexual violence is not entertaining or funny.

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/12/2020 08:28

I wouldn't. What makes it worse is that you've been clear with him that this sort of thing wasn't for you. Just makes me feels that he doesn't see your boundaries as important, he's going to push for what you don't like sexually. Who needs that?

AtlasPine · 26/12/2020 08:31

There are definitely many men who would not find this clip funny but see the abuse in it. I’d suggest you hang on for one of them or remain independent.

And well done for acting on a red flag quickly. I doubt he’ll get the message and act on it to change but that’s his issue. Let him think what he wants - at 50, like that, he’s a lost cause.

Djouce · 26/12/2020 08:32

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

I think I've seen that WhatsApp clip. I just see it as a juvenile joke, it really doesn't bother me. However you have to do what you feel comfortable with. If he's got a silly sense of humour and you're clenching at his sense of humour then it probably won't work long term.
I’m sure he did intend it as a ‘juvenile joke’, which is precisely the problem, surely? Why is an assault funny?
Eckhart · 26/12/2020 08:33

@ByAnotherNameToday

So many women accept it though. They must or men would have realised by now it's not good for the continuation of their sex life to do it!
You have better boundaries than they do. Your message is perfect, you don't need to add anything. It lets him know what's going on clearly and succinctly and without fuss.

His response in irrelevant. By the time he sends it, he will be 'a bloke you had a few dates with and dumped'. You don't need to engage if the conversation is distasteful or he's invalidating your feelings.

MeridianB · 26/12/2020 08:34

@CaraDuneRedux

Nope, I wouldn't be okay with that.

Sleazy, boundary testing.

Your message is spot on. Remember to block him after. And who cares if he thinks you're a prude? It's his world view that's messed up, not yours.

This exactly. You deserve better, OP.
HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 26/12/2020 08:35

God it’s so depressing isn’t it? I used to be so hopeful that things were going to change for the better, but actually it’s gotten far, far worse. Sad

Anyway, to answer your question, no. I don’t think any aware woman, nor many men, would be okay with that. Those who are, are deeply messed up and damaged, have been inured in some way by society’s misogynistic indoctrination, or thoroughly stupid.

justanotherneighinparadise · 26/12/2020 08:36

To be honest I wouldn’t even give him the satisfaction of knowing that pissed me off. Leave it a couple more days and then just say Christmas gave you the chance to reevaluate and you’ve decided you don’t want to take the relationship any further. He doesn’t require further details when you’re only a few months in.

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 08:36

I think I've seen that WhatsApp clip. I just see it as a juvenile joke

What is funny about a woman being sexually assaulted, humiliated and hurt??

OP posts:
Twinpeaksdancingman · 26/12/2020 08:38

I have seen this video, didn’t bother me...

You don’t seem compatible, send the text, move on.

merrymouse · 26/12/2020 08:39

I'm not going to explain my reasons. It really does just expose a complete incompatibility

I think this is right, and I wouldn’t waste time with further explanations. It would be nice to think that he might learn something, but at 50 this is unlikely, particularly if he is feeling defensive.

AtlasPine · 26/12/2020 08:40

@Twinpeaksdancingman

I have seen this video, didn’t bother me...

You don’t seem compatible, send the text, move on.

And if it had been your daughter being assaulted? Still wouldn’t have bothered you then?
AcornAutumn · 26/12/2020 08:40

@HollyandIvyandallthingsYule

God it’s so depressing isn’t it? I used to be so hopeful that things were going to change for the better, but actually it’s gotten far, far worse. Sad

Anyway, to answer your question, no. I don’t think any aware woman, nor many men, would be okay with that. Those who are, are deeply messed up and damaged, have been inured in some way by society’s misogynistic indoctrination, or thoroughly stupid.

I stopped any dating etc a few years ago

Is this really what it’s like now?

Run for the hills OP.

whenwillthemadnessend · 26/12/2020 08:40

I wouldn't want this in a relationship. He sounds like a teenager from the inbettweeners!!

Also no time like the present to send that text !

Midnightstar76 · 26/12/2020 08:41

No I absolutely would no find this acceptable behaviour. I think you are very right to end it. Your reply to end things is worded very well.