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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

503 replies

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:00

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP posts:
ThirdThoughts · 23/12/2020 03:12

The comment about you lacking a backbone and him guiding you through life is patronising and contemptuous of you. He's meant to love you and believe in you and instead he berates you and tries to make you dependent upon him.

How convenient for him that it's just who he is whilst you have to run around improving yourself for him.

Strong back, soft front, wild heart. You can do this.

Lex345 · 23/12/2020 05:40

OP, I get the impression he is reeling you back in, please do not allow this to happen.
You need to draw distinction between his behaviour and yours.

In the heat of an argument (after one hour of being worn down), you mentioned divorce. I imagine ALL of us have said hurtful things in arguments at some point.
What he has done is taken that to justify some pretty abusive behaviour, which is being done ultimately to reset the boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate. Controlling and abusive people often do not "suddenly" show their true colours, it is a gradual thing, slowly escalating, chipping away at your self esteem bit by bit, this reduces your power to recognise how abusive it actually is and your power to leave.

Let's be really clear: his behaviour is NOT that of a respectful, loving partner. Regardless of past deeds (again, not uncommon for abusive partners to go overkill on the nice as leverage for later abuse) this man is abusing you financially and he is abusing you emotionally.

The Baileys/flowers given with almost a set of conditions is actually very, very messed up-reward and punish?

You may have said it is haste OP, but a divorce is absolutely what you need. For you and for your DD. You are only 33 years old; you said your previous relationship was also awful. This is not what loving and respectful marriages look like. Of course people argue, but there is a difference between disagreement and abuse.

Your first step is to walk away from this man. You sound like a lovely, intelligent woman. You can do this and you deserve to do this for you and DD. It will take you time to heal, but you've got this. One day you will look back at this as the day you took your life back.

I would wish you luck-but you don't need it. You are stronger than you know. You can do this.

Nowstrong · 23/12/2020 06:10

You mustn't make mistakes! Well, in that case, he mustn't either. Who decides on the rules though? He does. He probably changes them depending on his mood.
I'm not saying LTB. That is your choice. However, take back some of the control. Sort your finances out. That is important. None of your savings should be hidden. This is YOUR money as well.
Be firmer. You'll get there. Most probably when you do, you will LTB, without any encouragement from us. Take care.

Starlightstarbright1 · 23/12/2020 06:15

Op

Look up the freedom program. You can do it online. It will be enlightening.

Also yes get a copy of keys.

Play him at his own game.

If it’s a joint account you can access information . Contact whoever it is with.

My ex turned up at every hv , consultant appointment till I had to call police on him. He couldn’t act like the loving Dh anymore.

His care at the hospital was a display of him been a loving partner.

It makes no sense to sit outside other than to create a poor me rather than poor dw

Mintyt · 23/12/2020 06:18

Take control of your life and happiness, he is a bully divorce him, start the process now, do you have children if not don't bother with Christmas, get yourself safe leave him

Schehezarade · 23/12/2020 06:33

Does he treat DD like he treats you. Does he give cuddles and attention when she has been 'good' but can blank if he wants to.

VettiyaIruken · 23/12/2020 06:40

So you are supposed to accept his flaws without comment and question yet are supposed to change everything about yourself in order to keep him happy? Tell him it's just how you are!

He's bullying you and trying to scare you into submission.

soopedup · 23/12/2020 06:40

Honestly I’m married to somebody like your OH. I’m now too old to start again. I wish I’d left when I was your age and the red flags started. You know it’s not right which is why you’re posting on here. Ask yourself why did he come home with baileys? Come on. The way he talks to you is not ok. Get out at 33 and not 53

caringcarer · 23/12/2020 06:41

Take back your keys, take back your pride and take back control of your life. Show your dd you will not tolerate being treated like a piece of shit in your own home. Get s spare set of keys made. Phone a solicitor and get an appointment before Xmas. Try to get copies or photos of his bank statements and most importantly get marriage certificate as you will need it for divorce. He sounds like the biggest wanker on the planet. He is an abusive bully. Do not gift him a Xmas present. If he comments tell him it will be in the post very soon, a divorce petition.

Raindancer411 · 23/12/2020 07:00

Like @Dullardmullard has said, read that thread. I have been following her since it started a year ago.

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/12/2020 07:02

I mean my dh loves me but if I was in hospital he’d go home, sitting outside on a chair is a bit “look at me”. I work in healthcare and that’s not normal.

Would he have done it if you lived miles from friends etc to witness it I wonder?.

The whole things bloody chilling that he’s grinding you down like this to the point you won’t be able to do anything for fear of upsetting him.

@TwentyViginti Kick her while she’s down why don’t you? Op didn’t wake up one day and think oh I’ll get financially abused now. It’s a long slow process to get like this.

billybagpuss · 23/12/2020 07:42

This has been an interesting thread op, I hope you’re able to have a relaxing time over the next couple of weeks. I would start setting out your New Years resolutions now. I don’t think you mentioned how old DD is but as she gets older and more independent you may enjoy the challenge of a different job, so maybe start investigating that now. You have time to get yourself in a good strong position.

I think you’ve handled this brilliantly.

NerrSnerr · 23/12/2020 07:48

The whole things bloody chilling that he’s grinding you down like this to the point you won’t be able to do anything for fear of upsetting him.

I agree with this. How old is your daughter? If he isn't already treating her like this it is likely he will as she gets older and whatever happens she is going to grow up thinking that is how relationships work.

I would consider talking to someone like women's aid and a solicitor. This doesn't have to be the rest of your life.

SunshineCake · 23/12/2020 07:54

@TheSilveryPussycat

he even got you a bell????
Calm down. This was so she could call him when she needed help while ill in bed.
Beefcurtains79 · 23/12/2020 07:57

Who was looking after your daughter whilst he dramatically sat outside your hospital door? Wouldn’t he have been better off doing that?

Also, an adult man just got a T Rex skull tattoo on his hand? How deeply embarrassing, I’d divorce him just for that.

Snowy0w1 · 23/12/2020 08:07

@soopedup

Honestly I’m married to somebody like your OH. I’m now too old to start again. I wish I’d left when I was your age and the red flags started. You know it’s not right which is why you’re posting on here. Ask yourself why did he come home with baileys? Come on. The way he talks to you is not ok. Get out at 33 and not 53
You are not too old. If you think about all the thingd you can enjoy in life, a lot of them are simple things. Exercise or yoga, drawing or painting, cooking, going out walking, listening to podcadts, reading/audibles, art/sewing doing the crossword with a cup of tea was one of my biggest pleasures after i left x. I have every intention of staying healthy and enjoying my 50s. I deserve it. All of the simple pleasures are ruined by living with an arsehole. They're all the sweeter in the absence of abuse. Freedom is difficult to arrange, but it id worth it. We only ever have the moment we are in some say so age is irrelevant if you view it like that. Xx
ThirdThoughts · 23/12/2020 08:09

@soopedup

Honestly I’m married to somebody like your OH. I’m now too old to start again. I wish I’d left when I was your age and the red flags started. You know it’s not right which is why you’re posting on here. Ask yourself why did he come home with baileys? Come on. The way he talks to you is not ok. Get out at 33 and not 53
No. 53 is also too young to spend the rest of your life with an abusive arse. If you were 83 that would also be too young.

I would seriously reconsider choosing to spend the next 30-40+ years with him. 53 isn't elderly, but as you age you could end up trapped bring "cared for" by him. Don't subject yourself to his mercies.

Whether it not you want to "start again" with having a partner relationship is up to you, but you could at least be free of him and happy on your own.

SonEtLumiere · 23/12/2020 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 23/12/2020 08:43

The taking keys is the red flag for me. That's effectively a form of imprisonment and it's abuse, OP. He's a bully.

HighSpecWhistle · 23/12/2020 08:58

@soopedup

You're never too old to start again. I know a few couples who met later in life and are blissfully happy.

HighSpecWhistle · 23/12/2020 09:10

@TierTired87

You've received a lot of good advice OP. If you continue to bend to him then that's your decision and unfortunately it's you who will have to live through the emotional and probable financial abuse.

I suggest you take time out to think. It's all to easy to forgive and forget but it doesn't sound like he's got any intentions of changing.

EpochTime · 23/12/2020 09:22

I know a couple of people have suggested that there might be another woman in the background and that you have thought this extremely unlikely, OP.
I think it's likely that there is another woman on his mind.
He was very quick to latch onto the 'divorce' thing after goading you into a response. He has pointed out to you the 'faults' he perceives you having (lacking a backbone, for instance). He has referred to himself as having traits and behaviours which you do not recognise as being historical traits and behaviours.
This behaviour is very in keeping with someone who has feelings for another and is experiencing cognitive dissonance and guilt.

Yamayo · 23/12/2020 09:45

You can't win.
He is telling you contemptuously that you don't have a backbone, but when you stand up for yourself he punishes you with silent treatment and talks of how you should avoid making mistakes to avoid said silent treatment.

Basically whatever you do you are set up for failure.

RandomMess · 23/12/2020 09:55

He has laid his cards on the table loud and clear...

I will act how I like and you need to put up and shut up and everything will always be your fault.

Angry
Dery · 23/12/2020 10:12

“You've received a lot of good advice OP. If you continue to bend to him then that's your decision and unfortunately it's you who will have to live through the emotional and probable financial abuse.

I suggest you take time out to think. It's all to easy to forgive and forget but it doesn't sound like he's got any intentions of changing.”

This with bells on. Remember what you’re teaching your DD also.