Just told DH we don't have to have sex anymore. For his sake.

[Xmasdaymam]

We just had a big weepy chat by the kitchen sink whilst the kids were playing with their new toys.

We'd been a bit quiet for the past couple of days since I lightly asked if we could have sex sometime this week (it's been 2 months) and he went "Welllllll...." and I was like "wow, shot down!" and he tried to explain but I said "no need, let's just enjoy our night". And we did have a nice night but he was very quiet and preoccupied. There was no need to explain because I knew it was just that he didn't want to.

Because it has been 16 years of me raising the subject every couple of months. And yes we do usually have sex every couple of months. And we both enjoy it SOOO much. And say "we must do that more often". But then it disappears in him for another couple of months and tbh if I had no sex drive we would be completely sexless and he would be fine.

So this morning he asked if I was cross with him and I said I was more cross with myself because I should have said nothing. Because I KNEW. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different answer. And I was sorry for raising it at all, and I needed to accept him the way he was.

And then he got very upset and was like what kind of man am I? I'm supposed to do this. He said "it's never been in me. Not even when I was 19. The other lads would be mad for it and I couldn't understand it because I never needed it at all". And there were tears and us both apologising to each other, him for being the way he is and me for being the way I am.

I told him we could just be pals. Because we are such great pals. He said he didn't want that, that we could find a compromise but I pointed out that the past 16 years have been a compromise and I don't want pity shags every 6 months to keep me happy. I have a vibrator, I will keep my mouth shut and manage. He hates the thought of me unhappy. But I told him I have to learn to be happy with a different kind of relationship and I will keep my needs behind closed doors with my vibrator.

So then I went to have a shower but I am just in the bedroom crying. I wish I was different. I should be different. There are so many women on here who are happy if they never have sex again. I know I can't chop off my groin. But sometimes I wish I could and we would be content, we would be pals forever.

He has never masterbated, he has zero interest in porn. He's definitely not gay. He's just possibly asexual, or at least on that spectrum. I remember when we first moved in together getting a shock that we weren't all over each other now that we had our own place.

We only had sex twice on honeymoon and tbh I initiated both times and the second time was only because he sensed I was getting upset.

I am devastated. I am only 45. I am such a sexual person. I always have been. I want to be wanted so bad. I want to be fancied. But I have realised that if I was a man coming on here and he was the woman, I would get my arse handed to me for not accepting her the way she is.

Please guide me in how to have a sexless relationship that is still close and sweet. Because we love each other so much and I don't want to feel myself pulling away from all affection. But I fear I will do it unconsciously and it will actually affect our marriage going forward.

That sounds very difficult @Xmasdaymam. However, if it is something you can come to terms with, then everything will be OK I'm sure.

Luckily in my relationship we're OK with going along and helping out other as needed, whenever one is not really in to it. My DH sometimes jokes that he felt like he's putting out the bins, cutting the grass, etc :) It works for us. Of course, it's MUCH better when we're both into it and have some time, but this is just not always the case.

When reading the early posts I'd certainly assumed gay. However. only he can answer that. Does he give you oral? Does he ask for anal? I know from one of my BFs that answers to these might give you some insight. They stayed married for several years afterwards until the kids started college.

Good luck OP, I hope you can both be happy.

I am NEVER interested in initiating, never have been. The idea is appealing and I love it when it happens but poor DH always had to initiate so I made the effort to respond positively unless I really wasn't in the mood.

It did bother him but the times when I tried to initiate I was faking it and it didn't work so we accepted initiating was his role.

Only option seems to be a open relationship both of you consent too but don’t speak about, so you keep it under wraps and secret from him but he knows you do it, if that makes sense?

@chaosisaladder

Also - can he be considered asexual if when you do have sex, he enjoys himself? I think that is something key to explore because it is at the basis of our human nature - we like to do things again and again that give us pleasure

You can definitely be considered asexual in these circumstances. It sounds like this is exactly what he is.

I'm not sure seeing a psychologist would achieve much, some people just are asexual and that's it, it's not a mental disorder.

The only asexuals I know who have stayed married to partners with a "normal" sex drive are those who have negotiated an open arrangement - either on a fully honest agreement, or "don't ask don't tell" basis.

Opening a marriage isn't easy when our society assumes that monogamy is the ideal. However, it's surely better than both being unhappy around the sexual aspect of the marriage, or breaking up an otherwise happy family.

A close friend opened her marriage about 10 years ago after her DH made it clear that his already minimal libido was now down to nothing. It took adjustment on both sides and working out the "rules" together, but they are still married, and much happier. My friend no longer feels undesirable and frustrated, and her DH no longer feels under pressure to fake sexual desire or worry about not being "a real man".

Good luck op. You do both have options. It doesn't have to be a case of "put up or fuck off".

I think you would both benefit from sexual therapy.

We've tried schedules.

He always bridled a bit at the idea, he goes on the defensive. But we have tried it.

They fall by the wayside. And you do feel like a total creep holding them to it.

No anal, never. Neither of us are into that.

No oral since the early days. Even then it was obvious he hated it. I'm not forcing anyone's head down. That's grim. Fuck maybe he is gay, lol. Some of you will definitely have an Ah Ha! moment. Hey ho.

Women don't like giving oral sex and nobody says they're lesbians.

He is really good with foreplay though in other ways and always looks at me. I have literally taken his hand and taught him every damn thing I like. I have had to be very proactive. And I have turned him into a damn good lover considering the lack of head.

But the more I talk about it here (and thank you for that) the less inclined I am to make any more effort from now on.

It's all been my effort really, all along.

I am sorry OP.

I just think that if he is as wonderful as he sounds that there is the chance for you both to find a way forward, together. If he’s supported your career changes etc etc, this is no different. The only thing I would say (as a PP said) is that perhaps he has supported these things in the past because he doesn’t have to be particularly inconvenienced by them. I would really hate to think that I wasn’t giving my partner something that they were crying out for.

I dont think a woman would be called asexual in the circumstances of carries a lot of the mental load has done a lot for Christmas (and done some lovely present giving etc) and organising and is approached and said when can we have sex this week and goes well.

He just has a lower libido - and OP's is higher. That is fine and actually fairly normal in relationships that one is higher than the other. Initiating often becomes one persons responsibility

The issue here is with how that makes you feel and the rejection and how that works.

Yes but it's not just about Christmas is it, he's always been like it

I understand completely. My husband was just the same. I had to make the same decision when my children were small. I told my husband what the problem was and like yours he offered to have sex. Unfortunately like you I felt I couldn't do it when it was just to make me happy. I made the decision to stay for my children and because life would have been so difficult if I left. I made the decision to sacrifice my sex life for the happiness of three other people but with it I also made the decision not to keep raising the subject and living with my decision. I have done that for the last 22 years. Yes, sometimes I feel I gave up a large part of myself for everyone else. Yes, occasionally I feel resentful and cross that this happened to me. But the long and the short of it is that it was my choice. I have a lovely home, two lovely well adjusted children and am best friends with my husband. Would I make the same choice again - I don't know. But I did and I live with it.

Yes and so he has a low libido - it doesnt make him asexual. And he certainly would not be called that or gay if he were a women.

The attitude is different because of the differnence in genders to the norm - one PP said they would hate to think they were giving their partner something they wanted.

Pity sex for either gender is pretty much the beginning of the end. Proper communication and therapy/counselling for both is what is needed here and an acceptance on both sides (and for themselves as individuals) that they are both perfectly normal they just need to figure out the best way to fit that together. Without one giving in to pity sex and the other squishing down their needs and desires. And that isnt an easy path without completely honest with each other and more importantly themselves

I tho k that's more than a low libido.

Your posts are making me so sad OP. I have been in a relationship with a man who didn't want sex and it was soul destroying. I can't imagine how you do that for 16 years. I suspect he's a brilliant husband in every other way to compensate for the fact that he knows he's letting you down so badly.

After all intimacy is what distinguishes a relationship from a friendship.

I don't have any suggestions other than you going to therapy together and seeing if you can find a way through this.

So what's the point of this thread?
You've admitted you're unhappy, you say you feel rejected and you then lash out at anyone who puts forward sensible suggestions.

Either put up and shut up or do something about it. Get a lover. It's not difficult in this day and age. There are hundreds of websites where you can find someone for sex.

Or suck it up and accept you'll have a sexless marriage for the rest of time.

Sorry to be harsh but you have a choice. You only live once.

I don't think a fuck buddy is the answer for many people. I understand, OP, you want that loving sexual relationship with your husband. Not some random man.

If he will do the testosterone check it could be worthwhile. Or perhaps the two of you could try some sexual counselling of some kind and see if you can increase the physical touch without forcing anything sexual unless both want it.

Sorry you're dealing with this. I've had this problem before and felt so lost.

Leave him and get the good dick you deserve

This was my life. What helped was separate bedrooms. Not angry separatists but just so much easier psychologically to make your bedroom yours, no raised hopes at bedtime, freedom to pleasure yourself in privacy, better sleep. Visit one another for cuddles.

The menopause helped the most. But I had an increased sex drive for about 3 years before periods finally stopped - so watch out for that.

What's also helped was living apart, tbh. After 20 years I left. Our DC were 19 (twins). DP is the nicest person I know, I love him and vice versa, we are there 100%.

It is very very hard to remain loving and intimate, without sex, but it can be done. Good luck.

DappledOliveGroves the initial point of this thread was to ask how to navigate a new phase in my life where sex would be over.

I have had some lovely responses from people who are in those relationships and are making them work. I appreciate evert single one and they have helped.

I am 100% not leaving him. I am 100% taking sex off the table. I am 100% going to access counselling whenever the hell we can do it face to face again and the waiting lists are less. It can wait a while.

I am 100% not going to suggest he comes with me. He's an adult. He has never been to counselling himself but is fully supportive of it in other people so frankly it's not up to me to drag him along. He's fully aware of its benefits and its up to him. I am done being the only one fighting for a sex life.

He quite possibly could be sex-favourable asexual or sex-positive asexual or even just your common or garden low drive person. But I'm not making it my issue to solve anymore. I'm not having any more tortuous conversations. I'm not going back into denial. This is who he is. If he wants to investigate it, then it's up to him.

I fully realise that I may end up living a sexless life but it is my choice to stay. And at a certain point you just have to weigh all the possible endings and make a Choice.

Thank you all for letting me talk this out.

Xxxx

This is very sad op, but it’s up to uou if it’s enough for you.

So he doesn’t like close proximity to female genitalia and never really had a desire to have sex with a woman. And yes if it was reversed the question would be if the woman was gay, I don’t know why you keep saying it wouldn’t be.

The simplest answer is he’s gay. I’m sorry. It’s not asexual, as asexual is he has no sexual desire for any contact, but you’re saying that’s not true, he is physically attracted to nigella for example.

It doesn’t matter though what he is, it’s not going to change anything for you.

I can see how it would affect your confidence and cause you to be upset.

It sounds like your DH has always been this way, so that is good in the sense of not a sudden change in behaviour, as that could indicate all sorts of possibilities.

It depends if you think you can carry on this way. Would DH agree to attend counselling with a therapist to try to resolve this issue? He sounds a lovely man in other ways and cares for you deeply from how you describe your relationship, but you are young OP, is that enough?

I truly hope that a compromise can be found and you can both be happy, good luck.

I find it fascinating OP that you describe yourself as “high sexed” as if you were the problem not him.

Honestly, if you were a tiny bit high sexed you wouldn’t have put with 16 years of this rubbish, you would not have married him at all. All those short lived relationships before you, have you thought they may have not lasted because they realised he couldn’t feel attraction in the way most people do?

I’m sorry OP, you are not high sexed but massively naive, stop selling yourself the story that it is you who is as fault or that he has too much on his mind. He can be a fantastic father and an affectionate (non sexual) partner if he was gay or asexual, so that doesn’t make him non gay.

But as you say, it is all about choices, you don’t need to go out and find a new sexual partner you can choose to live with a good friend which is what you are doing but... if living with that good friend makes you feel unloved and frustrated, be prepared to accept this is not working for you and perhaps, you can continue to be friends and parent your kids separately while allowing each other the chance to be happier on your own or with other people.

Op it’s Ok to take it off the table now, fine.

But realistically it might not ever be a part of yourself you can shut off or compromise over as you have done or tried to do for years.

I’ve compromised too many times with my own sexual needs and I’m tired of it. Right. Ow I too have a vibe but it’s absolutely nothing like the comfort and connection with another human you’re in love with and it’s not something I could ever consider willingly giving up for good, a short time maybe but until I die? Or he dies? Or illness shuts my drive down? Because that’s what you’re planning. It’s difficult to shut off a part of yourself like that for yourself let alone for someone else no matter how you love them.

I hope you can find a more realistic compromise to your relationship or come to an understanding or a new beginning.

I feel for you and the difficult situation you’re in but the ‘Never Evers’ may become ‘may have to’ for yourself and your own well-being.

I think this could work OP. But can I suggest that you continue to see yourselves as a couple, not friends. Because you sound like a fabulous couple with a huge amount of love and affection. I accept you have a huge loss to accept, but I wonder if it could actually be quite fun to think about a process of developing a love life with yourself?
The only teeny wonder I have is whether it is actually accurate to say that he doesn't like sex or want a sex life because he does enjoy it when he does it. (And it might be interesting to see if a Zinc supplement boosts libido but I know you don't want to pursue this kind of thing).

Can you try a sex therapist? You both attend.

initial point of this thread was to ask how to navigate a new phase in my life where sex would be over

It is a huge sacrifice to make for someone who is sexual as you say you are. It is very common in marriages where one partner is not interested in sex for the other partner to find a lover. I heard a marriage counsellor say she openly suggests this for some couples and it works for some of them. If your partner is not sexually interested may he be happy with this? I know you live rurally, but many married people are willing to travel to meet Affair partners.

Because its not just sex, is it? You can orgasm by yourself, but sex is more than that, its the connection, the intimacy with another human being.

There are many married people dating sites, or sites where you can meet single people.

You don't need to let go of that side of yourself, and i would have thought its a burden for your partner to know you are making that sacrifice.