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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He ignored my "merry Christmas text"

198 replies

sunflowerbloom · 25/12/2020 10:03

I'm not going to lie I feel really sad today.
My mum died in September and it's obviously my first Xmas without her.
I was seeing a guy(who wasn't treating me well) always twisted things to make me the one in the wrong etc but I loved him.
Anyway it ended but we started speaking again (just normal chat )
He was texting me and start conversations again,he made out he was doing me a huge favour talking to me.
Anyway last night (it was my birthday too) I messaged him "merry Christmas,have a great day,hope Santa is good to you"
He read it and didn't reply.
He's been on social media since.
I mean ..he couldn't even string a merry Christmas reply back.
Even tho we've made up recently and been speaking.
He knew it was my birthday too,he knew I was alone without my mum.
Isn't that cruel ?
I feel so sad today (please don't send nasty replies to this thread ,I don't want to feel more sad )

OP posts:
Littleyell · 26/12/2020 16:42

Chin up OP. I’ve not listened to my friends many of times... it’s life.

People are too harsh sometimes.

wishywashywoowoo70 · 26/12/2020 17:46

I don't want to sound harsh but please stop doing this to yourself. He isn't into you at all. He doesn't give two shits about you or your feelings. Stop overthinking it just accept he isn't the one for you. I have presumed you are either very young or vulnerable and I apologise if it's neither. Men like this are everywhere and you'll meet loads before you meet the one. Never think you're not good enough. Never try and keep a man. If he isn't treating you like a Queen he isn't worth having

MaryLeeOnHigh · 26/12/2020 17:49

@sunflowerbloom

I wish he never told me he was seeing someone He knew it would hurt me
For what it's worth, that was fiction. Really, you are obsessing about this and playing into his hands by allowing childish little power-plays like this to get to you. Just forget about him and live the life you deserve.
MaryLeeOnHigh · 26/12/2020 17:52

I would love to know why I wasn't good enough

Why would you want to be "good enough" for this plonker? To be good enough in his eyes, you would have to be prepared to lose every ounce of self-respect, be prepared to come running whenever he raised his little finger, prepared to keep apologising for things you haven't done, prepared to put up with endless rudeness and lack of consideration, prepared to know that you are being laughed at and ridiculed yet still come back for more. Trust me, if you were that person you would start despising yourself extremely quickly.

Original poster
sunflowerbloom · 26/12/2020 17:55

I'm going to get my hair done next week,go shopping and get a few nice outfits (no lockdown permitting ) and just try and make myself feel good.
I am vulnerable I know I am,I feel mentally weak.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunflowerbloom · 26/12/2020 17:56

@MaryLeeOnHigh well he is a proven liar so maybe it's not true.
I've deleted and blocked so at least il never know

OP posts:
Weirdlynormal · 26/12/2020 18:09

I would love to know why I wasn't good enough but if you don’t want him, don’t even entertain those thoughts.

Original poster
sunflowerbloom · 26/12/2020 18:45

My friend is very wise and told me he was toxic and He would never make my life happy.
I think she's right.

OP posts:
ChippyPickledEggs · 26/12/2020 19:11

I would love to know why I wasn't good enough.

Men like this are ten a penny. It isn't you. He's not going to suddenly have a successful, loving relationship with a woman he treats with unfailing care and respect.

He is a man who creates and responds to these relationship dynamics in which he gets to feel contemptuous and superior and in control, because that is what is familiar to him and confirms his world/relationship view. You are a woman who creates and responds to these relationship dynamics in which you feel inferior, weak, and unworthy, because that is what is familiar to you and confirms your world/relationship view. It's a dance you both will have been practicising for a while. It's just time to learn some new steps. Easier said than done, I know.

All the posters that come at these threads with, "Get some self respect," "Ugh you're teaching men how to treat you," "Your fault, your fault, your fault, if only you had some self esteem" (to paraphrase) are further sticking the knife in. Can't you see how much you are not helping??? All you are doing is making the OP feel even worse about herself and thus further entrenching self destructive patterns of behaviour. If men treat women like shit, they are responsible for it. If this man is cruel and emotionally abusive, that is on him.

Djouce · 26/12/2020 19:20

@sunflowerbloom

My friend is very wise and told me he was toxic and He would never make my life happy. I think she's right.
OP, in fairness, it doesn’t require any particular wisdom to see this! The few things you’ve said on here make the situation crystal clear.

Forget him, and figure out why you claim to love someone despite the fact that he treated you badly throughout your (presumably fairly short?) relationship.

Heartofgoldmumof2 · 26/12/2020 19:22

Sorry OP do lot waste any more thought and energy on him.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mum.
Happy birthday for Christmas Eve.
I hope you did manage to enjoy your Christmas Day.
Virtual hug Flowers

Whenwillow · 26/12/2020 19:22

Good post @ChippyPickledEggs

Djouce · 26/12/2020 19:25

@ChippyPickledEggs

I would love to know why I wasn't good enough.

Men like this are ten a penny. It isn't you. He's not going to suddenly have a successful, loving relationship with a woman he treats with unfailing care and respect.

He is a man who creates and responds to these relationship dynamics in which he gets to feel contemptuous and superior and in control, because that is what is familiar to him and confirms his world/relationship view. You are a woman who creates and responds to these relationship dynamics in which you feel inferior, weak, and unworthy, because that is what is familiar to you and confirms your world/relationship view. It's a dance you both will have been practicising for a while. It's just time to learn some new steps. Easier said than done, I know.

All the posters that come at these threads with, "Get some self respect," "Ugh you're teaching men how to treat you," "Your fault, your fault, your fault, if only you had some self esteem" (to paraphrase) are further sticking the knife in. Can't you see how much you are not helping??? All you are doing is making the OP feel even worse about herself and thus further entrenching self destructive patterns of behaviour. If men treat women like shit, they are responsible for it. If this man is cruel and emotionally abusive, that is on him.

I don’t agree at all. You are encouraging the OP to view herself as a blameless, passive victim of male cruelty, rather than recognise that she has formed certain destructive mental patterns over which she and no one else ultimately has control.
SandyY2K · 26/12/2020 19:26

My friend is very wise and told me he was toxic and He would never make my life happy.

I think when you're up to it, you need to have a think about why you didn't see the red flags when she did.

Perhaps your self esteem is so low that you didn't think you deserved better. I think you knew he wasn't treating you right, but for some reason you couldn't pull the plug. Bith men and women can see vulnerability in others and play on it.

@Regularsizedrudy

At this point you are doing this to yourself.

I agree with you.

You shouldn't give anyone else the power to hurt you by going back again and again. His actions showed he wasn't interested...after that it's more of a self inflicted injury and whilst you're hurting....don't put yourself in the victim seat.

Something to remember going forwards....
The person who cares the least in a relationship holds the most power

Original poster
sunflowerbloom · 26/12/2020 19:26

I should have walked at first red flag.
Not have more of his shit behaviour then put up with it and then played the victim.
It was my choice (stupid choice ) to go back for more.
So I have nobody to blame but myself

OP posts:
Dozer · 26/12/2020 19:37

You can change things now though!

52andblue · 26/12/2020 21:25

@ChippyPickledEggs

I would love to know why I wasn't good enough.

Men like this are ten a penny. It isn't you. He's not going to suddenly have a successful, loving relationship with a woman he treats with unfailing care and respect.

He is a man who creates and responds to these relationship dynamics in which he gets to feel contemptuous and superior and in control, because that is what is familiar to him and confirms his world/relationship view. You are a woman who creates and responds to these relationship dynamics in which you feel inferior, weak, and unworthy, because that is what is familiar to you and confirms your world/relationship view. It's a dance you both will have been practicising for a while. It's just time to learn some new steps. Easier said than done, I know.

All the posters that come at these threads with, "Get some self respect," "Ugh you're teaching men how to treat you," "Your fault, your fault, your fault, if only you had some self esteem" (to paraphrase) are further sticking the knife in. Can't you see how much you are not helping??? All you are doing is making the OP feel even worse about herself and thus further entrenching self destructive patterns of behaviour. If men treat women like shit, they are responsible for it. If this man is cruel and emotionally abusive, that is on him.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU @ChippyPickledEggs

I have been in 'a relationship' with a man, on and off, for 30 years.
His 'world view' is not respectful of any woman. My 'world view' is that I am not worthy of respect by a man (lots of reasons why for us)

I am having a difficult time on a number of fronts. He knows this.
I have been in tears that he has not even sent me a 'Happy Xmas' text these last two days, after we have been 'back together' for 4 years.
He is who he is. I am who I am. But he is NOT good for me.
I have managed not to text. So far. One day at a time. Each day is a victory. I may slip. But I will get back on the No Contact horse if I do.

OP, you are NOT stupid. You wanted a better relationship than he can offer. That does not make you stupid or weak. It makes you human.
But, the feelings he leaves you with are not good for you. And you are worth SO MUCH MORE. xxx

Original poster
sunflowerbloom · 26/12/2020 21:29

@52andblue he makes me feel like my life isn't worth living tbh,that's not great.
The last year has probably been the worst of my life.
I'm really tired of the sadness he brings now.

OP posts:
52andblue · 26/12/2020 21:47

Yes! REMEMBER that feeling. It is just not worth the 'happy times'
Anything or anyONE who makes you feel that way is frankly dangerous to have in your life if you are feeling low. I am trying to think of him as a toxic substance - would I drink bleach / take unknown street drugs / drink a litre of hard spirits - NO it would make me ill. Same for contact with him. It's not my fault (maybe not his, I don't know, I can't analyse him right now, I need my energy for me).
But it is what it is.

You are doing great. Many very valuable realisations.
Let's help each other along. I nearly phoned him earlier.
But, I didn't. Soon be bedtime. and Tomorrow Is Another Day
(best Scarlett O'Hara voice). xxx

Sandals19 · 26/12/2020 21:50

he makes me feel like my life isn't worth living

Go NC. Cold turkey (no pun intended), only way in situations like these.

The more time passes the more your feelings will fade. For a while you'll feel like you're losing something; you're not.

Reward yourself at intervals of NC.

Full your time, take up new things when possible; get out of the habit of thinking about him.

You'll get there.

Original poster
sunflowerbloom · 26/12/2020 21:54

@52andblue well done for not phoning him (don't mean that to sound patronising )
I think sometimes my imagination plays tricks with me and makes me think of him as this fabulous man when reality is ..
He's a shit

OP posts:
52andblue · 26/12/2020 22:00

Not taken as patronising at all (I need all the 'well done's I can get!)

Who he IS and who we want him to be (poss who he pretended to be in the beginning?) are two different things. Reality is: they are shits, sadly.

ree348 · 26/12/2020 22:12

I am so sorry you have had such a hard year.

You deserve better, use this time to put yourself and your needs first.

Treemama · 26/12/2020 22:31

He's a nasty manipulative prick. Stay away from him and be kind to yourself, you deserve much better. Flowers

Backtoblack1 · 26/12/2020 22:40

Firstly, I’m so sorry about your mum. X

Now please leave this vile man in 2020 and look forward, not back. He sounds very similar to somebody I’ve been involved with and six years later I’ve still allowed myself to be picked up and dropped. I’ve not had a merry Christmas off him either. But I didn’t text him. He brings nothing but hurt and misery to me. Put yourself first x

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