Just told DH we don't have to have sex anymore. For his sake.

[Xmasdaymam]

We just had a big weepy chat by the kitchen sink whilst the kids were playing with their new toys.

We'd been a bit quiet for the past couple of days since I lightly asked if we could have sex sometime this week (it's been 2 months) and he went "Welllllll...." and I was like "wow, shot down!" and he tried to explain but I said "no need, let's just enjoy our night". And we did have a nice night but he was very quiet and preoccupied. There was no need to explain because I knew it was just that he didn't want to.

Because it has been 16 years of me raising the subject every couple of months. And yes we do usually have sex every couple of months. And we both enjoy it SOOO much. And say "we must do that more often". But then it disappears in him for another couple of months and tbh if I had no sex drive we would be completely sexless and he would be fine.

So this morning he asked if I was cross with him and I said I was more cross with myself because I should have said nothing. Because I KNEW. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different answer. And I was sorry for raising it at all, and I needed to accept him the way he was.

And then he got very upset and was like what kind of man am I? I'm supposed to do this. He said "it's never been in me. Not even when I was 19. The other lads would be mad for it and I couldn't understand it because I never needed it at all". And there were tears and us both apologising to each other, him for being the way he is and me for being the way I am.

I told him we could just be pals. Because we are such great pals. He said he didn't want that, that we could find a compromise but I pointed out that the past 16 years have been a compromise and I don't want pity shags every 6 months to keep me happy. I have a vibrator, I will keep my mouth shut and manage. He hates the thought of me unhappy. But I told him I have to learn to be happy with a different kind of relationship and I will keep my needs behind closed doors with my vibrator.

So then I went to have a shower but I am just in the bedroom crying. I wish I was different. I should be different. There are so many women on here who are happy if they never have sex again. I know I can't chop off my groin. But sometimes I wish I could and we would be content, we would be pals forever.

He has never masterbated, he has zero interest in porn. He's definitely not gay. He's just possibly asexual, or at least on that spectrum. I remember when we first moved in together getting a shock that we weren't all over each other now that we had our own place.

We only had sex twice on honeymoon and tbh I initiated both times and the second time was only because he sensed I was getting upset.

I am devastated. I am only 45. I am such a sexual person. I always have been. I want to be wanted so bad. I want to be fancied. But I have realised that if I was a man coming on here and he was the woman, I would get my arse handed to me for not accepting her the way she is.

Please guide me in how to have a sexless relationship that is still close and sweet. Because we love each other so much and I don't want to feel myself pulling away from all affection. But I fear I will do it unconsciously and it will actually affect our marriage going forward.

I had a sexless marriage that I thought I could cope with, but all that understanding gives way to resentment in my experience.

Without that intimacy it was so much harder to move on from issues that arose until one day the gap between us was so big I would recoil from any touch or close contact. Slept in a bed together for five years without any physical contact. Began to think I was okay with it actually and talked myself into not wanting sex. For me it was a waste of many years and now I’m with someone who i can finally be myself with. My ex is a good man. We were so close, he made me laugh like no one else and he supported every decision I ever made about my life. But my new partner, well I don’t draw comparisons really but I am happy now in a way I never have been.

You might find a way to be together without leaving or having a FWB, my only point is that even with the best will in the world this can be something you can’t live without. You don’t have to, if you can’t.

God op youve been desperately crying out for intimacy for 16 years and he has done nothing to address his lack of sex drive because it doesn't bother him. And he has done such a number on you, you feel terrible for bring it up! Honest to god.

And this i wanted to address: I have realised that if I was a man coming on here and he was the woman, I would get my arse handed to me for not accepting her the way she is.
This isnt the case. If a man came on here and said his wife has no sex drive after giving birth and he wants intimacy, (which happens alarmingly frequently) he would have his ass handed to him. If he said his wife wasnt interested in intimacy for 16 years, he would be told this is a friendship and be advised to leave.

Why is the compromise in your marriage that he does what he wants and you deal with it? How is that compromise? Surely the compromise should be he sees his doctor to discuss his lack of sex drive? Thats an actual compromise.

yes there's a lot to weigh up. My x was properly intentionally abusive. This is different. They have a connection. Maybe he would agree to move to a house with a spare bedroom? I honestly think that there's nothing that makes you feel more worthless than lying next to a man who doesn't want you night after night after night. But the distance of having your own bed, own bedroom, having asked for that solution and that solution having been talked through, agreed to, executed.... That could work in the OP's circumstances. Normally I'm the first to say ''leave''! But I actually do read the thread and can take the situation on its own individual basis.

Look. He may be asexual and that’s absolutely fine. You can be friends and perhaps in time you can revisit the notion of finding sex outside the relationship with his knowledge and acceptance.

If he doesn't want to split up either, then moving to a house with a spare bedroom could be something you try for a couple of years before reassessing again.

It's OK. He sounds like a lovely guy and if he is open to discussion then you can work out something that works for your marriage and you. If he wasn't open or didn't love you then this would be more of a problem. I am certain that he can learn other ways and maybe learn to add certain things to a weekly routine until it becomes normal

I think you seem extraordinarily naive for 45. You already masturbate and it isn't enough. What were you hoping for someone to suggest, female castration? Even if your husband isn't sexual he could still be getting involved in your sex life. Has he ever even touched you intimately out of want? Even once?

Sixteen fucking years of begging for scraps of sex and your husband is wonderful? I beg to differ.

Kind of uncomfortable that op is continuing to have sex with him despite knowing he doesn't want to, and the advice above suggesting try and get him to do other stuff he doesn't want to. Poor man.

I don’t know if you will come back to look at the post, but here are my suggestions.

1. You obviously love each other very much so that’s a good foundation to start from.
2. He needs to have some more investigations about why his sex drive is so low. It could be hormones, it could be hang ups about sex. It could be something else.
3. Would you consider Councelling together? Marriage is a compromise and it’s totally normal and ok to want to have sex and devastating when it isn’t such a high priority for the other person.

There’s also an element for some people of use it or lose it. As you say it’s great when you do so consider making an agreement together about when and where. And stick to it. The traditional marriage vows included 'with my body I thee honor you' and that includes sex. I hope you can find a happy way forward that is a compromise for both of you. I know and understand the pain you are going through. But it’s important for both of you to find a compromise and frankly unless he is impotent (which you don’t mention) or there is a porn issue (which you don’t seem to think there is) then some form of compromise is a way forward. It’s also likely that he still finds you attractive- he just needs to channel this in a way that will make you happy - if that is sex then that’s ok too.

@missbipolar

Just leave and be happy. Don't stay. With holding affection is also a form of abuse...

What??? So having a low sex drive and not wanting to have sex with your partner is a form of abuse? I’ve heard it all now!

I too would find a way to stay with my husband if this were us ,sex is very important in my marriage ,but i think there are more important things .
I hope you find a way round this .

A relative has a sexless marriage. Her husband told her he didn't want to have sex anymore after some years of marriage. She adores him and they are still together decades later. They are affectionate with one another. Many years ago, she embarked on an affair with a married man. This went on for years and seemed to give her what she needed. However, his wife found out and was understandably devastated.

A friend of mine is married to a seemingly-asexual man. They just don't have sex anymore. They have decided to stay together to raise their child. Meanwhile, she has a lover that she adores and sees regularly. Her husband knows and is accepting of it.

So this kind of thing is not uncommon. In my relative's case, she seems quite happy to stay in the sexless marriage as there at least affection and mutual respect. In my friend's case, both she and her husband are miserable.

As for me, I stopped fancying my now-ex DH. We were housemates who co-parented in the end. We are now amicably divorced and I hope to find some physical chemistry with someone one day. Even if I don't, I'm happier alone.

Wtaf? Yeah. Right. So taking sex off the table is normal and okay for anyone to do? . This man has known since before marriage that he is not interested in sex. If he was interested in keeping a marriage alive and happy then there are ways to participate other than piv, he's not interested. And the OP is just supposed to tolerate it because he doesn't want to? Fuck that. This is a marriage. Sex and sexual discussions are part of this relationship, anyone who is asexual should look for asexual partners.

Could he meet your sexual needs in other ways that do not involve him having to perform with full penetrative sex?

Clearly you love this man and recognise his good qualities - and you have children together for whom you are creating a happy family, so leaving is not an option.

I am sorry you have this incompatibility - I know how hard it can be, as I was married to a sex pest in his latter years when a brain disease wrecked his personality, and this was very hard indeed. Perhaps you would like to send me your OH!!

I hope that you will enjoy your Christmas Day and can find a way forward for you both.

If you don't want to leave or sleep with someone else, but just want to be able to live within a sexless marriage, then try the pill - many women find it completely kills their libido.

Nobody should be made to have sex out of obligation, it should be free will.
And why is it always suggested that a man with low or no sex drive should march off to the doctors to be 'checked' - some people simply aren't bothered about sex and that is perfectly ok. We are all different.
Women in the same position aren't told to 'go and get checked out' like it's more acceptable for women to have no interest in sex. The imbalance in people's views is quite astounding.

@Xmasdaymam

I hear your issue. I am sure he is nervous.
Worried he will ruin things. It’s a mental thing.

If you are happy that’s fab but cuddles etc can led places.

@Jennifer2r

Kind of uncomfortable that op is continuing to have sex with him despite knowing he doesn't want to, and the advice above suggesting try and get him to do other stuff he doesn't want to. Poor man.

This isn’t fair either. OP said he enjoys it. If you want to be harsh. He is depriving OP so really he should leave OP. Or do you feel it’s correct that he can not pleasure his wife? He’s happy to stay because he is having HIS WAY!!

This sounds really tough. Have you considered therapy/counselling together? It might be that an outsider could bring a different perspective and maybe help to bridge the divide a bit. It's obvious you love each other and get a lot from your partnership in other ways, but sex is very much the heart of most couple relationships, even if it fades away a bit - because it's not just about sex, but about the intimacy and closeness it brings. Maybe it's not a case of just having to accept it as it is, maybe there's a way for you both to be happier. I hope so, OP. Happy xmas

@Sally65998998

Wtaf? Yeah. Right. So taking sex off the table is normal and okay for anyone to do? . This man has known since before marriage that he is not interested in sex. If he was interested in keeping a marriage alive and happy then there are ways to participate other than piv, he's not interested. And the OP is just supposed to tolerate it because he doesn't want to? Fuck that. This is a marriage. Sex and sexual discussions are part of this relationship, anyone who is asexual should look for asexual partners.

This with Christmas bells on

@Daisyhoney

Nobody should be made to have sex out of obligation, it should be free will. And why is it always suggested that a man with low or no sex drive should march off to the doctors to be 'checked' - some people simply aren't bothered about sex and that is perfectly ok. We are all different. Women in the same position aren't told to 'go and get checked out' like it's more acceptable for women to have no interest in sex. The imbalance in people's views is quite astounding.

It’s been 16 years. I think going to the doctors a long time ago should have happened. It’s not normal don’t pretend it is. OPs husband is the problem and he should at least make some effort if he wants to save his family. Unless you expect OP to continue to neglect her sexual needs for the sake of her husbands emotions?

People aren't trying to be cruel, OP. But a fundamental part of a majority of romantic relationships (and something you clearly want very much) is no longer on the table in your relationship - people leave marriages for less. You would be absolutely reasonable to say that you want a relationship where sex is part of it, and leave one where's it not.

However. Your choice if you want to stay - there are also people who have celibate relationships, it's not unheard of. But you need to decide if you're happy never experiencing sexual desire and intimacy on that level again, if you're okay with your sex life being just masturbating. If you are, great. If you're not, and you think it'll lead to resentment or regret in 10 years when you feel you've missed something, you need to think hard.

Would your OH be amenable to an open marriage? A couple I know in a similar circumstance to you have an open marriage and it works well for them because the love and trust is still there between them - it's just fulfilling a need.

Again though - I want sex as part of love and trust and a long term relationship. I want sex with my partner, not as a means to an end. You might not be without orgasms, but you will be giving that up. That's the issue here - and only you know if you're okay with that.

OP, I am so sorry you feel this way. It seems you love your DH. Sex is really not everything. I think the wisest ever thing I've heard from someone married for 40+ years is not to expect another person to be perfect/to satisfy all your needs. Ultimately we partner together for it to be easier to survive. We need support and you got it, it seems your bloke is plenty supportive.
I think it's unrealistic to expect the new relationship energy in a long-term marriage (in your DH case he's not that into sex anyway), but I also think it's unrealistic for you to deny your needs. I think with time you can find a compromise somehow.

Its difficult as you clearly are miss matched sex drive wise. However if it were me and I really wanted to stay together I couldnt just accept him saying this is what it is. He needs to understand how important it is to you and if he wants to stay together needs to find a way of working through it. You say he enjoys sex when you do have it so maybe he needs to commit to more sex even if he doesn't feel like it. I know scheduled sex isn't romantic but if you both enjoy it it shouldn't leave you feeling like a pity stag. How is he otherwise with affection? Maybe thats also an area to work on hugs, kisses etc as they are just as important imo.

@Xmasdaymam

Leave?

Leave the best man I've ever met? He's an absolute star. He's the most supportive man on earth. No way.

Just to go fuck some other guy? Really?

My DH had a very low sex drive. I thought it was me he didn't fancy... but he has been married three times, and his third wife actually phoned and we got around to talking about his sex drive...and how low it is.

Maybe once a year if that.

At the beginning it was ok, but dwindled fast.

I know the unbearable frustration of it.

Re Gayness... I would have suspicions.
I have gay friends {Male} who know many married with children men who are not really attracted to women sexually.

They have sex with men, and return to sexless marriage with the women they really get on with.

Commoner than you might think.

The fact he has 'always' had a low sex drive with women makes me wonder if he might be gay.

Some men, even in this day and age, get married to women denying their Gay {Bisexual?} nature.