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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

503 replies

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:00

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP posts:
Dullardmullard · 23/12/2020 10:22

Please keep posting

Vent away if you can’t leave just yet as this will be all new as the scales come away

Take your time but don’t beg him just smile and walk away from him or grey rock

wantmorenow · 23/12/2020 10:23

Regarding access to joint accounts. If they are in joint names you go go into a brach and request printouts of statements with appropriate ID.

Friend recently had to do this to see how her STExH was using their money.

InkieNecro · 23/12/2020 10:41

May I make a suggestion? Read this book and look at the first few chapters which debunk myths for causes of abuse. It's not a long read. I think that, like me, you will be horrified that it seems a book has been written about your husband.

You said about arguments having winners and lovers as an excuse for him. No. That is not an excuse, he wants you to think it is so he can not be responsible for his actions.

I know you won't leave him now, it's too close to Christmas most likely.

When he next explodes, remember this book and realise that this is your life unless you change it.

RandomMess · 23/12/2020 10:47

I also recommend you read the book in the link.

"Why does he do that" it will be eye opening for you!

BethlehemIsInTier1 · 23/12/2020 10:49

@ZenNudist

Can you actually have an adult conversation with him? Get him to counselling? He sounds incredibly nasty.

My dad was like this, nasty to my mum and sulks and everything is her fault, although he never offered to divorce, I wish he had!! . He is still nasty. She has become such an apologetic person who can't make a decision for herself. She literally asks me which is hot and which is cold about our taps nowadays. And she says sorry about everything even when its not her fault. It's such a shame.

As a child growing up in a house with rowing parents and dad sulking or holding things against us it was horrid. Mum was nice but we were scared of him.

You need to think about your dd. Even if he's nice to her now, as she grows up and, as people do, has disagreements with him, he's going to do it to her too.

It could affect her confidence and self esteem. And her future relationships.

Think hard about whether you want this for your and dd future.

Sounds like my parents, my dad is a c**t for the way he treat my mum and us. He is still the same now but luckily all of us grew up to put him in his place because my mum won't. Don't be like my mum burying her head in the sand because it's easier than facing up to things.
LouHotel · 23/12/2020 10:52

The flowers and the baileys is because he knows he's pushed his abuse too far this time, he is apologising without apologising and 'correcting' your behaviour at the same time.

He will re group for a couple of weeks and you'll have a lovely christmas. He'll start again in the new year, Narcicissist cant help themselves, dont go away OP you need to stay alert to this.

You need eyes on the financial accounts, if I ready correctly you dont even have access to the joint? You should know the details if your transferring so just download the app and set yourself up he doesn't need to know you can see it. That's step one.

NewlyGranny · 23/12/2020 11:01

He's doing the old push/pull number on you, isn't he? He complains that you're spineless but he's undermined you relentlessly. He's enjoying being the puppetmaster, it seems/

I haven't rtft but if nobody has already suggested you get hold of a copy of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and read it, let me be the first. I bet I'm not the first, though.

zzizz · 23/12/2020 11:06

Yy. You can Google a free pdf copy of that, its a brilliant book.

zzizz · 23/12/2020 11:09

Does this link work?

why does he do that pdf

ElspethFlashman · 23/12/2020 11:21

I work in healthcare and that’s not normal.

Same. That raised eyebrows amongst nursing staff, that's for sure.

Im not saying it never happens of course, but it's usually when someone is actively dying. OR when it's a child/teen.

Otherwise people go home to get some sleep.

ElspethFlashman · 23/12/2020 11:24

Also, a few friends came to sit with him because he was so distraught? In a busy clinical area? In a Covid riddled hospital???

Seriously?

They literally risked their lives to cheer him up! That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard! WTF?!

ArrowsOfMistletoe · 23/12/2020 11:43

soopedup you are not too old. I started divorce proceedings against mine at age 49. He was abusive too (different cause, different method). I turn 53 in February and I am not too old for anything. Except having babies, and that's fine.

TierTired87 · 23/12/2020 11:52

@ElspethFlashman

Also, a few friends came to sit with him because he was so distraught? In a busy clinical area? In a Covid riddled hospital???

Seriously?

They literally risked their lives to cheer him up! That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard! WTF?!

No, they were sat outside. Literally outside. They brought him out a little chair because he wouldn’t go home. DD was home, a friendly neighbour was with her.
OP posts:
iwantmyownicecreamvan · 23/12/2020 11:54

He has agreed that his silent treatment and how he deals with an argument is wrong.

Yet, apparently that’s just how he is and I need to work around it by not making ‘mistakes’....

.....And apologising more quickly.

Words (almost) fail me ... how arrogant and controlling! How do you not laugh your socks off when he comes out with such drivel? Still, I think he's running scared a bit - what with the Baileys and all.

TierTired87 · 23/12/2020 11:59

@InkieNecro

May I make a suggestion? Read this book and look at the first few chapters which debunk myths for causes of abuse. It's not a long read. I think that, like me, you will be horrified that it seems a book has been written about your husband.

You said about arguments having winners and lovers as an excuse for him. No. That is not an excuse, he wants you to think it is so he can not be responsible for his actions.

I know you won't leave him now, it's too close to Christmas most likely.

When he next explodes, remember this book and realise that this is your life unless you change it.

I’ll get a copy on the kindle!
OP posts:
sararh · 23/12/2020 12:04

"They brought him out a little chair because he wouldn’t go home. DD was home, a friendly neighbour was with her."

He should have been parenting his daughter. The fact that he came to hospital and sat outside shows it was all about him. He threw himself a pity party and showed all your friends how good a husband he is.

Narcissists are all about grand, public gestures. The fact he did this and your daughter had to be left in the care of a neighbour says it all.

BuntysTwinkle · 23/12/2020 12:07

I have a meeting booked with the CEO to persuade him bringing my husband onboard for a project isn’t a conflict of interest

Cancel it. You do not need more ties between the two of you.

Yet, apparently that’s just how he is and I need to work around it by not making ‘mistakes’....

.....And apologising more quickly.

I’m not sure how that’s possible as I did it first thing after I woke up. But he doesn’t count that as the apology. He counts the actions throughout the day as the apology, apparently.

So you must be an obedient passive whatever-he-wants-whenever-he-wants automaton in order to stand any chance of keeping this prize. Got it.

Do you think he would want his daughter to end up in that kind of role, suppressing her own personality to live with an inadequate controlling man? Because she will see a lot more than you think she'll see. She'll definitely eventually process that Mummy has to be careful around Daddy and very conciliatory, or Daddy reacts in a negative way.

Whatever you do, please don't be one of those women who come here to vent about how terrible he is just so you can get it all out and then go back for some more.

He's fucking with your mental health to make himself feel like Mr Big Bollocks. That should make you angry. Stop "apologizing with your actions throughout the day" for existing in the same space as him, and start thinking about your future.

madcatladyforever · 23/12/2020 12:16

Leave this stupid fucker, he is pathetic. I'd sooner cut my own tongue out than apologise to a weasel like this.

SpudulikaSlob · 23/12/2020 12:28

@sararh

"They brought him out a little chair because he wouldn’t go home. DD was home, a friendly neighbour was with her."

He should have been parenting his daughter. The fact that he came to hospital and sat outside shows it was all about him. He threw himself a pity party and showed all your friends how good a husband he is.

Narcissists are all about grand, public gestures. The fact he did this and your daughter had to be left in the care of a neighbour says it all.

What an utter bellend. Your daughter needed him but he made a big show of himself.
NettleTea · 23/12/2020 13:12

@sararh

"They brought him out a little chair because he wouldn’t go home. DD was home, a friendly neighbour was with her."

He should have been parenting his daughter. The fact that he came to hospital and sat outside shows it was all about him. He threw himself a pity party and showed all your friends how good a husband he is.

Narcissists are all about grand, public gestures. The fact he did this and your daughter had to be left in the care of a neighbour says it all.

This with bells on. When I gave birth my husband was just the same. He pushed to have me home as soon as possible, then as soon as nobody was watching he fucked off back up to London to see his girlfriend, leaving me and a newborn alone.
billy1966 · 23/12/2020 13:14

Total showman.....I bet the hospital staff had the measure lf his dramatics alright🙄

OP, stop getting him work... you need to detach from this man.

Read the book.

Get a grip on your finances.

The Bailey's is purely because he knows he's just pushed you too far and he needs to pull back.

Your poor daughter is in the midst of a highly abusive, dysfunctional relationship.

Don't sacrifice her future to this awful man.

Flowers
Onthedunes · 23/12/2020 13:18

Lots of good advice, so much reading to get through but you will be better off with that knowledge.

You have been conditioned to believe he is the best thing since sliced bread yet at the same time been slowly losing your identity through abuse, I wouldn't be surprised if you think you are the abuser yourself.

Clever little shit isn't he.

Everthing he does, and I mean everthing, will have a slant on it that is to his benefit. You will start to see that now.

Look at him with different eyes, he is a deciever, he will destroy you eventually and it is then when he will discard you.

It sounds melodramatic but it is the truth, he is not who you think he is.

Onthedunes · 23/12/2020 13:19

I bet he likes Baileys as well !

MyCatHatesEverybody · 23/12/2020 13:25

His behaviour at the hospital is very much the type of situation I was alluding to earlier, where your perception of what's normal and loving will be so skewed that you see selfish, negative behaviour as a positive.

You think he was being kind by dropping everything to sit at the hospital not leaving; in reality the "everything" that he dropped was in fact your daughter, who very likely needed her parent to be with her and strong for her. Instead he made it all about him and his need and emotions.

If he truly cared about you to the extent he portrayed to his mates at the hospital he wouldn't be such a shit to you now. His "love" for you is entirely conditional and based around how you benefit him.

My DH regularly tells me how lucky he is to have me. ExH always told me how lucky I was to have him.

Welshgal85 · 23/12/2020 13:40

He sounds awful! I couldn’t cope with this, does he sounds unbelievably arrogant! Does he really expect you to believe that he is always right and you are always wrong? Can you really put up with this forever? He doesn’t sound like he wants an adult relationship that requires compromise and communication!