Just told DH we don't have to have sex anymore. For his sake.

[Xmasdaymam]

We just had a big weepy chat by the kitchen sink whilst the kids were playing with their new toys.

We'd been a bit quiet for the past couple of days since I lightly asked if we could have sex sometime this week (it's been 2 months) and he went "Welllllll...." and I was like "wow, shot down!" and he tried to explain but I said "no need, let's just enjoy our night". And we did have a nice night but he was very quiet and preoccupied. There was no need to explain because I knew it was just that he didn't want to.

Because it has been 16 years of me raising the subject every couple of months. And yes we do usually have sex every couple of months. And we both enjoy it SOOO much. And say "we must do that more often". But then it disappears in him for another couple of months and tbh if I had no sex drive we would be completely sexless and he would be fine.

So this morning he asked if I was cross with him and I said I was more cross with myself because I should have said nothing. Because I KNEW. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different answer. And I was sorry for raising it at all, and I needed to accept him the way he was.

And then he got very upset and was like what kind of man am I? I'm supposed to do this. He said "it's never been in me. Not even when I was 19. The other lads would be mad for it and I couldn't understand it because I never needed it at all". And there were tears and us both apologising to each other, him for being the way he is and me for being the way I am.

I told him we could just be pals. Because we are such great pals. He said he didn't want that, that we could find a compromise but I pointed out that the past 16 years have been a compromise and I don't want pity shags every 6 months to keep me happy. I have a vibrator, I will keep my mouth shut and manage. He hates the thought of me unhappy. But I told him I have to learn to be happy with a different kind of relationship and I will keep my needs behind closed doors with my vibrator.

So then I went to have a shower but I am just in the bedroom crying. I wish I was different. I should be different. There are so many women on here who are happy if they never have sex again. I know I can't chop off my groin. But sometimes I wish I could and we would be content, we would be pals forever.

He has never masterbated, he has zero interest in porn. He's definitely not gay. He's just possibly asexual, or at least on that spectrum. I remember when we first moved in together getting a shock that we weren't all over each other now that we had our own place.

We only had sex twice on honeymoon and tbh I initiated both times and the second time was only because he sensed I was getting upset.

I am devastated. I am only 45. I am such a sexual person. I always have been. I want to be wanted so bad. I want to be fancied. But I have realised that if I was a man coming on here and he was the woman, I would get my arse handed to me for not accepting her the way she is.

Please guide me in how to have a sexless relationship that is still close and sweet. Because we love each other so much and I don't want to feel myself pulling away from all affection. But I fear I will do it unconsciously and it will actually affect our marriage going forward.

@Coffeeandcocopops I know what your saying. But let’s leave high sex drives people aside a moment. People who tend to have a lower sex drive would usually like to have sex more than twice a year it’s not normal. It’s been like this for 16 years. It’s unhealthy. As you said you are in your 50s did you feel this way in your 20s?

This is the unusual part (perhaps where people suspect gay). There was never a decline in their sex life. It was lacking for the start... which is very telling

@Bagamoyo1 actually I think withholding sex from a partner or spouse over a protracted period of time is abusive. Because you are denying them physical intimacy, the physical manifestation of how you feel about each other. You're denying them a basic human need but placing them in a no win situation - accept a sexless relationship (ie their terms) or to leave. My DP's exwife did this and then was shocked when he left her after 15 years of low/no intimacy.
OP - please think again. I'm sorry but I don't think a sexless marriage for the rest of your life is the way forward. Where is the compromise? He gets to be sexless, which he likes. And you? You have to 'sort yourself out' which in no way replicates the feeling of being wanted and desired.

He gets to be sexless, which he likes

He’s not really sexless though he masturbates. He is choosing celibacy. They both knew though. Before they got married.

As said, his wording is very telling. When asked if he was gay he didn’t say god no I don’t fancy men, he said I’ve never had sex with a man and don’t want to. He totally blanked answering if he was attracted to men. Which would be the normal answer.

If he masturbates he has normal sexual urges. The op was under the imprsssion he never masturbated. So if she didn’t know that, what else doesn’t she know.

DH is like this. And has always been. We met as 21 year olds. He rarely masturbated even then. We have talked about it over the years and he is mostly asexual. I think the difference is that I don’t have a very active sex drive, especially post kids. In our 20s I would have wanted more sex but we were in demanding graduate school programmes and doing fieldwork in far away places (South Africa and India) so it wasn’t an ongoing issue. When we got married again it wasn’t a huge issue because I think my sex drive wasn’t as high as yours. Again I would have wanted more sex than he did and if I initiated it he would never say no.

We are in our 40s. Both of us are very affectionate and he’s a seriously lovely man who is a great husband and father. And like you, when we have sex it is very very good because he’s great at it. For me, as long as he kisses me, holds me, it is fine. He never rejects me when I initiate sex and he initiates it once every few months, sometimes every 6 months or so. That’s okay for me. The thing is that he never ever makes me feel undesirable in our everyday life without having sex. And because he has been such a supportive partner in so many ways the sex thing isn’t an issue.
I don’t have a magic solution for you but I suspect that talking about it is the way forward. But no, you are not alone.

Was following this thread yesterday and just returned it. Pleased to see your dh is wanting to fight for his marriage.

There is nothing lonelier than being in bed with a huge gulf between you. Physical and emotional.
I know this from experience and I crave being wanted and desired rather than being seen as someone you just life with.
My ex never had a huge sex drive and I hadn't noticed it as we had children quickly and put it down to children, tiredness etc. I remember sitting in my friends kitchen when our youngest children were about 3 and she said, oh I have to have sex tonight. they were on a schedule (which has worked BTW) and I broke down as it had been so long since I had been wanted and felt like a sex pest.
That was the start of my discovery and it has played havoc with my mental health along with a few other things. My self esteem was on the floor and despite trying work through it, he wasn't that bothered and I did not want to stay with someone who it seemed felt sorry for me and I knew the only way was to separate.
The gulf between us was insurmountable.

I really hope you can work through it. It sounds promising

Sorry also to say that DH is not gay. He’s not very sexual and that’s just it.
I am not sure it’s helpful to dissect every conversation between the OP and her DH. It’s hard to convey tone like this. And to some extent we have to take the OP’s word for it.

He sounds asexual.

In this type of situation I think the person with the low (I.e no) libido is selfish, if they expect sexual fidelity from their partner.

The OP Is a self described sensual person. It seems Kind of cruel to marry someone & have your heads in the sand about the reality that you don’t want to have a sex life.

I think the asexual partner should allow the other to discreetly explore opportunities to have that need met elsewhere.

It is everyone’s right to not have sex they don’t want. It is also unfair to unilaterally decide that your partner must be basically celibate because you don’t like or want sex.

actually I think withholding sex from a partner or spouse over a protracted period of time is abusive. Because you are denying them physical intimacy, the physical manifestation of how you feel about each other. You're denying them a basic human need but placing them in a no win situation - accept a sexless relationship (ie their terms) or to leave. My DP's exwife did this and then was shocked when he left her after 15 years of low/no intimacy @Macaroni46c

No, its not abusive, its their own body and they have an absolute right not to be touched sexually if they want. Not giving someone intimate access to your body can never be abusive. I do, however, think that if one partner does not want sex anymore, or very infrequently, they need to have an open conversation with their partner that this is the way they are and it is not going to change, and to discuss what this means to the relationship. Can their partner accept a sexless relationship/ will the marriage become an open one?/ does the marriage need to end? That might be no-win but life often throws up situations where you have no good choices. That is not the fault of the partner who finds their sex drive has gone. What is their fault is if they don't start a conversation about this. Not having this conversation is similar to having an affair, both are based on lack of honesty and respect.

It’s not abusive. In fact the opposite could be said to be true, feeling you’re entitled to sex and demanding it. No one is entitled to sex.

Also folks need to remember he’s never hid that he didn’t wish to have sex with the op, this is not something new, it has always been the case.

Usually, when you marry someone you are entering into a monogamous relationship that restricts your access to sex outside the relationship. If there is going to be restrictions within the union this should be made clear before the union is forged. This isn't rocket science. It's just an ethical thing to do. Plenty of people are asexual/ low in libido etc. Many partners may assume it is temporary or will improve as the OP has done. He did not make it clear that this was forever, the OP wouldn't have continued to hope for change for over a decade if that was the case.

No one should have sex when they don't want it. No one should enter a marriage without being warned through clear discussion about the sexless nature that marriage would continue to be.

This is nothing more than friendship, youre frightened about facing up to the reality that this is what you're relationship has turned to, nothing more than housemates. Im sorry to be blunt but the fact you thought it was mistake yo post after voicing youre concerns says it all. Its not normal after 16years not to participate in sexual relations with youre spouse unless its mutually agreed by both parties. Its clear you want to embark on that emotional physical side of the relationship that sex involves and there's nothing wrong with that. Youre at a stale mate and it seems youre pleasing youre dh however what are you getting out of this relationship? Nothing more than friendship. Its youre decision but life is too short.

Counselling won’t fix this after this long. He is what he is. You either accept, find a solution that involves permission to seek sex elsewhere or you leave. Be warned though I left in my mid 40’s for something similes and it’s hasn’t been a bed of Roses. Idiots galore in the dating world. Yes you will get sex, some of it good but fuck me there are some idiots around in the dating pool. No wonder they are single.

@Xmasdaymam

Thank you so much, that's so kind.

If people knew how much of the mental load he carries, how much of the kids stuff, how much of the housework and the groceries and birthday and Christmas presents he gets involved in. He's a real life partner, a real buddy.

Ive had bad PND in the past and had huge caring responsibilities in the past also and been on anti-ds both times. He has been so supportive and always boosted me. I had a total career change and he was my biggest cheerleader. He isn't snappy, doesn't get personal, doesn't drink that much.

It's literally this one thing. I wish I could just ignore it completely.

I’ve read your posts with interest. My DH has a similar approach to sex. Quite enjoys it when it’s initiated by me. But has never initiated it from a place of real desire. (A few times recently he has because we are at crunch PT in our marriage - but I can tell it feels like he’s attending to a chore - tho I also he think due to our history he’s in rather a catch 22 position).

I really empathise with that deep desire to be wanted. For me it’s massive and has eroded my self esteem over the years.

I guess for me I see that you feel like a team with your DH. That he loves you and shows it. My DH does many kind things but I feel that there is a lot I don’t like about him (inc quite a lot of fairly heavy drinking) and that I carry the burden of most of our lives ... inc our sex lives & health of our marriage. So it’s interesting to read the differences I guess. I totally understand why you’re so upset. And also why you said what you said. But your positives column seems much greater than mine too.

@Bluntness100

It’s not abusive. In fact the opposite could be said to be true, feeling you’re entitled to sex and demanding it. No one is entitled to sex.

Also folks need to remember he’s never hid that he didn’t wish to have sex with the op, this is not something new, it has always been the case.

Maybe abuse is a bit strong. I can’t think of a word tbh something doesn’t sit right after OPs update... her husband is in the wrong to deprive his wife yet pleasure himself though it’s beyond selfish.

Sex isn’t an entitlement however it is a natural thing to want to do... even for animals!

A poster suggested something floats his boat and I think I have to agree...

“her husband is in the wrong to deprive his wife yet pleasure himself though it’s beyond selfish.”

This. Another here who doesn’t think OP’s DH sounds particularly lovely. I think he sounds quite unkind.

This thread has been interesting to say the least. I think OP sounds wonderful. I think when you enter any relationship/marriage whatever you go with at the beginning you shouldn’t be grudged for years later... obviously I’m sure if OP had of known the full extent of her DH issue she may of thought twice.

This is deeper than I originally first realised. OP needs to suggest they masturbate together or something... (sorry to be crude!).

Sex isn’t an entitlement however it is a natural thing to want to do... even for animals

But this isn’t he is depriving her because he is selfish, it’s because he doesn’t want to. Sex is natural, but Only with someone you wish to have sex with..I certainly don’t wish to have sex with someone who I feel no sexual attraction to, and never have.

Remember it’s always been like this. It’s not like the op was misled into thinking he wanted sex, nothing has changed, she chose to stay with him and marry him under these conditions. She’s always known he didn’t wish to. She even says she knows he’s not sexually attracted to her. She knows and has pretty much always known. He only has sex with her because she gets upset if he doesn’t. He’s basically performing his duties.

The only thing he’s misled her over is clearly why he doesn’t wish sex with her. And the fact he enjoys it when they do have sex. But this isn’t he changed the terms of the deal. The op knew from very early on what she was signing up for.

@Bluntness100

How on earth can you state that the situation hasn't changed since before they married? How do you know exactly what happened before their marriage? How do you know that she always knew he didn't want to have sex with her, wasn't sexually attracted to her and only did it because she was upset? The episode she mentions this happened was on their honeymoon. (Which was after their marriage.)

You state opinion and dress it up as fact when it is just your opinion. Nothing more.

The OP says that she was surprised they weren't all over each other when they moved in together, this just means it wasn't as often as she expected.
It was probably more often than the 2-6 times a year that happens now. Everything else she said was after their marriage, including his acknowledgement that he felt this way at 19. I think he has misled her rather terribly. My opinion. Not fact.

@Bluntness100 I don’t really agree with that. When you enter a marriage you sometimes change things along the way especially regarding sex.

I’ve been following and I know OP said it’s always been like that. However marriage is not some kind of formal contract where the T&Cs can’t be altered slightly... lots of us date people then didn't realise when it’s too late...

He is selfish which part of OPs husband isn’t selfish? He’s pleasures himself what about OP??

You say you certainly wouldn’t have sex to someone who you wasn’t attracted too... then you have no business continuing that relationship surely?

The DH has made NO attempt to resolve this why? Because HES COMFORTABLE.

The husband has been having it ALL. OP needs to toughen up here!!

@Jessie5R I agree things aren’t as black and white as what blunts saying. If only!

How on earth can you state that the situation hasn't changed since before they married? How do you know exactly what happened before their marriage

Because she tells us.

OP has known from the start that he doesnt want sex with her

However I dont think the DH sounds that lovely. I think OP is convincing herself hes lovely because hes lacking in a very basic area of a relationship, however he has realistically never wanted sex with her and only when finally his relationship is under threat decided to do anything about it. I dont think its very lovely to marry someone you dont want to have sex with, knowing that they want a lot of sex. He has come up with some options now only 16 years down the line, OP has made clear this is problem for many years.

I do agree with bluntness though and think he sounds gay. Hes not asexual because he masterbates and he enjoys sex. He clearly has sexual thoughts just not about OP. If DP were to ask me if I were gay I would say no because I want to shag him, i have no desire to have sex with women. He didnt even say he didnt fancy men, just hed never shagged one.

If you maintain the status quo, I think there are a number of dangers ahead - one being, as others have said, growing resentment and anger which will seep into your relationship making it not so wonderful in other ways. The other, and I know all about this, is that someday you WILL find yourself attracted to someone else and if everything aligns, you will be vulnerable to having an affair. I wouldn't judge you for it necessarily, but others would and your perfect and wonderful husband might become otherwise if you committed the Great Sin of infidelity, regardless of context, his role in creating the conditions in which it happened etc..

I dont think its very lovely to marry someone you dont want to have sex with, knowing that they want a lot of sex.

I didn’t necessarily get the impression that the OP wanted a lot of sex, she said that at one point she tried to get him to agree that every three weeks should be a set minimum.

There’s been very little sex in her married life

@Bluntness100

No she doesn't tell us. She states she thought everything was normal and he just had a lower sex drive, yes she says she had to get him to agree to every three weeks because the time between sex made her feel undesirable, but she didn't think he didn't desire her at all. In fact he has often agreed that he has enjoyed sex and that they should have it more often.

The statements you make are just wrong based on the information. You aren't just blunt, you are misinformed.