Just told DH we don't have to have sex anymore. For his sake.

[Xmasdaymam]

We just had a big weepy chat by the kitchen sink whilst the kids were playing with their new toys.

We'd been a bit quiet for the past couple of days since I lightly asked if we could have sex sometime this week (it's been 2 months) and he went "Welllllll...." and I was like "wow, shot down!" and he tried to explain but I said "no need, let's just enjoy our night". And we did have a nice night but he was very quiet and preoccupied. There was no need to explain because I knew it was just that he didn't want to.

Because it has been 16 years of me raising the subject every couple of months. And yes we do usually have sex every couple of months. And we both enjoy it SOOO much. And say "we must do that more often". But then it disappears in him for another couple of months and tbh if I had no sex drive we would be completely sexless and he would be fine.

So this morning he asked if I was cross with him and I said I was more cross with myself because I should have said nothing. Because I KNEW. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different answer. And I was sorry for raising it at all, and I needed to accept him the way he was.

And then he got very upset and was like what kind of man am I? I'm supposed to do this. He said "it's never been in me. Not even when I was 19. The other lads would be mad for it and I couldn't understand it because I never needed it at all". And there were tears and us both apologising to each other, him for being the way he is and me for being the way I am.

I told him we could just be pals. Because we are such great pals. He said he didn't want that, that we could find a compromise but I pointed out that the past 16 years have been a compromise and I don't want pity shags every 6 months to keep me happy. I have a vibrator, I will keep my mouth shut and manage. He hates the thought of me unhappy. But I told him I have to learn to be happy with a different kind of relationship and I will keep my needs behind closed doors with my vibrator.

So then I went to have a shower but I am just in the bedroom crying. I wish I was different. I should be different. There are so many women on here who are happy if they never have sex again. I know I can't chop off my groin. But sometimes I wish I could and we would be content, we would be pals forever.

He has never masterbated, he has zero interest in porn. He's definitely not gay. He's just possibly asexual, or at least on that spectrum. I remember when we first moved in together getting a shock that we weren't all over each other now that we had our own place.

We only had sex twice on honeymoon and tbh I initiated both times and the second time was only because he sensed I was getting upset.

I am devastated. I am only 45. I am such a sexual person. I always have been. I want to be wanted so bad. I want to be fancied. But I have realised that if I was a man coming on here and he was the woman, I would get my arse handed to me for not accepting her the way she is.

Please guide me in how to have a sexless relationship that is still close and sweet. Because we love each other so much and I don't want to feel myself pulling away from all affection. But I fear I will do it unconsciously and it will actually affect our marriage going forward.

Yeh menopause has lowered my sex drive. That is why i suggested moving to a house with a spare b3droom. I know there is more going on psychologically but .... worth thinking about

God he sounds lovely, you both do.

No advice at all, but for what it's worth I'm really rooting for you to find a place where you are both fulfilled and happy.

I don't think he sounds lovely at all. I don't think any of this sounds lovely to be honest. I think it sounds awful. I think when a pp is saying to you "maybe you will be lucky and the menopause will lower your sex drive" so you can be okay in your marriage then something is dreadfully wrong. and OP, you're 45, stop being so bloody naive about everything. I cannot believe you were under the impression your husband had tests to check his testosterone when he hasn't. I am 43 and I would have known this for a fact in your situation. (My husband had tests at one point but it was something else, since rectified by working bloody hard on it all). I wouldn't be in your situation to be frank. Start talking like the middle age couple you are.

We did explore why he's doing anything at all. I said, if I gave you a hormone patch to make you like me, would you even like the change? He says he's not sure, but we are too important as a couple not to try.

Op this is heartbreaking . I'd be distraught if this was my husband. You're asking you're own husband tonlikenyou, begging for scraps. I feel so sorry for your situation

I asked him if he was having sex with me because he wanted it or because I wanted it. He said I'm honestly not sure. He said if he thought about it, if I never wanted sex, he would probably only ever actually physically want it twice a year.

So, he loves you but isn’t sexually attracted to you and never really has been. This is different to the usual tale on MN which is of couples starting off having lots of sex and then ending up with mismatched drives as (usually) the woman’s libido decreases. With care and attention those sex lives can potentially regroup, as long as the spark is still there and the reasons for the drop in interest are acknowledged or addressed. However, counselling won’t make him desire you because he never has.

I don’t know what I’d do OP, but it must be sad and frustrating. You need to make peace with the fact that your sex life with this man is over.

@nolongersurprised what makes you think he isn’t sexual attracted to OP?

OP firstly, I am sorry you are in this situation!
I guess there are only realistically two options, you continue as you are, possibly exploring the route of sex counselling, if both of you are willing to try this, although from your post it seems it’s not something he wants, or desires. Or you leave!
Personally, if my husband gave up on the sexual part of our marriage, then I would leave the marriage, to me sex is something that’s very important and something that is something only you and your husband can do together that’s intimate and close.
Short-term you may be happy to sexually satisfy your own needs, via masturbation and sex toys but long-term this runs the risk of resentment.

Because he doesn’t want to have sex with her. The OP has been raising the subject with him for 16 years.

And she says But then it disappears in him for another couple of months and tbh if I had no sex drive we would be completely sexless and he would be fine.

He doesn’t desire her and he never really has.

He may be attracted to her in many other ways, but he doesn’t want to have sex with her.

Sorry you feel this way OP.
I have the same ‘issue’ but it’s me who has lost sex drive due to early menopause and I feel shortchanged in life to have lost all sexual feelings. I just feel guilty all the time and what’s hardest is knowing His sex drive is going nowhere as normally for men it remains into old age doesn’t it and I think how can I do this for next 30 years if can’t Russel up any passion now! Like you I can’t talk to anybody I know about this - even he and I avoid talking about it. The point of me replying is just this - that you will go through menopause in a few short years (sorry , sounds shit but it’s just fact), and that will dampen your desires and you will become more compatible in that area. If he is the right one for you in every other way then stick at it, find other ways to be sensual (which may or may not coax him into it), such as massage and generally being physically affectionate in other ways (holding hands or putting arms around each other), to demonstrate your love and affections. Sorry OP perhaps none of this helpful to you, just had to post as it resonates with me and my situation, and I feel for you.

He says he's not sure, but we are too important as a couple not to try.

I said as much earlier. Its so obvious you have a great emotional connection with him and your marriage is so worth giving a chance.

@nolongersurprised

Because he doesn’t want to have sex with her. The OP has been raising the subject with him for 16 years.

And she says But then it disappears in him for another couple of months and tbh if I had no sex drive we would be completely sexless and he would be fine.

He doesn’t desire her and he never really has.

Hmmm. I don’t think it’s a case of he doesn’t desire her. According to OP he has always been this way before her and her DH gave examples of this when he was aware he was different to his friends.

Other wise it’s likely he would of had sex with another women in 16 years! Also they probably wouldn’t be having good sex if there was no desire.

It sounds like the DH is like this in general and these issues would have developed later on in the marriage not from the very start.

I'm sorry I haven't read every single post.

I'm just hoping that you intend to keep physical intimacy going - long hugs, massages, touching, handholding, really looking at each other, compliments. The people I know who are in very low sex frequency relationships and would rather they weren't (the men, I'm afraid) all say they miss the intimacy more than the sex. And they miss the sex a lot. You are taking a hard road, for love, and that's something very special, but I would also think you might benefit from therapy. You're allowed to have feelings that contradict a decision you've made even if you're sticking to the decision.

The obvious answer is he’s gay ( we all know of similar relationships). But I hope the OP does not jump to that conclusion. It’s a big step to make, and might be totally wrong. In fact your DH might even be confused. Culturally it’s a lot better in Ireland today, so that’s a positive.

It sounds like the relationship is pretty sound and you’re both able to talk about sex, I agree he should visit his gp for a full health check, would he consider counselling? There could be issues from his past.
In the meantime would he be interested in “helping you out” that way it takes the pressure off him, you get the itch scratched and you’re still intimate in a non threatening way.

Hmmm. I don’t think it’s a case of he doesn’t desire her. According to OP he has always been this way before her and her DH gave examples of this when he was aware he was different to his friends.

It doesn’t sound specific to the OP, it sounds like he hasn’t really wanted to have sex with anyone, although when it does happen he’s perfectly functional.

In her opening post the OP acknowledges that he doesn’t sexually desire her, she said I want to be wanted so bad. I want to be fancied.

When questioned directly about whether he fancies her he says he does but qualifies it by saying that he still doesn’t want to do anything sexually.

He sounds like an otherwise lovely husband but he doesn’t sound like he’s ever really desired her sexually. This may be his normal, he may be more sexually attracted to the OP than he has ever been to anyone else but as the OP says, she hasn’t ever felt wanted or desired.

It’s unrealistic to expect counselling to induce desire where there has never been any.

Don't stay. With holding affection is also a form of abuse...

Dramatic. There's no hint of purposely withholding affection in an abusive way. Some people don't have much of a sex drive. If it was a woman 'withholding sex' because she genuinely didn't fancy it, nobody would accuse her of abuse.

I don't think there's anything wrong necessarily with having a fuck buddy

Well lots of people do think it's an unnacceptable way to live, and this particular OP has made it quite clear this far in the thread that it's not her style. Unhelpful.

@Xmasdaymam I have just read your thread and had to jump on to say what a beautiful relationship you seem to have. Certainly a difficult issue to confront and figure out, but you clearly both love each other and have wonderful open communication. I really wish you all the best in finding the answer to living happily together.

I agree that he sounds absolutely lovely and like a great partner. I wouldn't close off any doors and would go into counseling with a totally open mind. I wish you all the very best.

I could have written your OP. Following with interest.

It’s interesting that he masturbates though. Likely more than he’s admitting too. So he clearly has sexual urges. Just not for women.

@SainsIsOrange

So a couple of things for you to check out: 1) Google "responsive desire". Does this sound like him? No active interest, but if you leap down the bed and lick him like a lolly with an attitude of 'I'll just see what happens, if he's not up for a shag after five minutes I'll go get my vibrator and he can hold my hand while I have some fun myself" does it end up with him going, "that was fun, must do it more often'? Or with him falling asleep and you crawling out from under the duvet going FFS! 2) other PPs have covered getting a check from the GP and this is just sensible, just to rule out anything that can be fixed quite simply

He sounds mainly lovely!
My OH is not the world's most frequent initiator, but I had a surge in libido about 8 years ago and would just drag him off to bed with the promise that we would just give it a go and if it turned out that his body just wanted to nap, we would just have a cuddle instead. Most of the time he would end up getting into it - I threatened to have "I like sex" tattooed on his blooming knuckles because it was SO OFTEN that he was "oh I don't know..." and ended up in a sweaty satisfied lump conked out cold!

I would say it's a bit different from when a woman doesn't want sex because for us IT HURTS if you're not into it AND IT STOPS US SLEEPING. Neither of these factors apply to your DH ?

God what a revolting post. So you basically pestered, cajoled and made him have sex he didn't want. Just because he ended up getting into it doesn't make it OK - coerced sex is not good sex. No means no except when it's a man saying it eh?

I don't think he is a good man. If he was, he'd have discussed the issue before you moved in together or before you had children. And as for compromise, I don't see any compromise here from him - all the compromise is coming from you. Surely he couldn't have thought that most women would have found this acceptable.

I really don't understand why so many are gushing about how "bloody lovely" he is.

Is this how low the bar is?

All he talks about is his needs, his feelings.

If he's that lovely, why has it taken him 16 years to react?

Why isn't he suggesting OP take a lover?

Why hasn't he reflected on leaving her to release her to be with someone who desires her?