Just told DH we don't have to have sex anymore. For his sake.

[Xmasdaymam]

We just had a big weepy chat by the kitchen sink whilst the kids were playing with their new toys.

We'd been a bit quiet for the past couple of days since I lightly asked if we could have sex sometime this week (it's been 2 months) and he went "Welllllll...." and I was like "wow, shot down!" and he tried to explain but I said "no need, let's just enjoy our night". And we did have a nice night but he was very quiet and preoccupied. There was no need to explain because I knew it was just that he didn't want to.

Because it has been 16 years of me raising the subject every couple of months. And yes we do usually have sex every couple of months. And we both enjoy it SOOO much. And say "we must do that more often". But then it disappears in him for another couple of months and tbh if I had no sex drive we would be completely sexless and he would be fine.

So this morning he asked if I was cross with him and I said I was more cross with myself because I should have said nothing. Because I KNEW. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different answer. And I was sorry for raising it at all, and I needed to accept him the way he was.

And then he got very upset and was like what kind of man am I? I'm supposed to do this. He said "it's never been in me. Not even when I was 19. The other lads would be mad for it and I couldn't understand it because I never needed it at all". And there were tears and us both apologising to each other, him for being the way he is and me for being the way I am.

I told him we could just be pals. Because we are such great pals. He said he didn't want that, that we could find a compromise but I pointed out that the past 16 years have been a compromise and I don't want pity shags every 6 months to keep me happy. I have a vibrator, I will keep my mouth shut and manage. He hates the thought of me unhappy. But I told him I have to learn to be happy with a different kind of relationship and I will keep my needs behind closed doors with my vibrator.

So then I went to have a shower but I am just in the bedroom crying. I wish I was different. I should be different. There are so many women on here who are happy if they never have sex again. I know I can't chop off my groin. But sometimes I wish I could and we would be content, we would be pals forever.

He has never masterbated, he has zero interest in porn. He's definitely not gay. He's just possibly asexual, or at least on that spectrum. I remember when we first moved in together getting a shock that we weren't all over each other now that we had our own place.

We only had sex twice on honeymoon and tbh I initiated both times and the second time was only because he sensed I was getting upset.

I am devastated. I am only 45. I am such a sexual person. I always have been. I want to be wanted so bad. I want to be fancied. But I have realised that if I was a man coming on here and he was the woman, I would get my arse handed to me for not accepting her the way she is.

Please guide me in how to have a sexless relationship that is still close and sweet. Because we love each other so much and I don't want to feel myself pulling away from all affection. But I fear I will do it unconsciously and it will actually affect our marriage going forward.

I agree with Snowy that it possibly could work, I am 100% sure I could find a way with mutual compromise (& no you haven’t had it ‘your’ way for the first part of the marriage so it would need to be both working at for the future)

However, also like Snowy I’ve been in an abusive relationship so my thinking may be affected by that, namely for me a desire to ‘make things ok’.

And I worry that giving advice to you based on both you and your DP being non-abusive is what you want/need and yet I, and others, have taken a long time to realise when our own partner was abusive.

So fence-sitting out of a fear of getting it wrong aside - I think a third party neutral professional opinion might be useful.

Not all counsellors work on sex specifically but the issue isn’t necessarily PIV act, it is about exploring your relationship in a safe space, finding out what you both feel about sex, affection, tactility, companionship, co-parenting and what you see your future looking like, red lines, areas of possible compromise.

The replies may be mixed but it is a complicated question, and many of us who have experienced sex being used as a weapon would rightly be wary of replying with positive suggestions of how you should accommodate him further when you have compromised already over the years.

Equally anyone with different sex drives may see how he has compromised for you.

Hopefully you are both open to exploring it further if you are in a good relationship otherwise, but please don’t dismiss posters genuine concerns that you look clearly at the relationship as a whole, because no amount of compromise will ever be enough if there is any kind of abuse.

I just want to clarify things a bit.

People seem to think he's known all along? He has always known he had a lesser sex drive than me, but he never thought he was abnormal.

He has total sexual function. Gets hard straight away and lasts. And enjoys sex very much when he's in the moment. He likes my body, he enjoys the closeness. So why would he think there was anything wrong with him?

And so I believed he was fine too. Except a lower sex drive. But we've always ended up having sex after a few months. It was only 3 months after the babies were born, it was only 3 weeks after his Dad died. It always happened again. It was just so spaced out.

And he doesn't want to take sex off the table now. Obviously I'm not continuing to talk about it as it's Xmas day. But he doesn't want our sexual relationship to die. It upsets him hugely.

But I'd rather no sex at all than such sporadic sex only when he initiates it. And I was quite firm on that.

At least this way I'm not on tenterhooks.

So to clarify, it is the sporadicness that had killed me over the past 16 years.

The never knowing how long it'll be, and knowing after we have sex and are lying there happy, that it won't be for weeks and weeks again. That's the part that is corrosive.

I thought I had written this op.
Last night I just outright asked my DH if we could have sex and he said no. As usual. I've given up hinting or being seductive
it's humiliating.
Much of what you have said resonates with me. I'm only 31, I just want to feel loved, he doesn't equate sex with love but I do. Sorry to jump on your thread, just wanted to say you're not alone in this.

** And then he got very upset and was like what kind of man am I? I'm supposed to do this. He said "it's never been in me. Not even when I was 19. The other lads would be mad for it and I couldn't understand it because I never needed it at all"

He said himself OP. You also said if it wasn’t for your needs he wouldn’t mind completely sexless.

The poster that mentioned a gay possibility but wanting to be married I agree. It’s a real possibility here.

OP I'm female and the same as your husband. I could go without sex forever. Im sorry you find yourself into this situation. I have been in the situation the other way around so I know how difficult it can be.

What do you do if anything in terms of physical affection? I'm far more likely to share some sort of affection/intimacy if I know sex isn't the logical conclusion.

I don't have any magic bullet but just wanted to say sorry I know it's tough albeit from the other side. Xx

Women in the same position aren't told to 'go and get checked out' like it's more acceptable for women to have no interest in sex
Again, not true. The woman would be asked about her health, physical and mental, had she just had a baby, has there been a bereavement, does he take on a fair share of the mental load, are they equal partners in the home, do they both do a fair share of chores... On mumsnet people look for reasons in order to find solutions.

It is a tricky situation. Obviously marriages are comprised of many parts and everyone has areas that they will comprise on and red lines across which they aren't willing to tread. It sounds like the suggestions of leaving came as quite a shock and wasn't what you were expecting but equally, the realisation that sex hasn't been what you had hoped for has given rise to a feeling of loss.

Everyone has their own red lines. Some people aren't willing to comprise over sex and see it as very important and some don't. There really is no wrong or right in this but what you are willing to live with or without as the case may be. People can only give advice from their perspective. If leaving is absolutely out of the question then you will have to find a compromise for the sake of your own well being. I hope that you can resolve this in a positive way.

Have you honestly every laid it down on the table about how this makes you feel and how it is killing you OP. This seems at heart to be a communication issue and in part your willingness to bottled up your emotions and take the blame.

I think some proper communication and laying the cards on the table from both of you and some counselling for both of you.

The never knowing how long it'll be, and knowing after we have sex and are lying there happy, that it won't be for weeks and weeks again. That's the part that is corrosive.

Because actually this struck me as being your side of the part of the problem - life is partly never knowing. It gets in the way that is perfectly normal. Why is it corrosive to you - what is your part in all of this.

Separate counselling I think and maybe some together is needed.

What isnt is you bottling it all up and taking it off the table completely

Well, you alluded that he had always known about it, talking about your honeymoon etc, and him saying that he has always been the problem. You have few options in my opinion. The rot may very well set in with both of you. Right now you're tired of the sporadic nature and rarity of sex and that it's always on his terms, but as you say he enjoys it ( your update is incredibly depressing ), he's not going to like it being off the table. For 16 years he's had you right there when he's interested. It was never reciprocated but hey ho.

Good luck and have a nice Christmas.

The only thing that makes you a couple is the sex and attraction, otherwise you are close friends, brothers, family, even flatmates but not a couple in practice.

If seems to me that as much as you love each other, this situation is going to continue to make you miserable for years and years to come as you are the one who is negating who you are while he is accepting himself as he is, a few apologies/tears here and there but no desire to change. This effort to stay together is made at his convenience and your sacrifice, he doesn’t even want to try.

It is better to part in good terms abd keep that friendship going than waiting until you get so frustrated and resentful you cannot even be civil to each other.

16 years of no improvement is proof the arrangement you are proposing of taking the blame for having a perfectly normal sexual drive it is not fair, the fact that you cannot even bring the subject of having his testosterone levels checked is quite telling: your communication as a couple is below what you can expect in a good relationship or everything in your relationship is done to fit your husband. None of this is good news.

OP I feel your hurt and can totally relate. I can’t remember when I last had sex. But I do know that it would have been not great. My DH never had a high libido and relied on viagra right from the word go. When I discovered this I knew it would have some impact for the rest of my life. And I was right. Our sex life has dwindled to nothing and actually I prefer that rather than bad sex. We have a lot of other good things going for us and two lovely kids.
We have discussed it a lot and I said that it’s never going to be fixed unless we go to a counsellor. I’ve been to one alone but he never has nor have we gone to one together. For my part I just can’t be bothered now. I’ve made all the sacrifices and put in all the effort and my Olympian bedroom antics got us two kids. So I’m not going the extra mile anymore to sort out something that takes two to sort out. I often think that he thinks it’ll get all better in time. And I’ll forget that we had a conversation about ‘needing to speak a counsellor’.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to be wanted, fancied. That just doesn’t exist for him. He doesn’t look at me in that way. He has never come in and just looked at me in that way with lustful longing.

Like you I get by, alone with my toys and my imagination. Like you I’m not just going to leave or have an affair. But yes every so often I feel incredibly sad. I long for the touch of someone who is longing for me. For those who have a wonderfully loving sexual relationship, you are lucky. Whilst the way the OP and I live might not be the norm it is not as uncommon as the world is led to believe.

I wish I could say more to help OP but I can’t. I get on with it, and feel sad sometimes. Usually when something reminds me of what’s missing.

Life is a journey not a destination. Xx

OP this sounds really hard. I’m just sending love and strength and hope you can find a way forward.

I'm in a similar position although for different reasons I think. But DH has never been that bothered about sex and is very prudish. We haven't had sex for years. I miss the closeness but not the deed because I can achieve great orgasms through masturbation.

I agree it would be nice to feel irresistible and sexy again but I don't need that enough to cheat on my loving husband and I'm not chucking a lifetime of happiness and shared history away.

Is he on anti depressants ,they kill your sex drive

Also OP, you get to decide what you want to do going forward. But you can take your time. Talk about it more with your husband.

It’s not that uncommon, we also have difficulties with our sex life, slightly different but not dissimilar.

It’s also common for men to find it harder to get an erection after 40 or so but this is also not talked about much.

There are some great books and podcasts on this topic. Esther Perel is very good.

The good thing is you've talked about it. Communication is very important. I think from your posts he has always been this way....he hasn't deceived you or hidden anything.

He has a low sex drive and I suspect that because he was lovely in other aspects of your relationship, you overlooked it or possibly thought things would improve.

He doesn't have to be gay as pp have suggested...nobody suggests a woman if she's gay if she's not interested in sex. She isn't advised to get tests at the GP.... the response tends to be ...
Does he pull his weight around the house...all the questions come right back to the man.

Or you get...it's your body...he's not entitled to sex on tap....he's a sex pest etc

I don't think sex needs to be on a calendar or chart.

He does sound like he wants the situation to be different and a specialist sex therapist could help. It's not saying he's abnormal...it's trying to address an area in your marriage that is an issue. In the same way you'd consider a therapist for other marital issues.

I admire the connection you both have...it's evident from the conversation you had about it. With other areas of your marriage being so good...it's worth exploring.

I think he thought it was normal.

For example on honeymoon we were knackered. Organising a wedding is like a second job and my parents were old school and demanding at the time (passed away now). We purposefully chose a quiet honeymoon because we were so knackered. We were looking forward to a week doing nothing. I think he thought it was about having a rest with a bit of sex. I think he assumed sex would happen and it did in the first day or two but I suspect he thought that after that, what's the problem? We had sex! We're normal! But by the end of the week I started to realise it may not happen a second time and literally had to make the moves.

I remember being rattled. But I buried it in the bank of denial.

I think he thought (like I suspect a lot of low libido people do) that they're the ones who are normal, because sex is only one part of life.

Whereas for us highly sexed people, it's a fundamental part of life.

I think we have both been burying our heads in the sand a lot. Mainly because when we have sex, it works well. We seem to have been talking about it for 16 years and then we have sex (usually after a big talk) and we go on for another while.

I think he has been ignoring his low sex drive because we have actually, through 100% my initiative, managed to maintain some sort of a pleasant sex life for 16 years.

What brought it to a head was him actually shooting down the merest suggestion that we have sex at some point THIS WEEK. It didn't even have to be for several more days!

I just kinda mentally thought "Fuck this, fuck this right off"

I bet on some level he wants to have sex after our talk. Not because of any desire though. To make me feel better, because he is upset that I'm upset. I bet if I initiated tonight, he'd gladly do it. He may even initiate it himself. Or verbally suggest it. He would insist it wasn't a pity shag, and actually it would be out of love. Love for me, and also maybe to make himself feel normal.

But I'm absolutely done with it.

Would he be happy for you to have sex with another partner?
I think it's worth asking as sex is so important to you.
It's really important to me too, I would love to have more but I'm in a LDR.
I feel like my sex drive has increased the older and more confident I am.

Op can I ask gently, what’s making you so sure he’s not gay?

This isn’t the idea doesn’t occur to him, this is he actively doesn’t want to, unless enough time has passed and he does his duty. Albeit apparantly well in your view.

No.

But then I wouldn't be interested. Tbh I don't think I'd find anyone I was that interested in. We live rurally and it'd be some farmer in his early 50s! Who might not even be as well endowed or make any effort at all!

And where would it even be? In the back seat of his Toyota beside a field??

Ugh. Don't fancy it at all tbh.

Is he religious? Raised in a religious family? Why do you think he isn't gay? Had you had a sex life pre marriage?