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Original poster

Is there anyone who ^would^ be ok with this?

473 replies

ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 06:54

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and its exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend all that. Not that it's relevant but just wanted to give some context. He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no.

Yesterday, I spent the day alone - it was my choice. He had invited me over. Anyway, I anticipated a day of self indulgence but ended up just feeling melancholy and sad.

To 'cheer me up' he sent me a short video of something completely innocuous but at the end it transitioned to a brief 'porn' clip of a woman getting slapped in the face by an enormous erect cock. I'm aware it was probably set up but she appeared to be shocked by it and, tbh, it looked painful.

I saw it but didn't reply because I was feeling a bit crap and just couldn't be bothered dealing with it.

That was about 7pm and 40 mins later he sent a follow up message saying he had thought it was funny anyway.

I didn't respond to that either and heard nothing else.

I want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

I can anticipate his reaction that I'm over reacting and it's just a joke but I've been sexually assaulted in the past and raped and i just don't find it funny. I think its probably the sort of thing he and his mates send to each other and so won't see the problem with it.

It just put me right off.

But i am curious as to whether anyone would actually be ok with it?

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 29/12/2020 10:04

@Purplethrow

You could send him the link to this thread. I think I would feel the same Op , I would want to hammer home to him why this is so wrong.
He's not going to read it though, or if he does, he might get off on upsetting women.

He's in his fifties, he's single and he gets dumped, presumably repeatedly, for his problem. He's almost certainly going to end up alone and ageing. He's not really worth expending any more effort on.

It is sad when men end up like this, because you wonder what they must have been like when they were younger and maybe a bit more innocent/decent. How did they turn into these people that someone else wants so little to do with that they have to end it by text because they disgust them so much?

It's very much this man's problem and if he is incapable of working out why he's alone in his fifties, then he isn't capable of the cognitive reasoning to sustain a relationship. His only hope is finding someone really desperate.

Misbeehived · 29/12/2020 10:18

Don’t poke the bear. More powerful for him to figure out for himself and less risky that you get drawn into something if it becomes a conversation.

I have no history which would influence my thinking but would find it unacceptable to be sent that. It would have turned me off as a young woman from men my own age, but would find repellant from a man in his 50s. I also agree that he is likely to be testing the boundaries and a best he’s shown no empathy towards you.

Take care

Deathgrip · 29/12/2020 10:29

In my experience with porn-addled twats like this, i would say you might be being overly generous thinking this is an error of judgement. Far more likely either to be testing of boundaries, or enjoyment of the reaction. This is a man who knows you’ve been the victim of sexual assault and knows you’ve refused his requests for certain acts - unless he has a significant learning disability, I struggle to believe this was an error of judgement or lack of thought. You’ve done the right thing IMO.

Sandals19 · 29/12/2020 10:29

It's not just the consent issue though, is it?

Even if the woman in the video consented fully to every single bit of that (her background & circumstances aside, which would have an effect on that consent) .... It's a sleazy/sexual, fairly degrading tableau and it wasn't welcome; like it wouldn't be welcome to many women. Many people wouldn't want to see that, would find it uncomfortable, it's not what they want yo be looking at and passing around.

It reflects on the sender; they're vulgar, base, immature etc.

At the best if times, let alone when you've said you're a bit down in the mouth. You contrasted on of your male friend's behaviour and that's it in a nutshell. You don't like/aren't compatible with his character (I'd be the same, and there are plenty of other women who'd feel the same).
It's a turn off - emotionally, sexually etc.

Sandals19 · 29/12/2020 10:34

He'll end up with noone or with a woman who thinks she's ok with that sort of thing.

I used to work in IT and encountered sexual images and videos of both women and men being circulated by the mostly female workforce. And a few have popped up in this thread saying they'd be ok with it. They've described it as a joke.

To me it's the weirdest and most unfunny joke, but ...

He'll just have to meet one of those women, or be single.

I don't think there's much in trying to educate him. If he's like that at 50, he's like that.

His preoccupation with sex, his dick, wanking etc is a massive turn off too (and doesn't suggest hrs well adjusted).

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 29/12/2020 10:35

@Sandals19

It's not just the consent issue though, is it?

Even if the woman in the video consented fully to every single bit of that (her background & circumstances aside, which would have an effect on that consent) .... It's a sleazy/sexual, fairly degrading tableau and it wasn't welcome; like it wouldn't be welcome to many women. Many people wouldn't want to see that, would find it uncomfortable, it's not what they want yo be looking at and passing around.

It reflects on the sender; they're vulgar, base, immature etc.

At the best if times, let alone when you've said you're a bit down in the mouth. You contrasted on of your male friend's behaviour and that's it in a nutshell. You don't like/aren't compatible with his character (I'd be the same, and there are plenty of other women who'd feel the same).
It's a turn off - emotionally, sexually etc.

This.
HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 29/12/2020 10:36

@Deathgrip

In my experience with porn-addled twats like this, i would say you might be being overly generous thinking this is an error of judgement. Far more likely either to be testing of boundaries, or enjoyment of the reaction. This is a man who knows you’ve been the victim of sexual assault and knows you’ve refused his requests for certain acts - unless he has a significant learning disability, I struggle to believe this was an error of judgement or lack of thought. You’ve done the right thing IMO.
Yes.
HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 29/12/2020 10:37

@ByAnotherNameToday don’t waste your time trying to get through to him. Men like this don’t change. Move on.

Sandals19 · 29/12/2020 10:39

I mean the gift wrapped dick pic he sent you too ....Confused

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2020 11:30

I wouldn't respond to him - it hands power to him that you're still giving him headspace.

GreenlandTheMovie · 29/12/2020 11:32

@Sandals19

I mean the gift wrapped dick pic he sent you too ....Confused
No, I mean, who on earth does that? Maybe it would be funny if you had been with someone for a while and you both shared the same sense of humour, but otherwise how far up his own backside is this man that he diesnt even stop to consider that not everyone's as fascinated by his dick as he is himself?

Does he actually manage to hold down a regular job OP? I just ask out of interest as this type often struggle with social constructs in the workplace too.

Dances · 29/12/2020 11:55

I think replying now would dilute your firm 'No'.

Honeyroar · 29/12/2020 12:04

I wouldn’t add another reply now. You said enough and it’s been a few days. For all his faults he just got dumped and it would be adding salt to the wound.

nanbread · 29/12/2020 12:12

Thing is it doesn't matter what I think. You don't like it so that's all that matters.

This.

If I really liked someone and they were otherwise an upstanding kind of bloke I might give them a chance to educate themselves and understand what's wrong with sending something like that, and if they made an effort to see why and were remorseful then that might be enough - for me. Everyone makes thoughtless or hurtful mistakes sometimes.

But given he's already talked about porn I don't think I'd be into him in the first place.

nevernotstruggling · 29/12/2020 12:28

The incompatibility bit in the suggested message is exactly the point.

Have you sent it op?

ZippedyDooDa · 29/12/2020 12:28

100% agree with you OP. I would do the same.

Snog · 29/12/2020 12:38

I'm not ok with dick pics let alone this

ZippedyDooDa · 29/12/2020 12:45

Well done OP.
We need a dating app for non-misogynistic non-porn-ruined men!

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 29/12/2020 13:17

Yeah, you're all absolutely right!

I've read and reflected on the subsequent replies and you're absolutely right - whatever point you've made.

It does dilute the firm no because it reopens dialogue.

It does give him.power and he isnt going to changed...

He's self employed, well travelled, intelligent, intellectual, generally kind and compassionate, similar social attitude Not racist not homophobic not sexist in every day interactions but, like a lot of men, falls at this hurdle.

He was generally very respectful of me. I would get to his house to my dinner on the table - all cooked fresh and from scratch, didn't have to lift a finger. He would drive for an hour just to spend a hour with me and drive back again. We play the same instrument. I'm better than him and he wasn't jealous or 'neggy' in any way. It was just this issue. Like a totally different person inhabiting the same body.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 29/12/2020 13:18

We need a dating app for non-misogynistic non-porn-ruined men!

I suspect it would be very quiet...

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 29/12/2020 13:22

@Sandals19

He did also tell me that he'd gone to bed for a wank after christmas dinner too...

How is that actually attractive/sexy btw? Do men really think we fantasise about them stuffing Christmas dinner into them and then nipping off a wank - like "oh, that's exactly what my fantasy man would be doing in Christmas day at home?"

He gives the impression like a lot of men on old that he thinks women are there as a recipient and prop for his porn filled, self obsessed fantasies.

Exactly - if he had any idea what turned most women on, he’d have told OP that he’d just done the washing up after Xmas dinner and portioned all the leftovers up for next week. That would make me swoon more than the idea of him skiving off for a fucking wank and a nap. Idiot.
LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 14:10

Genuine question- can I ask what people mean by "porn ruined men"? (Sorry I haven't RTFT so apologies if it's been answered!)

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 29/12/2020 15:49

LouJ85

It refers to men who are such avid consumers of porn that they can't see the difference between real.women and porn stars. That they expect real.every day women to behave like porn stars. And that they assume the sort of sex women want is porn sex which is largely unsatisfying to most women because it's focused on male pleasure. They assume all.women think, speak and behave like porm stars...

OP posts:
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 29/12/2020 15:52

He sounds dreadful. I am wondering why you are even with him tbh.

LouJ85 · 29/12/2020 15:54

@ByAnotherNameToday

LouJ85

It refers to men who are such avid consumers of porn that they can't see the difference between real.women and porn stars. That they expect real.every day women to behave like porn stars. And that they assume the sort of sex women want is porn sex which is largely unsatisfying to most women because it's focused on male pleasure. They assume all.women think, speak and behave like porm stars...

Ahh ok that makes sense, thank you.

I wasn't sure if it was a statement implying that men who are consumers of porn are all somehow "ruined", which I wouldn't have agreed with at all. But from what you're saying it's almost a fixation with it, to the point of not being in touch with reality. Rather than occasional usage, as such.

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