Is there anyone who ^would^ be ok with this?

[ByAnotherNameToday]

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and its exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend all that. Not that it's relevant but just wanted to give some context. He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no.

Yesterday, I spent the day alone - it was my choice. He had invited me over. Anyway, I anticipated a day of self indulgence but ended up just feeling melancholy and sad.

To 'cheer me up' he sent me a short video of something completely innocuous but at the end it transitioned to a brief 'porn' clip of a woman getting slapped in the face by an enormous erect cock. I'm aware it was probably set up but she appeared to be shocked by it and, tbh, it looked painful.

I saw it but didn't reply because I was feeling a bit crap and just couldn't be bothered dealing with it.

That was about 7pm and 40 mins later he sent a follow up message saying he had thought it was funny anyway.

I didn't respond to that either and heard nothing else.

I want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

I can anticipate his reaction that I'm over reacting and it's just a joke but I've been sexually assaulted in the past and raped and i just don't find it funny. I think its probably the sort of thing he and his mates send to each other and so won't see the problem with it.

It just put me right off.

But i am curious as to whether anyone would actually be ok with it?

Why this big hullabaloo?

She's not sky writing about it. She started a thread on MN.

And men's attitude to both women and porn is kind a big issue, what with all the 'rough sex' defence deaths and the ongoing issues with trafficking, violence towards women and you know everything.

‘Harsh and hurried judgement’ implies 1. Your reaction is disproportionate, 2. It’s hasty and if you took longer it you might come to a more ‘rational’, considered conclusion (Ie more favourable to him), 3. You’re being judgemental

His response merely underlines a. That he doesn’t get it and b. Dumping him is the right response.

He did also tell me that he'd gone to bed for a wank after christmas dinner too...

And you mentioned he talked about his dick often too.

One track mind.
Not particularly attractive on a v young man, really not in a 50 year old man.

I've met 50 something men who are fixated on their dicks, porn, sex .. whatever. Last time I saw one of them he was talking about going on holiday to Thailand ... Have a feeling it wasn't for the temples.

They're quite nauseating.

Was he married? Wonder why it broke down. .

Incidentally that clip sounds like the forerunner to a clip I saw shared on make dominated fitness forum with a woman who's speaking angrily having a dick shoved into her mouth suddenly. A certain type of man just loves that. She probably was acting/expecting it (?) Just cause she participated doesn't make it any less misogynistic/degrading etc. though. Just like any degrading porn.

He did also tell me that he'd gone to bed for a wank after christmas dinner too...

How is that actually attractive/sexy btw? Do men really think we fantasise about them stuffing Christmas dinner into them and then nipping off a wank - like "oh, that's exactly what my fantasy man would be doing in Christmas day at home?"

He gives the impression like a lot of men on old that he thinks women are there as a recipient and prop for his porn filled, self obsessed fantasies.

Why this big hullabaloo?

It's a discussion. Op would like to have a discussion. And we'd all like to participate in it.

If you don't want to, you don't have to post.

OP:

My life would have been so much better had I had such a clear and decisive respect for my own feelings and thoughts as you have.

I hope you have blocked this revolting excuse for a man.

Even if there was no woman being sexually humiliated, I still wouldn't want my partner sending me videos of penises etc!

No, i wouldn’t be ok with it.
A few years ago me and my male friend (just a friend) used to go out and have a few drinks, sometimes one too many and talk about our lives. We we friends with quite complicated personal lives.
Then one morning after our night out he sent me a video full mysogynistic slur and bad language. And couldn’t accept that i was quite shocked and disgusted as apparently all other female friends of his have laughed.
I made an effort to patch things up but i just see him in a completely different light now and our friendship is gone.

You don’t have to brush your feelings aside to please someone. If he is not appologising profusely then i’m affraid it’s the end. But even if he is, that’s what he thinks is ok so it would be over for me anyways.

But how does he KNOW it was acting and was consensual? How does he know? You should send him an article about how porn hub had to delete much of their content because a 15 year old was exploited.

Fact is, he has no idea it was consensual, he is just assuming it was.

Good for you OP! So fucking sick of men and their porn obsession

Yes indeed. It’s not really really point if it is consensual (although I hope it is). It’s not the point if some people laugh (poor them)

The point is whether you want to spend your life with the type of man that watches this stuff and shares it and thinks it’s entertainment acceptable for sending to a partner.

Its hardly the worst pic a guy could send and not one id consider sexual violence. probably just a little innapropriate given circumstances.

The disappointment is about this man specifically, but it’s also about men in general. He’s not an outlier, unfortunately.

Wish we could breed them out.

@Sandals19

He did also tell me that he'd gone to bed for a wank after christmas dinner too...

How is that actually attractive/sexy btw? Do men really think we fantasise about them stuffing Christmas dinner into them and then nipping off a wank - like "oh, that's exactly what my fantasy man would be doing in Christmas day at home?"

He gives the impression like a lot of men on old that he thinks women are there as a recipient and prop for his porn filled, self obsessed fantasies.

Maybe thats because of the latest womens obsessions and fantasies with 'fifty shades', which at the time it came out i couldnt stop hearing about it!

It turns out we're just as porn obsessed as men except ours is in a different, or less visual form.

@ickysticky, let’s see — no. Women’s ‘porn obsession’ hasn’t fuelled a giant industry that degrades and exploits men and that has colonised half the internet with footage of men being gang raped in closeup. Neither do women in general tend to imagine a new boyfriend will be highly amused by footage of a man being suddenly hit across the face by a giant cock.

RainingBatsAndFrogs

It's a fairly recent development, tbf! I've just given one too many of these men a second chance and it's never been the right thing to do.

His response merely underlines a. That he doesn’t get it and b. Dumping him is the right response.

I know.

He sent me several messages over the course of an hour. I didn't respond to any of them.

I suppose I could.

I could make the points that many other posters have made - how did he know it was consensual? Etc It's still misogynistic. I don't want to be with someone whose idea of cheering me up is to send stuff like that.

It just made me really angry tbh.

He gives the impression like a lot of men on old that he thinks women are there as a recipient and prop for his porn filled, self obsessed fantasies.

I think a lot of them just don't realise we don't feel the same way they do. I think it's something they see as 'normal' without considering who it is who has normalised it...

I'd rather be single than put up with anything that makes me feel uncomfortable for even a second.

jessstan1

I absolutely blocked him. He's got no way of contacting me now.

ickysticky

Tbf, my bar is set slightly higher than , "It could have been worse..."

The disappointment is about this man specifically, but it’s also about men in general. He’s not an outlier, unfortunately.

That's it.

So many threads on here, not just about porn stuff, about men treating women appallingly and women trying to find ways of making themselves ok with it. That any women would try and justify their behaviour astounds me.

I know I said I was curious whether anyone would be ok with it and I'm not surprised that some people would but it's interesting that no one has been able to explain why it was funny.

I mean, I know it ruins a joke if you have to explain it to someone but all I've seen so far is, "It could have been worse," and, "It wouldn't bother me because I haven't been sexually assaulted," and, "I wouldn't have batted an eyelid," without actually being able to explain what is funny about it.

The disappointment is about this man specifically, but it’s also about men in general. He’s not an outlier, unfortunately.

That's it really. I'm just sick of it now.

Women’s ‘porn obsession’ hasn’t fuelled a giant industry that degrades and exploits men and that has colonised half the internet with footage of men being gang raped in closeup. Neither do women in general tend to imagine a new boyfriend will be highly amused by footage of a man being suddenly hit across the face by a giant cock.

Quite and I can imagine the sort of reactions we'd get if we tried that.

I'd expect them to be very angry about it; offended; not in the slightest bit amused; and to dump me.

And they'd be right to as well if I showed so little regard for their comfort and personal boundaries that I'd consider sending them that.

Especially if it was because they were feeling a bit down...

Because in my 46 years on this planet, I've never met a man who feels better after watching clips of other men being sexually degraded and humiliated. Nor one who would think it were funny.

It's shocking how the true nature of these things can only be fully understood by some people when the rules are reversed because that treatment of women has become so mainstream that it is accepted that either women like it or who cares how the woman feels?

Tbh, I feel somewhat inclined to send a response to him posing some of these questions. Not to get a reply but just to make him think.

But I doubt it would make any difference.

His reply was very much in line with what other men think/say. It never once occurs to them that the woman might not actually like it. Never.

Roles not rules

It turns out we're just as porn obsessed as men except ours is in a different, or less visual form.

Fifty shades struck me as a temporary fashion, something to talk about, to read because other women were reading it, something to appear risque, current etc by reading.

And I doubt the majority of women even read the books. I'd like to see the figures compared to the numbers of men who watch porn on an ongoing basis.

I tried to read a bit of it once, ages after it was published, to see what it was like and put it down after ten minutes because it was so shite.

The themes also make me extremely uncomfortable. BDSM, by a woman who doesn't understand it, wedged into a traditional, cliched romance novel.

Also notable that at no point is any domination or degradation or control etc experienced by the male protagonist, quite the opposite. He has all the money, power and status too.
He's on a pedestal, sexually, romantically, financially etc.

Not quite the same as the women being degraded in mainstream porn (and the clip this man sent to op, thinking she'd find it funny).

Also not comparable is Jamie Dornan acting the role, with no physical discomfort or degradation, uncoerced, for a salary of millions (or all films in total) ....

To porn actresses being hit, penetrated, choked, gagged, degraded etc for relatively paltry amounts with dubious consent in plenty of cases.

Your comparison doesn't work in any number of ways that I can't even be bothered breaking down any further.

Actually if fifty shades represents women's "porn", then apparently womens' fantasies consist of some erotica within s background romance that culminates in marriage and children with a handsome, wealthy man.

If mainstream porn represents men's fantasies, then apparently mens' fantasies consist of rough, degrading sex with often "inappropriate" women (teens, step daughter/sister) culminating in the man ejaculating.

@ickysticky

Its hardly the worst pic a guy could send and not one id consider sexual violence. probably just a little innapropriate given circumstances.

So you find the thought of a woman being assaulted equally entertaining, whatever part of the body is used to carry out the assault?

Fifty shades was shit. I couldn’t get past the first page. The films were dire. So no, ‘women’ didn’t all love that.

I've never seen someone who thought it was ok to send this sort of material for cheering up purposes turn out to be anyone's reliable partner. Juvenile sense of humour and a major misreading of what you needed at best. Glad it's over and sorry for the Christmas timing.