Is there anyone who ^would^ be ok with this?

[ByAnotherNameToday]

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and its exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend all that. Not that it's relevant but just wanted to give some context. He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no.

Yesterday, I spent the day alone - it was my choice. He had invited me over. Anyway, I anticipated a day of self indulgence but ended up just feeling melancholy and sad.

To 'cheer me up' he sent me a short video of something completely innocuous but at the end it transitioned to a brief 'porn' clip of a woman getting slapped in the face by an enormous erect cock. I'm aware it was probably set up but she appeared to be shocked by it and, tbh, it looked painful.

I saw it but didn't reply because I was feeling a bit crap and just couldn't be bothered dealing with it.

That was about 7pm and 40 mins later he sent a follow up message saying he had thought it was funny anyway.

I didn't respond to that either and heard nothing else.

I want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

I can anticipate his reaction that I'm over reacting and it's just a joke but I've been sexually assaulted in the past and raped and i just don't find it funny. I think its probably the sort of thing he and his mates send to each other and so won't see the problem with it.

It just put me right off.

But i am curious as to whether anyone would actually be ok with it?

And don’t get me started on why the ‘fifty shades’ argument doesn’t hold up. Others have mentioned a couple of points.

I read on here about a poster who didn't want to watch a particular film because of a rape scene and her boyfriend told her not to be silly.

I wish she'd kept quiet and they'd watched it. Because when she told him it was a man being raped, he said "oh no, we can't watch that".

I agree @sandal19
I never watched or read them. But i did read jilly ciooper who i think wrote more from a woman's perspective

@AcornAutumn

I read on here about a poster who didn't want to watch a particular film because of a rape scene and her boyfriend told her not to be silly.

I wish she'd kept quiet and they'd watched it. Because when she told him it was a man being raped, he said "oh no, we can't watch that".

Oh my God. Wow. Poor woman Hope she escaped that relationship.

Ugh, no, that is childish at best and grim and nasty at worst, if he can set the bar so low when he should still be trying to impress you, can you imagine what he would be like in a year?

I may be ok with it....maybe not, just depends really. You are not ok with it though, so it’s not ok. End it. So what if he thinks your over reacting...that’s his problem, not yours.

I think you need to mention specifically why you’re not ok with it so he doesn’t think it’s just you being a prude. Since when was not being ok with sexual violence being a prude?! It's really concerning that people think this way.

OP I am also a survivor of sexual abuse and rape. I could never be with someone like that. I hope you are ok.

As PP have said, I hate the fact that I would automatically preface my response to this with an 'I'm not a prude but' comment, especially as someone who has been raped.

I enjoy aspects of sex other people wouldn't, if their preference is tender and gentle sex for example. My issue is that in this instance the punchline of the 'joke' (that isn't funny) is that a woman is surprised by a violent act / hurt / humiliated.

I would bet my home that a man who shared it would find a video of someone doing anything that made an animal experience a violent act / being hurt or degraded disgusting. That could never be the punchline to a joke.

So they view women as less than animals. How awful and what a clear sign of a misogynist. At least those who send stuff like this show who they really are.

Women being hurt / blindsided / humiliated / degraded by men are a punchline to them. The joke to a man who sends that is women experiencing those things. Vile.

I think I'd probably be okay with it and I was sexually assaulted as a teenager.
Thing is it doesn't matter what I think. You don't like it so that's all that matters.

Bloody depressing reading. I can't think of many men in my 30+ years of dating who didn't have a thing for porn or for treating women like objects.
Men I haven't dated : some have seemed very respectful and I couldn't imagine them sharing clips like this. Others would think this clip funny.
I am not a 'prude* but I'm so fed up with having to explain this stuff over and over again. I feel like people think I'm nuts when I try to explain it.
Well done op for knowing your boundaries

Well done OP.

So depressing to read of men like that.

I may be an older woman but I honestly can imagine for the life of me why anyone would be happy to receive such a clip.

"I know I said I was curious whether anyone would be ok with it and I'm not surprised that some people would but it's interesting that no one has been able to explain why it was funny."

"He thought the fact it came as a surprise/shock at the end of something innocuous was funny, not the clip itself."

I wonder if people are confusing 'laughing at something' with 'being funny'.

People laugh for more reasons than finding something funny. Shock, surprise, embarrassment. Even feeling overwhelmed, sometimes people laugh, it buys time.

And having laughed, they reason that they must have found it funny?

@ByAnotherNameToday

He explained why he thought it was "funny"??

He thought the fact it came as a surprise/shock at the end of something innocuous was funny, not the clip itself. He said he hadn't intended it to upset me. He said it was a mutually consensual s&m thing.

He hasn't criticised me for my response to it at least.

But that makes no difference.

Would just be nice to meet someone kind decent, respectful, and not porn ruined!

Thing is

He never will truly know if it was consensual

Many of these s and m porn things are girls who’ve been trafficked. Even if they do consent at the beginning doesn’t mean it was consensual at the end

Another one here who's seen that WhatsApp clip many times before. It's a stupid joke, just a different take on the ones that have a jump scare at the end. Personally I hate the jump scare ones because I am a total wuss for horror movie stuff.

There are plenty joke clips doing the rounds that target men too. All manner of things.

I find them fairly entertaining tbh. I appreciate I'm in the minority here. I don't intentionally seek them out but if they're forwarded to me, I'd probably laugh. For me, the humour is in the surprise ending that's unexpected. The ridiculousness of it is what makes me laugh.

My view is entirely valid. I'm allowed to find things funny. As I say, I've seen plenty where the punchline is a joke on a man too, so it's not some sense of internalised misogyny.

But, and it's a big but, you're equally allowed to find this offensive and distasteful. Kind of surprised that two months into a relationship, he hadn't realised that you really wouldn't appreciate this. I know exactly which ones of my friends would laugh at this type of clip, and which ones wouldn't appreciate it at all. I'd really expect a boyfriend to know this, regardless of your sexual history as that's irrelevant. I'd be upset that he didn't know me better - or that he didn't care about my views.

@Sandals19

Oh and the fact that his behaviour is common is due to the fact that a. Internet porn, more extreme than porn has ever been, is fucking (no pun intended) our society. People's, especially men, concept of normal is fucked up.

Lots of men don't seem to be able to consider that the women are paid performers, or coerced, or in some cases outright victims of sexual abuse/assault, with an tiny minority of amateur exhibitionists (done if whom may be in abusive, exploitative relationships, you'd not know).

I've had a guy I was making polite conversation with at a bar at Halloween, when talking about the realism of the gun that was part of his costume, raise it towards face and say "suck it".
I was so taken aback I said nothing in response, but wished I'd given a swift kick to the balls; as well as reminding him that this is real life, not porn. They all seem to be reminded that this is real life, not porn.

And b. Let's face it, the majority of men who are single past a certain age are just circulating trash.
They're only coupled up for as long as it takes the woman to realise what they're like and kick him out.

My now ex told me that he’d had a wank to porn for about 5 mornings in a row. When we were together he would only manage with me about twice a week but said that he ‘knew how to get it out better than I did.’ He was 56. 🤣

Sorry I quoted the wrong post above and don’t know how to unquote!

Well done OP you’ve done right thing. I wouldnt have been ok with it. How very grim - men are so disappointing - and him being 50 you think he’d know better...

EWWW what a weirdo you don't send that randomly to someone you gotta be in the mood! Yeah I probably wouldn't even warrant a response tbh, make him wonder. At 50 you should know that just shows the maturity of him

I know it's silly - he sent it Christmas Day, I ended it Boxing Day and it's, what, 29th today? So 3 days.

There hasn't been a second of doubt that I did the right thing but it's really bugging me that I didn't 'explain' it better.

I sent him one message and didn't reply to any of his.

I am tempted, now a few days have passed, to respond. Just saying I appreciate he hadn't mant any harm by it but asking him to consider that the problem is that he has no way of knowing if she consented it or to any of it. She might have consented to something but did she consent to that? Just because she consented at the beginning it doesn't mean she consented at the end. Did she consent to have it forwarded as a 'joke' around the internet?

And then point out that he sent it to someone he knew had been sexually assaulted. Who had already told him that feeling safe was more important than anything else the first time we had sex.

If it makes him think about the consent issue in new way; if it makes him look at himself for a second and re-evaluate what he does in future, I think it is worth it.

The bottom line is, he did make porny sex suggestions but I haven't met a man in the last 10 years of dating who didn't. He was, at least immediately accepting and respectful when I said no.

Part of me thinks don't poke the bear and part of me thinks if men arent even made to face the reality, they are never going to change.

No, don’t poke the bear!

Unfortunately it’s likely that he will still be feeling defensive and won’t listen.

It isn't your job to fix him. He should already be aware of these things. It should already have occurred to him.

I know it's not my job to fix him and he should already have realised this but he hasn't. And, tbh, it hasn't occured to most men. They generally don't get the power imbalance.

That's what becoming educated on a subject is - thinking about it more critically from a new perspective rather than just taking it at face value.

I'm not interested in an exchange or a conversation. But he justified his actions and I suppose I just want to respond to that.

I don't really care what he thinks of me. But I think a lot of men haven't considered the consent issue this deeply.

I just don't think he's worth your energy.

But if it's something that you feel will benefit you - if you feel that it won't drain you but actually help you in some way, then by all means do so.

It wouldn't help me, if I were in your position, which is why I wouldn't be interested in doing so.

You could send him the link to this thread.
I think I would feel the same Op , I would want to hammer home to him why this is so wrong.

I do really the get wanting to explain your point of view - in light that he had his say.

I don’t think it will make you feel better because part of what you want is for him to listen like you did. (Even though you say you just want to say it).

However, he has already showed the measure of his character, and it won’t be met by someone who wants to listen or understand.

It’s like throwing money onto a fire.