Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there anyone who ^would^ be ok with this?

473 replies

ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 06:54

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and its exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend all that. Not that it's relevant but just wanted to give some context. He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no.

Yesterday, I spent the day alone - it was my choice. He had invited me over. Anyway, I anticipated a day of self indulgence but ended up just feeling melancholy and sad.

To 'cheer me up' he sent me a short video of something completely innocuous but at the end it transitioned to a brief 'porn' clip of a woman getting slapped in the face by an enormous erect cock. I'm aware it was probably set up but she appeared to be shocked by it and, tbh, it looked painful.

I saw it but didn't reply because I was feeling a bit crap and just couldn't be bothered dealing with it.

That was about 7pm and 40 mins later he sent a follow up message saying he had thought it was funny anyway.

I didn't respond to that either and heard nothing else.

I want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

I can anticipate his reaction that I'm over reacting and it's just a joke but I've been sexually assaulted in the past and raped and i just don't find it funny. I think its probably the sort of thing he and his mates send to each other and so won't see the problem with it.

It just put me right off.

But i am curious as to whether anyone would actually be ok with it?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 26/12/2020 14:14

Really good call OP.
Flowers

TreacleHart · 26/12/2020 14:30

I'm not naive enough to think my oh had never / does not watch porn , but would I expect him or has he ever sent me any ? No , and I would be shocked if he did tbh.
You did the right thing , I'm sure there are much nicer men out there for you op .Flowers

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2020 14:32

@Stepintochristmas

I wouldn’t be ok with this. I think you need to mention specifically why you’re not ok with it so he doesn’t think it’s just you being a prude. Then maybe he will think twice about sending things like this to women in the future.
So what if he does think she's a 'prude'?

I hate that people aren't allowed to have their own opinions on sexual matters without being called pejorative names

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2020 14:34

@Purplethrow

I had this years ago , from a police officer that I was seeing ( that somehow made it worse ) it made me feel sick . I ended it there and then but obviously got the ‘you’re frigid , have no sense of humour’ reply.
To which the reply is 'You're pornsick, you have no concept of normality'.
anon444877 · 26/12/2020 14:39

Eurgh. Well done @ByAnotherNameToday I wonder what has happened to people's boundaries. The only way this will improve is if these changers do get quickly dumped.

KOKOagainandagain · 26/12/2020 14:39

Don't leave a way in. Close it firmly and, if you feel you must (not for yourself) say something like 'thanks for explaining. But now I find you unattractive/repulsive/misogynistic and there is no way back from that.' And then block on everything.

HmmSureJan · 26/12/2020 14:41

@ByAnotherNameToday

Besides, he'll have an online dating profile set up by the time he's finished his next coffee Wink
Scary thing is, he might come across one of those women who "wouldn't bat an eyelid" who will confirm how uptight you were and how she would have thought it hilarious and then he'll have learned nothing.
anon444877 · 26/12/2020 14:41

I'm wondering at the explanation that he thought it was appropriate because they were 'clearly acting' still nasty and inappropriate.

Skyla2005 · 26/12/2020 14:44

No I would not be with someone who found that funny. It’s not funny it’s degrading it says a lot about the kind of man he is. Dump him

oldshoeuk · 26/12/2020 14:47

I'm just trying to imagine the damage an erect penis could do? Are we expecting it to knock the poor ladies teeth out or put her in a coma?

Yes this seems to be a bit unappealing sexually and childish, but it wouldn't finish a relationship for me.

A non-consensual penis face slap just doesn't seem likely to me, so it doesn't bother me. For those who enjoy it, carry on, for those who don't, give it a flick!

happinessischocolate · 26/12/2020 15:00

I'm just trying to imagine the damage an erect penis could do? Are we expecting it to knock the poor ladies teeth out or put her in a coma?

So as long as she didn't get a black eye or any teeth knocked out it's fine.

How would you feel if a man (either random or known to you) slapped you in the face with his cock, say whilst you were sat at the end of the row at the cinema, or on the bus, or in the supermarket whilst you were bending over to get a tin of beans?

And then to add to it his mate had filmed it and put it on the internet for everyone to laugh at.

Still cool with it?

PickAChew · 26/12/2020 15:02

A non-consensual penis face slap just doesn't seem likely to me

The words of someone pretty naive about the porn industry, at best.

CaraDuneRedux · 26/12/2020 15:04

I'm just trying to imagine the damage an erect penis could do? Are we expecting it to knock the poor ladies teeth out or put her in a coma?

I'm trying to imagine in what context this could be done and the intention on the part of the man not be humiliation and domination of the woman...

Nope, failing.

It's not about whether it's likely to cause the woman actual physical harm. It's about what it tells you about the psyche of the man doing it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/12/2020 15:05

he thinks that dumping him is a harsh and hurried judgement

It doesn't matter what his "tone" was; basically he's criticising your judgement, which is a huge red flag so soon into the relationship

Hopefully he'll behave more appropriately with the next one - or maybe he won't and it'll be all their fault too

bringbacksideburns · 26/12/2020 15:05

It's weird isn't it?

I'm aware it goes on but find it odd. I thought it was a generational thing at first - but no. It's seems a particular sort of person finds it amusing, male or female.

I was in a local pub I don't really go in one Christmas, with a couple who are our friends. The woman is very into football and a lifelong fan , so is seen as 'one of the lads' a bit with some local lads and often chats to them.
One bloke came up to her and flashed a film on his phone of him whirling his cock round like some sort of helicopter dancing and he obviously found it hilarious. I was really shocked! She shrugged it off. I just thought it was disrespectful and he wouldn't have been so keen to show it to a man so why show us? Hmm

But no - good call.

Purplethrow · 26/12/2020 15:08

I'm just trying to imagine the damage an erect penis could do? Are we expecting it to knock the poor ladies teeth out or put her in a coma

I’m saddened and angered by these sort of flippant comments , we have such a long way to go still .

TurningOfTheWheel · 26/12/2020 15:10

It says a lot about a man when they find humiliating women 'funny' - especially when it's in a sexual context

FollowThatStarTonight · 26/12/2020 15:12

Good call OP. Maybe he'll reflect on it. Maybe not. It's not your problem anymore.

Our society is being absolutely ravaged by the accessibility and acceptability of violent, degrading porn. Otherwise quite nice, normal people's expectations and boundaries are totally warped. Makes me really sad.

Twinpeaksdancingman · 26/12/2020 15:18

Scary thing is, he might come across one of those women who "wouldn't bat an eyelid" who will confirm how uptight you were and how she would have thought it hilarious and then he'll have learned nothing.

Or maybe come across someone he is more compatible with...

RantyAnty · 26/12/2020 15:22

Well done on getting rid.

When will men realise we aren't as fascinated/obsessed by dick as they are.

It's good to see more women speaking on what is not acceptable.
Porn absolutely has been destructive to the male psyche, and women are paying the price.

HmmSureJan · 26/12/2020 15:28

Or maybe come across someone he is more compatible with...

You're right, it could be a positive thing. She might take him out of the dating pool permanently and then other women won't have to deal with his crude, porn sick ways and receiving porn that they don't have any control over seeing.

Nameandgamechange123 · 26/12/2020 15:37

It would be the gift wrapped cock photo that would make me run for the hills. Your well composed text sounds absolutely perfect if you ask me.

AcornAutumn · 26/12/2020 15:54

@ByAnotherNameToday

Ok. He's replied.

He's apologised for being insensitive. Explained why he thought it was funny, that he isn't violent and the people involved were clearly acting and he thinks that dumping him is a harsh and hurried judgement.

It's hard to convey tone but the tone was definitely contrition rather than than defensive.

Doesn't make any difference though. I've learnt my lesson when it comes to going men who push your boundaries second chances.

If you can find a clip involving a man being humiliated, I’d be tempted to send that.

In a way it might be good if people show their true colours. If they think it’s socially unacceptable, then people will be with them for ages before they find out what the person is really like.

GreenlandTheMovie · 26/12/2020 15:56

@oldshoeuk

I'm just trying to imagine the damage an erect penis could do? Are we expecting it to knock the poor ladies teeth out or put her in a coma?

Yes this seems to be a bit unappealing sexually and childish, but it wouldn't finish a relationship for me.

A non-consensual penis face slap just doesn't seem likely to me, so it doesn't bother me. For those who enjoy it, carry on, for those who don't, give it a flick!

Well, neither does a slap in the face usually either, but its also illegal as its assault. Where do you draw the line? Videos of someone being assaulted by a sexual organ are ok but with a hand is not? Or both are ok, or just "unappealing" but kind of ok?

I also don't think you can trust that anything on porn is consensual. Drugs are often used to dull reactions at the more degrading end of the porn scale, and I certainly wouldn't trust a random video doing the rounds of porn fans' phones to be legal and "acting". Theres no way of verifying that, because theres no way of knowing where it came from.

Theres plenty of porn out there which doesn't involve assaulting women, so to send this to someone he has known for only 2 months seems a remarkable lapse of common decency.

AcornAutumn · 26/12/2020 15:56

@FollowThatStarTonight

Good call OP. Maybe he'll reflect on it. Maybe not. It's not your problem anymore.

Our society is being absolutely ravaged by the accessibility and acceptability of violent, degrading porn. Otherwise quite nice, normal people's expectations and boundaries are totally warped. Makes me really sad.

I must admit, I didnt really think this recently but then I realised it’s because my social circle is very small and I am “Extremely Offline” I think! 😂
Swipe left for the next trending thread