Just told DH we don't have to have sex anymore. For his sake.

[Xmasdaymam]

We just had a big weepy chat by the kitchen sink whilst the kids were playing with their new toys.

We'd been a bit quiet for the past couple of days since I lightly asked if we could have sex sometime this week (it's been 2 months) and he went "Welllllll...." and I was like "wow, shot down!" and he tried to explain but I said "no need, let's just enjoy our night". And we did have a nice night but he was very quiet and preoccupied. There was no need to explain because I knew it was just that he didn't want to.

Because it has been 16 years of me raising the subject every couple of months. And yes we do usually have sex every couple of months. And we both enjoy it SOOO much. And say "we must do that more often". But then it disappears in him for another couple of months and tbh if I had no sex drive we would be completely sexless and he would be fine.

So this morning he asked if I was cross with him and I said I was more cross with myself because I should have said nothing. Because I KNEW. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different answer. And I was sorry for raising it at all, and I needed to accept him the way he was.

And then he got very upset and was like what kind of man am I? I'm supposed to do this. He said "it's never been in me. Not even when I was 19. The other lads would be mad for it and I couldn't understand it because I never needed it at all". And there were tears and us both apologising to each other, him for being the way he is and me for being the way I am.

I told him we could just be pals. Because we are such great pals. He said he didn't want that, that we could find a compromise but I pointed out that the past 16 years have been a compromise and I don't want pity shags every 6 months to keep me happy. I have a vibrator, I will keep my mouth shut and manage. He hates the thought of me unhappy. But I told him I have to learn to be happy with a different kind of relationship and I will keep my needs behind closed doors with my vibrator.

So then I went to have a shower but I am just in the bedroom crying. I wish I was different. I should be different. There are so many women on here who are happy if they never have sex again. I know I can't chop off my groin. But sometimes I wish I could and we would be content, we would be pals forever.

He has never masterbated, he has zero interest in porn. He's definitely not gay. He's just possibly asexual, or at least on that spectrum. I remember when we first moved in together getting a shock that we weren't all over each other now that we had our own place.

We only had sex twice on honeymoon and tbh I initiated both times and the second time was only because he sensed I was getting upset.

I am devastated. I am only 45. I am such a sexual person. I always have been. I want to be wanted so bad. I want to be fancied. But I have realised that if I was a man coming on here and he was the woman, I would get my arse handed to me for not accepting her the way she is.

Please guide me in how to have a sexless relationship that is still close and sweet. Because we love each other so much and I don't want to feel myself pulling away from all affection. But I fear I will do it unconsciously and it will actually affect our marriage going forward.

OP, so sorry you are going through this.

Is there any way he could compromise and go down on you, help with the vibrator etc? He loves you so should enjoy pleasuring you. He doesn't have to have sex but it would make you feel desired and probably fulfill your needs.

Also invest in more sex toys to keep things interesting. They're better than the real thing anyway!

I hope things work out for you

Is there any way he could compromise and go down on you, help with the vibrator etc?

Upthread the OP said he hated oral.

@Xmasdaymam
*
The never knowing how long it'll be, and knowing after we have sex and are lying there happy, that it won't be for weeks and weeks again. That's the part that is corrosive.*

I think you have had a shock OP at the replies contrasted by him being such a good man. That is lovely but really he has become your best friend as opposed to your partner and lover which is so important, and which is at the bottom of your u happiness and frustration.

You are not over sexed, you are pretty much normal. There is a range. He is at the very bottom really and what hurts is he isn't bothered, euphemism for "he doesn't fancy you". That doesn't mean he fancies someone else, but it is important to be desired knowing when he cuddles you in bed (if he does) that he enjoys his hands being in your body and touching and holding you elsewhere. My DH loves us going to sleep and him cupping my boob..but sometimes very aroused doing that and I love it.

You might not want to separate, and you may never separate, but you have a,ready used the word corrosive, and despite you liking him so much it continues to corrode.

We were friends with a couple. They split over similar issues of lack of sex but it was more she was too busy socialising and spending large amounts of money as opposed to being interested in their relationship. He was also a lovely guy but he left and found the happiness he wanted, whilst being a great dad still.

The problem is your DH can't artificially start sexually desiring you if it just isn't in him. Yes perhaps see the doctor but it is how he is and you have to decide....you may feel differently at another time

Good luck

He needs to go to his GP. You're basically going to have an unhappy marriage because of this so I'd want to try everything. He need to go for you.

I am not sure how he can be so “lovely” but enter into the marriage contract knowing he couldn’t keep it. He wanted the upside of marriage but knew he wouldn’t be upholding a significant part of his side of the bargain. I think that’s extremely unfair on the op. And now here they are - she’s stuck.

Also the fact he has been so rubbish at finding a solution to something that has been upsetting her for years? So now he might see a doctor? Big wow 🙄🙄 why not done sooner? Warm words and tears from him don’t mean much do they?

I was quite ruthless when husband hunting for this very reason. People can change I know but seems this was an issue from the off I think. Sorry to say but you should never have married him.

This is very hard for you, I don't think the answer is to leave him or find someone else to do it with, there is more to a relationship than the sex! To be honest we have done it 3 times in about 2 years! This is due to not doing it when pregnant, or just after birth (or a long time after birth!!), him working a physically demanding job and possibly also that he doesn't have a particularly high sex drive although he does enjoy it. When I read on here about the disgusting ways some guys behave towards woman I'm glad I have one of the good ones and I'm sure you are too! You did say he enjoys it when it does happen, and I know it's annoying to have to be the one who instigates it each time but maybe that's just the way it has to be, I'd rather be the instigator than be pestered by some guy for sex all the time when I don't feel like it! Good luck OP, you'll find some way of dealing with it, who does have the perfect man and perfect relationship? Other posters seem to think you should just keep on till you find that......sounds like the grass is always greener......

@Sally65998998

I think you seem extraordinarily naive for 45. You already masturbate and it isn't enough. What were you hoping for someone to suggest, female castration? Even if your husband isn't sexual he could still be getting involved in your sex life. Has he ever even touched you intimately out of want? Even once?

Sixteen fucking years of begging for scraps of sex and your husband is wonderful? I beg to differ.

I think this is very unfair to OP's husband.

As someone with zero libido (due to medication I will need to take for life) he isn't doing this on purpose!

The issue is - he could get involved in other ways but it doesn't resolve the problem does it?

I very much doubt OP really wants him to get involved in other ways if it was like a chore to him. If you have zero libido then it would be like emptying the bins or washing the dishes and I suspect would make OP feel worse rather than better.

The only thing that makes you a couple is the sex and attraction, otherwise you are close friends, brothers, family, even flatmates but not a couple in practice.

I don't believe this is true.

Romantic love is separate to sex, as is physical affection (holding hands, cuddles, hugs, kisses, snuggling up to each other).

@Rangoon

I don't think he is a good man. If he was, he'd have discussed the issue before you moved in together or before you had children. And as for compromise, I don't see any compromise here from him - all the compromise is coming from you. Surely he couldn't have thought that most women would have found this acceptable.

Good point.

I feel for you OP. I'm in the opposite situation, I'm the wife who never wants sex. Although I haven't always been this way, it has happened gradually and I now do it as a chore to keep my husband happy because we are basically happy in other ways. But I have pretty much made the decision in my head that it can't go on and I will be dealing with it this year. It is causing pain to both of us and I'm only 36. I have tried medication and counselling. I need to be on my own, I now realise.

Hmm.
I could happily do without sex for weeks. Have been this way for at least ten years. This is not to do with my partner. I have no desire to go off with someone else, I love my partner very much. When we have sex which is about once a week I enjoy it a lot.

I think your DH has compounded his low sex drive with a load of guilt, feelings of disappointing and feelings of pressure. There is not feeling the need for sex but enjoying it when you do, and so making the effort for your partner perhaps less often than they might like ideally, but enough that it's enough, and there's avoiding it like the plague. My DH would be devastated if we did it once every 2 months but I enjoyed it on those occasions.

I am pretty sure it's bound up in the "I must not be a proper man" feelings and I would bet it's partly psychological. I think counselling with a sex therapist would help.

I just think there's a difference between not initiating much but making the effort to respond reasonably regularly because you know it's important for your intimacy as a couple, your bond, and that it's not at all that sex is horrible and unpleasant between you, and avoiding sex for months and months because the whole subject has become such a huge guilt/shame issue.

I asked him very gently if he was gay. He didn't mind me asking, he said no, he'd never had a gay experience and never had any interest in one.

Surely no would have done. Adding never had a gay experience of any interest in one makes me think he was justifying the no to himself. Surely never been attracted to a man would have been the better explanation for not being gay.

How long aRe you going to give him to book to see his gp and to book for counselling? So youre not back next christmas saying he just didnt get round fo it...

@HollyGenneroMcClane

I asked him very gently if he was gay. He didn't mind me asking, he said no, he'd never had a gay experience and never had any interest in one.

Surely no would have done. Adding never had a gay experience of any interest in one makes me think he was justifying the no to himself. Surely never been attracted to a man would have been the better explanation for not being gay.

How long aRe you going to give him to book to see his gp and to book for counselling? So youre not back next christmas saying he just didnt get round fo it...

I read that as him saying exactly that, he's never had any interest in having sex with men!

I agree with the pp about the compromise. I'd be lying there thinking he's having sex with me under duress and just trying to uphold his end of the bargain instead of actually wanting it. I don't know what will be more heart breaking, thinking my husband didn't fancy me or thinking he's only having sex in order to keep me

I don’t think there’s any reason to doubt his answer to the are you gay question. Some people just don’t have much of a sex drive, without it meaning they are with the wrong sex.

Sorry when I wrote my reply above I could only see first two pages for some reason! Still I stand by what I said though the conversation has moved on.

Some of the comments are terribly unfair to the OP and her H. Not everyone has a high sex drive. But generally we dont talk about it with our frIends and family. You sound like you love your H very much and he loves you. I doubt he can change but he could try harder. That is the issue. If you love and care for someone then you try to please them, not all women want to give BJs but they know their partner loves them so they do it and I bet they are thinking about the chores at the same time. He needs to try and you need to tell him what you like and want. And then unfortunately you will need to compromise as you are not going to turn him into someone wanting sex daily. I enjoy sex but in my 50s I do not want it daily and to be honest I can leave masterbation as I’m normally too tired to bother.

It’s also about quality. I bet there are lots of relationships where the sex is bang bang and that’s it. No interest in helping the woman enjoy it. But as long as the H desires his partner then it’s a good relationship?? Here we have a couple who clearly love each other. Probably communicate and get on a lot better than some of those couples who are shagging everyday. A relationship is everything not just sex.

Part of the deal surely in an LTR is that you want to see your DP sexually satisfied. And you want that for yourself as well of course. And there are many ways of achieving that, not all of which involve both of you being aroused at the same time. But arousal is not necessary on every occasion, pleasure arises from knowing your DP is satisfied whether or not you have been satisfied yourself. Feelings of guilt or pity do not arise, sex is a physical and psychological necessity for most people and desire is nothing to apologise for.

I’ve read some of your follow up posts, you mentioned he masturbated more than you realised, so he does have sexual feelings and a desire to touch himself sexually. He also hates oral sex. He’s also able to get and maintain an erection, this is not a lack of libido/sexual problem.

This would be a big problem for me if he was still masturbating but was avoiding sex.
I don’t know why you’d accept this?
Also the fact he has sex to maintain a basic sex life (instigated by you).
This is not healthy at all!

Agree with @KindnessWins
He made a mistake in telling you about the masturbation. I appreciate he was just being honest but what does that mean? That he has a sex drive just not with you?

Yes the masturbation is a problem. So he does get feelings and arousal but just not with another adult - you. This needs discussing more - however hard it may be. Does he not like the sexual act with another person? X

Yes the masturbation confirms he is not asexual. So something turns him on. It’s simply not women. His lack of desire to have sex with a woman coupled with his dislike of female genitalia confirm it.

But he’s not going to tell the op. His marriage will be critical to him, as he won’t want to go through this charade again with someone else. And he clearly wishes to be married.

I would strongly suspect he’s a gay man, who will never accept or reveal he is. Maybe one day he will but that times not now. If it’s not other men who float his boat, then it’s something else

He should have just said he doesn’t masturbate either, which would have led to the op continuing to believe this was about low sexdrive and being asexual. Masturbation confirms that’s not the case.

@Bluntness100

Agree. Something is floating his boat, it's just not his wife!

I think he may be gay too. I think it's hard tmfor a gay married man to cmjust he asked and then say "yes actually I am gay!" And deal with the fall out from that. Look at Phillip Scofield.

@umpteennamechanges

My point is that they should have had this conversation 16 years ago. He obviously knew this is how he was, she believed it could change. There are often threads of woman on Mumsnet talking about "maintenance sex" etc, he was never interested in anything sexual about his wife and it hasn't changed. He was never interested in fixing it either.

And you shouldn't take things personally, so you have no libido? I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the woman who has been begging for a consistent sexual relationship for sixteen years and her husband never just had a conversation saying " this is it, this is all it will ever be". Which wasn't very fair.

I don't get everyone talking about their lovely bond and this lovely man. The fact he has a low libido is not nearly as important as the fact he has not been open and talked about it honestly. I don't like the sound of him at all.