Just told DH we don't have to have sex anymore. For his sake.

[Xmasdaymam]

We just had a big weepy chat by the kitchen sink whilst the kids were playing with their new toys.

We'd been a bit quiet for the past couple of days since I lightly asked if we could have sex sometime this week (it's been 2 months) and he went "Welllllll...." and I was like "wow, shot down!" and he tried to explain but I said "no need, let's just enjoy our night". And we did have a nice night but he was very quiet and preoccupied. There was no need to explain because I knew it was just that he didn't want to.

Because it has been 16 years of me raising the subject every couple of months. And yes we do usually have sex every couple of months. And we both enjoy it SOOO much. And say "we must do that more often". But then it disappears in him for another couple of months and tbh if I had no sex drive we would be completely sexless and he would be fine.

So this morning he asked if I was cross with him and I said I was more cross with myself because I should have said nothing. Because I KNEW. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different answer. And I was sorry for raising it at all, and I needed to accept him the way he was.

And then he got very upset and was like what kind of man am I? I'm supposed to do this. He said "it's never been in me. Not even when I was 19. The other lads would be mad for it and I couldn't understand it because I never needed it at all". And there were tears and us both apologising to each other, him for being the way he is and me for being the way I am.

I told him we could just be pals. Because we are such great pals. He said he didn't want that, that we could find a compromise but I pointed out that the past 16 years have been a compromise and I don't want pity shags every 6 months to keep me happy. I have a vibrator, I will keep my mouth shut and manage. He hates the thought of me unhappy. But I told him I have to learn to be happy with a different kind of relationship and I will keep my needs behind closed doors with my vibrator.

So then I went to have a shower but I am just in the bedroom crying. I wish I was different. I should be different. There are so many women on here who are happy if they never have sex again. I know I can't chop off my groin. But sometimes I wish I could and we would be content, we would be pals forever.

He has never masterbated, he has zero interest in porn. He's definitely not gay. He's just possibly asexual, or at least on that spectrum. I remember when we first moved in together getting a shock that we weren't all over each other now that we had our own place.

We only had sex twice on honeymoon and tbh I initiated both times and the second time was only because he sensed I was getting upset.

I am devastated. I am only 45. I am such a sexual person. I always have been. I want to be wanted so bad. I want to be fancied. But I have realised that if I was a man coming on here and he was the woman, I would get my arse handed to me for not accepting her the way she is.

Please guide me in how to have a sexless relationship that is still close and sweet. Because we love each other so much and I don't want to feel myself pulling away from all affection. But I fear I will do it unconsciously and it will actually affect our marriage going forward.

I disagree that the OP feels desired.

She says this I want to be wanted so bad. I want to be fancied in her opening post.

@nolongersurprised

Was that for me?

I'm not saying she feels desired just now. I am saying she didn't always feel undesired. Bluntness said she had pretty much always known that her husband didn't want her sexually and therefore what did she expect? I disagree with that, and think it is rather mean to just invalidate someone in that way.

It's pretty obvious she feels undesired now. The whole thread is based on that.

Who on earth thinks this is a close and loving relationship. I really give up!

I estimate I will have more sex in the next year than the OP will have in the rest of her life. I am the same age as the OP and married for longer than she has been. I have a lot of good sex with a very good man, and my husband is kind, and generous and wonderful. I am not projecting anything. I see through this farce of a marriage BECAUSE I have a lovely one, not because I am jealous of it. Believe me this is not a good marriage. I wouldn't have it for all the tea in China.

I am saying she didn't always feel undesired. Bluntness said she had pretty much always known that her husband didn't want her sexually and therefore what did she expect?

I dunno. I don’t usually agree with Bluntness in threads but he’s never really been that into it, has he?

The OP says Because it has been 16 years of me raising the subject every couple of months

And I remember when we first moved in together getting a shock that we weren't all over each other now that we had our own place.

We only had sex twice on honeymoon and tbh I initiated both times and the second time was only because he sensed I was getting upset.

Sounds like a relationships-worth of a sexually uninterested DH to me.

RTFT

And yes ofc counselling is the obvious answer. End of thread.

But I want to make a point that others haven't really made.... hopefully I can make it tactfully, but apologies if I offend.

Perhaps OP is right, she's the only one here who actually knows him so we should trust her judgement. Her husband is straight, and he is in love with OP. It is quite possible to be straight, sexual and just not that into sex. One thing that stood out for me is that her DH is a people pleaser so quite happy to ignore or pacify problems rather than confronting or resolving them.

Personally I love real sex, it's natural, sticky, smelly and glorious. I also appreciate masturbation as it's neat, clean and easy. Some people are the reverse they appreciate the biological necessity of sex but love the ease of masturbation or they may simply prefer the fantasy of sex to the reality.

OPs DH sounds like the latter, he is more happy to masturbate than have 2 people sex. Some people find (real) sex underwhelming. The typical clichéd example being the woman who prefers a good vibrator a over some man giving her a 5 minute thrust, semen dump, roll over and snore.

So maybe DH is really just not that into sex....

Op said that her DH accepts her but does he really actually desire her? Especially since he only really gets into sex once it's happening (and hormones take over). Maybe what he truly desires he feels is unobtainable for him. A tall woman if he is short? A different ethnicity? A slimmer woman? A bigger woman?

So maybe DH is really just not that into OP...

The OP also posted this:
Yes these conversations have been ongoing since we moved in together. At one point when we were engaged I had to get a "not more than 3 weeks" pact out of him because I was feeling so undesirable and I was crying.

I think Bluntness is right, there’s been a lack of desire from the onset and the OP has been aware of it. Which is different to fully acknowledging it, especially when there’s a lot about the relationship that’s good.

Most men wouldn’t stay 16 years if there was no desire for his wife. OP must bring something to the table because 16 years is quite a while to keep up an act... that’s the only thing.

Your right OP knows him best @SkedaddIe

@Xmasdaymam

I bet on some level he wants to have sex after our talk. Not because of any desire though. To make me feel better, because he is upset that I'm upset. I bet if I initiated tonight, he'd gladly do it.

This is what would kill me to the point that I wouldn't want sex...that he was having sex to please me or out of pity. Makes me realise that having a DH that wants sex so much is a blessing. There isn't many a time when we go to bed, if we don't have sex we always cuddle and he loves going to sleep either with his hand cupping my boob or rested down between my legs and I love he so wants to.

I get the message that you couldn't leave him...but what you need to prepare yourself for as a possibility is at some point, another guy turning your head and you get a feeling in your currently deadened loins which makes you weaken. That's how many women have affairs I think.

Good luck in his GP tests. I would also get him to promise to stop masturbating completely as given his libido is low that won't help

Didn't know if i was gonna come back to this thread as its been kinda taken over a bit.

So maybe updating is a bad idea!

But fuck it here goes....another big chat this morning. Got more in depth. He's been thinking and thinking and trying to figure out what it is.

He clarified that his sexual function is 100% linked to touch. In other words as soon as I touch his penis then hey presto, instant erection. But the rest of the time his brain is just too busy to allow his body a look in.

He has always had racing thoughts. I knew this, it's a running joke that he can't turn off his thoughts. I've always been aware that if he wakes in the middle of the night he's doomed to 2 hours of thinking and worrying before he can go back to sleep and it does affect his sleep. But I never thought about it much - I'm ADD & absent minded and find it oh so horribly easy to put things out of my head, he thinks about 1000 things at once, we always said our brains complemented each other.

However we've never connected it to his sexual function and it's only now he's starting to wonder if it's linked. He says his thoughts are so loud with all the jobs/tasks he has to do, that his body just shuts down unless its actively touched. And even then his thoughts shout "you better not come quickly even though you're super sensitive! You better do x y and z to make her come and definitely last afterwards! You better not just fall asleep straight away!" etc etc. So he says his brain is just always taking over. And it's exhausting.

I said is it intrusive thoughts? And he said since the thoughts weren't negative or harmful, he never labelled it. But they are 100% in charge and his brain never shuts up and goes spiralling down various avenues and that's happening 24/7.

Anyway, he's making an appointment for the GP as soon as it opens. And he's going to mention his exhausting mind too, in case it's linked. But he is starting to really appreciate the idea of counselling the more we pick these things apart.

I have to add, I wasn't silent this whole chat. I talked a lot about my realisations about the last few years. What was real and what was not? But he assured me that the minute we get into it, he did really enjoy it. He enjoys sex. He isn't asexual, or gay. He just doesn't think about it when he's not doing it because he's thinking about so much already, and can't even contemplate it when his brain is running on a thousand avenues already.

I talked a bit about my sense of attractiveness etc. We talked a lot about past events, past conversations and why is anything different now? And basically this is the first time where he's not just going "I'm sorry, I'll do better". Actually going to get to the root of it.

I dunno. The more we talk the more layers we uncover. But we are talking about stuff we never talked about before. Very frankly. For example I told him that I absolutely 100% may need a separate bedroom down the road and said it without apology. I told him we both had to take care of our mental health.

So 2021 is going to be.......interesting. I don't know where this road is going to lead. But this frankness and abandonment of our mutual denial feels like a start.

Why would you need a separate bedroom?

What you have right now is a best friend
Not a marriage partner.

And you are not happy as your sexual needs aren't fulfilled. So you dont have a lot of options really. But if you choose to stay, you choose to stay sexually deflated/miserable. So if you dont want to leave him, as you say, you should look into other options. An open relationship for example. Because as is, your relationship is not healthy. You are not compatible. Your dh is not the best man/most perfect man for you. In the heart: yes. In the bedroom: no. And you need all the puzzle pieces to feel connected and happy and fulfilled.

Why would you need a separate bedroom if you plan to stay together even if he doesn’t up his drive?

OP, I just read your last post. Sending you a hug and if I were you, I'd allow myself to hope.

Sounds like your DH puts a lot of pressure on himself to do everything right. Perhaps he even feels some kind of weird guilt about taking enough time off for himself to enjoy sex with his wife.

I wish you so much luck op. I really hope you get it sorted.

I have to be honest, it sounds like he’s trying to find a lot of excuses to justify the fact he’s never wanted sex with a woman. And totally different to the “I never needed it”
Logically your op was about you suggesting sex and him being uncomfortable with the idea well in advance, which clearly doesn’t tie with the whole his mind thinking thr thoughts you articulated, which is in the here and now.

I feel sorry for him, it looks like he’s tying himself in knots trying to find a reason he can articulate to justify it. But the reasons are very similar to “please miss my dog ate my homework” when you don’t have a dog...

@CrotchBurn

Why would you need a separate bedroom?

because lying next to somebody you're not having sex with is torture and makes you feel distant, rejected, undesirable EVERY night, whereas if the op were taking sex off the table, space in their own rooms would be a new phase of acceptance. Not squaring up for rejection 20 nights out of 21.

I think he has been very honest. How many women can say that they have Never thought about next weeks shopping list when having sex. I think many people don’t think about sex much. But when they get into bed they have Sex and whether that is desire, need or just a habit we are all different. Good luck OP.

I think if this post had been from a women who didn’t want sex often and didn’t think about it the replies would have been kinder.

I don't understand his reasons either but I think things will get better for you in 2021 @Xmasdaymam

Even if it's only because you've verbalised what was driving you crazy. You've put a stop to it. That can't make this year worse.

Either testosterone helps or it doesn't and if it doesn't, you have already moved in to that phase of taking back some control over your rejection.

I know many people would think it's a turn off but with the touch/intrusive thoughts issue maybe you just need to schedule sex? First Saturday of the month or whatever so he knows it's coming, he knows you will touch him and that will be what he is thinking about.

I dont fully understand. If his problem is just he doesnt think of it, and as soon as hes touched hes ready to go then surely he would want sex when you initiate?

His problem is he doesnt want to have sex with you OP. He didnt want to have sex with you at any point this week, thats not just not thinking about sex, thats actively not wanting it.

Hes not being honest, hes making a lot of excuses but it doesnt really add up. How does he feel about sex with you? If he imagines sex with you does it turn him on?

@DishedUp

I dont fully understand. If his problem is just he doesnt think of it, and as soon as hes touched hes ready to go then surely he would want sex when you initiate?

His problem is he doesnt want to have sex with you OP. He didnt want to have sex with you at any point this week, thats not just not thinking about sex, thats actively not wanting it.

Hes not being honest, hes making a lot of excuses but it doesnt really add up. How does he feel about sex with you? If he imagines sex with you does it turn him on?

I have to say OP, this is exactly what I was thinking too. If it was simply laziness then he would still be making more effort than it seems he is now.

I think it's the scheduling part that was the problem there. I was literally telling him a task he had to do, on Christmas week.

He absolutely does not have any libido unless he's touched. For whatever reason, I guess will become apparent. Needs to become apparent.

It's like his brain is completely detached from his groin.

And I have to figure out what to do with that new information. I have to realise I'm effectively living without the male gaze. As a feminist, that's posing some big questions for me. Do I want that? Or not? Lots to unpick in myself.

That doesn’t make sense op. Maybe something is missing here. Because if what you’re saying is correct, then there is no issue. You just need to touch him and he’s ready for sex? So really you jus5 need to not mention it in advance.

How did neither of you know this in sixteen years. Have you never just touched him?

It also doesn’t tie with him saying he has never needed it etc.

But it is good news though right? Your problem is solved. You just need to touch him and not mention it in advance and you will be having lots of sex.

Also how does the fact he masturbates tie to the no libido unless touched?